The Dark Ride Saga – Chapter
Six
Make It So, Number One.
Disclaimers-
Running out of ideas: They still aint mine. One day though… Oh yes… Bikinis… so many bikinis… Uh… I mean all featured within are the property of Marvel. 'Cept Cal.
"So all I gotta do is sign over my soul?... hmm… something seems strange about this... ": Want to archive this? Probably not, but this part is just to feed my ego anyway. If you do wanna archive, just ask.
"I don't care what anyone says, its not real porn till a plumber named Sven arrives!": PG. As usual.
Regarding causality: This did fit in to the normal timeline, but I came back from the future and told myself to change it.
"Heed ye the words of the oracle!" Or don't, since any spoilers will be ancient and/or minor ones.
"You bit off his nose! You actually bit off Magneto's nose! HIS NOSE! HIS ACTUAL NOSE AND YOU BIT IT OFF!"
The last word was squeaked at a pitch so high all the heads of the dogs in the neighbourhood imploded. Well OK, they didn't, but I always put that part into the story. He hates it.
By the by, that outburst was from the teams leader, Scott Summers, AKA Cyclops.
I'm getting a little ahead of the continuity of the story here. I always skip to this part. The colour he was turning combined with the way his voice was getting higher and higher made it one of those special moments. You know the ones. The ones where you wish you had control over time and space so you could cut it out and keep it in a box under your bed and relive it over and over again.
Probably doesn't seem that funny to you but I loved it.
Anyway.
Jubilee had asked me to tell them a little about myself. What happened next was something I look back on with amusement.
I panicked.
I claimed I couldn't tell them anything about my past. That I was an amnesiac.
Everyone was silent for a moment. They looked at me. I looked back.
With a triumphant grin Logan held out a hand. With various expressions of annoyance the others placed various amounts of money into it. By this point I was as confused as you are.
Apparently they had a bet going as to what sort of background the next person to join the team would have. The choices were:
Amnesiac
(6:1 odds)
Someone's clone
(5:1odds)
Genetically engineered killing machine
(40:1odds)
A mutant with terrible powers that can only be controlled in a fashion that leads to lifelong tragedy for their wielder, if they can be controlled at all
(3:1 odds)
Another member of the Summers family
(2:1 odds)
Someone with a terrible past, a family full of FOH members and/or supervillians
(5:1 odds)
Someone without any crippling mutant powers, evil family members or dark secrets
(1,000,000:1 odds)
That was not supposed to happen. Never the less, it had. And now Jubilee was arguing with Logan that she didn't have to pay him because since I had amnesia that could mean I was repressing the fact that my past was so terrible and that I had a family full of FOH members and supervillians.
While I was trying to work out what had just happened the conversation continued to swirl around me. It swirled to the point where it was decided I should be introduced to Professor Xavier.
Without quite being aware of how it happened I found myself in a magnificently appointed study. (Magnificently appointed study. You can tell I've been watching Frasier. And yes, I'm aware that it isn't considered polite or even normal to admit you watch that show. If you mention it to anyone I'll just use the FBI defence. 'Deny everything.')
Anyway.
I was in a study, the furniture of which cost enough money to choke a whale. In front of me was an antique desk that I later found out is even older than Cher. On the other side of this desk was the most powerful telepath on the planet. A man who was famed across time and space for his wisdom, compassion and insight. And what did I do as I sat across from this man? This legend in his own time? Did I ponder how I could perhaps follow in his footsteps, attempting to bring peace to others? Did I sit for a moment in quiet reflection?
No.
I did not.
I sat and tried not to make Star Trek references.
Honestly.
The man looks so much like Jean-Luc Picard it scares me.
We talked. Well, he talked. I was distracted by the light reflecting off his head.
He polishes it. He has too. One day I'll prove it.
Uhhh…..
Anyway.
Long and the short of it was that he agreed to let me stay and join the team. Apparently he had decided I was a good person based solely on the fact that I had helped Marrow bring down a group of mutants in a sewer. In return for my being on the team he promised to use the resources he had to try and find out about my past and cure the amnesia I didn't actually have.
Free room and board in a mansion full of extremely attractive women, with occasional battles to the death with supervillians thrown in.
Paradise.
I was soon being shown around the mansion by Logan. Marrow had decided to tag along. It became obvious they didn't get along well. The fact that within five minutes he had her pinned to a wall with his claws out and aimed at her stomach while she had a bone knife held point first against his back was a clue.
