Disclaimer: May cause dizziness, vomiting, and asthma attacks. Or maybe not.
Ranma the Homicidal Maniac!
Chapter 3: And Another One Bites the Dust.
When last we left our pigtailed friend, he was lying face down in the remains of the Tendo Dojo. What zany thing will he do next?!
***
Peaceful. Calm. Serene. Pick any one of these words, and you could describe exactly SQUAT in Nerima.
Well, except for that quaint little coffee shop a few blocks away from the bath house, but that's it.
I don't know why I mentioned those descriptive words in the first place, really…
Maybe I wanted to start off with a cheap gag…
I might have forgotten what I was writing for a few seconds…
I'm not sure.
Chaotic, crazy, or dangerous probably would have been better choices, really.
Yeah, I think I like those better.
Okay, let's try this again.
***
Chaotic. Crazy. Dangerous. Pick any one of these, and you could describe all of Nerima.
Except for that quaint little coffee shop I mentioned.
Which is hysterical, considering the name of said coffee shop.
It was also depressing to the shop's owner. Poor Kenji Kuno named his shop in hopes of attracting martial arts battles, which would in turn attract spectators to the battles, which would in turn cover the repair bills, and then some.
You see, Kenji was a forward thinker. He knew when he set up a shop in Nerima, that he'd have to repair the building quite frequently. So why not profit off of the fights that caused the damage? It was brilliant! But he needed to come up with a name that would attract more battles…
So he named his little shop "The Dojo."
But the fights didn't come.
Kenji was a bit upset because of this. Even though he never had to do any repairs like all the surrounding shops. Even though he had probably the most successful coffee shop in the area. Even though he got peace and quiet!
Now, I'm sure you're all wondering, "What could be wrong with that?"
The problem was, Kenji thought the name of his shop was silly, now.
But he refused to change it. He was afraid that the name was the only thing keeping away the martial artists. Well, that's what he told people, anyway. He really just couldn't think up a better name.
But Kenji was happy today. There were some martial artists in his store! And not just ANY martial artists. No, they were three of the most famous in Nerima! And when martial artists get together in Nerima, fights start.
Now if only they would stop talking calmly and looking around nervously…
***
"Uncle Saotome, what the HELL was that?!" Surprisingly, this came from Kasumi.
The group was currently sitting in a corner booth of the quaint little coffee shop, looking to Genma for answers.
"Do you REALLY want an answer to that? Or need one?" Genma queried.
"Saotome, you WILL answer us… NOW." Soun calmly stated.
"Okay then, I'll tell you." Genma started, "That was Ranma, and he was mad. It also appears that he thought up a few new techniques, as he was wont to do before we came to Nerima."
That wasn't enough for Nabiki, though, so she kept pushing, "No, you're not done. That was MORE than just mad! What on earth is going on here?!"
"Fine, you want more? That was the anger of a thousand hells, the likes of which has never been seen before, and may never be seen again! That was the fury of a man who has met the killer of the one he loved most in the entire world, and found that the killer was happy about it! The rage of a man who will do anything, go through anybody, just so he can get his revenge! My son has just gone through the most intense pain you could ever feel!" Genma took a sip of his coffee to calm down, "That is something to fear, and an opportunity, perhaps."
At the blank stares, he continued, "Think about it, who has plagued this earth with their presence for too long? Who deserves to experience painfully slow death? Think of who you think is deserving of death, and point them at Ranma, with instructions that would anger him, and pray no innocents do it before them. We may be able to rid this world of many evils, and keep my son from hurting those that don't deserve it!"
At this, their faces lit up. Only problem was, who gets to die first?
"Whatta haul! Whatta haul!" Guess.
Four devious grins sprouted on four separate faces…
***
Ranma was walking down the street.
Nothing new, really.
The glowing was different, but nothing special.
The scowl on his face was scary, but again, nothing new.
But the scowl and the glow combined cleared the street quite nicely, anyways.
Which should have indicated to Happosai that trying to put a bra on him, now her, was a BAD idea…
***
With a splash, a rush of wind, and a cry of "Sweeto!", Happosai was happily nuzzled between Ranma's lingerie-clad breasts, much to her chagrin.
"Get. Off. Of. ME!" Ranma yelled.
"No. I like it here," responded the pervert.
Ranma was getting irritated by the pervert's groping, and attacked.
Happosai jumped off and exclaimed, "Ha! Too slow!"
Ranma fumed, tried again, and missed.
"You have to do better than that!"
Again and again, Ranma tried, but each time she'd come closer and closer to her target, until…
"Ouch! That hurt you ungrateful little punk!"
Ranma continued to attack with a fury that was beyond words, hitting harder each time.
"That's enough! Happodaikarin!" Happosai yelled as he threw a large firecracker at our hero.
With a loud smack, Ranma returned the firecracker, just before it exploded. As Happosai's charred body flew away, she chased after him, with malice in her eyes.
"Ugh," Happosai grunted as he hit the ground, "What's the matter, boy? Not going to gloat over your victory? Well? Speak up!"
"I'm not falling for it." Ranma said in a flat, emotionless voice, and continued her attack.
"Wait, what are you doing? I'm done! I've lost! Wait!"
Ranma ran up to the old masters body, and stomped his leg, creating a loud crack as it broke.
"AAAAGH! NO!"
The screams of pain and loud cracks were all that was heard for the next few minutes, as Ranma broke every bone in Happosai's body.
"W-why?" Was Happosai's last thought, as Ranma's fist caved in his skull, bringing sweet, merciful death.
A figure watched as Ranma stood over the bleeding pile of flesh that used to be Happosai, and quickly ran away to report what it saw.
***
Author's notes: Hey there! Sorry for the delay, but I've been a bit sidetracked with school and all. I keep making these chapters longer, and this one has almost 1,300 words! Yay for me! I must apologize to anybody who wanted Happosai to live, or wanted somebody else to die first. I also need to apologize for my mischaracterizations (Whoa, THAT'S a big word!) of several characters, was done strictly for humorous reasons, I assure you.
In other news, this fic is VERY hard to write! Amazing that something so seemingly simple, is so hard to do…
Yes, Kenji Kuno IS from the same family as principal Kuno. He's only sane because of pure dumb luck.
I need reviews! Comments, criticism, verbal attacks upon my person, flames, I want them ALL!
Next time: bunnies and kittens!
Later.