I do not own Voltron, never have, and never will.
The Great Raid
Part I
Admiral Alexander's office...
Admiral Carla Alexander sat behind her desk, looking at the three files on top. The names stood out in stark contrast to the folders. Bjørnsen, Sven Ryo; Braddock, Lancelot; Montgomery, Keith Akira.
She closed her eyes and pictured the boys. Keith was the son of Carla's former classmates, Michael Montgomery and Li Akira. He was tall, with broad shoulders and his mother's dark eyes and raven curls, and his father's serious disposition. He was an excellent student, and well liked by most of his classmates.
Sven was a handsome, dark haired Swede. His father had been in the class ahead of Carla's, and his mother was the youngest daughter of Prime Minister Muyo of Japan. He was a long time friend of Keith's, and entirely too serious for a boy of fifteen.
Carla's eyes fell on the last file. Lance Braddock had been going to the Academy less than a week, and had already caused more trouble than most cadets got into all year. Carla knew the boy's file backwards and forwards. He was the only member of his immediate family to survive the attack on his homeworld. He was a little resentful of the Alliance Military for not being able to stop the attack. Carla sighed. It just figured that her first year as Dean on the Alliance Military Academy, her troublesome nephew would start too.
Carla pressed the comm button on her desk. "You can send them in now." The office door slid open and the three boys walked in sporting bruises in various places. They all shuffled into the seats across from Carla. She looked each of the boys in the eyes as she spoke. "Do you three know why you're here?"
Three mumbled 'Yes, ma'am's answered her.
"Good. Now, can you tell me, because the reason given in the report seems awfully stupid."
"Ma'am, Sven and I were eating lunch when he-" Keith pointed to Lance, who had taken the seat farthest from Keith and Sven "-started mouthing off about how the Alliance was a failure, and how it was stupid for anyone to be here."
"Uh-huh. So you and Sven decided to defend the Military's honor by," she checked the report, "punching Cadet Braddock in the face. A boy, a year younger than you, by the way, still getting used to being here after the military failed to prevent his family from being slaughtered. Your parents would be so proud."
Keith hung his head in shame. Since his parents' death four years ago, he had been trying to live up to their legacy. Michael was the youngest person to make to be appointed Admiral in Alliance history, and his mother had single handedly saved three colonies.
"And you." She pinned Sven with her icy gaze. "Normally, you don't let this sort of thing bother you. Why today?"
"Admeerral," Sven began, his thick accent making him hard to understand, "dis boy haus been making foon off ze governmeents off ze Earth as vell."
"Ah-hah! So you where defending your grandfather's honor. By beating up a boy. How noble, how honorable!" Carla said, sarcasm dripping from her voice. Sven looked away and crossed his arms. Sven's honor was very important to him.
"And you, Cadet Braddock." Carla's eyes met his. Unlike most cadets, however, Lance did not shrink form her gaze, but met it with his own version of what several of the teachers termed 'The Look'. "Sven, Keith, I want you to wait outside. I want to talk to Cadet Braddock alone."
"What?" Keith looked up.
"Did that sound like a request, Montgomery? Both of you, outside, now."
The two boys stood up and saluted the admiral, then left. Carla stood up and circled around her desk. She sat down in front of Lance, and sighed. "What am I going to do with you?"
Lance shrugged his shoulders and muttered incoherently.
"In case you've forgotten, you're the one who wanted to go to the Academy."
"I haven't." Lance crossed his arms and looked out the window. The sunlight bounced off the auburn highlights in his hair. He looks like me... Carla realized. They had the same features, the same thick brown hair-although Carla's was beginning to turn gray-and the same devil may care attitude that had driven so many of Carla's teachers crazy. They only real difference, besides the obvious, was that while Carla's eyes where the icy pale blue common to their homeworld, Lance's eyes where a dark midnight blue, like his Caldonian father.
"Then why are you acting like this? The only one to blame for your parents' deaths is Zarkon." And that damned drunkard Lindon. Admiral James Lindon had been placed in charge of the fleet that was supposed to protect Walner IV, and had gotten so drunk that he had slept right through Zarkon's attack. Without leadership, the fleet's counterattack was scattered, and the colony was nearly wiped out. If Colonel Ford Kinkade hadn't taken over, the colony would have been lost completely.
"What about that Lindon fellow?"
"And how did you know about Lindon?"
"I've got my ways."
"So you have been setting up a network. It's nice to know you've been doing something other than causing trouble. Maybe I should put you in the MI program."
"Nu-uh. I want to fight."
"And who do you want to fight?"
Lance looked at Carla like she was crazy. "Zarkon."
"Then why do you keep fighting the people who will be your comrades? Your peers? Your superiors?" Lance blinked rapidly. "Didn't think of that, did you? Lance, you have to remember that if you want to fight Zarkon, you will have to work with these people! And I think that Sven and Keith will be an excellent place to start." Carla pressed the comm button on her desk. "Send them back in." The two boys filed back into the office. "Don't sit down, this wont take long. I've been thinking about what I should do with you three, and I think I've come up with the perfect solution. If I remember correctly, you two have an extra bed in your room?" Keith's eyes went wide as he quickly realized what the admiral was thinking.
"Ma'am, with all due respect, you can't be serious."
"Ah, but I am, Cadet Montgomery." Keith's face had turned into an impassive mask, and Sven had turned pale and looked like he wanted to say something. Lance was looking past Carla at something on the wall. Out of the corner of her eye, Carla caught sight of something small and black moving from the wall to her desk. "You three may go."
Lance and Keith left. Sven paused at the door and looked back at the admiral. His lips formed a tight line. Carla smiled and said, "Cadet Bjørnsen, you will spend the next week cleaning the bathrooms in the boys dormitory." His eyes went wide, and Carla said, "You of all people should know better than to start fights with younger cadets. Don't worry, Keith and Lance will get theirs. Dismissed!" The boy turned and left the office, and Carla said, "You can come out now, Faust."
"How did you know I was there?" Faust crossed her legs and swung them over the side of the desk.
"I didn't. Lance saw you. You're getting slow in your old age, Dominique."
Faust ran her hand through her long black hair. Dominique Faust didn't look a day over sixteen, and anyone unfamiliar with the inner sections of the Alliance Military would think that the slender woman was just another student, and not an admiral and head of the Black Arts Corps, one of the most secretive sects of the military. Faust pushed her visor up, revealing her red, cat pupil eyes. Her wild hair covered her delicately pointed ears. Anyone who didn't know better would attribute Faust's inhuman appearance to Drule ancestry. But Carla was well acquainted with the deceptively young looking woman. "Getting old, am I? You're one to talk, human, I can still remember when you first came to me. You weren't much older than him, as I recall. How many years ago was that? Forty, fifty years ago?"
"Twenty-nine, Faust. You aren't that far removed from us mere humans."
"Do you know what he wanted to say to you, Carla?"
"Do I want to know?"
"I think it was very creative."
"Alright, I'll bite. What did he want to say?"
Faust's smile got very wide, revealing her very sharp canines, and said a particularly nasty Japanese curse.
"You're right, that one is very creative. Did you come here for a reason, or do you just want to chat?"
"Well, actually," Faust got off the desk and began walking around the room. She announced in singsong fashion "I know what he's up to."
"Who? Sven?"
"Lance. He's out the break your record."
"Oh god. You're kidding."
"Sorry, sweetie, but I'm not. Your nephew is trying to out prank you, my dear."
Carla sank down in her chair and put her head in her hands. What did I do to deserve this?"
"Well, lets start with the time you turned the hot water off in the boy's shower and locked the door. And there was the time you hung Paul's underwear from the flag pole, and-"
"Enough, Faust."
"What, don't want to gloat over your hard won achievements? Two hundred and forty-three successful pranks. The Prankster Queen."
"Admiral Harden did this to me on purpose. He gave my name to Marshal Graham to get even with me."
"It took you this long to figure that out?"
"Faust, please go away."
"Why? This is so much fun!"
Carla reached in to her top desk drawer and lifted out a crystal seltzer bottle half filled with water. "Do you see this, Faust? It's holy water. Get out."
"Grumpy today, aren't we?" Faust lifted her hand high.
"Faust, see that behind you? It's called a door. Wonderful invention. Use it."
"Why, when my way gets me where I want to go?"
"I don't want to have to air out my office, Faust."
Faust sighed and left the office through the door. "Sometimes you're no fun at all, Carla.
***
Lance slouched up to what had been his room, and found a senior classman standing in front of it with his bags. "Lance Braddock?" He asked.
"Yes."
"Admiral Alexander's orders are for you to take your things and move to dorm room 129. You are not to leave campus without Admiral Alexander's express permission for the next month. Is that understood?"
"Yes, sir."
"Very good. That is all." The senior marched off and Lance picked up his bags and made his way to his new room.
His first warning that he was getting close was when he heard Keith yell, "I can't stay on campus a month! I have responsibilities!"
