Little Rejections
By Ryuuen
Warnings: Angst, shounen-ai (Nuriko/Hotohori), SAP, draaaammmaaa, and events of Nuriko's past completely made up by the author (which technically makes it A/U but not really, so nyaahhh)
Timeline: After it's discovered Nuriko is a man, but before they leave for Hokkan (obviously).
Disclaimer: I am currently in the possession of an Alanis Moressette CD which I borrowed. I am also in the possession of a jade-like bracelet. But, alas, I am not in the possession of Fushigi Yuugi.
A/N: More Nuriko angst. The song here is the fifth song on Alanis Moressette's CD "Under Rug Swept" but I don't know the name of it (because, as above mentioned, I only borrowed the CD, I do not own it). Anyway, I typed the lyrics up myself so if they're off then it's my fault and no one else's, because I am too lazy to go to www.lyrics.com and look for them. Or the fact that I'm sick. That might have something to do with it.
NOTE: Insanity can be blamed on paint fumes from Ryuuen's recently-painted room, or the fact that Ryuuen is sick. Arigato! **Nuriko**
LITTLE REJECTIONS
[All these little rejections
how they add up so quickly
one small sideways look and I
feel so ungood
somewhere along the way I think
I gave you the parlor wink
make me feel the way I thought of me
my father could]
Nuriko sat by himself in the corner of the large room, on a soft-cushioned chair facing the window. He didn't speak as Hotohori came to stand nearby, didn't give any sign that he had noticed the young emperor in any way.
"Nuriko, are you alright?" Hotohori asked, concerned. When he didn't get any reply, his eyebrows slanted downwards in thought. Nuriko had been sulking like this all day- he hadn't eaten anything, either. It was really worrying the others, and Hotohori had opted to come and see what was wrong. Only, Nuriko didn't seem to be talking.
"What's wrong, Nuriko? If you don't tell us, we can't help you." Hotohori said finally, just a little frustrated at the violet-haired Suzaku no seishi. But that faded when Nuriko turned his head finally to face him, tears staining his pale cheeks, then lowered his eyes to the floor.
"You can't help me," Nuriko said softly, his voice barely audible, even in the perfect silence of the room, thick with tears and emotion. "No one can."
"Why not?" Asked Hotohori, his hand moving to Nuriko's shoulder almost subconsciously. "Nuriko, please tell me what's wrong."
"Hotohori-sama, ne, please, it's better if you don't know," Nuriko said finally, glancing up at him with such sadness in his eyes that it stunned the younger man. "I'll be fine."
"Nuriko, onegai, tell me." Hotohori said, his voice laced with concern. "If you want, I won't say anything at all, but I would like to know what's bothering you."
"It's.. It's nothing, Heika-sama," Nuriko said after a long moment, giving a little, not-entirely-sincere smile. "I'll be alright. Really."
But Hotohori knew by the expression on his face that he would be no such thing.
[All these little rejections
how they seem so real to me
one forgotten birthday
I'm all but cooked
and how these little abandonments
seem to sting so easily
I'm thirteen again and I'm
thirteen for good]
Nuriko fell silent again, and Hotohori, as well, said nothing. The silence entrapped them, and neither could seem to find the strength to leave, nor to speak.
Finally, Hotohori said, "Nuriko, you can't do this."
"Ne?" Nuriko looked up at him, puzzled, having been snapped out of his private thoughts by the sound of the emperor's voice. "Nani?"
"You can't go off like this. We are both celestial warriors of Suzaku, aren't we?" Hotohori asked. When Nuriko nodded, trembling at the power in his voice, he continued. "You need to tell me what is wrong, so that we can solve it. We can't fight together if we don't trust each other."
Nuriko was silent for a long time, staring up at Hotohori with those wide, rose-violet eyes, looking mildly afraid and shocked, and then thoughtful.
"Heika-sama, onegai, I promise you, nothing.." Nuriko replied after a moment, but Hotohori cut him off mid-sentance.
"Stop saying that nothing is wrong when I know very well that something is wrong."
"Hotohori-sama, I.. It's personal, ne? It's not something I can tell to other people easily," Nuriko said after a moment of thought. "I don't know how to put it into words."
"Could you try?" Hotohori asked, his voice surprisingly gently. Nuriko nodded a little.
"I guess... I can try..."
[All these little protections
how they fail to service me
one forgotten phone call and
I'm deflated
All these little defenses
how they fail to comfort me
your hand pulls away and I'm
devestated]
"I just.. I guess it's a lot of things, you know?" Nuriko began. "I guess the biggest couple of things are, well... umm.. Today's the twelth, isn't it?"
"Hai," Hotohori replied, but he didn't really see how that could bear any hold on Nuriko's mood lately.
