Chapter Four

Phoebe sat on her bed and stared at the baby outfit that lay in front of her. She considered what Piper had told her and lightly touched it. 'She also said I have visions of the past. Maybe if I touch this like I touched the letters, I'll remember.' Phoebe took a deep breath and held the outfit in her hands. She closed her eyes and concentrated. But nothing came.

"You kept it," Cole quietly commented as he materialized in her room.

Startled, Phoebe gasped and dropped the outfit as she opened her eyes. Cole quickly apologized and she shook her head. "My fault. I was trying to remember and didn't hear you come in."

"I didn't knock this time. Remember what?" he questioned without taking his gaze off the blue outfit.

"Piper filled in some facts for me but," she replied, "there's still so much about myself that I don't know, includingthis."

Cole hesitantly reached for the outfit and then held it firmly in his hands. But he couldn't take solace in its softness as visions of the Seer haunted him.

"Cole?" Phoebe reached out to steady his hands that had begun to slightly tremble. "What happened to the baby?"

Cole returned the outfit to her and paced to the other side of the room near the window. The question threw him and he wasn't sure how to answer. Telling her the whole story would only bring her pain but she deserved the truth. Besides, if he didn't tell her and she remembered on her own, it would only further estrange them.

"Cole?" Phoebe softly called after she re-wrapped the outfit. "Please, I need to know. What happened to our baby?"

With his back to her, Cole answered, "I don't know exactly."

"What?" Phoebe gasped in disbelief. "How can you not know?"

"I wasn't there," he said as he clenched his fists. He further tensed when he felt Phoebe's hands upon his back. He turned around and sadly caressed her cheek. "You had already vanquished me so I wasn't there when you confronted the Seer. And, in all the time since I escaped from the Wasteland, you never told me the details."

"But," Phoebe gasped again, "how could I keep something like that from you? Not share that pain with you? Was it because I wasWas I happy about what happened? Did I not want the baby?"

"You were happy about him," Cole replied with a sad smile. "You were scared you got pregnant so soon after we married but you definitely wanted the baby."

"So what went wrong?" Phoebe asked as she led him back to her bed where they sat and faced each other.

"I'm not sure where to begin," Cole confessed. "I suppose Piper has already filled you in on it."

"Piper told me the basics," Phoebe explained, "of my life. And of us. I know you were a demon sent to kill us. I know we fell in love. I know you betrayed the Source but later became the Source. I know I'm supposed to be this good witch but I turned evil. I know I helped them vanquish you. And I know this Seer took my baby who was really the new Source and we vanquished them both. But those are facts and don't mean anything to me right now. I need to knowwhat was it like? How did I feel? Who am I, Cole? Who are you? Who are we?"

"We are magical," he replied with a slight smile as he reached for, and held, her hand.

"I'm serious," Phoebe frowned. "I need to understand these facts I've been told. I need to know the why."

Cole nodded and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "I am serious, Phoebe. We are magical together." He gazed into her eyes as he recalled, "You were supposed to be one more assignment. Not an easy one, mind you. The Charmed Ones had proven to be more resourceful than the Source ever credited them. You had vanquished many demons, many powerful ones. But I was prepared and confident that I would succeed where others had failed."

"So you really were trying to kill us?" Phoebe nervously questioned. "I thought maybe Piper was exaggerating."

"No," Cole shook his head, "she wasn't. I thought you were the weak link among the three and that if I could get you first, Prue and Piper would quickly fall. But you weren't what I expected and you proved me wrong. Turns out, you were the most powerful of the three witches." He smiled, "I discovered that you were full of life and passionate and funny and adventuresome. You act confidently and assertively yet are tender and vulnerable. You're incredibly loyal to the ones you love and it tears you apart to think that something you do might somehow betray them. You take pride in being a witch but are terrified of the evil within you. You open your heart to others but are afraid of ending up alone. And you never, never, give up without a fight."

"You seem to know me so well," Phoebe whispered. "Piper didn't tell me any of this." She gazed back at him. "So what happened? What changed your mind about your assignment?"

"You did," Cole replied with a smile. "I told you, you weren't what I'd expected and something happened inside me after I'd spent time with youI began looking forward to seeing you, being with you. I started to care and that hadn't happened to me before."

"I don't understand," she commented with an uneasy smile.