To which Sven replied: "I know, Keith. But orders are orders. Jon and Diana vill haff to find another baby-sitter."
Baby-sitter? Lance leaned against the corridor and listened to the conversation.
"Oh, crap! I was supposed to watch Kayla tonight! What am I going to tell them?"
"That you can't."
"She's going to blame me, Sven. Diana's going to blame me for this. And it'll break Kayla's heart."
"She'll live. Excuse me, I haff toilets to clean." Lance scrambled to make it look like he had just gotten there. Sven stepped out of the room holding a bucket and toilet brush. Sven glared darkly at Lance before heading for the bathrooms. Lance had no doubt that Carla had something equally nasty in store for him, and for Keith.
Lance poked his head around the doorframe, and saw Keith lying on his bed. Lance rapped his knuckle against the door. Keith lifted his head a little and looked at Lance. "I suppose we should start being nice." He mused.
"Yeah, I guess so. Start over?"
"Sounds good."
"Lance Braddock of Walner IV
"Keith Montgomery of Earth."
"Nice to meet you."
"Welcome to the room. The bed by the window's yours."
"Room with a view. Brutal." Lance put his bags down on the bed and looked out the window. All he could see were the teacher's barracks. "Grand."
"Ain't it? Used to be Jeff's before his mother made his father let him move back in."
"Jeff Orlando? The guy who ate the mystery meat and threw up on Colonel Ferner?"
"The same. Hunk McCoy dared him to do it. Too bad Jeff doesn't have Hunk's cast iron stomach."
"Hunk... I think I'm in a class with him. About six feet tall, real big brown hair?"
"That's the one."
"Do I get a dresser?"
"The one in front of you is empty. So I guess it's yours." Keith got up and walked to the door. "I'm headed out for a while. Make yourself at home."
Lance opened one of the dresser drawers and began unloading his things. There wasn't that much, really. Mess uniform, day uniform, dress uniform, his civvies. Some pictures of his parents. He briefly considered putting them on top of his dresser, then tucked them under his socks. When he was done, Lance had barely filled two drawers. Most of his things had either been put into storage or destroyed with his home.
Lance flopped down on his bed and tucked his hands behind his head. The ceiling was utterly boring to look at, so he got up and looked around the room. It was a basic dorm room, able to hold three students. It was a bit neater than average, but he kind of expected that from his new roommates. The dresser across from Keith's bed was cluttered with pictures. Lance picked one up and looked at it. A tall man with light brown hair and gray eyes standing with a slim Asian woman. Both where dressed in dress uniforms, and the woman was holding a bouquet of yellow roses. They both had Captain's stripes.
Lance put down the picture and looked at the next one. It was the same couple, in a hospital room. The woman was in a hospital gown, holding a baby in a blue blanket. The man was sitting next to her sporting a smile that looked like it was about to split his face, and a black eye.
The next picture was of the man at a pinning ceremony. From the look of it, he was receiving a Major's triangle. The one next to it was of the woman, also receiving a triangle. The picture next to that one was of the couple, both in uniform, with a five-year-old boy who looked a little like Keith. "This must be his family."
The next few pictures where of the couple and the boy. The boy looked like Keith, but he clearly wasn't. His chin was too pointy and his eyes where set closer together. There where a few more pictures of the man and woman at pinning ceremonies. The last one was of both the man and woman receiving Admiral stars. Then there was a picture of the boy standing in front of the Academy in a gray uniform. Then there was a picture of the family in a hospital room. The boy looked about fifteen. The woman was holding another baby and grinning smugly, and the man had a nasty looking dent on his forehead.
The next few pictures chronicled Keith's early childhood. Then Lance came upon a picture of the boy, probably Keith's brother, now an adult, with a thin red haired woman in a wedding dress, along with Keith's parents and Keith at about eight. The next picture was of Keith's brother and the red head with Keith in a hospital. Keith was holding a little baby in a pink blanket. Lance didn't hear Keith come back in. "The red head is my sister-in-law Diana. The guy is my brother, Jon." Keith lifted the picture from its place.
"Damn! Sorry, I didn't hear you come in. I was looking at the pictures. Hope you don't mind."
"Nah."
"Are those your parents?" Lance asked, pointing to the first picture.
"Uh-huh. Admirals Michael and Li Akira Montgomery.
"And those two are your brother and his wife?"
"Yeah. The baby I'm holding in the picture is my niece, Kayla. She just turned four. I've got a more recent picture of her somewhere." He pushed a few of the pictures aside. "Ah!" He pulled it out and showed it to Lance. Kayla was a chubby toddler with a cap of raven curls.
"Aw, she's cute!"
"Glad you think so. She'll be here at 1800."
"Wha?" Lance looked at his roommate.
"I was supposed to baby-sit tonight. But since I can't leave campus, I can't go to their quarters. So Diana decided to bring Kayla here."
"Oh." Lance put the picture down.
"I tried to tell her that I had a new roommate who needed time to settle in, but she wouldn't listen. I don't think I'll ever understand why Jon married her." Keith looked at Lance. "You got any family?"
"Just a aunt. She's not married."
"What abou- ohyeah. I forgot." Keith winced.
"Uh-huh. Sometimes I forget, too. But it's just me and Aunt Carla now." Lance walked over to his dresser and pulled out the last picture of his family. It had been taken when Lance was twelve, the last time Carla had visited. The entire family, Lance's parents, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles and cousins had all come together to see Carla. Amongst all the homespun brown clothes, Carla stood out in his dress whites. The picture had been taken just after Carla had made Admiral. She had come home to celebrate. Carla was the first in the family to graduate from the Academy, with honors, no less, so she was the pride of the Alexander Clan, and the black sheep of the family for leaving the family farm.
Lance handed Keith the picture and watched the boy's jaw drop. "Gak!" He dropped the picture, and Lance caught it. Keith's face had gone completely white. "Ack! Holy mother of god! You?!"
"Me? Me what?"
"You're Admiral Alexander's nephew?"
"Yeah. So?"
"I'm roomed with the admiral's nephew! I hit the admiral's nephew! Oh god, oh god." Keith sank down on his bed.
"Keith?"
"I hit the admiral's nephew. I'm dead."
"No you're not. If she was going to do something, don't you think she would have done it by now? Why are you getting so worked up? Man!"
"You are Admiral Alexander's nephew! Christ god almighty! I heard her nephew was coming to the Academy, but this!"
"Jesus." Lance muttered. He had known people would react when they found out, but this is more than he had expected. "And I'm roomed with the son of two admirals. Big freakin' deal."
"Sven's gonna freak!"
"Why would he do that?"
"Because your aunt is in charge of the Academy, that's why!" Keith got off his bed and began pacing. "Dammit, I'm so doomed!" He slapped his hands over his eyes and continued to mutter, "I'm doomed."
"You're over reacting." Lance shook his head and sighed. "It's not like me being her nephew changes anything. Aunt Carla is an admiral first, my aunt second. I do something to get in trouble, I'm in trouble, probably worse than you."
"And why is that?" Keith snapped.
"Because she's my aunt, and I'm supposed to know better. Not that she was any better at my age."
"Huh?"
"You mean you don't know? Back when Aunt Carla was going to the Academy, she set the all time record for pranks. She used to brag about it to me whenever she would come home to visit. Two hundred and forty-three successful pranks. And I-" Lance drew himself up proudly, "-am going to break her record."
"You mean Admiral Alexander is..."
"The Prankster Queen? The one and only."
"And you're going to break her record."
"I've already got four. Only two hundred and thirty-nine to go."
"You've got to be kidding."
"I'm serious! I'm gonna out-prank Aunt Carla, and I will forever be remembered in the annals of Alliance history."
"You're delusional."
"Maybe, but I'm enjoying every minute of it. And there is a thin line between genius and madness."
"Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever you say." Keith bounced back into his bed. He glanced at his watch and sighed. "1748. Twelve minutes."
"So, what's it like to be the son of two admirals?"
"Well, whenever they had a party to go to that they could take me to, I had to dress up, and got bored out of my mind. When they where home, that is. That doesn't happen anymore, though."
"Why not?"
"Mom and Dad died in an accident four years ago."
"Oh. Sorry."
"That's okay. I just kinda wish they had been there to see Kayla. She was born about five months after they died."
"Man, that sucks."
"Yeah, it does." Keith checked his watch again. "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two one!" He pointed to the door, and it slid open, revealing the red haired woman holding a squirming toddler. "Hello, Diana."
"Keith." Diana poked her head through the door and smiled at Lance. "You must be Lance. Hello, I'm Diana." The child, Kayla, finally struggled out of her mother's grasp and leapt on to Keith's bed.
"Unka Keith!" Kayla cried happily as she climbed onto his chest. She wrapped her cubby arms around Keith's neck. Diana dropped the bag she was carrying inside the door.
"Take care of Kayla, Keith."