He politely offered to put her down like the rabid animal she was.
She politely offered to throat him.
I impolitely shrieked/squealed "what!?!" in a high pitched voice.
See where I come from throating someone aint exactly a threat.
The fact I completely humiliated myself pointing out and explaining this was more than compensated for by their expressions and the looks of pure unimaginable horror they gave each other.
Anyway.
Once you've repressed any mental pictures that last part may have caused I'll continue. We moved further into the mansion and the décor began change from 'look how much better I am because I'm richer than you' into 'why's the little grey guy with the big head waving that metal hoobajoob at my butt?.' Place was seriously sci-fi. The tour ended in what was essentially a big silver room. I'd have made a smartassed comment about that but I was still being haunted by the throating comment. Having naked thoughts about Marrow Sure, but Logan? That's just wrong on so many levels.
"This is the danger room. It uses some sorta advanced tech ta generate holograms."
Logan looked me up and down before continuing
"We'll be up there."
He gestured to an observation area set high in one wall.
"Time ta see how good you really are."
They left. I waited. I waited some more. It had been less than a minute but I was kinda getting all panicky. What If I messed up and tripped over my own hooves or something? What if I humiliated myself completely and Sarah refused to ever speak to me again? Why was her opinion suddenly so important to me? When had she become Sarah and not Marrow? And what was that annoying WHOK WHOK noise? And why was I stood there talking to myself?
The answer was surprisingly easy to discover. Well the one about the WHOK WHOK noise was.
I'm still not sure about the others. Especially the talking to myself one.
Anyway.
Turns out I was being attacked by three guys in FOH (that's friends of humanity) badges. They were hitting me with steel bars.
I did mention that because of the Bio-armour I have instead of skin I can't actually fell anything right? A left hook into the face of the guy on the right redecorated the wall behind him with bits of his head that were never designed to see daylight, a right hook to the guy on the left and he was gonna be eating his holographic thanksgiving turkey through an equally holographic straw. I reached out my claw, grabbed the last guy's neck and jerked my hand to the side. He never even had time to realise he was dead before I dropped his body.
I remember thinking 'Damn but this is realistic' right before the ninja jumped me. Turns out that whenever you take out one opponent another more powerful one appears. The ninja lasted an embarrassingly long time before he started to get tired and I managed to connect with a swing that broke his hip and shattered the bones in his thigh.
You think that'd take down a ninja right? Wrong. One-legged assassins are surprisingly agile. Luckily a bone fragment had severed an artery so he collapsed before he could humiliate me too much.
The next opponent was a Sentinel. That was fun. The trick to killing Sentinels is to wait till they begin their entire 'mutant located. Beginning primary objective' speech. They usually don't attack while they're reeling it off so you can whack 'em easily.
The next opponent was a minor evil minion™ called Blizzard. He hissed
"Now you shaaalll feel the icy chill of blizzzzzzzzzzard!"
I was not impressed.
Due to my admittedly unusual biology my I can generate fairly large amounts of electricity on command. I generated as much as I could and transmitted it into my lungs.
Suddenly instead of breathing out a nice cloud of pine fresh scented carbon dioxide I'm breathing out a ball of superheated plasma.
Even through his really stupid mask I could see his expression of surprise.
Well, I could see it right up to the point when his head vaporised.
Suddenly a section of a city swirled into existence around me and Scott's voice echoed.
"We've been watching for a while and were all curious as to exactly how much you can handle. With your permission we want to activate one last hologram."
I was feeling really confident so I agreed. I waited. I looked up at the control room. Marrow gestured behind me. The really nasty grin she was wearing didn't inspire me. I turned. There, floating quite calmly several meters in the air, surrounded by a magnetic bubble was Magneto.
I had a sudden psychic episode; this was not going to end well.
He raised a hand to chest level and swept it to his left. Following the movement was two cars and a dumpster. All three managed to hit me. He repeated the movement several times and once he was certain I was thoroughly pacified he moved in to taunt me, as was his villainous wont. (Get out of my head Frasier damn you!)
I muttered something, just loud enough for him to hear I had said something. His curiosity piqued he moved in a few feet. I repeated it. I wasn't actually saying anything, I was just sounding like I was. He moved even closer, and leaned in towards me. I grinned and launched forwards.
The rest you know.
The moral of this little experience?
Biting off the nose of someone tougher 'n you is a great way of breaking their concentration and rendering them vulnerable.
I never said I was a nice person.