Silence, Chapter 1
I looked up through half-closed eyelids to the face above mine. My heart jumped a beat when I saw the familiar face. I had to keep myself from gasping out her name, because I knew it was just Squall. Deep down, I knew.
"What?" I asked. I sounded too harsh. Be happy Laguna! I reminded myself. "Yes?" I tried again, my tone slightly groggy.
"Breakfast." Squall said. I nodded as he left. My head pounded from forgotten dreams. I climbed out of my bed and began getting ready. I put everything on, but paused staring at my bureau drawer. My wedding ring in lay there, untouched. When I opened the drawer I saw the silver band winking in the sunlight of my window. I suddenly reached for it and closed it into my hand.
"I'll love you always and beyond." I said to it, putting on. The band felt strange to my hand; I hadn't worn it in years. I smiled. I remembered the ring's mate, curled around Raine's finger, underneath the earth. The sob escaped before I bid it to, and I was late for breakfast. "Control, Laguna. Control." I muttered. I had tied my hair back, but then undid the cord that tied it.
"Your hair is beautiful. Wear it down whenever you're around me okay?"
"Only if you do the same."
"I don't know about that. . ."
I jolted myself back to reality. A three second conversation we'd had before bed wasn't too relevant now. Besides, I'd join her soon. Maybe if I puck up smoking again it'll come quicker.
I walked slowly down to the breakfast room. All of the SeeD's from Ultimecia's were there: Selphie, Zell, Quistis, Irvine, Rinoa and Squall. They were already eating again. I'd been late for breakfast for a long time now. I was usually awake by five, breakfast began at eight, but after pacing and ranting and convincing myself for the umpteenth time that suicide was NOT a good idea. But sometimes it seemed it was. . . I turned the thoughts off. Just eat. I sat at the head of the table and began eating. My jaw worked mechanically and I turned my mind off.
"Laguna. Laguna? Laguna!" Kiros' voice brought me out of the trance. "You okay?" I nodded. "Because you just spilled orange juice down your front and barely flinched." I looked down. Well, look at that! There was orange juice all over the white shirt I was wearing. The SeeD's were giggling.
"Oh." I said. "I'll go change." I excused myself and went back to my room. My old machine gun was mounted on the wall, one shot and I'd be out. I shook the thought off. What if the shot wasn't clean? I wouldn't be dead and everybody would be asking questions. I took of the shirt and slipped another one on. I didn't bother going back to breakfast. Papers had to be signed.
I had been signing papers for nearly an hour when Quistis poked her head in my office. I arched an eyebrow at her as she let herself in and sat down in one of the chairs in front of my desk. She didn't say anything and just toyed with her hair. I put the papers down and gave her a 'what-the-hell- are-you-doing-here' look.
"President Loire," She said. "I was wondering if you could take a request."
"I'll see what I can do," I said. If Garden needed money, I was more than willing. The least I could do.
"Good!" She said. She darted around the desk and suddenly she locked her mouth on mine. I 'mmphed!' into her, attempting to push her back, but she held fast. She didn't seem to realize both sides were unwilling and I was nearly twice her age and. . .
"Stop! Raine," I said. She stopped. Quistis looked at me quizzically. "I can't. Do you realize I'm Squall's father? Do you realize I'm twice your age? Do you realize," I choked on the tears. "I'm married." I whispered.
Quistis looked really hurt. "I've never been rejected before!" She yelled and left. I put my head on my desk and sighed. Pulling a book out of my desk, I began to read. It was an old book, one of Raine's history books. It was about the Huns, and according to the book they mourned in a different way.
Interested, I read on. Maybe I could do it! It described how, when someone died, the Huns would slash their wrists to make the blood flow. The blood signified tears, and it was considered stronger for the dead souls loved blood. Why not? If it hurt me or killed me, who cares? I went to the bathroom and stood over the sink. I produced a Swiss army knife from the cabinet and held it just above my wrist. I lowered the blade slowly and put it to my skin. I applied some pressure and I felt the skin break. More. I put more pressure and a drop of blood appeared. Deeper! I pressed harder until a large drop appeared. Satisfied, I kept the same amount of pressure and drew the knife along my arm, deep enough to scar, light enough not to affect life. I watched, fascinated at the blood poured into the sink.
