Give and Take
***
Qui-Gon gazed round for a last time, trying to sense Obi-Wan's signature in the force. Sighing heavily, he began to return to the Jedi Temple. Having no bond didn't make the impossible task of finding a boy in a busy Coruscant any easier. He'd already tried to gently push his way through Obi-Wan's barriers but thought that he'd only make matters worse. And anyway - forcing through with the kind of pressure needed to break through Obi-Wan's shields could severely trauma Obi-Wan's mind. He wasn't willing to take the risk.
In the hours he'd searched, he'd calmed down and let his care and worry for Obi-Wan dominate everything. All he wanted now was Obi-Wan back safely at the temple, and everything to be bright, happy and hunky-dory. That wasn't going to happen, and Qui-Gon knew it. If he did find Obi-Wan, then he obviously wasn't going to count his negligent Master as one of his favourite people, despite how much Qui-Gon knew Obi-Wan loved him. That's what Qui-Gon hated the most about himself at the moment. The fact that he had totally ignored the people dearest to him, especially his own Padawan, and hurt them so much that they now didn't like him in return. Proof being that Obi-Wan was so upset he felt compelled to run away. But it wasn't Obi's fault, he wasn't there, he knows nothing…
Qui-Gon scolded himself. He was wallowing in self-pity again. No time for that, have to find Obi. He entered the temple's gardens and automatically smiled, despite his anxiety and grief. Nobody could help but smile here. The temple's gardens were possibly the most beautiful place in the galaxy. They were a haven of peace and serenity and flowed with the force so strongly. The ideal place to meditate. He also smiled at the figure he saw levitating by the large tree that stood next to a small pool at the back of the gardens, in the corner.
"Hello Master." Qui-Gon bowed his head in respect.
"Welcome Master Qui-Gon." Yoda nodded at his former apprentice. "Seek answers do you? Come to the right place then, you have." The Master looked inquiringly at Qui-Gon, silently asking for an explanation of why he was uneasy. Qui-Gon, no matter how many times Yoda did it, still failed to believe that Yoda had seemed to read his mind.
"My Padawan has gone missing, I'm afraid to say." Qui-Gon tried hard not to grimace.
"Hmm." The look on Yoda's face told Qui-Gon that the Master sensed that there was more to this situation than Qui-Gon was saying, or at least, willing to say. "A reason there must be for such a strange disappearance." He lowered him self to the ground, indicating that Qui-Gon should sit too.
"Well, after Tatooine, I… haven't been myself." He struggled to find words to explain but he knew that the Master would know what he meant. After all, he knew what had happened on Tatooine. Yoda, Qui-Gon and Mace Windu were the only ones who knew. "I neglected Obi-Wan." Feeling his Master's disapproval he quickly blurted out the rest in an uncharacteristic emotional outburst. "I didn't mean to… it's just that… I couldn't stop thinking about, remembering… I didn't want Obi to become like… so I just went hard on him… totally unnecessary I know… so sorry for it now… Obi obviously felt that he had done wrong… he ran off… must be because he thought that… that I didn't…" Qui-Gon choked out the last words so they were barely a whisper, "love him." He stopped, so distressed that his train of thought was jumbled to the extent that he couldn't even finish a sentence properly.
Yoda nodded, a look of sadness but understanding in his eyes. "And so, run young Obi-Wan has. Feel unwanted he does." Qui-Gon could only reply with a despondent nod. Suddenly annoyed, Yoda stood and thumped his stick on the ground. "Said this before I have! Your fault Xanatos' turning was not. Prevent it you could not. A good teacher you are. A good teacher you must be. Feel sorry for yourself you must not or a good teacher you will never be."
Yoda's words filled Qui-Gon with a new strength, as they were obviously intended to do. Qui-Gon suspected that Yoda had slyly placed a force suggestion underneath those words. Grateful all the same, he looked at the little Jedi.
"But how can I find him? He's closed the bond with strong shields that I can't break through without seriously hurting him."
"Meditate you must."
Qui-Gon sighed and looked at the pool. It's swirling waters were so tranquil that he prompted himself to return to his typical calm and placid being. He plunged into a deep meditative trance and slipped gently into the force, searching for Obi-Wan's signature. Eventually he found it. Given new hope, he tried to send a message through the bond and found that Obi-Wan's shields had weakened.
***
Obi-Wan stepped out of the 'fresher and sat on the bed. It had only taken one mind trick to get himself a decent room for the night. Still sore, he gently crossed his legs and began to meditate.
// Padawan? //
Obi-Wan almost fell off the bed in the surprise of hearing his Master's voice. He reckoned he hadn't heard him since this all started about six months ago.
// How did you get through… // Qui-Gon felt the anger and surprise from his Padawan and smiled gently, mostly through relief that Obi-Wan was well, and actually speaking to him.
// Maybe the accident you had weakened the shields? I have no idea. // Obi-Wan thought he felt a slight sense of sarcasm and grew more angry.
// How did you know I had an accident? //
// I felt the pain you were in my Padawan. What happened? I was concerned. //
Obi-Wan could hardly believe what he was hearing.
// There was just a mishap with this speeder that's all.// If Obi-Wan had been talking to Qui-Gon face to face, that last comment would have been a mumble. //But like you were concerned anyway. You don't care what happens to me. //
Qui-Gon jolted. He sent soothing thoughts through the bond.
