Buffy ran into the Magic Box and threw Anya up against the wall by the neck, because reacting with sudden aimless anger is what Slayers do best.
"What did you do to her you skanky demon whore? I should never have trusted someone who found Xander sexually attractive, even after he doubled in size."
"Cagh tak wihow brehig," Anya gurgled.
Buffy dropped her in a pile on the floor. "What did you say you dirty ho bag?" Buffy asked as she delivered as solid, yet heroic, kick to Anya's side.
"Can't talk without breathing," Anya gasped. "Miss Green and Glowy is in the bathroom. Chill out Jo--,er, Buffy."
Buffy ran to the bathroom in slow motion. She wrenched the door open and screamed out. "Dawn! Stand still while I kill that thing on your head!"
Dawn burst into tears. "No! Buffy, you can't. It's..it's..oh God it's my hair!"
Buffy fell to her knees in shock. It was too much. She couldn't protect her sister. This was an evil not even she could fight. Only one thing could pull her out of it.
"Hey, where's Xander?"
******************************
Xander slipped out of the alley while Buffy ran towards Dawn. As he headed for Spike's crypt, he could feel his old softie turning into an upright citizen. Mr. Syphilis would be more than a two stroke engine tonight.
By the time Xander entered Spike's crypt, the big dripper was tight in his pants.
"I was wondering when one of you lot would come. Sodding trees were giving my droopy dog splinters. So then, shall we cut to the chase?" Spike said as he removed his clothes.
Xander watched, shocked to see that Spike's stinky twinkie was quite the tiny tim.
"Wow Spike. From all the play you've been getting, I expected your warthog to be, well, bigger," Xander said, unable to tear his eyes away from Spike's proud, if miniscule, jutting cock.
"Harris, do you want my Scooby snack or not? Besides, Ralph the fur faced chicken can do quite a bit of damage for all its half an inch."
Xander knew that all he wanted was to put his hands on that pale ivory tower, so he shut up and moved closer. He quickly removed his clothes, his molten mushroom twitching happily.
Spike moved behind Xander with vampire speed. "Ready for Vlad the Impaler, whelp?" Spike asked as he pulled Xander to him.
Xander shuddered as he anxiously awaited Spike's thrill drill.
Just as Spike was maneuvering his throbbing purple pneumatic drill of lurve into position, a demon ran into the crypt, bringing tiny Elvis to a screeching halt.
"Don't you know anything? You must use lube! Lube, I say, lube!" The demon snapped it's fingers and an three industrial sized vats of lube appeared. The demon quickly opened each one, poured them out until every dry spot was greased up, and then ran out of the crypt.
"That was…odd. Oh well. Ready for Jo Jo the circus clown?" Spike asked.
He moved his granite edifice back into position, but when he went to thrust his heat seeking moisture missle into Xander's sweet spot, he succeeded only in losing his grip on Xander's hips and falling to the floor, turning his church spire into a gummy worm.
"Bugger. Looks like I'll need a Viagra to turn Limpy into Captain Kirk. You'll just have to wait about two hours," Spike said, matter of factly as he stared forlornly at his Rumpleforeskin.
"I can't wait that long to feel your spelunking sausage. Any minute now Buffy's going to realize I'm gone and come to claim your quivering member as her own. I know what to do," Xander said. He moved towards his cast off clothes, slipping and sliding in the massive puddle of lube. He reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out several iron rings and a rubber band. He slowly made his way back to Spike.
"These are cock rings. They do the same trick as Viagra, but quicker. I carried them around because sometimes I have problems with Russell the love muscle, and I never knew when Anya was going to want the third arm of justice. Try them on, and if they're all too big," Xander paused, staring at Spike's wrinkle beast, "which they might be for your twig and berries, the rubber band does the same trick."
"Worth a try, if it can give life to Tobias the cheeky monkey," Spike said, leering. "I'll just need a little…manual stimulation for the wonder down under."
"Gladly," Xander said as he slid his way over to Spike's Slim Jim.
Together, they turned Spike's slut stick into a rock hard kaptain kielbasa, and Xander slipped the rubber band around big Jim and the twins.
Spike tried again to spear Xander with his anal impaler, but try as he might his intrusion protrusion kept missing the mark. He couldn't keep his balance long enough to get the master of ceremonies into position.
"We'll have to try something else. We can do it the other way around," Spike said.
Spike and Xander attempted to switch positions. It wasn't easy. Xander kept falling, using said falls as excuses to grab Spike's spunk spelunker. Spike did his best to steady Xander by holding onto Xander's lovewand. Finally Xander fell to his knees in front of Spike's pleasure piston.
"We can do that too," Spike murmured, as he watched Xander's mouth get closer to Sir Martin Wagstaff.