"Yes, Diana. Good night, Diana."
"Good night, Keith. We'll be back around 2100. Kayla, say good bye to Mommy." Kayla snuggled closer to her uncle. Diana smiled wryly and said, "Well, I know where I'm not needed." Diana left.
Keith looked at the little girl seriously and said, "So tell me, what are we going to do?"
Kayla's smile got even bigger. "Where's Sven?"
"The bathroom."
"Why?"
"Sven got in trouble, and Admiral Alexander said he had to clean the bathroom."
Kayla's smile turned into a frown as she studied Keith's face. Her eyes where questioning. "Why you bruised?"
"Well, Kayla, I did something really stupid, too."
Kayla poked the bruise on Keith's left cheek. "Who?" She demanded.
Keith looked over at Lance, who was trying not to laugh at the entire scene, and said, "Him."
Kayla turned to look at Lance for the first time. "You hit Unka Keith?"
"Well, yeah, I guess I did." Kayla got off Keith's chest and walked over to Lance. She looked him square in the face, then with amazing speed, took his hand and bit it. "OW! Hey, you little brat! What did you do that for?!" Lance shook his hand and looked at the tiny row of bite marks.
"You hit Unka Keith!" The little girl pouted angrily. Then she kicked him in the shin. Keith laughed a little.
"OW! Hey, call her off!" Lance cried as Kayla began another assault.
"Kayla, enough! C'mere." Kayla left her target and returned to uncle's arms. "Now, Kayla, what you did was not nice. Apologize."
"But he hit you!"
"And he's already been punished for it. Plus, I hit him first."
"Then he deserved it!" Kayla glared at Lance and stuck out her tongue. Lance stuck his tongue out at her.
"No, he didn't. Come on, let's go for a walk. Maybe we can catch up with your Mommy." Keith got up and led Kayla to the door.
"Don' wanna! Wanna stay here!" Kayla tugged Keith's hand.
"Then apologize to Lance. He lives here now, and you have to be nice to him."
"But I don' wanna! He hit you!"
"And I hit him first. And you bit him, Kayla. Now apologize, or leave."
Keith let go of Kayla's hand, and Kayla walked over to Lance. She looked up at him, her dark eyes full of heart felt apology, and said "I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted. We cool?" Lance offered the girl his uninjured hand.
"Kay." She solemnly took Lance's hand and shook it.
***
Carla paced the length of her office, trying to think of a suitable punishment for Keith and Lance. If what Faust said was true, then there was no way Carla was letting Lance anywhere near the toilets with cleaning supplies. She thought of the things she had done to the bathrooms under the pretense of cleaning them. Maybe I should have him muck out the stables... Yes, Lance will muck out the stables, starting tomorrow. But what should I do with Keith? Putting him in the stables is no punishment. He volunteered for that last year. The bathrooms? Augh! Why me? Why did this have to happen to me?
Part II
Admiral Alexander's office, four years later...
"Lance, we've been through this before."
"Yes, Admiral Alexander."
"Why?"
"Well, Admiral, Jeff was complaining about having to move back to the dorms again, and I thought a nice little party would cheer him up."
"Yeah, sure. You get to clean up the mess by yourself, understood?"
"Yes, Admiral Alexander."
"And you have to pay the damages."
"Yes, Admiral Alexander."
"Dismissed."
Lance stood up and saluted Carla, then left. The seat he had been sitting in would have to be cleaned, and it would take days to get the smell out of the office. It was almost as bad as Faust when she teleported in. Carla opened the window, and a large black crow flew in. It circled the room a few times, then landed on one of the clean chairs. "Ah, Faust. I was just about to call you."
"He's almost broken your record." The crow croaked.
"Yes, I know."
"So, what's the punishment?"
"He gets to clean up the mess himself. And pay the damages."
"Not gonna put him in the stables again?"
"Once bitten, twice shy, Faust."
"You should have expected it."
"Yeah, I should have. But I didn't. Too late now."
"The boy's clever. Shame he uses his brilliance for evil."
"Evil, Faust? Hardly. He keeps the staff and the other cadets on their toes, and thinking. It's good training. We're supposed to encourage such tactical brilliance. But it's damned annoying. Every gray hair on my head is his fault."
"You know, Admiral Harden said the same thing about you."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Well, actually, he said, 'Every hair I lose is her fault.'"
"And by the time I graduated, he was completely bald."
"Lance has two more months to go, and you're almost completely gray, Carla."
"Dear god." Carla glanced at the mirror on her desk. Four years ago, she had only a few small streaks of gray hair. Now her hair was almost totally iron gray. "I'm almost fifty, Faust. Can you believe it?"
"One of the truly wonderful aspects of being human, Carla. You grow old. You die. I wonder what it's like." The wistful tone of Faust's voice made Carla look at her. She had shifted to human form, and was gazing pensively out the window. In all the years Carla had known Dominique, the woman hadn't aged a day. According to the records, Faust was closing in on her two hundredth birthday. Everyone around her grew older as she watched. Eventually, Faust would grow old. But Carla wouldn't be around to see it.
"You'll find out eventually, Faust. Enjoy your youth. You'll miss it when it's gone."
"Somehow, I doubt it. You said you wanted to talk to me about something?"
"Yes. I want you keep an eye on Lance, and let me know what he's planning."
"Wait. You want me to spy on your nephew?"
"Yes, I do. You're the best person to do it, Faust. You can become the literal fly on the wall. I've tried putting monitoring equipment in his room, but somehow, he keeps finding them."
"The Gift."
"Maybe, Faust. But I've already had him tested. He isn't powerful enough to warrant putting him in your program."
"Yeah, yeah. But if he has the Gift, he'll spot me right off."
"Think of it as good practice. How long has it been since you've gone up against a Gifted person?"
"Twenty-three years. Not that long ago, as I see it."
"It doesn't take long to get out of practice."
"Hmmm... You do realize that there is a chance the I might decide to help him out."
"It's a chance I'll have to take."
"You really don't want him to break your record, do you?"
"One day, I assigned Lance to clean out the stables. And on that day, war was declared. It's more than my record, Faust. This is war."
"You're crazy."
"Coming from you, I'll take that as a complement. You in?"
"Sure, what the hell? I've got time on my hands."
"Wonderful. You start tonight."
***
Lance trudged his way to his dorm, exhausted from his day spent cleaning the commons. That wasn't the only thing he had done, of course, but he was still very tired when he finally reached his room. He trudged past Keith and Sven, who where looking at something unrolled on Keith's bed, and flopped on his bed. The hard plastic squirt gun pressed against his back, and he pulled it out from it's hiding place, laying it beside him.
"The conquering hero returns." Sven murmured.
"Congratulations. Another successful prank." Keith said. "How more left?"
"Just one more and I'll break her record. Just one more."
"So, what are you going to do?"
"I don't know yet. But it's gonna be spectacular. I wanna go out with a bang."
"Vhat's with ze squirt gun." Sven asked, eyeing his roommate warily.
"Protection. You know how the admiral is friends with the more... unusual parts of the military? Well, someone told me that she had recruited someone to spy on me."
"You're paranoid."
"Better safe than sorry."
"And who told you that your aunt had a spy set on you?"
"This really cute girl I met a few days ago. Dominique Faust."
"And you believed her without proof."
"Like I said, better safe than sorry."
"Your mother dropped you on your head vhen you vhere young, didn't she?"
"Watch it, Swedish Meatball, or my tie breaker will be on you."
"Lance," Keith said quietly, "does the prank have to be your own, or can you just be involved in it?"
"Well, if it was really big, involvement would be enough. Why?" Keith rolled the papers he was looking at up and handed them to Lance. He unrolled them, revealing a set of blueprints. "What am I looking at?"
"The girls dorm."
"WHA-?! HOW IN THE-"
"SHH! Not so loud."
Lance took a deep breath. "How did you get these?"
"You remember Pidge and Chip?"
"Twins from Balto? About ten years old?"
"The same. I got them to hack into the Academy files and get me the blueprints. The guys where nice enough to print them up."
"What are you planning?"
Keith grinned. "Only the biggest panty raid of all time. I've already got Hunk, Jeff and Sven-"
"I haven't said yes, yet."
"-Alright, I've got Hunk and Jeff definitely, and a maybe from Sven. You want in?"
"Sure. Even if this isn't enough to count, I've still got two months. What's the plan?"
"I'll tell you when Hunk and Jeff get here. It'll be spectacular."
***
The five conspirators sat huddled around the blueprints as Keith outlined his plan. "I thought of this a few months back, when Cinda invited us over for tea. I saw some vents that lead into her room that looked big enough to let someone in. According to these blueprints, every room has one. Now, as you can see, I've marked off all the unoccupied rooms. This late in the year, it's not likely that anyone else will be moved in. At the end of the month, there's a short break. Most of the girls will be gone. My plan is that while they're away, we raid. There'll still be a few girls there, of course, but if we do things just right, we should be able to pull this off without a hitch."
