Hamilton breathed in deeply and opened his mouth as if to speak, before
closing it again. Then he looked up at Jake and said what was on his mind.
"You told me you'd never had sex." It was an unfinished question, but it was obvious what he meant. Jake considered her answer.
"When I arrived at Rawley," she began, "I could leave behind my old self. Be the teenage girl I'm supposed to be, rather than the thirty-year-old I have to act like sometimes. I wasn't proud of who I was. I love Emily with my life, but I was too young. I grew up as a wild child, 'cos of my mom. I didn't sleep around, but it was pretty close. I wanted to start again; to be innocent again."
"So that time in the shower.I was just another guy to you."
"No. God no." As Jake spoke, Hamilton looked up, but then down again when he caught her eye, and seemed to stop listening. "I love you, with all of my heart. You'll never be 'just another guy'. From the moment I kissed you, I have loved you." Jake was wearing her heart on her sleeve; not a thing she usually did. But she needed him. She could feel him slipping away already.
"So, that kiss." Hamilton remembered the moment on the roof. "That was just part of the old you coming out."
Jake thought about this. "Yes, I suppose. But.I was.SO attracted to you. Hamilton, the old me, it's still a part of who I am. I may not be proud of it, but it's still a part of me." Jake leaned forward and pointed to her chest as she spoke.
And then it came. The anger. An outburst. Every irrational thought in Hamilton's mind came flooding out.
"So you're not proud of the kiss. You wish you hadn't done it. You wish you hadn't been with me. You wish I'd never thrown caution to the wind. You wish I didn't love you. You wish I wasn't here. You wish." By now, Hamilton had stood up and walked toward the other side of the living room. He was breathing heavily.
Jake walked toward him and touched him gently on the arm. Hamilton flinched at the contact and glared at her. Jake, shocked, took a step back, afraid.
Hamilton rolled his eyes. "I'm gonna go," he said emotionlessly.
Jake froze as he said the words, and stood motionless as he walked past her. Then love and fear of loosing him took over her pride, and she grabbed his arm, pleading with him.
"Please, Hamilton, I love you. I love you." She said the words more forcefully. "So much. You and Emily." Hamilton flinched at the little girl's name. Jake was shocked and dropped his arm before continuing. ".are the most important people in the world to me. You mean everything to me. I'd be lost without you. Please. I'm so sorry." Tears were pouring down Jake's face, while Hamilton's remained cold. "I love you", she said again.
"It's not enough any more."
"Hamilton, I hate to see you like this." Jake tried to make eye contact with him as she spoke, peering intently at his face. "Pretending you don't have a heart. You DO. I know you do. You proved that to me over and over. What's going on?"
Hamilton looked at her. "Goodbye Jacqueline."
Jake used her last piece of strength to keep the love of her life. "I love you. Please. Don't leave me."
Hamilton looked at her, no meaning in his eyes, and left, closing the door behind him.
As soon as the door closed, Jake sunk into a heap on the floor; crying so hard she could barely breathe. Weeping for the loss of part of herself. She continued to cry when she had no tears left, sitting in a broken heap on the floor, hugging her knees.
"You told me you'd never had sex." It was an unfinished question, but it was obvious what he meant. Jake considered her answer.
"When I arrived at Rawley," she began, "I could leave behind my old self. Be the teenage girl I'm supposed to be, rather than the thirty-year-old I have to act like sometimes. I wasn't proud of who I was. I love Emily with my life, but I was too young. I grew up as a wild child, 'cos of my mom. I didn't sleep around, but it was pretty close. I wanted to start again; to be innocent again."
"So that time in the shower.I was just another guy to you."
"No. God no." As Jake spoke, Hamilton looked up, but then down again when he caught her eye, and seemed to stop listening. "I love you, with all of my heart. You'll never be 'just another guy'. From the moment I kissed you, I have loved you." Jake was wearing her heart on her sleeve; not a thing she usually did. But she needed him. She could feel him slipping away already.
"So, that kiss." Hamilton remembered the moment on the roof. "That was just part of the old you coming out."
Jake thought about this. "Yes, I suppose. But.I was.SO attracted to you. Hamilton, the old me, it's still a part of who I am. I may not be proud of it, but it's still a part of me." Jake leaned forward and pointed to her chest as she spoke.
And then it came. The anger. An outburst. Every irrational thought in Hamilton's mind came flooding out.
"So you're not proud of the kiss. You wish you hadn't done it. You wish you hadn't been with me. You wish I'd never thrown caution to the wind. You wish I didn't love you. You wish I wasn't here. You wish." By now, Hamilton had stood up and walked toward the other side of the living room. He was breathing heavily.
Jake walked toward him and touched him gently on the arm. Hamilton flinched at the contact and glared at her. Jake, shocked, took a step back, afraid.
Hamilton rolled his eyes. "I'm gonna go," he said emotionlessly.
Jake froze as he said the words, and stood motionless as he walked past her. Then love and fear of loosing him took over her pride, and she grabbed his arm, pleading with him.
"Please, Hamilton, I love you. I love you." She said the words more forcefully. "So much. You and Emily." Hamilton flinched at the little girl's name. Jake was shocked and dropped his arm before continuing. ".are the most important people in the world to me. You mean everything to me. I'd be lost without you. Please. I'm so sorry." Tears were pouring down Jake's face, while Hamilton's remained cold. "I love you", she said again.
"It's not enough any more."
"Hamilton, I hate to see you like this." Jake tried to make eye contact with him as she spoke, peering intently at his face. "Pretending you don't have a heart. You DO. I know you do. You proved that to me over and over. What's going on?"
Hamilton looked at her. "Goodbye Jacqueline."
Jake used her last piece of strength to keep the love of her life. "I love you. Please. Don't leave me."
Hamilton looked at her, no meaning in his eyes, and left, closing the door behind him.
As soon as the door closed, Jake sunk into a heap on the floor; crying so hard she could barely breathe. Weeping for the loss of part of herself. She continued to cry when she had no tears left, sitting in a broken heap on the floor, hugging her knees.