In the Name of Love

By Tales of Spike

Spoilers: So far story started just prior to "As You Were" and has gone from there to the end of "Hell's Bells". After that it's AU, so basically "Normal Again", "Entropy" etc. haven't happened and won't.

Disclaimer: #1

Spike: I still like the Faith idea. How do you get a phone call through to someone in prison?

Buffy: And like I'm supposed to know 'cos…?

Spike: Alright, pet. Point taken. Maybe we could write. How well do you two get on? Could you convince her?

Buffy: Ehm… She kind of thinks, I'm some sort of goody-two-shoes who couldn't manage to have fun even if she did get the broom handle surgically removed from her butt.

Spike: Ah! I remember that phase in our relationship. She might come round, but not as far as I did, I hope, at least not unless I get to join the fun.

Buffy: Spike! You're a

Spike: Pig. Bloody hell! If this bloke Joss and all those companies own us, can't they afford to buy you another insult? That one is seriously tired, pet.

Buffy: Just because I've got better things to do than sit around all day watching Passions and thinking up new insults and nicknames for everybody

Spike: Hmph! It's not all day…

Disclaimer: #2

Just in case I rip off anyone's lyrics and abuse them, and then forget to say who they are, I'll at least make it clear that no lyrics are mine. They all belong to other people with talent.

Feedback: I'd really like feedback, I get all insecure without it and start to think no one's reading this crap I produce, so bring it on at Sandy.Osborne@blueyonder.co.uk.

Chapter 9

He stared into hazel eyes, and all he could read there was confusion and pain. He wanted so much to fold her into his arms and hold her till that hurt look went away, but he was the one who put it there and he knew if he didn't stand his ground now then he truly would be nothing but her lapdog.

"It's up to you, love."

"Spike, I just can't…"

He got up, and walked towards the stairs leading down to the basement. "Tell the Niblet I'll be here tomorrow when she gets off school then."

"Wait! I didn't mean…"

Spike stood still, keeping his back to her, determined she was not going to see him cry again.

"I need time. I can't take all this in. I thought things would go back to how they were and now you say they can't. I don't know what I think."

He kept his back to her, his voice soft. "All you have to decide is whether you've entirely ruled out all possibility of anything between us. If you have any doubt at all, and you're willing to listen that's as much as I'm asking. Take as long as you want to think about it, but I'll be leaving town next Monday." He turned, making sure, finally, to catch her eyes. "I meant what I said about the crypt. I don't want you or Li'l Bit showing up there. Dawn knows how to reach me if you decide you want to talk."

Buffy sat where he left her, trying to take in the bombshell that had just hit her. For some reason, even after he brought a date to the wedding, she'd just assumed that Spike would be there for her, if ever she wanted him, on whatever terms she chose to set. Now she felt as if he were preparing to surgically remove her from his life. She'd seen the purple shading around his eye, and the almost imperceptible hitch in his gait that indicated some other injury. What was it he'd said on the phone? "Didn't think you'd care." So why was it that she'd wanted to hold his face in her hands and place feather kisses over the bruise? The first of three black eyes in as many weeks that she hadn't caused. How could she even consider getting back into that again? Yet, somehow the idea of him not being a part of her life was almost impossible. Why was he doing this to her? Spike wasn't supposed to set terms for her to meet.

Why was she even considering this? She'd come to her decision last week. Why would she want to change her mind now? A slayer can't love a vampire, not a soulless one anyway. It was perverse. He was evil. Or was he? And he smokes. Can't want to be with the evil soulless bloodsucking fiend. Can't…

* * * * *

Spike checked the battery and signal indicators on his phone for about the tenth time in the last hour. An hour in which his mind had been unable to focus on the poker game he should currently have been enjoying. He now owed Clem six kittens and that was only because Clem had owed him eight before the start of the game. It was time he quit before he ended up any further in debt. Money was one thing, but acquiring kittens when you were on a losing streak was a bit more difficult, especially now that it was a fair bet that Sharkey wouldn't be giving him any more credit.

"Fold, and cash in. I'll settle up end of the week, Clem. Unless you fancy flat-sitting my place while I'm away instead?"

"How long are you going for?"

"At least a couple of weeks, but it could run a lot longer?"

"Call it a deal if you fill the fridge with beer and leave enough fuel to keep the generator running."

"Done. We can sort out the details later in the week. Bye, mate"

Head down, Spike headed out from the bar. She wasn't going to ring. If she'd been going to ring she would have rung by now. She said she wanted time but surely he wasn't that bad a guy? All he was asking for was that she admit the smallest possibility. Hadn't they had something? If it hurt to see him with Jane (now he could remember her name) then she must care, so why can't she admit it? Because you told her it had to be out in the open and she's ashamed of you. He filled with pain as the hours stretched out, each extra hour seeming to indicate a lowering of her opinion of him.