Lance looked up. He felt the hairs on the back of his neck rising. His hand crept to his squirt gun as he looked around. His eyes locked on a small black fly clinging to the wall. There was something wrong about the fly. Lance's eyes narrowed as he slowly drew the water pistol and took aim. Before the fly had time to react, Lance fired a stream of holy water at the insect. The four other boys looked up, and the fly changed, shifting into a horrible demon monster. It hissed at them, then disappeared in a cloud of foul smelling smoke. Jeff rushed to the window and opened it, sticking his head out the window and gasping for air. Lance looked at Keith, who was coughing and waving his hand in front of his face and said, between coughs, "So, I'm paranoid, eh?"
***
"The kid's got good aim, Carla."
"I *cough* see."
"But I got him back..."
"Good god, the stench! *cough* *cough*"
"I teleported out."
"And teleported *cough* into my office."
"They'll never get the stink out of their room!"
"I'll never get the stink out of my office!"
"Sure you will."
"God dammit, Faust! Get out!"
"Jesus, what a grouch."
***
"Masks?"
"Check."
"Rope?"
"Check."
"Bags?"
"Check."
"Flashlights?"
"Check."
"Screwdrivers?"
"Check."
"Maps?"
A pause.
"Maps?"
"Hold on."
"Hunk, we can't do this without the maps."
"Here they are!"
"All of them?"
"Uh-huh."
"Good. Night vision goggles?"
"Check."
"Radios?"
*crackle* "Roger that, Red Leader."
"I'll take that as a check. I think that's everything. Everyone set?"
"Uh-huh."
"Ja."
"All set here."
"Hold on."
"What is it?"
"I can't find my chips."
"Aw fer Christ sake, Hunk, forget your stomach and concentrate!"
"Shaddup, Jeff. If they hear my stomach growling, they'll catch us!"
"Hey, hurry up! Hunk, here! I've got some jelly beans."
Munch. "Gee, thanks!" Munch, munch.
"You set?"
"Yup."
"Good. You all know what to do. Move out, and meet back at the dorm when you're done. Remember, make it quickly and don't get caught."
***
Lance carefully unscrewed the vent cover and grabbed it quickly before it could fall to the floor. This was the most dangerous part. Cinda lived at the Academy year round, almost never leaving for her homeworld. He could see her curled up in her bed, her light blue skin faintly luminous in the dark. Lance landed lightly on the floor, and carefully placed the vent cover on the floor. Cinda didn't even stir. Lance moved quickly to the dressers and began stuffing underwear into his bag. Normally, two other girls, Lisa and Ginger, occupied the room. Ginger was visiting some cousins on Tendre, and Lisa was on vacation on the west coast of North America.
The bag was filled quickly, and Lance climbed back into the vent, carefully securing the vent cover behind him.
Cinda waited until she could no longer hear Lance to get up. The first thing she did was check the drawers he had been rooting around in. All the underwear was missing. She quickly threw on her robe and ran to the administration building. The major on duty looked up from his book and asked, "May I help you, miss?"
"Yes. I need to report that someone is crawling around the vents of the girls' dorm. Who ever it is stole underwear from my drawer, and the drawers of my roommates."
"I see. Please wait here, miss." The major turned around and picked up the phone. He pressed the speed dial, and the viewscreen lit up. Admiral Alexander's face appeared on the screen, her eyes heavy from sleep.
"Yes, what is it?" She asked sleepily.
"Admiral, I have a young lady here who says that there is someone stealing underwear from the girl's dorm. You said you wanted to be informed if anything like that occurred."
"Yes. I'll be right there. I want you to send the girl to my office, and call Admiral Faust."
"Yes, ma'am."
***
"So Lance stole your underwear." Admiral Alexander was dressed in her pajamas and a terry cloth robe. She was sipping a cup of coffee. The smell made Cinda's sensitive nose tingle.
"Yes, ma'am."
"You're sure it was Lance."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Was he alone?"
"He was when he came into my room, ma'am."
The com on Admiral Alexander's desk beeped. "Yes?"
"Admiral Faust is here to see you, Admiral."
"Wonderful. Send her in. Cinda, could you wait outside?"
"Yes ma'am." The door slid open and Admiral Faust, fully dresses and wide awake, walked in. Cinda left quickly, not even sparing a glance for the reclusive admiral.
"Faust, do you know where Lance is?"
"Right now? Probably on his way back to his room." Faust studied her nails.
"Why didn't you tell me what he was up to?"
"Two reasons. 1) You threw me out of your office before I could tell you anything. 2) Lance himself didn't plan it."
"Oh? So who do I have to blame for this, then?"
"Keith Montgomery was our little mastermind. He got Sven Bjørnsen, Horatio McCoy, and Jeffery Orlando in on it, too. He's been planning it for over a month."
"Well. Keith Montgomery. How?"
"He managed to get ahold of the dorm blueprints, and he's been stockpiling the equipment."
"My, my. Why didn't you stop them?"
"You yelled at me. I figure you deserved it." Faust pouted.
"What am I going to do with them?"
"Donno. Your problem."
"Yes, it is, isn't it? Good night, Dominique." Carla walked to the door of her office.
"Hey, where are you going?" Faust asked.
"Back to bed. I'll let them think they've gotten away with it until the morning. Cinda, you can go back to your room. I want you in my office at 0900 tomorrow. Good night." Carla called out the door.
"Yes, Admiral Alexander. Good night, ma'am."
***
Jeff dumped the last of the bags out on the floor of Keith's room. "What's the total so far?"
"Two hundred and thirteen." Keith replied.
"Man, I haven't seen this much underwear in one place since I snuck into the laundry room!" Lance chortled.
"Push that pile over this way." Keith pointed to the small pile of panties near Jeff. Jeff pushed them over to Keith, and he began counting.
"Man, this is big enough to put me over the top!" Lance crowed.
"What is he talking about?" Jeff asked Sven.
"Vhen Admeerral Alexander vas a cadet, she pulled two hundred and forty-three successful pranks. Lance haus been trying to break her record for four years."
"I did it! I broke Aunt Carla's record! Two hundred and forty-four! I am the king!"
"'Aunt Carla'?" Jeff turned to Sven once again for explanation.
"Admeerral Alexander ez ze younger seester off Lance's mother." Sven explained.
"Holy shit!"
"Don't start, Jeff. Don't start."
"I have the total!" Keith announced, standing up. "Three hundred and four! We stole three hundred and four panties."
"No way." Hunk leaned forward, looking at the piles.
"Yes way."
"Keith, you are the master." Lance held up a particularly lacy pair. "That was brilliant."
"Wasn't it? Man, I can't believe we pulled this off without a hitch!"
***
Someone was knocking on the door. Keith sat up slowly and looked around. Sven had his covers pulled over his head, and he was snoring loudly. Lance was face down in a pile of panties. "I'll get it." He rolled out of bed and landed in a large pile of panties. Something was stuck to his face. Keith reached up and pulled away a pair of underwear. "Oh, man. I can't let anyone see this!" The room was a mess. Before Jeff and Hunk had left, something had instigated a panty throwing fight. It may have had to do with the keg Hunk had brought up after the raid. The pounding on the door matched the pounding in his head and became more insistent. Keith got up and went to the door. He slid it open a crack and peeked out. "Yes?" He asked, trying to focus his bleary eyes.
"Good morning, Keith."
"Admiral Alexander! Good morning! What can I do for you?" Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!
"Can I come in?"
"Uhh, well, could you wait a minute? The room's a little messy right now..."
"Open the door."
"Yes, ma'am." Keith let the door open the rest of the way. Admiral Alexander stepped into the room, followed by Cinda, and surveyed the damage. She looked at the two sleeping figures.
"Cinda." Admiral Alexander turned to the girl, who smiled a little as she handed the admiral a brass bugle. Admiral Alexander put it to her lips and played Reveille, startling the two boys. "Good morning, gentlemen." Admiral Alexander said brightly. "We are going to get the other members of your merry band, and then we are going to have a nice, long talk."
Cinda stepped over to Lance's bed and lifted up a pair of her underwear. "I hope this is drool."
***
THEY WOUD BECOME HEROES OF UNIVERSAL RENOWN. THEIR NAMES AND DEEDS WOULD LIVE ON IN HISOTRY BOOKS AND LEGENDS. BUT THEIR MOST LASTING LEGACIES WOULD BE TO ALL CADETS. THE PRANKSTER KING, LANCELOT BRADDOCK, WITH TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR SUCCESSFUL PRANKS, WOULD LIVE ON FOR ALL TIME. BUT WHENEVER A CADET LIBERATED A PAIR OF PANTIES FROM THE GIRLS DORM, THEY WOULD ALWAYS SEND UP A PRAYER TO KEITH MONTGOMERY, THE PATRON SAINT OF PANTY RAIDERS.