"Arigato. Well, there are two big things that are bothering me. The first is that two days ago was my birthday.. I dunno, it's not a big deal. I turned nineteen." Nuriko said. Hotohori felt a pang of guilt. He had been so busy in the past few days, he hadn't remembered...
"Nuriko.." He began, but Nuriko held up a hand to silence him.
"No, it's all right. That's mostly not it at all," The violet-haired seishi flashed a momentary grin that didn't quite reach his eyes, then fell back to solemnity. "The second is that today is the ninth aniversary of the day that... of the day that.. that my sister... died.."
"Nuriko, I'm so sorry.." Hotohori said, and Nuriko nodded, tears forming in his eyes again.
"Don't be," He said, and when he blinked the tears cascaded down his pale face, tracing salty tracks. "I usually don't even think about stuff like this, but I guess I've just been thinking a lot lately, and besides, the last time no one remembered my birthday, was, well.."
"..Well?" Hotohori prompted, and Nuriko shrugged a little, a little whimpering noise escaping as he tried to hold back sobs at the memories.
Sighing, Nuriko launched into the story.
[All these little rejections
how they keep springing for me
I jump my ship as I take it
personally
Oh these little rejections
how they dissappear quickly
the moment I decide not to
let it effect me]
When Nuriko was thirteen, he had left home for the first time. He had become tired of the veiled glares of the villagers, the silent but still substantial disgust of his parents. The accepting, but still cruel, advice of his brother Rokou, who told him to stop dressing as Kourin, she was gone. Nuriko was tired of listening to it, and he knew he had to leave.
On March tenth, he had turned fourteen. No one in the village he was in knew that it was his birthday. No one said, "happy birthday" or even "have a nice day". They knew he was okama, or crossdresser, since he was still near enough Eiyou that they would. He had locked himself in the tiny room in the inn, crying so long and so hard that his eyes had been red and his body ached from stiffness. No one had come to inquire about the loud, painful sobs- no doubt they had deduced what they were from. Nor had anyone thought to ask about why he hadn't eaten all day. It was an empty day, with no one to care, and no one to console him in the pain he felt over that fact. He had been so lonely, it was a blessing when he left that town and it's cruel villagers behind.
Later on, when he went from one town to the next, where the people thought of him as female and not an okama, he made a point of making a few friends at least in every town. Maybe it was his compassionate nature that made him befriend people so much, or perhaps merely the selfish desire to be recognized, a loneliness he wanted to go away.
It had hurt so much when he had awoken that morning, knowing that no one had remembered, because he hadn't told them. That, compounded with the fact that it was the anniversary of Kourin's death, and he became miserable.
No one really seemed to understand that, though. It made him feel so.. insignifigant. When he got to crying about one thing, he would soon begin to think about other things, like himself. He began to think bad things about himself, to believe the things that Miaka and Tamahome (among other people) had thought of him, so long ago, when they had first met. Even before then. The names the villagers called him. The cruel kicks and punches from the other children. His parents' casual disregard for it. For him. He called himself names until he had dug himself into a kind of hole, the darkness swallowing the good things and making him believe only the ill, calling himself ugly and stupid, among other things.
He told all of this to Hotohori. Everything. He wanted it to be known.
For once, he wanted someone to comfort him in his misery, instead of just letting him cry alone in the corner.
[I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind]
"Nuriko, I'm sorry.." Hotohori said finally, when Nuriko had finished speaking. "I shouldn't have pressed you."
"No.. no, I wanted someone to know. I wanted you to know." Nuriko said, the tears having faded from his eyes, and he held himself a little stronger. "Some things.. need to be talked about, ne? I can't take the one incident to my grave. It makes me feel better to talk about it. It's stupid, don't you think? That one thing like that influences me so much?"
"I don't think it's stupid." Hotohori said. "Thank you for telling me."
"Thank you for listening." Nuriko stood and put his arms around the emperor, who froze for a moment and then returned the embrace.
"Nuriko.." Hotohori started to say, but Nuriko smiled up at him for a moment, silencing him with only the look in his eyes. An emotion contained there.. was it.. love?
"Shh," Nuriko whispered, his smile small but sincere, and he tilted his head to look up at Hotohori. "Don't speak."
Hotohori looked down at his fellow Suzaku no seishi, and Nuriko's smile grew a little.
"Don't say a word." Nuriko said as his lips met with Hotohori's, and for a long, silent, perfect moment, neither broke the kiss.
Nuriko knew that there would be no more forgotten birthdays now that he had the other Suzaku no seishi.
He kissed Hotohori again, on a whim, knowing that if Hotohori didn't feel at least something for him, he would have broken the kiss before. Hotohori smiled at him warmly afterwards, and he knew that his feelings were returned.
"There won't be any more rejections for you," Hotohori said. "I'll make sure of it."
Nuriko grinned and kissed Hotohori again, then spoke.
"I know, Hotohori-sama, I know."