Spike wandered aimlessly down the rain-washed streets. He wondered how he was going to cope with keeping all this bottled up inside, knowing there was no one he could talk to. Then again, if it was going to be a total split then what was she going to do if he told someone? Stake him? He didn't think so. He doubted even Buffy could bring herself to do that, however pissed off she might be. Maybe if she didn't ring before the weekend he'd get it all off his chest with Tinkerbell or demon-chick. Maybe they could form a mutual consolation society.

Spike's meandering path took him past a liquor store and he detoured to pick up a couple of bottles of JD and a carton of cigarettes before continuing on. It was almost inevitable that allowing his so-called random path would lead him to Revello Drive. When he realised where he was, he couldn't resist checking to see if she was visible. There was no light on in her room, but someone had lights on in both the living room and the dining room although through the curtains he couldn't tell who was there. He forced himself to keep walking instead of stopping at his favourite tree. He worked his way round the building, careful to stay far enough away to evade even slayer senses. Then he saw her. She was sitting on the steps of the back porch. Sitting where they had sat together, trying to make one decision he couldn't help her with. He kept walking, more content now. She was still thinking about it. She hadn't decided not to phone, or at least not yet. There was still hope.

* * * * *

Buffy had been sitting on the porch for the last two hours. She was no nearer to making a decision now than she had been this morning, she'd thought about seeking out advice from some quarter, but she felt as if doing that would almost be a decision in itself. Tara would be supportive of any choice she made and might ask a few pertinent questions. She probably wouldn't give out any advice one way or another but she'd seemed disappointed when she'd originally told her about the two of them. Dawn would almost certainly endorse any relationship with Spike, as long as her own crush on the evil dead didn't interfere. Xander, if she could have found him would be more than happy to hear Spike was going to break off contact. So would Giles and Willow wasn't even fit to make her own decisions at the minute never mind advise anyone else. So if she chose who to ask, then she had already chosen what advice she was going to get. She went back indoors, deciding to have a quick word with Dawn before she went out on patrol.

"Dawn?" She knocked on the teenager's bedroom door.

"Come in." Dawn sat in front of her dressing table in her pyjamas, brushing tangles out of her still damp hair.

"If you come sit in front of the bed, I'll do that." Dawn passed the hairbrush to her sister before taking up a position by her feet.

"I talked to Spike today."

"Well, duh. I seem to recall passing the phone to you."

"Okay, I saw Spike today, then. He said he missed you, that he'd been seeing a lot of you last summer, but now he hardly sees you at all. Do you miss him?"

"Of course I do. Why?"

"So you'd be okay if he were to meet you at the Magic Box straight after school a few nights a week and walk you back, maybe get you something to eat."

"Are you kidding? If you're giving me a choice between Spike's cooking and a Doublemeat Medley I'll take Spike's cooking any day."

"Spike cooks? I was thinking take-out?"

"He was still learning, but he says anybody that can read can follow a recipe. He does a mean stir-fry."

For a while the only sound was the gentle swish of the brush through Dawn's hair.

"What is it with you two? I mean what is it you see in him?"

"You mean why don't I think he's just an irritating wanker?" Dawn looked up to see Buffy's face.

"That's one way to put it."

"It's how he thinks you think of him."

"He told you that?"

"Well, I told him I thought he was an irritating wanker sometimes, but I still liked him, and he said you only ever got the hang of the first bit. He said that's why he doesn't come round the house any more."

Buffy couldn't help the snort of amusement. "Ever the wordsmith! So why is it that you only think he's an irritating wanker some of the time?"

Dawn wondered where this was going. "Because he doesn't expect me to be someone I'm not. If I was miserable, he'd let me be miserable. Everybody else would spend all their time trying to cheer me up, and I'd end up feeling guilty I didn't feel better. And he doesn't treat me like a fifteen-year-old; he treats me like Dawn. And when I was all messed up about where I came from, it was him that said he didn't see where I came from made the difference, it was who I was now. It's like there's nothing you could do or be that would make him judge you, he just accepts everyone for what they are."

"How can you say that? What about him and Xander, the pair of them are at each others' throats whenever they're in the same room."

"Yeah, and nine time out of ten it starts with Xander trying to warn him away from you, and it seems to me that you've probably given Spike reason to think you don't want him to listen to the warnings."

"What do you mean?"

"Little chats on the back porch, patrolling- you never take anyone else now, grass stains on your jacket, "He's not getting any gentler"? Do you want me to go on?"

"Oh."