The Great Raid
Part I
Admiral Alexander's office...
Admiral Carla Alexander sat behind her desk, looking at the three files on top. The names stood out in stark contrast to the folders. Bjørnsen, Sven Ryo; Braddock, Lancelot; Montgomery, Keith Akira.
She closed her eyes and pictured the boys. Keith was the son of Carla's former classmates, Michael Montgomery and Li Akira. He was tall, with broad shoulders and his mother's dark eyes and raven curls, and his father's serious disposition. He was an excellent student, and well liked by most of his classmates.
Sven was a handsome, dark haired Swede. His father had been in the class ahead of Carla's, and his mother was the youngest daughter of Prime Minister Muyo of Japan. He was a long time friend of Keith's, and entirely too serious for a boy of fifteen.
Carla's eyes fell on the last file. Lance Braddock had been going to the Academy less than a week, and had already caused more trouble than most cadets got into all year. Carla knew the boy's file backwards and forwards. He was the only member of his immediate family to survive the attack on his homeworld. He was a little resentful of the Alliance Military for not being able to stop the attack. Carla sighed. It just figured that her first year as Dean on the Alliance Military Academy, her troublesome nephew would start too.
Carla pressed the comm button on her desk. "You can send them in now." The office door slid open and the three boys walked in sporting bruises in various places. They all shuffled into the seats across from Carla. She looked each of the boys in the eyes as she spoke. "Do you three know why you're here?"
Three mumbled 'Yes, ma'am's answered her.
"Good. Now, can you tell me, because the reason given in the report seems awfully stupid."
"Ma'am, Sven and I were eating lunch when he-" Keith pointed to Lance, who had taken the seat farthest from Keith and Sven "-started mouthing off about how the Alliance was a failure, and how it was stupid for anyone to be here."
"Uh-huh. So you and Sven decided to defend the Military's honor by," she checked the report, "punching Cadet Braddock in the face. A boy, a year younger than you, by the way, still getting used to being here after the military failed to prevent his family from being slaughtered. Your parents would be so proud."
Keith hung his head in shame. Since his parents' death four years ago, he had been trying to live up to their legacy. Michael was the youngest person to make to be appointed Admiral in Alliance history, and his mother had single handedly saved three colonies.
"And you." She pinned Sven with her icy gaze. "Normally, you don't let this sort of thing bother you. Why today?"
"Admeerral," Sven began, his thick accent making him hard to understand, "dis boy haus been making foon off ze governmeents off ze Earth as vell."
"Ah-hah! So you where defending your grandfather's honor. By beating up a boy. How noble, how honorable!" Carla said, sarcasm dripping from her voice. Sven looked away and crossed his arms. Sven's honor was very important to him.
"And you, Cadet Braddock." Carla's eyes met his. Unlike most cadets, however, Lance did not shrink form her gaze, but met it with his own version of what several of the teachers termed 'The Look'. "Sven, Keith, I want you to wait outside. I want to talk to Cadet Braddock alone."
"What?" Keith looked up.
"Did that sound like a request, Montgomery? Both of you, outside, now."
The two boys stood up and saluted the admiral, then left. Carla stood up and circled around her desk. She sat down in front of Lance, and sighed. "What am I going to do with you?"
Lance shrugged his shoulders and muttered incoherently.
"In case you've forgotten, you're the one who wanted to go to the Academy."
"I haven't." Lance crossed his arms and looked out the window. The sunlight bounced off the auburn highlights in his hair. He looks like me... Carla realized. They had the same features, the same thick brown hair-although Carla's was beginning to turn gray-and the same devil may care attitude that had driven so many of Carla's teachers crazy. They only real difference, besides the obvious, was that while Carla's eyes where the icy pale blue common to their homeworld, Lance's eyes where a dark midnight blue, like his Caldonian father.
"Then why are you acting like this? The only one to blame for your parents' deaths is Zarkon." And that damned drunkard Lindon. Admiral James Lindon had been placed in charge of the fleet that was supposed to protect Walner IV, and had gotten so drunk that he had slept right through Zarkon's attack. Without leadership, the fleet's counterattack was scattered, and the colony was nearly wiped out. If Colonel Ford Kinkade hadn't taken over, the colony would have been lost completely.
"What about that Lindon fellow?"
"And how did you know about Lindon?"
"I've got my ways."
"So you have been setting up a network. It's nice to know you've been doing something other than causing trouble. Maybe I should put you in the MI program."
"Nu-uh. I want to fight."
"And who do you want to fight?"
Lance looked at Carla like she was crazy. "Zarkon."
"Then why do you keep fighting the people who will be your comrades? Your peers? Your superiors?" Lance blinked rapidly. "Didn't think of that, did you? Lance, you have to remember that if you want to fight Zarkon, you will have to work with these people! And I think that Sven and Keith will be an excellent place to start." Carla pressed the comm button on her desk. "Send them back in." The two boys filed back into the office. "Don't sit down, this wont take long. I've been thinking about what I should do with you three, and I think I've come up with the perfect solution. If I remember correctly, you two have an extra bed in your room?" Keith's eyes went wide as he quickly realized what the admiral was thinking.
"Ma'am, with all due respect, you can't be serious."
"Ah, but I am, Cadet Montgomery." Keith's face had turned into an impassive mask, and Sven had turned pale and looked like he wanted to say something. Lance was looking past Carla at something on the wall. Out of the corner of her eye, Carla caught sight of something small and black moving from the wall to her desk. "You three may go."
Lance and Keith left. Sven paused at the door and looked back at the admiral. His lips formed a tight line. Carla smiled and said, "Cadet Bjørnsen, you will spend the next week cleaning the bathrooms in the boys dormitory." His eyes went wide, and Carla said, "You of all people should know better than to start fights with younger cadets. Don't worry, Keith and Lance will get theirs. Dismissed!" The boy turned and left the office, and Carla said, "You can come out now, Faust."
"How did you know I was there?" Faust crossed her legs and swung them over the side of the desk.
"I didn't. Lance saw you. You're getting slow in your old age, Dominique."
Faust ran her hand through her long black hair. Dominique Faust didn't look a day over sixteen, and anyone unfamiliar with the inner sections of the Alliance Military would think that the slender woman was just another student, and not an admiral and head of the Black Arts Corps, one of the most secretive sects of the military. Faust pushed her visor up, revealing her red, cat pupil eyes. Her wild hair covered her delicately pointed ears. Anyone who didn't know better would attribute Faust's inhuman appearance to Drule ancestry. But Carla was well acquainted with the deceptively young looking woman. "Getting old, am I? You're one to talk, human, I can still remember when you first came to me. You weren't much older than him, as I recall. How many years ago was that? Forty, fifty years ago?"
"Twenty-nine, Faust. You aren't that far removed from us mere humans."
"Do you know what he wanted to say to you, Carla?"
"Do I want to know?"
"I think it was very creative."
"Alright, I'll bite. What did he want to say?"
Faust's smile got very wide, revealing her very sharp canines, and said a particularly nasty Japanese curse.
"You're right, that one is very creative. Did you come here for a reason, or do you just want to chat?"
"Well, actually," Faust got off the desk and began walking around the room. She announced in singsong fashion "I know what he's up to."
"Who? Sven?"
"Lance. He's out the break your record."
"Oh god. You're kidding."
"Sorry, sweetie, but I'm not. Your nephew is trying to out prank you, my dear."
Carla sank down in her chair and put her head in her hands. What did I do to deserve this?"
"Well, lets start with the time you turned the hot water off in the boy's shower and locked the door. And there was the time you hung Paul's underwear from the flag pole, and-"
"Enough, Faust."
"What, don't want to gloat over your hard won achievements? Two hundred and forty-three successful pranks. The Prankster Queen."
"Admiral Harden did this to me on purpose. He gave my name to Marshal Graham to get even with me."
"It took you this long to figure that out?"
"Faust, please go away."
"Why? This is so much fun!"
Carla reached in to her top desk drawer and lifted out a crystal seltzer bottle half filled with water. "Do you see this, Faust? It's holy water. Get out."
"Grumpy today, aren't we?" Faust lifted her hand high.
"Faust, see that behind you? It's called a door. Wonderful invention. Use it."
"Why, when my way gets me where I want to go?"
"I don't want to have to air out my office, Faust."
Faust sighed and left the office through the door. "Sometimes you're no fun at all, Carla.
***
Lance slouched up to what had been his room, and found a senior classman standing in front of it with his bags. "Lance Braddock?" He asked.
"Yes."
"Admiral Alexander's orders are for you to take your things and move to dorm room 129. You are not to leave campus without Admiral Alexander's express permission for the next month. Is that understood?"
"Yes, sir."
"Very good. That is all." The senior marched off and Lance picked up his bags and made his way to his new room.
His first warning that he was getting close was when he heard Keith yell, "I can't stay on campus a month! I have responsibilities!"
