Ugh…I groaned, and opened my eyes. I was disoriented at first. I found
myself in midst of a row of grapes. Glancing down, I caught sight of my
bruised and bloody knuckles, and clothing. It was then I remembered.
Everything came seeping back, horribly slow.
I couldn't believe I…I did that. No matter what Kai had done…That shouldn't have been my course of action. My blood ran cold again. What if I had killed him?! What would Karen think of me then…? A cruel, cold-hearted beast.
I knew for sure I didn't do it just for her. A large majority rested on that, I knew, but, it was something more. I started remembering…everything.
When I came on my monthly visits to Flowerbud when I was just a child, there had been one local boy who was really nice and fun. He became my best friend. We told each other everything, and could barely be separated.
But then, one day, he changed. He started growing, cold, aloof, and almost…evil. I remember it clearly now. We were up playing in the mountain, with my then puppy, Koro.
We had been play fighting, fooling around. But then, it got serious. He kicked at Koro, and when I confronted him, he'd just laughed, and then did likewise to me…Back then, he was the better fighter…
And like I said, I remembered. Every single stinging punch, painful kick, cruel word…Somehow, subconsciously, I had remembered this before…When I had been beating the living dog shit out of him.
I didn't feel AS bad, but I still felt awful. My stomach knotted up, and I clutched it in pain. Dead, or not, revenge, or not, deserving it, or not, I knew I had committed a terrible sin.
Everyone was going to hate me. Think of me as some beast, killing without a conscience. My time here was up. I did ok as a farmer, I suppose, but then I spun too high of a number in the game of life.
I was going to go home, apologize for all I was worth, and then, just leave…this world. No apologies could make up for what I did, though. I may not have killed him, but I might as well have. I may not have seemed to do much, but the intensity of what I did…
Yes. My choice was the right thing. It was the only way…The only way to purge myself of this. I knew that Kai, being as drunk as he was, would have little or no memory of what had actually taken place, let alone his attacker's face.
I couldn't live with it, though. Even though I knew I was going to get away with it, I wouldn't be able to live, day by day, as if nothing had happened. To hell, I was going. I was going to rot and burn in hell, with the stench of charred flesh all around me, detonating me.
I slowly stood up, and looked around. It was still pretty early in the morning. Mayhap Sasha and Gotz hadn't seen Kai yet. Maybe I wouldn't be seen leaving. I stood still on my wobbly legs for a few moments, and then ran, like the little coward I was.
When I arrived home, at the Nexus farm, I leaned heavily on the wall of my house, gathering up my strength, and my courage.
And then, I opened the door, and walked through the threshold of my own house; a condemned man. Red-eyed Cliff was the only one to greet me.
Karen was tucked under the covers of my bed, sleeping restlessly. Cliff glanced at her. He then looked back up at me. His eyes seemed to bore into my very soul, as if he knew what happened. He probably very well did. I know I looked like crap.
Karen stirred, and sat up in bed. I walked across the room, to sit by her. She looked at me, with glazed over and confused eyes.
"I…I'm sorry," I croaked hoarsely. "For what I did, everything,"
"What?" Karen asked in a cracked voice. "What did you do?"
"I…I went…And…And I beat Kai to a pummel. For…for everything,"
Karen's eyes widened in shock. I think she realized for the first time, the dry and cracked blood and dirt on my skin and clothes. "What do you mean…everything?"
So I told her. Told Cliff, too. They said nothing as I was explaining it all. I heard my voice rise shrilly as I continued. And when I finished, I looked down at the floor.
They said nothing, as I expected. "I'm going to go and end my pitiful, disgusting, and worthless life now," I spat with a dark scowl. Standing up, I stalked out the door.
"Oomph!" I exclaimed, as I got knocked to the ground. Karen was on top of me…Again, like she had been just the other day, stopping me from going to confront Cliff.
This time was different, though. Her bruised and injured face simply radiated. It radiated with love. For me? How could she love me after…?
"Jack!" she whispered, bringing her face close to mine. "What you did, though a little unexpected, and perhaps a little harsh…It wasn't…entirely a bad thing, you know,"
I couldn't answer her. I couldn't even manage a half-hearted grunt. My eyes wavered, as I stared up at her. She breathed in deeply, and lowered her lips to mine. And she kissed me.
It was a long, warm and tender, passionate kiss. Unlike anything I'd ever experienced. All her pent up anger and frustration was inserted into it.
