Buffy got up off of the floor. She screamed one last time at the thing on Dawn's head, which had transformed from Xander's worst hairdo into something very Flock of Seagulls.
"Dawn, I'm so sorry about your hair. Hold on just one second."
Buffy left for a quick moment and returned holding something in her hands.
"Buffy! No!"
"Dawn, please listen to me. Listen. We don't have much time. This is the work I have to do. Your hair is bad enough to drive us all mad. Tell Giles I've figured it out and the bag can't come off of your head. And I'm okay with that because that's one horrid hairdo. And tell my friends I love them and I'm sorry I didn't do the same for them, cause we all know there have been times when they really needed it. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it with really bad hair. No one wants to talk to you or look at you or be associated with you. Be brave. Live with it. For me. Because I have better things to do right now. Like trying to find Xander and keep him from boning Spike before I get my kicks."
Buffy put the bag on Dawn's head and ran off to Spike's crypt.
******************************
Xander wished Spike would free his hands so he could stroke the platinum head that was sleeping peacefully on Xander's chest. They hadn't gotten to do anything, thanks to the evil lube monster that made it impossible for any real sexing to go on, but they had connected. Somehow, they had connected.
The crypt door suddenly slammed open.
Spike jerked awake and stared at the fuming slayer in the doorway.
"Spike! Xander! What the hell are you doing?" Buffy demanded.
"Is this how you always come into this crypt? Geez, are we all this rude? I'm really sorry Spike," Xander said.
"'S'okay, love. I'm used to it. Well, what do you want?" Spike asked Buffy.
"Why are you…I'm the one who's supposed to get to sleep with you. Not him!" Buffy whined.
"What can I say? I've always been bad, baby. And horny as hell. And he beat you to it," Spike replied.
"This has to stop. This has to stop right now," Buffy commanded.
"Oh, so you get to bone the undead but everyone else has to stick to the living? I see how it is Buffy. You always push us out. Never let us be part of the 'I slept with a vampire' club. When are you gonna let us in?" Xander yelled.
"Xander, I," Buffy said as she turned to look at him. "God! Put some clothes on! I can't talk to you while you're naked and handcuffed!"
"Well Spike is naked too!" Xander said defensively.
"Yeah, but Spike is sexy and I've seen everything he has to offer before. You're like my BROTHER! My naked, handcuffed brother! EWWW!" Buffy cried out, turning away.
"If you don't want to see it, you don't have to be here Buffy. Spike and I are happy together," Xander said as Spike freed his hands.
"You're not really in love with him! It's Horribus Fictitious seeping through that makes you think you are. Amilaki has been screwing with everything! I have to stop that bitch before anything else happens."
Buffy ran out of the door, followed closely by Spike.
"Buffy! Where are you going? Aren't we going to have sex?" Spike cried out.
"Not until I set things straight!" Buffy shouted, not stopping.
"Buffy, I'm not gay now. That's Willow. I'm just horny. And what are you going to do, anyways?" Spike asked, grabbing Buffy by the arm, trying to turn her around so she would face him while she talked. Buffy's determination was stronger than he realized, however, and he ended up just being dragged along like a rag doll.
"I'm going to find that Amilaki demon and kill her," Buffy said coldly.
"How the bloody hell are you going to do that? You don't even know where the sodding bint is! And will you stop for one second so a bloke can get his footing?"
"Easy. I found a nest of Plot Contrivances demons earlier. One of them is bound to give me all the information I need at a crucial point that will make it easier on me to find and kill this Amilaki demon before the story ends. Duh."
******************************
Xander sat up and rubbed his wrists. The handcuffs didn't really hurt on account of the copious amount of lube, but that's what people always did when they got out of handcuffs, and Xander was a follower.
Xander thought about what Buffy had said. Could it be true? Was his love just a spell? He thought back to when Buffy and Spike were engaged, and how weird that had been. That was just a spell and Buffy thought it was real. Maybe Xander was under a spell too. He had to find out. Somehow or another, he had to find out. And he had to do it before Buffy closed the portal to Horribus Fictitious.
Xander didn't want to live in a world where he didn't love Spike and he wasn't about to let Buffy take it from him.
******************************
Buffy ran into the Magic Box, Spike trailing behind her.
"Giles, we have to stop this. It's getting worse. This is even worse than the singing! I don't –"
"Buffy, please, calm down. What's happened? Why the sudden urgency?" Giles asked, a concerned look on his face.
"I just saw Xander, naked, handcuffed, and covered in lube and Spike."
Giles immediately took off his glasses, cleaned them and then plugged his ears.
"La la la la la, I can't hear you, la la la."
Buffy watched as her watcher lost his mind. Then she slapped him, because she was the Slayer and violence was all she knew.
"Giles! Snap out of it!"
"I'm so sorry Buffy. I just didn't want to hear or think about that situation ever again in my life."
"Well neither do I, which is why we have to stop this demon."
"Very well. Um, where do you propose we start?"
"You do some research. See if Anya knows anything about this one, and check to see if crazy girl over there has had any visions."
Giles turned to look at Dru, who was hula dancing with a bookshelf.
"Right, of course. What will you do?"
"I'm going to see what these little demons know about Amilaki. And kick some ass. And maybe, just maybe, have sex with Spike."
"La la la la, I can't hear you, la la la."
******************************
Spike stared at Dru. It had been so long since he'd last seen her. What was she doing in Sunnydale? Why hadn't they killed her? Why was she trying to tango with the ladder? The last time they'd met he had threatened to kill her for Buffy. He wanted to go talk to her but was afraid of her wrath. Dru was already dangerous, unpredictable and very crazy. Make her mad, and there goes the world. Still, he wanted to talk to her and find out who she thought the ladder was. She was always good for a chuckle, that one.
Spike walked over to Dru.
"Come on now Mister. You promised we'd go dancing 'til the sun came up and fried us all into little marshmallow puffs. Don't go pretending you're not a harpist. Mummy knows better than that."
Spike smiled to himself. He really missed Dru's insanity sometimes. The girl may have been crazy, but she was a bloody lot easier to understand than the sodding Slayer.
"Hello, Dru," he said quietly.
"Spike! You came!" Dru turned to face him, a smile on her face.
"What're you doing here, pet?" Spike asked.
"Grandmum and I came to join the laughing widgets. We've fallen for the witches and the trolls cry for us. But the angels aren't happy. They make us hurt inside, just like daddy. Do you like daisies with bees inside them?"
Spike tilted his head and looked at her with sudden understanding. Everyone always thought she was babbling, but he had spent a hundred years with her. He understood that everything she said had a purpose and a meaning. And he understood her now.
"Dru. You got a soul. How'd you do that? And is it for Red or Spineless over there?"
"Grandmummy and I went to a little store.
I picked this up for you," she said handing him small slip of paper.
'Souls R Us!
Grand Opening Today!
All Souls Half Off!
Hurry, offer valid only for a limited time'
"Grandmummy and me are fiddle dee dee and the witches make us three and four. Her hair is silk and fire. I hope you understand, my poor Spike. You have yours. We reserved it for you. Pick it up when the stars go clickety click against the moon."
Spike stared at the ad in his hands and then back at Dru, who had given up on the ladder and moved on to the table, which was getting her very special lap dance. She always knew. Always.