To which Sven replied: "I know, Keith. But orders are orders. Jon and Diana vill haff to find another baby-sitter."
Baby-sitter? Lance leaned against the corridor and listened to the conversation.
"Oh, crap! I was supposed to watch Kayla tonight! What am I going to tell them?"
"That you can't."
"She's going to blame me, Sven. Diana's going to blame me for this. And it'll break Kayla's heart."
"She'll live. Excuse me, I haff toilets to clean." Lance scrambled to make it look like he had just gotten there. Sven stepped out of the room holding a bucket and toilet brush. Sven glared darkly at Lance before heading for the bathrooms. Lance had no doubt that Carla had something equally nasty in store for him, and for Keith.
Lance poked his head around the doorframe, and saw Keith lying on his bed. Lance rapped his knuckle against the door. Keith lifted his head a little and looked at Lance. "I suppose we should start being nice." He mused.
"Yeah, I guess so. Start over?"
"Sounds good."
"Lance Braddock of Walner IV
"Keith Montgomery of Earth."
"Nice to meet you."
"Welcome to the room. The bed by the window's yours."
"Room with a view. Brutal." Lance put his bags down on the bed and looked out the window. All he could see were the teacher's barracks. "Grand."
"Ain't it? Used to be Jeff's before his mother made his father let him move back in."
"Jeff Orlando? The guy who ate the mystery meat and threw up on Colonel Ferner?"
"The same. Hunk McCoy dared him to do it. Too bad Jeff doesn't have Hunk's cast iron stomach."
"Hunk... I think I'm in a class with him. About six feet tall, real big brown hair?"
"That's the one."
"Do I get a dresser?"
"The one in front of you is empty. So I guess it's yours." Keith got up and walked to the door. "I'm headed out for a while. Make yourself at home."
Lance opened one of the dresser drawers and began unloading his things. There wasn't that much, really. Mess uniform, day uniform, dress uniform, his civvies. Some pictures of his parents. He briefly considered putting them on top of his dresser, then tucked them under his socks. When he was done, Lance had barely filled two drawers. Most of his things had either been put into storage or destroyed with his home.
Lance flopped down on his bed and tucked his hands behind his head. The ceiling was utterly boring to look at, so he got up and looked around the room. It was a basic dorm room, able to hold three students. It was a bit neater than average, but he kind of expected that from his new roommates. The dresser across from Keith's bed was cluttered with pictures. Lance picked one up and looked at it. A tall man with light brown hair and gray eyes standing with a slim Asian woman. Both where dressed in dress uniforms, and the woman was holding a bouquet of yellow roses. They both had Captain's stripes.
Lance put down the picture and looked at the next one. It was the same couple, in a hospital room. The woman was in a hospital gown, holding a baby in a blue blanket. The man was sitting next to her sporting a smile that looked like it was about to split his face, and a black eye.
The next picture was of the man at a pinning ceremony. From the look of it, he was receiving a Major's triangle. The one next to it was of the woman, also receiving a triangle. The picture next to that one was of the couple, both in uniform, with a five-year-old boy who looked a little like Keith. "This must be his family."
The next few pictures where of the couple and the boy. The boy looked like Keith, but he clearly wasn't. His chin was too pointy and his eyes where set closer together. There where a few more pictures of the man and woman at pinning ceremonies. The last one was of both the man and woman receiving Admiral stars. Then there was a picture of the boy standing in front of the Academy in a gray uniform. Then there was a picture of the family in a hospital room. The boy looked about fifteen. The woman was holding another baby and grinning smugly, and the man had a nasty looking dent on his forehead.
The next few pictures chronicled Keith's early childhood. Then Lance came upon a picture of the boy, probably Keith's brother, now an adult, with a thin red haired woman in a wedding dress, along with Keith's parents and Keith at about eight. The next picture was of Keith's brother and the red head with Keith in a hospital. Keith was holding a little baby in a pink blanket. Lance didn't hear Keith come back in. "The red head is my sister-in-law Diana. The guy is my brother, Jon." Keith lifted the picture from its place.
"Damn! Sorry, I didn't hear you come in. I was looking at the pictures. Hope you don't mind."
"Nah."
"Are those your parents?" Lance asked, pointing to the first picture.
"Uh-huh. Admirals Michael and Li Akira Montgomery.
"And those two are your brother and his wife?"
"Yeah. The baby I'm holding in the picture is my niece, Kayla. She just turned four. I've got a more recent picture of her somewhere." He pushed a few of the pictures aside. "Ah!" He pulled it out and showed it to Lance. Kayla was a chubby toddler with a cap of raven curls.
"Aw, she's cute!"
"Glad you think so. She'll be here at 1800."
"Wha?" Lance looked at his roommate.
"I was supposed to baby-sit tonight. But since I can't leave campus, I can't go to their quarters. So Diana decided to bring Kayla here."
"Oh." Lance put the picture down.
"I tried to tell her that I had a new roommate who needed time to settle in, but she wouldn't listen. I don't think I'll ever understand why Jon married her." Keith looked at Lance. "You got any family?"
"Just a aunt. She's not married."
"What abou- ohyeah. I forgot." Keith winced.
"Uh-huh. Sometimes I forget, too. But it's just me and Aunt Carla now." Lance walked over to his dresser and pulled out the last picture of his family. It had been taken when Lance was twelve, the last time Carla had visited. The entire family, Lance's parents, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles and cousins had all come together to see Carla. Amongst all the homespun brown clothes, Carla stood out in his dress whites. The picture had been taken just after Carla had made Admiral. She had come home to celebrate. Carla was the first in the family to graduate from the Academy, with honors, no less, so she was the pride of the Alexander Clan, and the black sheep of the family for leaving the family farm.
Lance handed Keith the picture and watched the boy's jaw drop. "Gak!" He dropped the picture, and Lance caught it. Keith's face had gone completely white. "Ack! Holy mother of god! You?!"
"Me? Me what?"
"You're Admiral Alexander's nephew?"
"Yeah. So?"
"I'm roomed with the admiral's nephew! I hit the admiral's nephew! Oh god, oh god." Keith sank down on his bed.
"Keith?"
"I hit the admiral's nephew. I'm dead."
"No you're not. If she was going to do something, don't you think she would have done it by now? Why are you getting so worked up? Man!"
"You are Admiral Alexander's nephew! Christ god almighty! I heard her nephew was coming to the Academy, but this!"
"Jesus." Lance muttered. He had known people would react when they found out, but this is more than he had expected. "And I'm roomed with the son of two admirals. Big freakin' deal."
"Sven's gonna freak!"
"Why would he do that?"
"Because your aunt is in charge of the Academy, that's why!" Keith got off his bed and began pacing. "Dammit, I'm so doomed!" He slapped his hands over his eyes and continued to mutter, "I'm doomed."
"You're over reacting." Lance shook his head and sighed. "It's not like me being her nephew changes anything. Aunt Carla is an admiral first, my aunt second. I do something to get in trouble, I'm in trouble, probably worse than you."
"And why is that?" Keith snapped.
"Because she's my aunt, and I'm supposed to know better. Not that she was any better at my age."
"Huh?"
"You mean you don't know? Back when Aunt Carla was going to the Academy, she set the all time record for pranks. She used to brag about it to me whenever she would come home to visit. Two hundred and forty-three successful pranks. And I-" Lance drew himself up proudly, "-am going to break her record."
"You mean Admiral Alexander is..."
"The Prankster Queen? The one and only."
"And you're going to break her record."
"I've already got four. Only two hundred and thirty-nine to go."
"You've got to be kidding."
"I'm serious! I'm gonna out-prank Aunt Carla, and I will forever be remembered in the annals of Alliance history."
"You're delusional."
"Maybe, but I'm enjoying every minute of it. And there is a thin line between genius and madness."
"Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever you say." Keith bounced back into his bed. He glanced at his watch and sighed. "1748. Twelve minutes."
"So, what's it like to be the son of two admirals?"
"Well, whenever they had a party to go to that they could take me to, I had to dress up, and got bored out of my mind. When they where home, that is. That doesn't happen anymore, though."
"Why not?"
"Mom and Dad died in an accident four years ago."
"Oh. Sorry."
"That's okay. I just kinda wish they had been there to see Kayla. She was born about five months after they died."
"Man, that sucks."
"Yeah, it does." Keith checked his watch again. "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two one!" He pointed to the door, and it slid open, revealing the red haired woman holding a squirming toddler. "Hello, Diana."
"Keith." Diana poked her head through the door and smiled at Lance. "You must be Lance. Hello, I'm Diana." The child, Kayla, finally struggled out of her mother's grasp and leapt on to Keith's bed.
"Unka Keith!" Kayla cried happily as she climbed onto his chest. She wrapped her cubby arms around Keith's neck. Diana dropped the bag she was carrying inside the door.
"Take care of Kayla, Keith."