Pressing hungrily at my lips, she rolled 'us' onto our sides, and snuggled into me.
I couldn't believe I…I did that. No matter what Kai had done…That shouldn't have been my course of action. My blood ran cold again. What if I had killed him?! What would Karen think of me then…? A cruel, cold-hearted beast.
I knew for sure I didn't do it just for her. A large majority rested on that, I knew, but, it was something more. I started remembering…everything.
When I came on my monthly visits to Flowerbud when I was just a child, there had been one local boy who was really nice and fun. He became my best friend. We told each other everything, and could barely be separated.
But then, one day, he changed. He started growing, cold, aloof, and almost…evil. I remember it clearly now. We were up playing in the mountain, with my then puppy, Koro.
We had been play fighting, fooling around. But then, it got serious. He kicked at Koro, and when I confronted him, he'd just laughed, and then did likewise to me…Back then, he was the better fighter…
And like I said, I remembered. Every single stinging punch, painful kick, cruel word…Somehow, subconsciously, I had remembered this before…When I had been beating the living dog shit out of him.
I didn't feel AS bad, but I still felt awful. My stomach knotted up, and I clutched it in pain. Dead, or not, revenge, or not, deserving it, or not, I knew I had committed a terrible sin.
Everyone was going to hate me. Think of me as some beast, killing without a conscience. My time here was up. I did ok as a farmer, I suppose, but then I spun too high of a number in the game of life.
I was going to go home, apologize for all I was worth, and then, just leave…this world. No apologies could make up for what I did, though. I may not have killed him, but I might as well have. I may not have seemed to do much, but the intensity of what I did…
Yes. My choice was the right thing. It was the only way…The only way to purge myself of this. I knew that Kai, being as drunk as he was, would have little or no memory of what had actually taken place, let alone his attacker's face.
I couldn't live with it, though. Even though I knew I was going to get away with it, I wouldn't be able to live, day by day, as if nothing had happened. To hell, I was going. I was going to rot and burn in hell, with the stench of charred flesh all around me, detonating me.
I slowly stood up, and looked around. It was still pretty early in the morning. Mayhap Sasha and Gotz hadn't seen Kai yet. Maybe I wouldn't be seen leaving. I stood still on my wobbly legs for a few moments, and then ran, like the little coward I was.
When I arrived home, at the Nexus farm, I leaned heavily on the wall of my house, gathering up my strength, and my courage.
And then, I opened the door, and walked through the threshold of my own house; a condemned man. Red-eyed Cliff was the only one to greet me.
Karen was tucked under the covers of my bed, sleeping restlessly. Cliff glanced at her. He then looked back up at me. His eyes seemed to bore into my very soul, as if he knew what happened. He probably very well did. I know I looked like crap.
Karen stirred, and sat up in bed. I walked across the room, to sit by her. She looked at me, with glazed over and confused eyes.
"I…I'm sorry," I croaked hoarsely. "For what I did, everything,"
"What?" Karen asked in a cracked voice. "What did you do?"
"I…I went…And…And I beat Kai to a pummel. For…for everything,"
Karen's eyes widened in shock. I think she realized for the first time, the dry and cracked blood and dirt on my skin and clothes. "What do you mean…everything?"
So I told her. Told Cliff, too. They said nothing as I was explaining it all. I heard my voice rise shrilly as I continued. And when I finished, I looked down at the floor.
They said nothing, as I expected. "I'm going to go and end my pitiful, disgusting, and worthless life now," I spat with a dark scowl. Standing up, I stalked out the door.
"Oomph!" I exclaimed, as I got knocked to the ground. Karen was on top of me…Again, like she had been just the other day, stopping me from going to confront Cliff.
This time was different, though. Her bruised and injured face simply radiated. It radiated with love. For me? How could she love me after…?
"Jack!" she whispered, bringing her face close to mine. "What you did, though a little unexpected, and perhaps a little harsh…It wasn't…entirely a bad thing, you know,"
I couldn't answer her. I couldn't even manage a half-hearted grunt. My eyes wavered, as I stared up at her. She breathed in deeply, and lowered her lips to mine. And she kissed me.
It was a long, warm and tender, passionate kiss. Unlike anything I'd ever experienced. All her pent up anger and frustration was inserted into it.
Pressing hungrily at my lips, she rolled 'us' onto our sides, and snuggled into me.