Later at Happy, Happy, Homo House.
CLOUD: WOO-HOO!!! YEAH!!! C'MON WE WANNA SEE SOME ACTION!!!
SEPHIROTH: Hold my hand Kuja!!! I'M SOOOOO EXCITED!!! This is gonna be one hell of a show!!!
KUJA: WHOA!!! I CAN SEE YOU'RE EXCITED, SEPHY!
PERSON ON STAGE: AHEM! Ladies and Gentlemen. (stares at the TURDS) .and whatever. Welcome to the Happy, Happy, Horny, Homo Ho-down at the Happy, Happy, Homo House!!! I am your host Happy, Happy, Homo Harry!!!
CROWD: WOOOOOOOOOOO- HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAPPY, HAPPY, HOMO HARRY: Tonights act will be brought to you by the genius double act, CHE & OLIVER!!!
CROWD: YEAH! WOOOO-HOOOO!!!
Just then two men parachuted on to the stage. One had black, spiky hair and was dressed in a pretty, pink crop top with a flamenco skirt and needle pointed high stilettos. The other had dark long hair and was clad in extremely tight studded leather clothing. He was wearing a leather cap with the words "SLUT BOY" emblazoned in diamonds on the front. The two men turned to eachother and started to sing.
Waterloo! I was defeated, you won the war, Waterloo! Promise to love me for evermore, WA, WA, WA, WA-WA, Waterloo. Finally facing my Waterloo.....
AERIS: WHOA! Never thought it would be like this. *talks to herself* OH MY GOD! Cloud's totally engrossed in all this! I've got to find a way for him to notice me!
HOMO ON STAGE: Hello, my little darlings!!! I'm the camp one Che!!!
KUJA: YEAH, BABY! YOU'RE MY FAVOURITE!!!
OTHER HOMO ON STAGE: SNOOKUMS!!! My precious little darlings!!! I'm the butch one Oliver!!!
MUKKI: I like butch guys!!! GET 'EM OFF!!! GRR!
BARRET: WHA.MUKKI'S HERE?! ERM.. Guys. I need to go to the bathroom for a sec.k?
Barret makes a bee-line for Mukki.
RENO: This sucks.
ELENA: Like totally!
RUDE: ........YEAH.
TSENG: Just enjoy yourselves, okay? Elena get the drinks in would you, please.
ELENA: But it's not my round, Tseng! Geez.okay. The usual, yeah?
DOOFUS: I want milk! BLEEP, BLOOP, BEEB! WITH UMBRELLA! LAME. I'm bored! Can we go see the Tele- Tubbies? Please, PLEEEAAASSSSEEEEE?!!!!!!!
TSENG: SHUT UP! *SMACK*
DOOFUS: BOO-HOO!!! I HATE THIS SHOW! BEEB! I HATE QUEERS! BLOOP! I HATE THIS PLACE! BLEEP! LAME..
OLIVER: I think we have a disgruntled customer in the audience. Do you mind, Sir? You're spoiling the show.
DOOFUS: SHALLUP! DOG'S POO!
CHE: QUIET! YOU LITTLE SHIT! DO YOU KNOW WHY THIS MICROPHONE HAS A LEAD? IT'S SO I CAN RETRIEVE IT EASILY AFTER I SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!..[A/N: I'll give ya a crappy free pen if ya know where that's from!]...Much slagging off ensued.
BARRET: Erm.WOW! I LIKE TOTALLY DIG YOU MAN! I found a leaflet with your business number on it! HERE LOOK! I REALLY LIKE SPEEDO'S TOO! I LIKE THE WAY THEY HUG YOUR BODY! AND GEEZ. GODDAMN I REALLY LIKE DAT ASS OF YOURS!!!
MUKKI: HEY, BUBBY!!! Chill! Stop fretting already! It's just Mukki, bubby! Come.sit on my knee. Would you like to rub some baby oil into my chest, big man?
BARRET: WHOA! YEAH! BUT NOT HERE, MAN! Maybe, outside?
MUKKI: No. Let's go to the men's toilets, bubby.
BARRET: WHOA! The lights went out alluva sudden!
OLIVER: Now people! People listen! We've got a little surprise for you! Happy, Happy, Harry Homo.flick the lights!!!
KUJA & SEPH: THE DRAG ACT.YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KUJA: Hey, Che! Nice little pink bikini you've got there!!!
TIFA: HUH?!!!!!! THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! Why is that Oliver dressed as me? HUH?! TELL ME WHY, CLOUD?!
CLOUD: HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW?! Looks kinda cute.
TIFA: CLOUD! *THUMP* YOU'VE GOT THE REAL THING HERE COMPLETE WITH GENUINE TITS!
AERIS: Yeah, if you say so, Lara Croft.