"Yeah, and I wasn't the only one that picked up on that comment either. You're not fooling anyone. Why not just do whatever it is you're doing out in the open? Sure, Xander'll freak for about five minutes, but he'll just have to get over himself? He got used to Angel, didn't he, and any idiot can see Spike's better for you than he was."

"You're not the least bit afraid of him, are you?"

"Only, in the way that I was glad it was Giles doing "the talk" at Halloween, not him. He's really cool about stuff, but when he puts his foot down he puts it down. I know he'd never lay a hand on me.

You're afraid of him though or you wouldn't have asked."

"Yeah, well you were around when Angel turned. Can't you see it could be the same thing all over again if Spike's chip stopped working."

"What are you looking for here? Nobody comes with a guarantee, but I can see a lot of reasons why Spike and you would work together, not least of which is the fact that he loves you so much that he'd sooner stake himself than do anything he thought would disappoint you let alone hurt you. Open your eyes. Chip or no chip that guy is even more gone on you now than he was when you got engaged, except this time it's real."

Buffy thought about the demon eggs, she'd been so sure he was guilty, but that was what she'd thought when she saw him open the till at the shop, too. She'd opened it herself after he'd gone. He'd left two hundred dollars and a note for Anya saying that if she found it before she got her telephone messages he was available if she wanted to speak to someone who wasn't "Xander's".

"And if I told you those demon eggs we were looking for were in his crypt?"

"I'd ask why he would be ringing up to find out what type of demon it was if he's supposed to be the evil mastermind."

"What do you mean?"

"He rang up the next night from LA to see if we knew what type of demon eggs they were."

"Why didn't you mention this before?"

"'Cos Willow remembered and you were out patrolling. It didn't seem important, everybody else knew, why not tell Spike? Look I'm sure if you give him a chance he'll have an explanation. Now are you going to tell me what's going on with you two."

Buffy sighed. "We were seeing each other for a while, but when I found out about the eggs I broke up with him. Now something's going on but he refuses to tell me anything about it. He says he can't be my friend."

"Oh. I know this bit… "You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains… it's blood, blood screaming inside you to work its will." Didn't know you'd got to the shagging stage?" Dawn smirked in a way that left no doubt as to who she'd learned it from.

"Wait. How do you know about that?"

"You can't blame me if the monks gave me a false memory about reading your diary. I memorised it, it sort of seemed almost like poetry."

Unfortunately, much as Buffy wanted to get upset over it her logic was sound, she hadn't actually read the diary, even if she remembered it as if she had.

"So you dumped him. He's not interested in half-measures. What do you do now?"

"If I say that it doesn't matter what he says, I'm not prepared to see him openly, then nothing."

"Why wouldn't you at least hear him out?"

"Dawn, what was going on between us, it wasn't healthy, and we both knew it, but if he hadn't done something outright evil I still wouldn't have had the courage to break up with him."

"And how much of what was wrong would have been fixed if you hadn't been sneaking around?"

"A lot, but not all. I'm the Slayer. He's the Slayer of Slayers. How twisted is that?"

"Stop looking at who he was four years ago, or three years ago or two years ago. Look at who he is now. All that Slayer of Slayers stuff means now is that he's your equal. He never managed to kill you. You never managed to kill him. Now he is or he was your partner. You live on the Hellmouth. You don't get to have normal and if you did get a normal guy he wouldn't be enough for you or you'd be too much for him."

"You sound like Riley."

"Yeah, so he was a psych graduate; and he couldn't help feeling inadequate, even though he knew what he was doing."

"Yeah, but when Riley said that I told him I'd be sleeping with Spike if that was what I wanted."

"And your point is…"

"You're not going to give up are you?"

"Give up the chance for the two people I care most about to be happy together? Why would I do that?

So I can watch Spike be utterly miserable for years till I'm old enough to try for him myself?"

"Okay, I'm going out on patrol and then I'll sleep on it and you can keep your Lolita-like mitts off him at least till tomorrow."

* * * * *

That night, the dream she'd had changed slightly. When the tiger leapt towards her it changed in mid-leap into the form of the first slayer, who then crouched on her chest. They each repeated their words from her vision a year before, from the night she found out about the 'bot, the night Spike had been tortured but had refused to betray Dawn and her.

"You are full of love. You love with all of your soul. It's brighter than the fire… blinding"

"I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?"

"Only if you reject it. Love is pain and the slayer forges strength from pain. Love… give…forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature."

Buffy woke, roused prematurely by this change in the pattern of her dreams. She remembered what she had told Spike later that same night. She'd told him she wouldn't forget what he'd done for her and Dawn. She owed him at least a chance to make things right. She would take the risk.

End of Chapter 9