"What the HELL are you doing?" I dropped the knife at the sound of Kiros' voice. He rushed in and began rummaging through the cabinet, finally producing a yard of bandages. He began wrapping my arm while I stood, inanimate as a statue. "What were you thinking?" Kiros asked.
"None of your fucking business!" I yelled. I mentally slapped myself. I'd never been so hostile around, well, anyone. "Sorry." I said quickly, turning away.
"What's wrong, man?" Kiros asked. "You're never this," He paused, searching for the right word. "You're never this hostile."
"No, but I am now. I don't want to talk about it. Just go. Okay? You can go now." I said.
"Why'd you cut your wrist?"
"Mourning."
"Mourning?"
"Yes, mourning. I have another arm to do." Kiros watched, dumbfounded as I cut another red line up the other arm. I waited a few moments, and then began a prayer. "Raine, please forgive me. I have done so many things wrong. But I met our son and he's beautiful. I-I love you, Raine. You're beautiful. Wait for me."
Kiros was silent as he bandaged my other arm. "They're gonna know." He said finally. "They're gonna see these big marks up your arm, and they're gonna know."
"I'll wear long sleeved shirts." I said.
"It's summer," Kiros began. "And besides, they'd still know. It goes from your bloody wrist to your elbow! Squall wakes you up in the morning and," Kiros made a face. "You don't wear shirts to bed."
I shrugged. "If they find out, they find out. I'll do what I want, and if they ask you anything just tell them to back off and leave me alone about it, or I'll do it myself." My eyes flicked over to the machine gun on the wall. "Dismissed." I said. Kiros nodded, but left.
*
Raine, I'm sorry.
I'm a friend,
I'm a father,
I'm a husband.
Experience comes with time.
Not this time.
Wait for me, my angel,
My beauty,
My precious,
My Raine.
Wait for me.
I'll be joining you soon.
I put the pen down, folded the letter and put it in my pocket. I'd put it down before I did it. Before I. . . I opened the letter again and scrawled some last words on it:
Please don't say you've forgotten me,
Because I haven't forgotten you.
Author's Note: Heehee, leave you hanging! I wasn't sure how to end this, but a letter to Raine seemed appropriate. If you're wondering about the 'R' rating (someone e-mailed me about that) it's because it'll be there in some part of the story. Memories, y'know.
I looked up through half-closed eyelids to the face above mine. My heart jumped a beat when I saw the familiar face. I had to keep myself from gasping out her name, because I knew it was just Squall. Deep down, I knew.
"What?" I asked. I sounded too harsh. Be happy Laguna! I reminded myself. "Yes?" I tried again, my tone slightly groggy.
"Breakfast." Squall said. I nodded as he left. My head pounded from forgotten dreams. I climbed out of my bed and began getting ready. I put everything on, but paused staring at my bureau drawer. My wedding ring in lay there, untouched. When I opened the drawer I saw the silver band winking in the sunlight of my window. I suddenly reached for it and closed it into my hand.
"I'll love you always and beyond." I said to it, putting on. The band felt strange to my hand; I hadn't worn it in years. I smiled. I remembered the ring's mate, curled around Raine's finger, underneath the earth. The sob escaped before I bid it to, and I was late for breakfast. "Control, Laguna. Control." I muttered. I had tied my hair back, but then undid the cord that tied it.
"Your hair is beautiful. Wear it down whenever you're around me okay?"
"Only if you do the same."
"I don't know about that. . ."
I jolted myself back to reality. A three second conversation we'd had before bed wasn't too relevant now. Besides, I'd join her soon. Maybe if I puck up smoking again it'll come quicker.
I walked slowly down to the breakfast room. All of the SeeD's from Ultimecia's were there: Selphie, Zell, Quistis, Irvine, Rinoa and Squall. They were already eating again. I'd been late for breakfast for a long time now. I was usually awake by five, breakfast began at eight, but after pacing and ranting and convincing myself for the umpteenth time that suicide was NOT a good idea. But sometimes it seemed it was. . . I turned the thoughts off. Just eat. I sat at the head of the table and began eating. My jaw worked mechanically and I turned my mind off.
"Laguna. Laguna? Laguna!" Kiros' voice brought me out of the trance. "You okay?" I nodded. "Because you just spilled orange juice down your front and barely flinched." I looked down. Well, look at that! There was orange juice all over the white shirt I was wearing. The SeeD's were giggling.