Just as Xander made contact with the little general, Spike slipped and fell.
"Bloody hell."
Xander began to feel frustrated. Spike's honey-hued column was right there for the taking and Xander still hadn't had a go. All he wanted was to feel Spike's bulbous big-knob inside him. Xander made his way towards Spike, never losing eye-contact with that blue-veined junket pumper. Xander managed to maneuver himself into a sixty-nine position, his little man with the helmet dangling over Spike's head, Xander's own head a few feet above Spike's Eiffel tower.
He began to lower himself, anxious to taste Spike's thrusting manhood, when he slipped again.
"Aw! Your bloody bald-headed mouse is in my bleedin' eye!" Spike yelped, as he pushed Xander aside. Spike was covering his eye, so Xander couldn't see if the family jewels had done any real damage.
Spike stood up, his little spike protruding, teasing Xander and making his own zipper ripper pulsate. Xander was determined to get a piece of the yummy hummer hanging between Spike's legs.
But try as Xander might, Spike's squinty blowpop seemed unattainable. Every position they tried ended with someone's pump action yogurt rifle missing the target. They tried it laying down and ended with Xander's bayonet hitting Spike's kidneys. They tried it on their knees, which resulted only in Spike's elephant's trunk getting elbowed.
"That's it!" Xander cried. "I'm gonna get a piece of that veiny bangstick if it kills me! All we have to do is keep one of us steady enough for the other to use their rocket to Uranus."
"Well I've got some handcuffs downstairs, if you're willing," Spike suggested.
Xander wasn't too keen on bondage fun, but he was prepared to do anything for Spike's pulsating woodwind.
Xander followed Spike into the depths of the crypt. Watching Spike's pale white ass was making Freddy firehose even harder than it already was. Xander gently stroked his womb hammer in anticipation.
Spike fished around the ruins of what had been his bedroom, his twizzler of love dangling invitingly. He finally found the handcuffs and held them up.
"So, who gets to wear these?" Spike asked.
Xander couldn't decide. He knew he wanted Spike's one eyed wonder weasel but he didn't know if he was willing to be handcuffed for it. If he was the one handcuffed then he wouldn't be free to stroke the Spike's sperminator. If Spike were handcuffed, Xander would be able to touch the Energizer bunny as much as he wanted. Spike's pink oboe would be his to touch and tease. Xander only had to look at Spike's hot beef injection to know that he wanted to be taken by Spike, to know that Spike's pennis the menace was in control.
"I'll wear them," Xander said.
Spike led Xander back up, as the lower level was too full of random pieces of wood for Spike to feel comfortable having any kind of wild monkey sex. Spike hadn't been too sure how he'd feel sharing his stealth bomber with the butt monkey, but based on the reaction admiral winky had, it was going to feel good.
"So, Bleach Boy, where do I need to go?" Xander asked.
"Over here. This is where Buffy used to tie me up and play with my excreting eel," Spike said, motioning Xander to a corner of the crypt. "For whatever reason, there's a pipe running through here that works pretty well to attach handcuffs and ropes."
Slipping and sliding over the lube covered floor, Xander eventually made his way to the spot Spike had indicated. Xander laid on the floor and waited for Spike and his colon cowboy to make their way over.
Spike crouched over Xander, snapping the handcuffs on each hand and then pulling Xander's hands back to snap the cuffs around the pipe. All the while, Spike's ass pirate was inches from Xander's face. Xander tried to reach his head to Spike's flesh pistol, but Spike quickly stood up, moving his love weasel out of Xander's reach.
"Uh, uh, pet. Now it's time to do things my way. I get to control this situation, which means you don't get dickimus maximus until I say you do," Spike taunted.
Xander's passion rifle throbbed. Now that Xander couldn't get to Spike's kick stand, he only wanted it more. Xander stared at Spike's throbbing slab of man meat while Spike watched Xander squirm.
Spike reached down and gently stroked Xander's missle of love. Xander couldn't take it anymore. His squirt gun exploded like a firecracker of ecstasy, spitting his love juice all over Spike's hand.
Spike wasn't expecting such a forceful outburst from Xander's stick shift. Spike tried to pull his hand back quickly and ended up knocking himself off balance, slipping on the lubed up floor and falling to the ground. When Spike realized what had happened, his meat spear throbbed and spit out its lifeless seed. Though it was small, Spike's eeny weenie packed quite the spunky punch. His cold dead baby batter sprayed all over the crypt walls, into the smallest nooks and crannies that were impossible to clean.
"Damn. I'll have to call in some heavy duty favors to clean the spunk off the walls," Spike muttered to himself.
Spike sighed and pulled the rubber band off of his manlog. He made his way over to Xander to find that Xander's meat case was withered and flaccid.
"Is it alright if we just cuddle?"