*OWARI*
By Ryuuen
Warnings: Angst, shounen-ai (Nuriko/Hotohori), SAP, draaaammmaaa, and events of Nuriko's past completely made up by the author (which technically makes it A/U but not really, so nyaahhh)
Timeline: After it's discovered Nuriko is a man, but before they leave for Hokkan (obviously).
Disclaimer: I am currently in the possession of an Alanis Moressette CD which I borrowed. I am also in the possession of a jade-like bracelet. But, alas, I am not in the possession of Fushigi Yuugi.
A/N: More Nuriko angst. The song here is the fifth song on Alanis Moressette's CD "Under Rug Swept" but I don't know the name of it (because, as above mentioned, I only borrowed the CD, I do not own it). Anyway, I typed the lyrics up myself so if they're off then it's my fault and no one else's, because I am too lazy to go to www.lyrics.com and look for them. Or the fact that I'm sick. That might have something to do with it.
NOTE: Insanity can be blamed on paint fumes from Ryuuen's recently-painted room, or the fact that Ryuuen is sick. Arigato! **Nuriko**
LITTLE REJECTIONS
[All these little rejections
how they add up so quickly
one small sideways look and I
feel so ungood
somewhere along the way I think
I gave you the parlor wink
make me feel the way I thought of me
my father could]
Nuriko sat by himself in the corner of the large room, on a soft-cushioned chair facing the window. He didn't speak as Hotohori came to stand nearby, didn't give any sign that he had noticed the young emperor in any way.
"Nuriko, are you alright?" Hotohori asked, concerned. When he didn't get any reply, his eyebrows slanted downwards in thought. Nuriko had been sulking like this all day- he hadn't eaten anything, either. It was really worrying the others, and Hotohori had opted to come and see what was wrong. Only, Nuriko didn't seem to be talking.
"What's wrong, Nuriko? If you don't tell us, we can't help you." Hotohori said finally, just a little frustrated at the violet-haired Suzaku no seishi. But that faded when Nuriko turned his head finally to face him, tears staining his pale cheeks, then lowered his eyes to the floor.
"You can't help me," Nuriko said softly, his voice barely audible, even in the perfect silence of the room, thick with tears and emotion. "No one can."
"Why not?" Asked Hotohori, his hand moving to Nuriko's shoulder almost subconsciously. "Nuriko, please tell me what's wrong."
"Hotohori-sama, ne, please, it's better if you don't know," Nuriko said finally, glancing up at him with such sadness in his eyes that it stunned the younger man. "I'll be fine."
"Nuriko, onegai, tell me." Hotohori said, his voice laced with concern. "If you want, I won't say anything at all, but I would like to know what's bothering you."
"It's.. It's nothing, Heika-sama," Nuriko said after a long moment, giving a little, not-entirely-sincere smile. "I'll be alright. Really."
But Hotohori knew by the expression on his face that he would be no such thing.
[All these little rejections
how they seem so real to me
one forgotten birthday
I'm all but cooked
and how these little abandonments
seem to sting so easily
I'm thirteen again and I'm
thirteen for good]
Nuriko fell silent again, and Hotohori, as well, said nothing. The silence entrapped them, and neither could seem to find the strength to leave, nor to speak.
Finally, Hotohori said, "Nuriko, you can't do this."
"Ne?" Nuriko looked up at him, puzzled, having been snapped out of his private thoughts by the sound of the emperor's voice. "Nani?"
"You can't go off like this. We are both celestial warriors of Suzaku, aren't we?" Hotohori asked. When Nuriko nodded, trembling at the power in his voice, he continued. "You need to tell me what is wrong, so that we can solve it. We can't fight together if we don't trust each other."
Nuriko was silent for a long time, staring up at Hotohori with those wide, rose-violet eyes, looking mildly afraid and shocked, and then thoughtful.
"Heika-sama, onegai, I promise you, nothing.." Nuriko replied after a moment, but Hotohori cut him off mid-sentance.
"Stop saying that nothing is wrong when I know very well that something is wrong."
"Hotohori-sama, I.. It's personal, ne? It's not something I can tell to other people easily," Nuriko said after a moment of thought. "I don't know how to put it into words."
"Could you try?" Hotohori asked, his voice surprisingly gently. Nuriko nodded a little.
"I guess... I can try..."
[All these little protections
how they fail to service me
one forgotten phone call and
I'm deflated
All these little defenses
how they fail to comfort me
your hand pulls away and I'm
devestated]
"I just.. I guess it's a lot of things, you know?" Nuriko began. "I guess the biggest couple of things are, well... umm.. Today's the twelth, isn't it?"
"Hai," Hotohori replied, but he didn't really see how that could bear any hold on Nuriko's mood lately.