"Oh." I said. "I'll go change." I excused myself and went back to my room. My old machine gun was mounted on the wall, one shot and I'd be out. I shook the thought off. What if the shot wasn't clean? I wouldn't be dead and everybody would be asking questions. I took of the shirt and slipped another one on. I didn't bother going back to breakfast. Papers had to be signed.
I had been signing papers for nearly an hour when Quistis poked her head in my office. I arched an eyebrow at her as she let herself in and sat down in one of the chairs in front of my desk. She didn't say anything and just toyed with her hair. I put the papers down and gave her a 'what-the-hell- are-you-doing-here' look.
"President Loire," She said. "I was wondering if you could take a request."
"I'll see what I can do," I said. If Garden needed money, I was more than willing. The least I could do.
"Good!" She said. She darted around the desk and suddenly she locked her mouth on mine. I 'mmphed!' into her, attempting to push her back, but she held fast. She didn't seem to realize both sides were unwilling and I was nearly twice her age and. . .
"Stop! Raine," I said. She stopped. Quistis looked at me quizzically. "I can't. Do you realize I'm Squall's father? Do you realize I'm twice your age? Do you realize," I choked on the tears. "I'm married." I whispered.
Quistis looked really hurt. "I've never been rejected before!" She yelled and left. I put my head on my desk and sighed. Pulling a book out of my desk, I began to read. It was an old book, one of Raine's history books. It was about the Huns, and according to the book they mourned in a different way.
Interested, I read on. Maybe I could do it! It described how, when someone died, the Huns would slash their wrists to make the blood flow. The blood signified tears, and it was considered stronger for the dead souls loved blood. Why not? If it hurt me or killed me, who cares? I went to the bathroom and stood over the sink. I produced a Swiss army knife from the cabinet and held it just above my wrist. I lowered the blade slowly and put it to my skin. I applied some pressure and I felt the skin break. More. I put more pressure and a drop of blood appeared. Deeper! I pressed harder until a large drop appeared. Satisfied, I kept the same amount of pressure and drew the knife along my arm, deep enough to scar, light enough not to affect life. I watched, fascinated at the blood poured into the sink.
"What the HELL are you doing?" I dropped the knife at the sound of Kiros' voice. He rushed in and began rummaging through the cabinet, finally producing a yard of bandages. He began wrapping my arm while I stood, inanimate as a statue. "What were you thinking?" Kiros asked.
"None of your fucking business!" I yelled. I mentally slapped myself. I'd never been so hostile around, well, anyone. "Sorry." I said quickly, turning away.
"What's wrong, man?" Kiros asked. "You're never this," He paused, searching for the right word. "You're never this hostile."
"No, but I am now. I don't want to talk about it. Just go. Okay? You can go now." I said.
"Why'd you cut your wrist?"
"Mourning."
"Mourning?"
"Yes, mourning. I have another arm to do." Kiros watched, dumbfounded as I cut another red line up the other arm. I waited a few moments, and then began a prayer. "Raine, please forgive me. I have done so many things wrong. But I met our son and he's beautiful. I-I love you, Raine. You're beautiful. Wait for me."
Kiros was silent as he bandaged my other arm. "They're gonna know." He said finally. "They're gonna see these big marks up your arm, and they're gonna know."
"I'll wear long sleeved shirts." I said.
"It's summer," Kiros began. "And besides, they'd still know. It goes from your bloody wrist to your elbow! Squall wakes you up in the morning and," Kiros made a face. "You don't wear shirts to bed."
I shrugged. "If they find out, they find out. I'll do what I want, and if they ask you anything just tell them to back off and leave me alone about it, or I'll do it myself." My eyes flicked over to the machine gun on the wall. "Dismissed." I said. Kiros nodded, but left.
*
Raine, I'm sorry.
I'm a friend,
I'm a father,
I'm a husband.
Experience comes with time.
Not this time.
Wait for me, my angel,
My beauty,
My precious,
My Raine.
Wait for me.
I'll be joining you soon.
I put the pen down, folded the letter and put it in my pocket. I'd put it down before I did it. Before I. . . I opened the letter again and scrawled some last words on it:
Please don't say you've forgotten me,
Because I haven't forgotten you.
Author's Note: Heehee, leave you hanging! I wasn't sure how to end this, but a letter to Raine seemed appropriate. If you're wondering about the 'R' rating (someone e-mailed me about that) it's because it'll be there in some part of the story. Memories, y'know.