The Dark Ride Saga - Chapter
Seven
In which our hero witnesses the brutal
oppression of his people.
Disclaimers-
Outright denial: This was actually written by King Doom's evil twin, Spanky. He's the one who lives in the secret underwater base and impersonates good, ol' KD.
Archiving: As always, be my guest. But remember, it's good luck to buy a fanfic author a beer.
Rating: 90 proof. Some obscenities.
Instructions for reading: At every page, drink a shot of tequila, eat a bit of salt and some lemon. Repeat until you say, "Damn, I have to write to Marvel and get 'em to hook up Marrow with this King Doom guy!"
Spoilers: Yes, but as usual I'm too lazy to say what they are.
After my amazing victory over Magneto in the danger room and the ensuing lecture from Scott about how the X-men did not bite off people's noses ever, even when it could turn the tide of a battle I had retired to the basement. I'd been offered one of the rooms in the guys wing of the mansion but I felt a hell of a lot… not safer, but… Hell I don't know. I just feel happier underground. And in the dark. And alone. Crowds freak me out too. And, I'm angsting now. Just noticed that.
Sorry.
Anyway, there I was lying on a mattress that I had been provided with, being seriously aching and bruised and generally in pain, worrying about the fact that due to an evil magnetism controlling super villain pounding a streetlight repeatedly into the small of my back I had two seriously bruised kidneys and would probably be peeing pink for the foreseeable future.
Uhhh…
I forget where I was going with that particular anecdote.
Anyway.
Cutting this part of this long story slightly shorter I fell asleep. The sound of footsteps woke me up. It was Marrow. First thing I noticed was rather than her normal tensed-up-ready-to-kill-someone-at-a-moments-notice walk she was swaying across the room in a slinky 100% porn starlet strut. Something was wrong here, but she moved over to the mattress and with a very friendly smile pressed herself against me and I suddenly found it very hard to think at all. After a few moments of enthusiastically rubbing herself against me she looked into my eyes and purred
"Well, aren't you going to join in?"
I was seriously surprised by this turn of events, and after a few attempts managed to regain the powers of speech and mention this. She laughed and asked why I couldn't just lie back and enjoy. I developed a twitch. With a sigh she rolled back and explained
"This is a dream sequence. I'm your subconscious. Look."
A swarm of winged monkeys flew past. Everything was starting to make sense. Well, it made more sense than an attractive woman throwing herself at me.
Anyway.
She continued
"You like Marrow don't you? Your gonna act all surprised that I said that and say something like but I've only known her a few days right? And then you'll angst."
I nodded mutely.
"I know how these things are supposed to go. You'll realize you hate her, and she'll realize she hates you, except when your saving each others lives, at which point there'll be lots of unresolved sexual tension and then one day some random super villain will shoot at one of you and the other will dive into the way, valiantly saving the others life at the cost of his or her own, and will survive only long enough to admit they've been in love with the survivor all along before dieing. How tragically romantic. You know what I think about that?"
I shook my head. My life was just one big surreal drug free acid trip. She started talking again.
"BULLSHIT! Its not gonna happen. Your gonna be nice to her. Your gonna listen to her. Eventually she may consent to actually start a relationship with you. That would be a good thing. Oh, and this is for threatening to stab me to death with a Q-tip."
I woke up with a start. That was a weird dream. I relaxed and lay back down on the bed. I couldn't help but wonder
"What did she mean when she said and 'this is for threatening to stab me with a Q-tip?'"
Someone next to me rolled over, an arm was draped across my chest and the very naked Wolverine I was sharing the bed with asked
"Who said what about a Q-tip darlin'?"
And then I woke up screaming.
A family sized tub of chewable morphine stolen from the infirmary and eaten with an ice cream scoop later I managed to fall asleep again. The next morning was a weekday and the mansion was deserted. Apparently everyone had actual real lives outside of the team and the occasional skirmish to the death with supervillians bent on destroying/conquering the world. Within an hour I was so bored I was seriously contemplating chewing my own arm off, just to see if I could. I wandered into the rec room. I was confronted with the biggest most expensive TV system I had ever seen. Unfortunately, it being daytime, there was nothing but daytime TV.
Within fifteen minutes I was so bored I was reduced to watching Oprah while sitting on the couch upside down.
After about half an episode of lesbian transsexual prostitutes who are addicted to crack hitting each other with chairs Marrow walked in. She didn't comment, she just sat on the couch across from me and gave me a strange look. She opened her mouth to make a comment but I interrupted.
"I'm bored ok? Now quiet. Lesbian hookers on crack."
I gestured vaguely towards the TV.
"Your bored so your sitting upside down on the couch? That helps?"
"Well, no. But all the blood does flow to your head and you start hallucinating."
"Oh."
All was quiet for a while. She let out a sigh and moved over to the couch. We sat upside down for a while, making sarcastic comments about the problems of all the guests. Then I had a minor psychotic episode where Rosie O'Donnell's head floated out of the TV and told me to go out and kill in her name. You thought I was kidding about the blood flow to the head/hallucinations thing right?
Anyway.
The minutes stretched into hours. It's a lot less dull than it sounds. To tell the truth, I was happy spending time with someone who was acting like I was a regular person instead of a giant lizard thing. It was … nice.
Stop looking at me like that. I bet you've never been chased across three blocks by a nun waving a bible, a bell and a candle who's hell bent on exorcising you, right?
And yes, I'm aware of the irony of using the words hell bent to describe a nun.
Anyway.
Eventually another one of the X-men wandered in. This was one I hadn't been introduced too. I heard him mutter
"Ok. Monster on the couch. Upside down monster on the couch. Fine. Just dandy. I don't care. I've spent the last seven hours filing other people's taxes and I'm past caring."
He moved over to one of the big comfy chairs and collapsed with a combination 'I'm glad that's over' sigh and a 'thank god I'm sat down' groan. He fidgeted for a while and then asked
"Hey Marrow, are you watching this?"
She turned to look at me and asked
"Are we watching this?"
I shrugged (That's actually a pretty impressive feat if your upside down and nine feet tall with wings) and answered
"I'm not really watching this."
I turned to face the guy and asked what he wanted to watch. He was looking very surprised I could speak. My opinion of him plummeted. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and listened as he told us about a marathon of Anime he had been looking forward to for a while. Japanese animation. It sounded interesting.
Two hours later, I was considering invading Japan and my opinion of abacus boy was so low it had moved into a subterranean cavern next to the mole people.
What? Abacus boy? He had muttered something about doing other peoples taxes. I assumed he was an accountant. Or he worked for the mob. Possibly both.
Why was I so annoyed?
Each and every one of the movies featured at least one giant monster either doing something disturbingly unhygienic to schoolgirls before being blasted to pieces by some idiot with bad hair who screamed out the names of every one of his attacks and glowed, or just straight out being hacked to pieces by a ninja. One of them even looked like me!
The monster, not the schoolgirl. That would be weird.
And another thing. If I ever start glowing I'm gonna check the water supply for heavy metals. These guys just seem to think it makes them powerful.
Anyway.
I asked him if he really enjoyed watching this stuff. He opened his mouth to say something when the character (read: Hentai Tentacle Monster) that looked like me was sliced in two.
You have no idea how disturbing it is to see an animated version of yourself cut in two by a chibified schoolgirl with giant eyes, a magic cat and really big hair.
I gave abacus boy a very nasty look. That's something I'm good at. He left very quickly. Marrow laughed.
Just great. I'd been the mansion less than a week and I'd scared one X-man away and called another Gatorbait.