CHE: OH DEAR! WHOOPS! MY BIKINI ACCIDENTALLY FELL OFF! Ooooooh! ME BITS ARE FALLING OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!
Kuja and Seph said nothing. They were mesmerised by the jiggling and gyrating of the man's nether regions.
Aeris notices that Che's pink frilly bikini had landed convieniently on her lap. She stuffs in under her dress for safe keeping.
AERIS: Uuuh, I have a call of nature right now. So, excuse me, I'm going to the lil ladies room.......Hahaha....haha...tee...hee...BYE!
TIFA: Well! She's up to something and so is Barret! _
CLOUD: What d'ya mean? They're just gonna take a slash, you silly tart!
TIFA: Oh, get with it Cloud! FF characters NEVER go to the toilet 'cept like that kewl bit in the Emperor's Fortress in Vector in FF6 where you could jump on the loo, pull the chain but you were still fully clothed. o.0; I mean, FF characters hardly ever wash or hardly ever eat either!
CLOUD: Oh, yeah...weird. Hey, there should be rules for this sorta thing.
TIFA: I'll tell you what's weird! That butt hugger on stage dressed up as me! Hey! Shit on a stick! What's the friggin deal dressin' up as me, eh?!
OLIVER: No time to chat. Busy darling. ^_^
Oliver turns around, lifts up his skirt and humilates Tifa with a showing of his two full moons. TIFA: Argh! You bastard! Just you WAIT! Don't go walking down any dark alleys tonight, cocksucker!
AERIS: Yoo-Hoo! Over here! Cloud, I'll show you some real entertainment that requires skill, babe!!
The audience turns around to observe the other stage at the end of the room.
AERIS: Now, ladies and gentlemen! Lend me your ears and your purdy eyes! THE Great, Beautiful, Graceful Aeris will now perform the ping pong ball act!..........................Let's just shove that up there......*pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop!!!*
What now sounded like machine gun fire filled the room.
?: OW!
?: AWWWW! OW!
CHE: _x OWW! Aeris, you always were an attention grabbing slut!
AERIS: ZACK!! Che is Zack! Zack, is that really you?! Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!! Zack, you're not gay are you?!!
ZACK: 'Course not, babe. I'm bi.
AERIS: NUUUUUUUUUU!!!
Zack strolls nakedly over tot he other stage.
ZACK: It's okay, babe. Don't cry.
AERIS: I thought you were dead! What happened?
ZACK: Babe...did Cloud tell you I was dead? I wasn't dead! I was flat out, exhausted but not dead!
CLOUD: I thought you were a goner!
ZACK: You should know what happened to me....
CLOUD: Eh?
ZACK: You...you raped me.
AERIS: CLOUD!! HOW COULD YOU!?
CLOUD: I don't remember anything like that...
ZACK: Well, I guess you wouldn't since you went into one of your schizophrenic moods again and...raped me. But it's okay, I guess. I mean, it hurt...a little...actually a lot but you opened up my eyes...y'know, broadened my horizons. I kinda liked it. So, I became a rent boy - for awhile. When I was doing that, I met my showbiz partner, Oliver. He was a rent boy too. He was real quiet when we met. dark and moody lookin'...
OLIVER: Oh, I guess the game's up now! So much for being incognito. It's me, Vincent. And, yes, you're most likely wondering why I'm dressed up as Tifa. Let me pick up from where Zack got cut off...So...We were both rent boys. Zack was getting bored with doing just dirty old men - He realised he had too much affection for the fairer sex - a lil too much. I bumped men for the money even if it was lousy pay. One day, Zack comes up with this idea. To travel the world as a drag act. We earned lots of money and needless to say, fame. Unlike myself, cross dressing came very natural to Zack. I got through it with a lil humour. Don't take offence, Tifa. I like your style. Not too girly and not too butch. Kinda androgynous. Y'know, have you ever realised how much we look alike, Tifa? Scary, isn't it? CLOUD: Well, I think that's quite enough for today's festivities. We should all go to an inn or something. I'll just fetch Barret from the bathroom...
BARRET: Ooooh....yeah...mmmm
MUKKI: AH AH BABY!
BARRET: mmmmmmmmmmmMMmm
MUKKI: Bubby...
CLOUD: Erm...I don't think we'll go there...I'm sure Barret will join us later. *ring ring*..........Hi, Cloud speaking. OH! O.O;; Marlene! Uh, um, no, daddy's busy right now. Yeah, daddy's bumping off some big ugly monster. Yeah. Okies. Bye!
Geezus christ....Let's get some rest for tomorrow...
ZACK & VINCENT: Why? What's tomorrow?
CLOUD: Tomorrow we get rid of Big Butt!