"Arigato. Well, there are two big things that are bothering me. The first is that two days ago was my birthday.. I dunno, it's not a big deal. I turned nineteen." Nuriko said. Hotohori felt a pang of guilt. He had been so busy in the past few days, he hadn't remembered...
"Nuriko.." He began, but Nuriko held up a hand to silence him.
"No, it's all right. That's mostly not it at all," The violet-haired seishi flashed a momentary grin that didn't quite reach his eyes, then fell back to solemnity. "The second is that today is the ninth aniversary of the day that... of the day that.. that my sister... died.."
"Nuriko, I'm so sorry.." Hotohori said, and Nuriko nodded, tears forming in his eyes again.
"Don't be," He said, and when he blinked the tears cascaded down his pale face, tracing salty tracks. "I usually don't even think about stuff like this, but I guess I've just been thinking a lot lately, and besides, the last time no one remembered my birthday, was, well.."
"..Well?" Hotohori prompted, and Nuriko shrugged a little, a little whimpering noise escaping as he tried to hold back sobs at the memories.
Sighing, Nuriko launched into the story.
[All these little rejections
how they keep springing for me
I jump my ship as I take it
personally
Oh these little rejections
how they dissappear quickly
the moment I decide not to
let it effect me]
When Nuriko was thirteen, he had left home for the first time. He had become tired of the veiled glares of the villagers, the silent but still substantial disgust of his parents. The accepting, but still cruel, advice of his brother Rokou, who told him to stop dressing as Kourin, she was gone. Nuriko was tired of listening to it, and he knew he had to leave.
On March tenth, he had turned fourteen. No one in the village he was in knew that it was his birthday. No one said, "happy birthday" or even "have a nice day". They knew he was okama, or crossdresser, since he was still near enough Eiyou that they would. He had locked himself in the tiny room in the inn, crying so long and so hard that his eyes had been red and his body ached from stiffness. No one had come to inquire about the loud, painful sobs- no doubt they had deduced what they were from. Nor had anyone thought to ask about why he hadn't eaten all day. It was an empty day, with no one to care, and no one to console him in the pain he felt over that fact. He had been so lonely, it was a blessing when he left that town and it's cruel villagers behind.
Later on, when he went from one town to the next, where the people thought of him as female and not an okama, he made a point of making a few friends at least in every town. Maybe it was his compassionate nature that made him befriend people so much, or perhaps merely the selfish desire to be recognized, a loneliness he wanted to go away.
It had hurt so much when he had awoken that morning, knowing that no one had remembered, because he hadn't told them. That, compounded with the fact that it was the anniversary of Kourin's death, and he became miserable.
No one really seemed to understand that, though. It made him feel so.. insignifigant. When he got to crying about one thing, he would soon begin to think about other things, like himself. He began to think bad things about himself, to believe the things that Miaka and Tamahome (among other people) had thought of him, so long ago, when they had first met. Even before then. The names the villagers called him. The cruel kicks and punches from the other children. His parents' casual disregard for it. For him. He called himself names until he had dug himself into a kind of hole, the darkness swallowing the good things and making him believe only the ill, calling himself ugly and stupid, among other things.
He told all of this to Hotohori. Everything. He wanted it to be known.
For once, he wanted someone to comfort him in his misery, instead of just letting him cry alone in the corner.
[I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind]
"Nuriko, I'm sorry.." Hotohori said finally, when Nuriko had finished speaking. "I shouldn't have pressed you."
"No.. no, I wanted someone to know. I wanted you to know." Nuriko said, the tears having faded from his eyes, and he held himself a little stronger. "Some things.. need to be talked about, ne? I can't take the one incident to my grave. It makes me feel better to talk about it. It's stupid, don't you think? That one thing like that influences me so much?"
"I don't think it's stupid." Hotohori said. "Thank you for telling me."
"Thank you for listening." Nuriko stood and put his arms around the emperor, who froze for a moment and then returned the embrace.
"Nuriko.." Hotohori started to say, but Nuriko smiled up at him for a moment, silencing him with only the look in his eyes. An emotion contained there.. was it.. love?
"Shh," Nuriko whispered, his smile small but sincere, and he tilted his head to look up at Hotohori. "Don't speak."
Hotohori looked down at his fellow Suzaku no seishi, and Nuriko's smile grew a little.
"Don't say a word." Nuriko said as his lips met with Hotohori's, and for a long, silent, perfect moment, neither broke the kiss.
Nuriko knew that there would be no more forgotten birthdays now that he had the other Suzaku no seishi.
He kissed Hotohori again, on a whim, knowing that if Hotohori didn't feel at least something for him, he would have broken the kiss before. Hotohori smiled at him warmly afterwards, and he knew that his feelings were returned.
"There won't be any more rejections for you," Hotohori said. "I'll make sure of it."
Nuriko grinned and kissed Hotohori again, then spoke.
"I know, Hotohori-sama, I know."
*OWARI*