To the minority of readers sending me horrible emails saying how the previous chapter was rubbish (to use a lighter word) and nothing like Qui, I simply ask you to read Obi's musings below, especially paragraph 3. Well, it's my philosophy really, but I put it into the mind of Obi. I put my own philosophy into everything I write, I should really stop doing that O.o And anyway, I liked the way Qui fell deeper and deeper into a pit of emotion as the chapter progressed.
Obi, drunk, fun? *nods enthusiastically* Yes, here's somebody else who understands! *grins wickedly at Quistis Trepe*
***
There is no reason to feel bad.
But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad.
It's just a bunch of feelings that we have
To hold, but I am here to help you with the load.
-Travis, Flowers in the Window
Hard to Break, Harder to Fix
Exoneration
Qui-Gon's voice faltered into nothing, he couldn't say any more. He hadn't looked at Obi-Wan once during his story, it was the only way he could keep going. Even now he didn't look at the teenager beside him to whom he was devoted.
Obi-Wan hadn't looked up either. It had taken every ounce of all the Jedi control he possessed to fix his eyes downwards, but no amount of control stopped the tears trickling down his bruised cheeks. As Qui-Gon's tale had unfolded, every phrase had battered him into a deeper state of shock. Every shred of pain Qui-Gon had weaved involuntarily into his words Obi-Wan felt. The whole story had viciously kicked all the breath, thought and speech out of him, leaving him totally empty. The overwhelming sense of bewilderment that had struck him still lingered as Obi-Wan tried to think about everything he'd just heard. Different feelings held siege to him on all fronts. A revived sense of bitterness for the evil that was Xanatos, revulsion at the whole scheme to train toddlers as Sith, enormous pity for...
Obi-Wan glanced briefly up to see his Master, head in hands. He could sense the pain, hurt, distress, worry and countless other emotions raging around Qui-Gon's body. Obi-Wan shivered. He'd never seen his Master like this before, and thought he probably never would again. He didn't want to again. He never wanted his Master to experience that scale of psychological injury ever again. It scared him. All his life he had viewed Qui-Gon as invincible, totally immune to anything that may hurt. That image was now shattered and Obi-Wan was flung into reality, into the realisation that Jedi can hide feeling, but can't stop feeling. The whole situation reminded him that being Jedi didn't mean that you were seperate from everyone else because you were too surperiorly powerful to feel simple things such as anger. Being Jedi just means that you can cloak yourself in a shroud of protection, stopping these emotions from being visible. Simply being Jedi doesn't stop those emotions coming into existence, or make them go away. Underneath it all, you are still human, Twi'lek, Corellian or whatever else, still a living breathing individual with a soul that was created to feel, even if you hide it or try to deny it. The composed Jedi exterior is just a coat of paint over the real you, a mask created in your own design, preventing anybody from seeing that you really are an actual person. Obi-Wan bowed his head again, not finding any words capable of expressing what he felt, nor finding any appropriate words to say to the man next to him.
Qui-Gon wiped another tear from his eyes and looked at Obi-Wan. Immediately he felt a pang of guilt at himself for letting Obi-Wan get into such a state. How he longed for none of this to have happened. How he wished he'd forseen all this. It wasn't all his fault; how can you see when you are blinded by fear? Deciding that Obi-Wan needed time to think, he gathered up his robes and swept towards the door, not having the courage to stay any longer.
Obi-Wan snapped his head up in panic as he felt Qui-Gon leave. No, this isn't what he wanted. Only the other day he was desperate for an excuse to forgive his Master and return to normal. Now he had an explanation, and understood everything that had happened over the past six months, not holding any blame against Qui-Gon. So why was he letting him leave? Growling inwardly at himself, he removed every shield closing the bond he shared with Qui-Gon and let everything he felt flow.
Qui-Gon deftly tapped in the sequence to open the ward's doors. He stopped mid-sequence as he felt that presence he yearned for in his mind again. He filled with joy, drinking in the very essence of Obi-Wan. He had thought he would never feel the pure force signature of his Padawan in his mind again. Now it was here, he wanted to scream with happiness. He felt like all the demons had been exorcised from his mind, leaving him free again. He spun round.
Obi-Wan looked earnestly at Qui-Gon, silently begging him not to leave him alone. Their eyes met and Qui-Gon slowly edged back to Obi-Wan's bedside. He didn't need begging. Obi-Wan felt Qui-Gon timidly touch the bond and sent waves of reassurance.
// Master, don't abandon me. //
// I would never leave you Obi-Wan. //
// You almost did six months ago. //
Obi-Wan cringed. He shouldn't have said that. Qui-Gon cast his eyes down in shame and regret.
