Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or any of the characters. We all know the famous beardy guy owns it all. Huh? No not God you idiot – George Lucas.

If you see any Sith Lords steal this fic (why they'd want to I don't know) and claim it to be theirs, email me and I'll come and give 'em a good whacking with my saber. They'll learn to fear the monkey.

This fic *is* free to read/enjoy/hate but I'm willing to accept donations in the form of money, Hayden Christensen or Ewan McGregor. Hehe…

NB

italics is thinking, writing or light emphasis (you're smart people, you'll figure out which)

CAPS is strong emphasis

// this is bond communication //

* these are flashbacks *

Obi is about 13-14.

Hard to Break, Harder to Fix Crash and Burn

***

These past six months have been the longest of my life. I still don't understand what's happened. He's still the same. Distant. Not noticing. Uncaring.

Obi-Wan paused a second, reflecting on the last words he had written. As much as it was painful to admit, his master, Qui-Gon Jinn, had become a completely different person in the last six months. Obi-Wan had watched him, unable to do anything.

He resumed.

I've just given up. There's nothing that even affects him any more. I can ask him if he wants or needs anything and it'll take him ages to respond – if he responds at all that is. I just wish…

Obi-Wan paused again, eyes stinging with tears.

I just wish he would trust me, tell me what's the matter, tell me what I can do to help.

I don't have a lot of memory of my parents. I never was old enough to understand why my parents cried when I left to join the Jedi. I was too young, I didn't know what it was like to have someone you loved dearly to be taken away from you. I guess I know what it would have been like now. I feel like I've lost a father.

Obi-Wan threw a quick glance into the living room he shared with Qui-Gon. He didn't know why he did it. He knew his Master wouldn't have moved.

He used to be so full of pride for me, praise, love… that's all gone now. Five months ago, just before I closed that training bond, all I could feel was anger, hate, sadness, pain. It scared me. That's why I closed the bond – I didn't want to… to know that my master was in some kind of pain constantly. And with nothing I could do to help. To ease it. To purge it once and for all. I didn't want him to know the pain I was in either. Not that he probably felt the pain I was in. Heck, he hasn't even noticed the bond's gone.

Maybe Qui-Gon got it right. Maybe I am a failure. I mean, why doesn't he ever accept anything I do? Is that why everything I do in his eyes is wrong? Maybe that's why this has all happened. I'm a disappointment to him. I don't blame him for ignoring me then. Why would he want me?

Obi-Wan could write no more. He carelessly chucked the data pad which served as his journal on the desk and curled up on his bed. Now now, you're focusing on the negative, he thought to himself. That's wrong. It was an age old lesson drummed into him ever since he was an initiate, not least by Master Yoda . He smiled fondly at the memory of the ancient little Jedi Master threatening Obi-Wan with a whack on the shins with his hefty stick if he focused on the negative too much. But what else could Obi-Wan do now? There was nothing but the negative to focus on.

***

Isn't it funny how you can wrap yourself up in memory and not notice anything.

Qui-Gon hadn't noticed anything in days. He was engulfed in a tempest of regret, hurt and nightmare.

Nightmare - it's what stalked him in the day, filling his waking hours with anger and guilt. Nightmare - it's what held him in his dreams, causing him to relive the moment, the scene, a million times over before he could wake up and be released from it's torturing grasp. Now and again he closed his eyes, trying to see how things could be different.

It only ever came down to one conclusion.

He only ever saw the picture of clashing lightsabers.

Sure, he'd tried meditating. It didn't work. It was almost as if the force was avoiding him. The force, normally so comforting, welcoming, supportive… had abandoned him, in turn giving it's own private message to Qui-Gon.

There's nothing the force can do to help you.

In some more meditation he'd tried to reply; must I do this on my own?

The force gave no answer.

Maybe it was just his imagination. Even so, Qui-Gon had given up on meditating. It was no solace. He simply chose to wrestle with his thoughts privately. Obviously searching for answers from his conscience is engaging for him: he didn't notice the setting sun staining the sky beautifully with a spectrum of burnt reds, oranges and peaches. He didn't notice Obi-Wan throwing that data pad down, even though it clattered on the desk loud enough to be heard in the next room along. He didn't notice twilight creep on, replacing the reds with blues and purples. He didn't seem to notice a star filled night fly past. He didn't hear muffled sobs coming from the bedroom. He didn't notice the beauty of nature and the living force as a glorious dawn rose, filling the sky with singing birds and an azure sky. He didn't notice his young apprentice steal out of the door either, a large pack slung over his shoulder.

***

Obi-Wan didn't care where he was going. He just had to get away. He wasn't going to hang around were he wasn't wanted. Running away from the Jedi Temple wasn't exactly the smartest thing he'd ever done. On reflection, Obi-Wan thought that he probably should have thought it through a bit more. And after all, Coruscant wasn't the safest of places for a young teenager to be wandering – Jedi or no Jedi.

He shrugged the thought off carelessly. Not stopping to look at his surroundings or try to gauge roughly where he was, he ran blindly on. Something he was going to regret – especially as a speeder came hurtling into him at high speed, not showing any signs of slowing.

***

A/N

Well, that's the end of chapter 1. Sorry it's not that great, and not very exciting – I admit I'm not that great a storywriter. But hey, I just felt like writing something instead of just reading all of your stories. Please review, I'd love to see what you think – good or bad :)