"Yes, Diana. Good night, Diana."
"Good night, Keith. We'll be back around 2100. Kayla, say good bye to Mommy." Kayla snuggled closer to her uncle. Diana smiled wryly and said, "Well, I know where I'm not needed." Diana left.
Keith looked at the little girl seriously and said, "So tell me, what are we going to do?"
Kayla's smile got even bigger. "Where's Sven?"
"The bathroom."
"Why?"
"Sven got in trouble, and Admiral Alexander said he had to clean the bathroom."
Kayla's smile turned into a frown as she studied Keith's face. Her eyes where questioning. "Why you bruised?"
"Well, Kayla, I did something really stupid, too."
Kayla poked the bruise on Keith's left cheek. "Who?" She demanded.
Keith looked over at Lance, who was trying not to laugh at the entire scene, and said, "Him."
Kayla turned to look at Lance for the first time. "You hit Unka Keith?"
"Well, yeah, I guess I did." Kayla got off Keith's chest and walked over to Lance. She looked him square in the face, then with amazing speed, took his hand and bit it. "OW! Hey, you little brat! What did you do that for?!" Lance shook his hand and looked at the tiny row of bite marks.
"You hit Unka Keith!" The little girl pouted angrily. Then she kicked him in the shin. Keith laughed a little.
"OW! Hey, call her off!" Lance cried as Kayla began another assault.
"Kayla, enough! C'mere." Kayla left her target and returned to uncle's arms. "Now, Kayla, what you did was not nice. Apologize."
"But he hit you!"
"And he's already been punished for it. Plus, I hit him first."
"Then he deserved it!" Kayla glared at Lance and stuck out her tongue. Lance stuck his tongue out at her.
"No, he didn't. Come on, let's go for a walk. Maybe we can catch up with your Mommy." Keith got up and led Kayla to the door.
"Don' wanna! Wanna stay here!" Kayla tugged Keith's hand.
"Then apologize to Lance. He lives here now, and you have to be nice to him."
"But I don' wanna! He hit you!"
"And I hit him first. And you bit him, Kayla. Now apologize, or leave."
Keith let go of Kayla's hand, and Kayla walked over to Lance. She looked up at him, her dark eyes full of heart felt apology, and said "I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted. We cool?" Lance offered the girl his uninjured hand.
"Kay." She solemnly took Lance's hand and shook it.
***
Carla paced the length of her office, trying to think of a suitable punishment for Keith and Lance. If what Faust said was true, then there was no way Carla was letting Lance anywhere near the toilets with cleaning supplies. She thought of the things she had done to the bathrooms under the pretense of cleaning them. Maybe I should have him muck out the stables... Yes, Lance will muck out the stables, starting tomorrow. But what should I do with Keith? Putting him in the stables is no punishment. He volunteered for that last year. The bathrooms? Augh! Why me? Why did this have to happen to me?
Part II
Admiral Alexander's office, four years later...
"Lance, we've been through this before."
"Yes, Admiral Alexander."
"Why?"
"Well, Admiral, Jeff was complaining about having to move back to the dorms again, and I thought a nice little party would cheer him up."
"Yeah, sure. You get to clean up the mess by yourself, understood?"
"Yes, Admiral Alexander."
"And you have to pay the damages."
"Yes, Admiral Alexander."
"Dismissed."
Lance stood up and saluted Carla, then left. The seat he had been sitting in would have to be cleaned, and it would take days to get the smell out of the office. It was almost as bad as Faust when she teleported in. Carla opened the window, and a large black crow flew in. It circled the room a few times, then landed on one of the clean chairs. "Ah, Faust. I was just about to call you."
"He's almost broken your record." The crow croaked.
"Yes, I know."
"So, what's the punishment?"
"He gets to clean up the mess himself. And pay the damages."
"Not gonna put him in the stables again?"
"Once bitten, twice shy, Faust."
"You should have expected it."
"Yeah, I should have. But I didn't. Too late now."
"The boy's clever. Shame he uses his brilliance for evil."
"Evil, Faust? Hardly. He keeps the staff and the other cadets on their toes, and thinking. It's good training. We're supposed to encourage such tactical brilliance. But it's damned annoying. Every gray hair on my head is his fault."
"You know, Admiral Harden said the same thing about you."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Well, actually, he said, 'Every hair I lose is her fault.'"
"And by the time I graduated, he was completely bald."
"Lance has two more months to go, and you're almost completely gray, Carla."
"Dear god." Carla glanced at the mirror on her desk. Four years ago, she had only a few small streaks of gray hair. Now her hair was almost totally iron gray. "I'm almost fifty, Faust. Can you believe it?"
"One of the truly wonderful aspects of being human, Carla. You grow old. You die. I wonder what it's like." The wistful tone of Faust's voice made Carla look at her. She had shifted to human form, and was gazing pensively out the window. In all the years Carla had known Dominique, the woman hadn't aged a day. According to the records, Faust was closing in on her two hundredth birthday. Everyone around her grew older as she watched. Eventually, Faust would grow old. But Carla wouldn't be around to see it.
"You'll find out eventually, Faust. Enjoy your youth. You'll miss it when it's gone."
"Somehow, I doubt it. You said you wanted to talk to me about something?"
"Yes. I want you keep an eye on Lance, and let me know what he's planning."
"Wait. You want me to spy on your nephew?"
"Yes, I do. You're the best person to do it, Faust. You can become the literal fly on the wall. I've tried putting monitoring equipment in his room, but somehow, he keeps finding them."
"The Gift."
"Maybe, Faust. But I've already had him tested. He isn't powerful enough to warrant putting him in your program."
"Yeah, yeah. But if he has the Gift, he'll spot me right off."
"Think of it as good practice. How long has it been since you've gone up against a Gifted person?"
"Twenty-three years. Not that long ago, as I see it."
"It doesn't take long to get out of practice."
"Hmmm... You do realize that there is a chance the I might decide to help him out."
"It's a chance I'll have to take."
"You really don't want him to break your record, do you?"
"One day, I assigned Lance to clean out the stables. And on that day, war was declared. It's more than my record, Faust. This is war."
"You're crazy."
"Coming from you, I'll take that as a complement. You in?"
"Sure, what the hell? I've got time on my hands."
"Wonderful. You start tonight."
***
Lance trudged his way to his dorm, exhausted from his day spent cleaning the commons. That wasn't the only thing he had done, of course, but he was still very tired when he finally reached his room. He trudged past Keith and Sven, who where looking at something unrolled on Keith's bed, and flopped on his bed. The hard plastic squirt gun pressed against his back, and he pulled it out from it's hiding place, laying it beside him.
"The conquering hero returns." Sven murmured.
"Congratulations. Another successful prank." Keith said. "How more left?"
"Just one more and I'll break her record. Just one more."
"So, what are you going to do?"
"I don't know yet. But it's gonna be spectacular. I wanna go out with a bang."
"Vhat's with ze squirt gun." Sven asked, eyeing his roommate warily.
"Protection. You know how the admiral is friends with the more... unusual parts of the military? Well, someone told me that she had recruited someone to spy on me."
"You're paranoid."
"Better safe than sorry."
"And who told you that your aunt had a spy set on you?"
"This really cute girl I met a few days ago. Dominique Faust."
"And you believed her without proof."
"Like I said, better safe than sorry."
"Your mother dropped you on your head vhen you vhere young, didn't she?"
"Watch it, Swedish Meatball, or my tie breaker will be on you."
"Lance," Keith said quietly, "does the prank have to be your own, or can you just be involved in it?"
"Well, if it was really big, involvement would be enough. Why?" Keith rolled the papers he was looking at up and handed them to Lance. He unrolled them, revealing a set of blueprints. "What am I looking at?"
"The girls dorm."
"WHA-?! HOW IN THE-"
"SHH! Not so loud."
Lance took a deep breath. "How did you get these?"
"You remember Pidge and Chip?"
"Twins from Balto? About ten years old?"
"The same. I got them to hack into the Academy files and get me the blueprints. The guys where nice enough to print them up."
"What are you planning?"
Keith grinned. "Only the biggest panty raid of all time. I've already got Hunk, Jeff and Sven-"
"I haven't said yes, yet."
"-Alright, I've got Hunk and Jeff definitely, and a maybe from Sven. You want in?"
"Sure. Even if this isn't enough to count, I've still got two months. What's the plan?"
"I'll tell you when Hunk and Jeff get here. It'll be spectacular."
***
The five conspirators sat huddled around the blueprints as Keith outlined his plan. "I thought of this a few months back, when Cinda invited us over for tea. I saw some vents that lead into her room that looked big enough to let someone in. According to these blueprints, every room has one. Now, as you can see, I've marked off all the unoccupied rooms. This late in the year, it's not likely that anyone else will be moved in. At the end of the month, there's a short break. Most of the girls will be gone. My plan is that while they're away, we raid. There'll still be a few girls there, of course, but if we do things just right, we should be able to pull this off without a hitch."
