I have two long speeches today, one for Neniae and one for all of you. (Well, a long review deserves a long reply ;)
Neniae: Don't worry, Obi's life isn't going to be threatened any more in this fic. The guilt's caught up on me. You like the bucketloads of angst? Good good. You've been inspired by lil' ole me? Wow, thanks! I'm glad you like the detail in the characters. Yes, I'm continuing and you're definitely going to see more fics from me, mostly Qui/Obi: the pre TPM years. I should start a series *grin* Fire you say? I was actually going to burn down the motel Obi got beaten up in and have him seriously burned instead of beaten up, but the beating up idea seemed a bit more realistic I suppose. Also, I was going to have Qui kidnapped by somebody seeking revenge (you'd get an idea of who from this chapter) and have Obi torn between helping him or abandoning him. 'Twas an interesting idea, but not one I wanted to persue. More depressing stuff? No, I think I've done enough to him. To both of them actually, as you'll soon find out. But I think the issue now is forgiveness no? Thanks for the review, 'preciate much ^-^
Everyone: Okays, this whole chapter is just Qui rambling, so ignore the lack of speech marks. A Qui POV, if you like. Hopefully this'll make Qui's suffering in chapters 1 + 2 a little clearer, and soften up those of you who think Qui was totally out of order. Oh, and it'll explain those weird flashbacks in chapter 2. By the way, this chapter treads the very fine line between R and PG13. Just warning.
Note to self: I *will* learn how to spell Tat(t)ooine after I've done this fic. Ah who cares.
Hard to Break, Harder to Fix
Tatooine
Do you remember that mission I had on Tatooine about half a year ago? Well, it seemed pretty straightforward. I simply had to investigate some mysterious disappearances. I know people go missing on Tatooine all the time but the council sensed something odd about these ones. I thought it was just run of the mill, and it would be over quickly.
Remember how at the last minute I told you that you couldn't come along? I know how disappointed you were then. I could feel it, and it hurt me so much to leave you behind. But it wasn't my fault. The night before we were due to leave Master Yoda came to see me. He said he had sensed great danger in this mission, but he couldn't see what. He warned me to be on my guard, and absolutely forbade me to take you. I didn't believe him at first. Sure, Tatooine was dangerous but nothing two Jedi couldn't handle. Believe me Obi, I tried. I tried so hard to bring you with me. I was literally begging him to let you come. He wouldn't give in. Stubborn troll.
Anyway, when I got there I dug into it and discovered that most of the people who had gone were force sensitive and mainly were all children. Naturally, I got suspicious. It was probably no coincidence that all the victims were young force sensitives. I tried to find out where this kidnapper was based, and where he was hiding all these children. Eventually after about a week I tracked it down to a small hideout in the middle of one of the deserts. It had originally been used by the sand people, but was obsolete until now. I went inside.
You... you couldn't possibly understand the... atmosphere that hit you as you walked inside that building. Its... it was... overwhelming. The force, it was screaming at me. This place was... evil. As I walked around I thought it was almost going to tear me apart. It was so hard, so hard to stay focused with the force churning around me like it was. It unnerved me. I was scared Obi.
There were rooms, loads and loads of rooms. There was no way I could check them all. I tried using the force but it was too turbulent. I kept walking. I came to the outside of one of the rooms and there was a massive surge of life energy. So much, I could hardly think. I went in and saw these children. All so young. So, so young. Mostly toddlers but some were even babies. Some didn't even look a year old. They were all asleep. I couldn't understand it. They were all force sensitive, how could they not hear the noise. The awful noise. The youngest initiate in the Temple would have sensed at least something in there. I looked around some more. The kids seemed to be in the care of some droids, but the droids ignored me. There was a cabinet on one of the walls. In it was medicine. I took a closer look. All force supressant sedatives. I assumed these kids were being... stored. Stored for what I didn't even want to think. I couldn't cope in there any more. I left.
I found myself back on what seemed to be the main corridor. I walked some more, what else could I do? I couldn't get all those kids out on my own. I still had to find the kidnapper. So I kept walking. Some parts of this corridor were so dimly lit you could hardly see. It seemed neverending.
The force didn't get any calmer. As I passed another room, there was a piercing shriek of horror from the force. It sounded like, like a cry for... I don't know. I flung open the door. There were more droids. And a kid. A poor kid. They were torturing him Obi. Torturing an innocent toddler who couldn't... couldn't...
The droids turned to me. They tried to get me. I just slashed them with my saber. I didn't even want to look at the torture weapons they were wielding. The kid, he was still breathing. I picked him up. He was so frail, ever so frail. Oozed talent in the force. From what I could guess, he must have purged that sedative without knowing or something. I don't know. It didn't matter. He was only trying to save himself. And he'd suffered for it. The poor kid. Judging by his appearance, he'd been starved. He was barely recognisable as human. He still lived though, still hung on. His breathing, it was... was... painful. He looked up at me. His eyes, they were... deep... so penetrating... like pools of midnight. They looked at me for a few seconds then shut. He'd died... gone in my arms.