ZACK & VINCENT: Need a hand? ^_^
CLOUD: WOO-HOO!!! YEAH!!! C'MON WE WANNA SEE SOME ACTION!!!
SEPHIROTH: Hold my hand Kuja!!! I'M SOOOOO EXCITED!!! This is gonna be one hell of a show!!!
KUJA: WHOA!!! I CAN SEE YOU'RE EXCITED, SEPHY!
PERSON ON STAGE: AHEM! Ladies and Gentlemen. (stares at the TURDS) .and whatever. Welcome to the Happy, Happy, Horny, Homo Ho-down at the Happy, Happy, Homo House!!! I am your host Happy, Happy, Homo Harry!!!
CROWD: WOOOOOOOOOOO- HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAPPY, HAPPY, HOMO HARRY: Tonights act will be brought to you by the genius double act, CHE & OLIVER!!!
CROWD: YEAH! WOOOO-HOOOO!!!
Just then two men parachuted on to the stage. One had black, spiky hair and was dressed in a pretty, pink crop top with a flamenco skirt and needle pointed high stilettos. The other had dark long hair and was clad in extremely tight studded leather clothing. He was wearing a leather cap with the words "SLUT BOY" emblazoned in diamonds on the front. The two men turned to eachother and started to sing.
Waterloo! I was defeated, you won the war, Waterloo! Promise to love me for evermore, WA, WA, WA, WA-WA, Waterloo. Finally facing my Waterloo.....
AERIS: WHOA! Never thought it would be like this. *talks to herself* OH MY GOD! Cloud's totally engrossed in all this! I've got to find a way for him to notice me!
HOMO ON STAGE: Hello, my little darlings!!! I'm the camp one Che!!!
KUJA: YEAH, BABY! YOU'RE MY FAVOURITE!!!
OTHER HOMO ON STAGE: SNOOKUMS!!! My precious little darlings!!! I'm the butch one Oliver!!!
MUKKI: I like butch guys!!! GET 'EM OFF!!! GRR!
BARRET: WHA.MUKKI'S HERE?! ERM.. Guys. I need to go to the bathroom for a sec.k?
Barret makes a bee-line for Mukki.
RENO: This sucks.
ELENA: Like totally!
RUDE: ........YEAH.
TSENG: Just enjoy yourselves, okay? Elena get the drinks in would you, please.
ELENA: But it's not my round, Tseng! Geez.okay. The usual, yeah?
DOOFUS: I want milk! BLEEP, BLOOP, BEEB! WITH UMBRELLA! LAME. I'm bored! Can we go see the Tele- Tubbies? Please, PLEEEAAASSSSEEEEE?!!!!!!!
TSENG: SHUT UP! *SMACK*
DOOFUS: BOO-HOO!!! I HATE THIS SHOW! BEEB! I HATE QUEERS! BLOOP! I HATE THIS PLACE! BLEEP! LAME..
OLIVER: I think we have a disgruntled customer in the audience. Do you mind, Sir? You're spoiling the show.
DOOFUS: SHALLUP! DOG'S POO!
CHE: QUIET! YOU LITTLE SHIT! DO YOU KNOW WHY THIS MICROPHONE HAS A LEAD? IT'S SO I CAN RETRIEVE IT EASILY AFTER I SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!..[A/N: I'll give ya a crappy free pen if ya know where that's from!]...Much slagging off ensued.
BARRET: Erm.WOW! I LIKE TOTALLY DIG YOU MAN! I found a leaflet with your business number on it! HERE LOOK! I REALLY LIKE SPEEDO'S TOO! I LIKE THE WAY THEY HUG YOUR BODY! AND GEEZ. GODDAMN I REALLY LIKE DAT ASS OF YOURS!!!
MUKKI: HEY, BUBBY!!! Chill! Stop fretting already! It's just Mukki, bubby! Come.sit on my knee. Would you like to rub some baby oil into my chest, big man?
BARRET: WHOA! YEAH! BUT NOT HERE, MAN! Maybe, outside?
MUKKI: No. Let's go to the men's toilets, bubby.
BARRET: WHOA! The lights went out alluva sudden!
OLIVER: Now people! People listen! We've got a little surprise for you! Happy, Happy, Harry Homo.flick the lights!!!
KUJA & SEPH: THE DRAG ACT.YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KUJA: Hey, Che! Nice little pink bikini you've got there!!!
TIFA: HUH?!!!!!! THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! Why is that Oliver dressed as me? HUH?! TELL ME WHY, CLOUD?!
CLOUD: HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW?! Looks kinda cute.
TIFA: CLOUD! *THUMP* YOU'VE GOT THE REAL THING HERE COMPLETE WITH GENUINE TITS!
AERIS: Yeah, if you say so, Lara Croft.