Lance looked up. He felt the hairs on the back of his neck rising. His hand crept to his squirt gun as he looked around. His eyes locked on a small black fly clinging to the wall. There was something wrong about the fly. Lance's eyes narrowed as he slowly drew the water pistol and took aim. Before the fly had time to react, Lance fired a stream of holy water at the insect. The four other boys looked up, and the fly changed, shifting into a horrible demon monster. It hissed at them, then disappeared in a cloud of foul smelling smoke. Jeff rushed to the window and opened it, sticking his head out the window and gasping for air. Lance looked at Keith, who was coughing and waving his hand in front of his face and said, between coughs, "So, I'm paranoid, eh?"
***
"The kid's got good aim, Carla."
"I *cough* see."
"But I got him back..."
"Good god, the stench! *cough* *cough*"
"I teleported out."
"And teleported *cough* into my office."
"They'll never get the stink out of their room!"
"I'll never get the stink out of my office!"
"Sure you will."
"God dammit, Faust! Get out!"
"Jesus, what a grouch."
***
"Masks?"
"Check."
"Rope?"
"Check."
"Bags?"
"Check."
"Flashlights?"
"Check."
"Screwdrivers?"
"Check."
"Maps?"
A pause.
"Maps?"
"Hold on."
"Hunk, we can't do this without the maps."
"Here they are!"
"All of them?"
"Uh-huh."
"Good. Night vision goggles?"
"Check."
"Radios?"
*crackle* "Roger that, Red Leader."
"I'll take that as a check. I think that's everything. Everyone set?"
"Uh-huh."
"Ja."
"All set here."
"Hold on."
"What is it?"
"I can't find my chips."
"Aw fer Christ sake, Hunk, forget your stomach and concentrate!"
"Shaddup, Jeff. If they hear my stomach growling, they'll catch us!"
"Hey, hurry up! Hunk, here! I've got some jelly beans."
Munch. "Gee, thanks!" Munch, munch.
"You set?"
"Yup."
"Good. You all know what to do. Move out, and meet back at the dorm when you're done. Remember, make it quickly and don't get caught."
***
Lance carefully unscrewed the vent cover and grabbed it quickly before it could fall to the floor. This was the most dangerous part. Cinda lived at the Academy year round, almost never leaving for her homeworld. He could see her curled up in her bed, her light blue skin faintly luminous in the dark. Lance landed lightly on the floor, and carefully placed the vent cover on the floor. Cinda didn't even stir. Lance moved quickly to the dressers and began stuffing underwear into his bag. Normally, two other girls, Lisa and Ginger, occupied the room. Ginger was visiting some cousins on Tendre, and Lisa was on vacation on the west coast of North America.
The bag was filled quickly, and Lance climbed back into the vent, carefully securing the vent cover behind him.
Cinda waited until she could no longer hear Lance to get up. The first thing she did was check the drawers he had been rooting around in. All the underwear was missing. She quickly threw on her robe and ran to the administration building. The major on duty looked up from his book and asked, "May I help you, miss?"
"Yes. I need to report that someone is crawling around the vents of the girls' dorm. Who ever it is stole underwear from my drawer, and the drawers of my roommates."
"I see. Please wait here, miss." The major turned around and picked up the phone. He pressed the speed dial, and the viewscreen lit up. Admiral Alexander's face appeared on the screen, her eyes heavy from sleep.
"Yes, what is it?" She asked sleepily.
"Admiral, I have a young lady here who says that there is someone stealing underwear from the girl's dorm. You said you wanted to be informed if anything like that occurred."
"Yes. I'll be right there. I want you to send the girl to my office, and call Admiral Faust."
"Yes, ma'am."
***
"So Lance stole your underwear." Admiral Alexander was dressed in her pajamas and a terry cloth robe. She was sipping a cup of coffee. The smell made Cinda's sensitive nose tingle.
"Yes, ma'am."
"You're sure it was Lance."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Was he alone?"
"He was when he came into my room, ma'am."
The com on Admiral Alexander's desk beeped. "Yes?"
"Admiral Faust is here to see you, Admiral."
"Wonderful. Send her in. Cinda, could you wait outside?"
"Yes ma'am." The door slid open and Admiral Faust, fully dresses and wide awake, walked in. Cinda left quickly, not even sparing a glance for the reclusive admiral.
"Faust, do you know where Lance is?"
"Right now? Probably on his way back to his room." Faust studied her nails.
"Why didn't you tell me what he was up to?"
"Two reasons. 1) You threw me out of your office before I could tell you anything. 2) Lance himself didn't plan it."
"Oh? So who do I have to blame for this, then?"
"Keith Montgomery was our little mastermind. He got Sven Bjørnsen, Horatio McCoy, and Jeffery Orlando in on it, too. He's been planning it for over a month."
"Well. Keith Montgomery. How?"
"He managed to get ahold of the dorm blueprints, and he's been stockpiling the equipment."
"My, my. Why didn't you stop them?"
"You yelled at me. I figure you deserved it." Faust pouted.
"What am I going to do with them?"
"Donno. Your problem."
"Yes, it is, isn't it? Good night, Dominique." Carla walked to the door of her office.
"Hey, where are you going?" Faust asked.
"Back to bed. I'll let them think they've gotten away with it until the morning. Cinda, you can go back to your room. I want you in my office at 0900 tomorrow. Good night." Carla called out the door.
"Yes, Admiral Alexander. Good night, ma'am."
***
Jeff dumped the last of the bags out on the floor of Keith's room. "What's the total so far?"
"Two hundred and thirteen." Keith replied.
"Man, I haven't seen this much underwear in one place since I snuck into the laundry room!" Lance chortled.
"Push that pile over this way." Keith pointed to the small pile of panties near Jeff. Jeff pushed them over to Keith, and he began counting.
"Man, this is big enough to put me over the top!" Lance crowed.
"What is he talking about?" Jeff asked Sven.
"Vhen Admeerral Alexander vas a cadet, she pulled two hundred and forty-three successful pranks. Lance haus been trying to break her record for four years."
"I did it! I broke Aunt Carla's record! Two hundred and forty-four! I am the king!"
"'Aunt Carla'?" Jeff turned to Sven once again for explanation.
"Admeerral Alexander ez ze younger seester off Lance's mother." Sven explained.
"Holy shit!"
"Don't start, Jeff. Don't start."
"I have the total!" Keith announced, standing up. "Three hundred and four! We stole three hundred and four panties."
"No way." Hunk leaned forward, looking at the piles.
"Yes way."
"Keith, you are the master." Lance held up a particularly lacy pair. "That was brilliant."
"Wasn't it? Man, I can't believe we pulled this off without a hitch!"
***
Someone was knocking on the door. Keith sat up slowly and looked around. Sven had his covers pulled over his head, and he was snoring loudly. Lance was face down in a pile of panties. "I'll get it." He rolled out of bed and landed in a large pile of panties. Something was stuck to his face. Keith reached up and pulled away a pair of underwear. "Oh, man. I can't let anyone see this!" The room was a mess. Before Jeff and Hunk had left, something had instigated a panty throwing fight. It may have had to do with the keg Hunk had brought up after the raid. The pounding on the door matched the pounding in his head and became more insistent. Keith got up and went to the door. He slid it open a crack and peeked out. "Yes?" He asked, trying to focus his bleary eyes.
"Good morning, Keith."
"Admiral Alexander! Good morning! What can I do for you?" Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!
"Can I come in?"
"Uhh, well, could you wait a minute? The room's a little messy right now..."
"Open the door."
"Yes, ma'am." Keith let the door open the rest of the way. Admiral Alexander stepped into the room, followed by Cinda, and surveyed the damage. She looked at the two sleeping figures.
"Cinda." Admiral Alexander turned to the girl, who smiled a little as she handed the admiral a brass bugle. Admiral Alexander put it to her lips and played Reveille, startling the two boys. "Good morning, gentlemen." Admiral Alexander said brightly. "We are going to get the other members of your merry band, and then we are going to have a nice, long talk."
Cinda stepped over to Lance's bed and lifted up a pair of her underwear. "I hope this is drool."
***
THEY WOUD BECOME HEROES OF UNIVERSAL RENOWN. THEIR NAMES AND DEEDS WOULD LIVE ON IN HISOTRY BOOKS AND LEGENDS. BUT THEIR MOST LASTING LEGACIES WOULD BE TO ALL CADETS. THE PRANKSTER KING, LANCELOT BRADDOCK, WITH TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR SUCCESSFUL PRANKS, WOULD LIVE ON FOR ALL TIME. BUT WHENEVER A CADET LIBERATED A PAIR OF PANTIES FROM THE GIRLS DORM, THEY WOULD ALWAYS SEND UP A PRAYER TO KEITH MONTGOMERY, THE PATRON SAINT OF PANTY RAIDERS.