"Demons don't love Phoebe," he explained. "They lust. But what I felt for you wasn't lust. It took a while but I finally realized that you had awoken my human half. My heart. And that's when everything changed."

"We were happy, though," Phoebe questioned, "weren't we?"

Cole nodded but confessed, "We hit a lot of rough patches. You felt betrayed when you learned the truth so I set out to prove I could change and be good. For you. But my colleagues had other plans for me. Things happened beyond our control and you lost your faith in me so I left. I tried to forget you and my feelings for you but you still came back to save me."

"I must've still loved you in spite of whatever happened," Phoebe commented as she gave his hand an encouraging squeeze.

Again, Cole nodded, "But, betraying my side led to Prue's death and sent me on the run from the Source. I spent time with you as often as I could. I tried to train you and help you prepare for battle with him. Piper and Leo had finally begun to accept me and even Paige had a little. Or at least she tolerated me. But when I became fully human, I had unknowingly opened the door for the Source to take control." Cole looked down at their linked fingers. "I can never make up for what I did as the Source but I can honestly say that I never stopped loving you and everything I did was with you in mind." He looked back up at her and solemnly continued, "All I wanted was to protect you and keep you safe. Keep our family safe. Unfortunately, that plan didn't include your sisters. In the end, I made sure that it would be either them or me. By then, though, you had made your choice. Phoebe, if I had known what the Seer's true plans were, I would never have let it come to that point. I'd have stopped her myself. But she had set it all in motion months earlier and managed to steal our child from us before he was even conceived. You had no choice but to vanquish them."

Phoebe quickly hugged Cole when he stopped speaking. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"Don't," he told her as he pushed her back, "don't apologize for doing what you had to do. I love you, Phoebe, but I also used your love to the Source's advantage. I betrayed your faith and trust and I understand why you're so reluctant to let me into your heart again. I do. That's why I was in your office when all this started."

"What do you mean?" she nervously whispered.

"I was going to tell you," he admitted, "that I won't continue trying to prove to you I've changed. We're only growing further and further apart."

"Am I that angry with you," Phoebe innocently asked, "or that afraid of you?"

Cole chose his words carefully and answered, "You are so afraid of losing yourself to evil or that I will become evil again that you are lashing out in anger. And I understand. Right now it's the only way you can cope with everything that's happened."

"Then why are you giving up?" she asked in confusion. "I still love you, don't I? Maybe I just need some time."

"I don't want to leave," he confessed, "but it's getting more discouraging for me each time I see you. I'm trying so damn hard to change but it doesn't seem to make any difference. And there's only so much I can take. Yes, you still love me and if I thought there was even the slightest chance"

"It seems wrong to me," Phoebe considered after his voice trailed off into silence. "I mean, I don't remember any of this, but it feels wrong. If I love you and you love me, how can I not want to try again? Piper told me I'd had an evil past life. If that's true, how can I be so self-righteous that I can't forgive you for yours? Why can't we find a way past this and somehow meet in the middle? Compromise?"

Cole sadly shook his head. "You can't compromise when it comes to good and evil, Phoebe. You tried when you were queen. You wanted to continue saving innocents but avoid vanquishing the offending demons." He caressed her cheek. "You only had the best intentions. You loved us all. But you jeopardized all our safety. You had to choose a side and stick to it. And you couldn't choose without hurting someone you loved."

"So I hurt you," Phoebe murmured as tears flooded her eyes. "It doesn't seem fair."

"You didn't want to," he assured her as he gently wiped away her tears. "I know if there had been any other way" He didn't complete his thought and, instead, pulled her into his arms.

She buried her face in his chest and whispered, "So what happens now?"

Cole kissed the top of her head. "Now I help you vanquish this demon and then I finally give you the chance to move on in peace."

She shook her head and pulled back, "I'm not sure I like the sound of that. I don't want you to leave."

Cole smiled at her. "That's only because you don't remember. Once your memories return, you'll feel differently."

"I don't remember now and all I feel is my heart breaking," she insisted, "and, once I remember, I know it'll be a thousand times worse."

Before Cole could answer, though, they heard Piper's shout. "Paige is back!"

"We'd better go down," Cole said as he stood up. "I have some information to share."

Phoebe reached for his hand to stop him and stood up next to him, "Wait. We're not finished yet."

"I'm afraid, baby," he quietly confessed as he turned away, "maybe we are."

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