CHE: OH DEAR! WHOOPS! MY BIKINI ACCIDENTALLY FELL OFF! Ooooooh! ME BITS ARE FALLING OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!
Kuja and Seph said nothing. They were mesmerised by the jiggling and gyrating of the man's nether regions.
Aeris notices that Che's pink frilly bikini had landed convieniently on her lap. She stuffs in under her dress for safe keeping.
AERIS: Uuuh, I have a call of nature right now. So, excuse me, I'm going to the lil ladies room.......Hahaha....haha...tee...hee...BYE!
TIFA: Well! She's up to something and so is Barret! _
CLOUD: What d'ya mean? They're just gonna take a slash, you silly tart!
TIFA: Oh, get with it Cloud! FF characters NEVER go to the toilet 'cept like that kewl bit in the Emperor's Fortress in Vector in FF6 where you could jump on the loo, pull the chain but you were still fully clothed. o.0; I mean, FF characters hardly ever wash or hardly ever eat either!
CLOUD: Oh, yeah...weird. Hey, there should be rules for this sorta thing.
TIFA: I'll tell you what's weird! That butt hugger on stage dressed up as me! Hey! Shit on a stick! What's the friggin deal dressin' up as me, eh?!
OLIVER: No time to chat. Busy darling. ^_^
Oliver turns around, lifts up his skirt and humilates Tifa with a showing of his two full moons. TIFA: Argh! You bastard! Just you WAIT! Don't go walking down any dark alleys tonight, cocksucker!
AERIS: Yoo-Hoo! Over here! Cloud, I'll show you some real entertainment that requires skill, babe!!
The audience turns around to observe the other stage at the end of the room.
AERIS: Now, ladies and gentlemen! Lend me your ears and your purdy eyes! THE Great, Beautiful, Graceful Aeris will now perform the ping pong ball act!..........................Let's just shove that up there......*pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop!!!*
What now sounded like machine gun fire filled the room.
?: OW!
?: AWWWW! OW!
CHE: _x OWW! Aeris, you always were an attention grabbing slut!
AERIS: ZACK!! Che is Zack! Zack, is that really you?! Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!! Zack, you're not gay are you?!!
ZACK: 'Course not, babe. I'm bi.
AERIS: NUUUUUUUUUU!!!
Zack strolls nakedly over tot he other stage.
ZACK: It's okay, babe. Don't cry.
AERIS: I thought you were dead! What happened?
ZACK: Babe...did Cloud tell you I was dead? I wasn't dead! I was flat out, exhausted but not dead!
CLOUD: I thought you were a goner!
ZACK: You should know what happened to me....
CLOUD: Eh?
ZACK: You...you raped me.
AERIS: CLOUD!! HOW COULD YOU!?
CLOUD: I don't remember anything like that...
ZACK: Well, I guess you wouldn't since you went into one of your schizophrenic moods again and...raped me. But it's okay, I guess. I mean, it hurt...a little...actually a lot but you opened up my eyes...y'know, broadened my horizons. I kinda liked it. So, I became a rent boy - for awhile. When I was doing that, I met my showbiz partner, Oliver. He was a rent boy too. He was real quiet when we met. dark and moody lookin'...
OLIVER: Oh, I guess the game's up now! So much for being incognito. It's me, Vincent. And, yes, you're most likely wondering why I'm dressed up as Tifa. Let me pick up from where Zack got cut off...So...We were both rent boys. Zack was getting bored with doing just dirty old men - He realised he had too much affection for the fairer sex - a lil too much. I bumped men for the money even if it was lousy pay. One day, Zack comes up with this idea. To travel the world as a drag act. We earned lots of money and needless to say, fame. Unlike myself, cross dressing came very natural to Zack. I got through it with a lil humour. Don't take offence, Tifa. I like your style. Not too girly and not too butch. Kinda androgynous. Y'know, have you ever realised how much we look alike, Tifa? Scary, isn't it? CLOUD: Well, I think that's quite enough for today's festivities. We should all go to an inn or something. I'll just fetch Barret from the bathroom...
BARRET: Ooooh....yeah...mmmm
MUKKI: AH AH BABY!
BARRET: mmmmmmmmmmmMMmm
MUKKI: Bubby...
CLOUD: Erm...I don't think we'll go there...I'm sure Barret will join us later. *ring ring*..........Hi, Cloud speaking. OH! O.O;; Marlene! Uh, um, no, daddy's busy right now. Yeah, daddy's bumping off some big ugly monster. Yeah. Okies. Bye!
Geezus christ....Let's get some rest for tomorrow...
ZACK & VINCENT: Why? What's tomorrow?
CLOUD: Tomorrow we get rid of Big Butt!
ZACK & VINCENT: Need a hand? ^_^