// That's not true Padawan… //
// Then what's been going on this past half year? If it wasn't me then what was it? // Obi-Wan seemed calmer now, but there was still an edge of anger in his thoughts.
Qui-Gon remained silent, pondering on whether to tell Obi-Wan the truth, and what had happened.
// Well? // It was evident Obi-Wan was growing more impatient.
// Something happened. It shook me badly. It reminded me - //
// Of what? // Obi-Wan interrupted.
Qui-Gon winced.
// Xanatos. //
Obi-Wan remained still for a few seconds, allowing what he had just heard to sink in. He filled with disgust, anger and despair he couldn't control.
// What?! Xanatos?! I thought you'd recovered from what happened to him. Ha, I was stupid to think that. I know he turned to the dark side but did you really still think I was going to?! I'd never betray you like that. What's the matter? Couldn't you cope with losing your star pupil? And is his replacement not good enough? Is that what it is Master? Am I not good enough? I never was, was I? I could never do anything good enough for you. I could never compare to the great Xanatos. Never. But why now? Why just so recently? And why not tell me upfront? Why didn't you just tell me you didn't want me? That I was worthless. Why? It would have hurt less to hear you just say it instead of you just blanking me all the time. I loved you like a father Master and I'm so sorry that you never loved me. I'm sorry for you as well, you can only ever love Xanatos. I know you loved him like a son. I know you supposedly stopped doing that when he joined the Sith. Ha, now I know you didn't. How could I be so stupid to think that you could ever love me like you did him? I pity you. I shouldn't do really, but I'm not like you. I don't just stop loving people. Goodbye Master. Hopefully for you we'll never meet again. //
Qui-Gon kept still. Now he really had been ripped apart. Obi-Wan had got it all wrong, he had totally misunderstood in the biggest way possible what had gone on, and what Qui-Gon almost had the guts to tell him. Obi-Wan had poured out his heart, but Qui-Gon didn't want to hear. He didn't want to admit he had just heard what he did.
He put his head in his hands and wept.
What have I done?
***
Obi-Wan was fuming. Shaking with rage, he couldn't believe that he had just been rejected by somebody who may as well be his own father. He broke down and cried. Sobs racked his body for hours before he finally cried himself to sleep.
***
Yoda sat watching Master Jinn still. Judging from the emotions crashing around the Jedi's body, he thought he could probably make a good guess at what had happened. But still he approached the distraught Qui-Gon.
"What happened, my former apprentice?" Qui-Gon looked up and took a deep breath.
"I tried to explain. He asked what I had been distracted by and I simply said Xanatos. Before I could explain, he went into a rage about how…" Qui-Gon didn't need to finish.
"Hmm. To be expected this was." Yoda nodded his head gravely.
Qui-Gon knew Yoda still expected him to find the boy but he felt he could do nothing tonight. Yoda escorted Qui-Gon to his room, wearing a worried look on his face. Sighing, the ancient Master went off to meditate.
***
Even my own Master doesn't want me. Nobody wants me. I'm useless.
That thought had become a mantra for Obi-Wan in the last hour. He had sat there contemplating what to do. It had always came back to the mantra though.
Even my own Master doesn't want me. Nobody wants me. I'm useless.
Eyes wide, he stared at the lightsaber on the table.
There's no point. No point anymore.
Anybody looking at Obi-Wan right now would think he was mad. He certainly looked it. Rocking backwards and forwards a little, he clenched his fists. People with experience might realise that he was deeply traumatised and needed comforting. But Obi-Wan had no comfort right now. He just had one way out, and it wasn't a way you could undo and change your mind afterwards.
He was still staring at the lightsaber. Like a ghost he stood and glided over to the desk. Picking up the lightsaber, he moved to the centre of the room. Motionless he repeated the mantra in his mind again.
Even my own Master doesn't want me. Nobody wants me. I'm useless.
Grasping the saber in his hand tightly, he ignited it. He heard that familiar hum of harnessed energy. The saber cast an ethereal blue glow about the room, causing shadows to flicker and dance before settling back into place and the hairs on his neck to bristle. He swung it around for a while. Secretly he loved doing that - when Obi-Wan was little he believed that it was hypnotic. Carefully bringing his arm up, he placed the beautiful yet lethal blade precisely so that the only obstacle in the way of it's swing was his neck. Another tear rolling down his tear stained cheeks, he paused, gathering courage for what he was about to do. Inhaling, he tensed every muscle in his body. Ignoring the force's agitation around him he repeated the mantra one last time.
Even my own Master doesn't want me. Nobody wants me. I'm useless.
Closing his eyes, he swung.
***
A/N
Ooooh I'm sooo horrible! One word, review! ^-^
I know some of you won't approve of me making Obi suicidal, and to be honest, neither do I in a way. I thought the concept would be, um, different to say the least. Original. And anyway, lets be realistic, he's a teenager in this story and so he views things in a way, for some people sometimes, would be totally inexplicable *grin* so things like this could affect you really badly. He loves Qui with all his heart remember. I mean, imagine yourself in his situation. Oh yeah, you don't know the situation yet *hits herself - musn't give away plot!* But think of the angst it can provide! Just thought I'd better explain myself before I get a barrage of emails complaining saying 'no! obi can't die!' hehe *-*