There was more, but there's no way... just not any words to describe it. I couldn't take much more of this. The trauma was too much. Way too much. Something was playing around in my mind. Another presence... I could feel it.
The restless force seemed to culminate around a stone archway down a narrow corridor leading off the main one. Like a vortex, an eddy. I walked under the arch to find myself in a large hall of some kind. The head of this whole scheme was standing right in the middle of it.
Xanatos.
You said to me Obi, the other day, that I loved Xanatos like a son. You were right, I did. That's why it hurt so much to see him turn. Somebody you've given your love and protection to for years just betrays you and everything you taught them. It leaves a pit, a big pit inside you and you blame yourself. It consumes you until somebody makes you see that it wasn't your fault. Three people did that for me. Yoda, Mace and you. Mostly the arrival of you Obi. Taking you as a Padawan was the best thing I've ever done in my life. It made me realise just how stupid I was being, blaming myself for everything.
It's hard getting out of a void like that though. You're left a different person, a better person, but you still bear the scars. Seeing Xanatos there ripped those scars open again. Things were happening so quickly I... I... just felt so confused. All this emotion flying at you relentlessly, bad memories, stray thoughts. It was hard. Heck it was hard Obi and I hope to Force that you will never ever have to experience anything like it.
He grinned at me. An evil, twisted grin. Told me he was expecting me. Told me that he was looking forward to seeing his old Master again. He told me how he had a new Master now, but was ready for his own apprentice now. That's what the children were for. He was testing them to see which one would be the strongest Sith lord in the future.
It sickened me. He was trying to... to...
The anger I felt, it was huge. It took so much control not to fly at him now and end this nightmare once and for all. But no, I wasn't going to be like him. I wasn't going to let go of the beliefs I'd been taught all my life. The control though, it wavered every time I thought of those poor kids being moulded into something unspeakably evil.
He said he wasn't going to choke me, zap me with dark force lightning or anything like that. No. He said he wanted to duel me. One on one. I had to agree, at least then I possibly wouldn't die and maybe I could find a way to escape and free those poor children. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave you alone Obi.
So he pulled out his saber. A red one now, of course. It appalled me to think that I was the one who taught him how to spar with a lightsaber and now he was using it all against me.
He was teasing me. I could see it in his eyes. He could've ended that fight, there and then. He didn't. It went on and on. I was getting so tired, so so tired... and he knew it. He kept giving me these... giving me... cruel smiles and taunting me with phrases like 'Can't remember how to fight, Master?'. I tried, I tried my very best to ignore him. He was in my head. He was the presence in my mind earlier. He was using the dark side to manipulate my thoughts, tear me in two, anything... anything to hurt me.
He kept taunting. 'Love me too much to kill me?' That really, really hurt. The idea of loving such a... a... twisted... a...
Whilst he was teasing me I swung my saber... the saber the other way. He wasn't anticipating it. It killed him.
I killed him.
I could only stand there. I stared but I couldn't see. Force knows how long I just...
The blame, it came back. I kept saying to myself that if Xanatos hadn't turned then this wouldn't have happened. Nobody would have died. Not Xanatos, not the little boy earlier, not...
If I'd done this to Xanatos, I was... so afraid, so incredibly afraid you were gonna do the same thing. I thought I was a bad Master.
You're light Obi. So purely and innocently light. Now I'd thought I'd tainted you, helped you to go the way of Xanatos. I couldn't live with myself. I thought that maybe if I gave you up now, so you could get a new Master, everything would be ok, you wouldn't turn, it wouldn't be too late. But I still couldn't live a life without you in it. It was... just... was confusing.
Yoda said that whatever Xanatos had done to my mind was causing all the mental fights inside me about what to do. He and Mace convinced me again that I was a good Master, and that I had done no wrong. I told myself that I wasn't gonna abandon you ever.
The nightmare though... it kept coming. Visions, flashbacks. Filled my head so much I couldn't think straight. As a result I ended up doing the one thing I'd set out not to do. Neglect you. Abandon you. Leave you alone.
I wanted to tell you, force I wanted to tell you Obi but I couldn't bring myself to. This nightmare convinced me that you wouldn't understand. It told me that you'd leave me for another Master. Everything was against me Obi. But that's no excuse.
Obi, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry Obi for everything I put you through. I can't even begin to think of what you thought of... of... me... and yourself...
I'll never stop loving you Obi. Never. You're the son I never had. More than that. I care so much about you Obi. Just remember that. No matter what. Never.
I'll understand if you never want to see me again.
I'll understand.
Just never forget Obi.
Never forget how much I love you.
Never.
***
A/N
It's not like Qui to say all this, and talk in such a way, but I was trying to show you how upset and vulnerable he was by his speech alone. No description, no italics, no nothing. I hope I succeeded. You wanna criticise, go right ahead.
I apologise to you all. Heavy chapter. Some of that wasn't very nice, and I've left both you and myself thoroughly depressed now.
Maybe now we all know how Qui felt.