// I know. But that's only because I forgot what I had in having you. //
Obi-Wan fidgeted awkwardly and rubbed one of his eyes, never taking his gaze off Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon was taken back, that simple action made Obi-Wan look like so child like and innocent. Sometimes Obi-Wan was so mature Qui-Gon forgot that he was only a teenager.
// Promise me you'll never leave me Master. //
Qui-Gon smiled gently and tenderly tucked Obi-Wan's braid behind his ear. That being enough answer for Obi-Wan, he gently took Qui-Gon's hand and clasped it in between his own.
// Why didn't you tell me Master? //
// I told you why not. I thought that... //
// I would have understood. //
// I know, I just... //
Obi-Wan shook his head, telling Qui-Gon to say no more. He didn't care what had happened, how foolish his Master had been or what he himself had done because of all this. He was back with Qui-Gon now. He stared insistently at him.
// None of this happened ok? We'll forget it and everything will be ok again. //
Qui-Gon shook his head.
// No, that's denial. It did happen, and we're stronger because of it. //
Obi-Wan's heart was touched, provoking more tears. Every single sliver of hatred, mistrust in and malice had long evaporated and the Obi-Wan who loved and admired his Master was back in control of the teenager thought of so fondly by the whole Temple.
Qui-Gon was still trying to hold back tears from simply seeing his beloved Padawan in such a state. Every visible body part was marred with cuts and bruises, some looking nastier than others. I should have been there, been there to protect him. Obi-Wan caught the stray thought.
"It was nobody's fault, especially not yours," said Obi-Wan as comfortingly as he possibly could. Obi-Wan was lying though. If anyone, he blamed Xanatos. He didn't make his feelings known though, fearing how Qui-Gon would react. Qui-Gon felt the thought through the bond despite the shields and silence. He ignored it. He had decided; Xanatos was out of his life now, so he should be out of his thoughts to prevent him from affecting his happiness any longer. Qui-Gon smiled at the attempt to make him feel better, but nothing would stop him feeling responsible for this, and feeling guilty for everything that had happened to harm his poor Padawan.
"I swear Obi-Wan, I'll always be there from now on."
Obi-Wan painted his famous winning smile on his mask of tears. He fell into Qui-Gon's arms and buried his face in his Master's robes. Qui-Gon sighed happily.
"Nobody could ever let you go my little Obi," he whispered.
Obi-Wan gradually lifted himself away from Qui-Gon, crying again and bowing his head.
"I'm sorry Master."
Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow and lifted Obi-Wan's head gently with his finger.
"You have nothing to be sorry for my Padawan."
"I know how worried I was about losing you so you must have been so scared of losing me when I tried to..." Obi-Wan's voice trailed off.
* Never underestimate for a second how much I'd have missed you if you'd gone through with that. *
The memory of that conversation in Pexin's Motel creeped into his mind as he lost his ability to speak. The same line that had destroyed sleep later that same night was back, shadowing over his thoughts again.
"Hush, it's all forgotten," said Qui-Gon soothingly, wiping away fresh tears from Obi-Wan's cheeks with his thumb. Obi-Wan smiled again and let himself get drawn into another loving hug. Qui-Gon squeezed him tightly.
"Just never scare me like that again Padawan."
"Or you me Master," said Obi-Wan from the depths of Qui-Gon's robes, accompanied by a small grin. Obi-Wan enveloped himself in bliss and relief until he remembered the stomach injury he had.
"Ow, Master," moaned Obi-Wan in a voice all too familiar to Qui-Gon, "go easy on me." Obi-Wan pulled away, clutching his stomach with an exaggerated look of agony on his face. Qui-Gon's face deliberately turned expressionless.
"Ah yes, sorry Padawan. I do believe one of the healers told me about all your injuries." Obi-Wan didn't miss the underlying sarcasm in Qui-Gon's voice. Yes, this was the Qui-Gon he knew and loved back again. Obi-Wan scrunched his face up, feigning extra pain.
"Please don't talk too much, my head hurts."
Qui-Gon half managed to suppress his grin.
"That, my very young apprentice, would be your hangover. The healers told me all about that too," said Qui-Gon in a voice unmistakably laced with amusement.
Obi-Wan groaned and flopped onto his bed. He covered his head with his pillow, hoping it would stop the bantha in his head from smashing his brain into pulp. Qui-Gon heard an incoherent mumble which sounded roughly like 'pleaph skop thalking' and chuckled. He could make himself heard to Obi-Wan in more ways than one.
// I did tell you never to drink anything blue… //
***
Yoda waited patiently at the door of Qui-Gon's quarters. He had already been to the healers, who had said they had ushered Qui-Gon out after he'd administered a force induced sleep to Obi-Wan after all the other healers had failed to even make Obi-Wan drowsy. Yoda smiled. He had heard about how difficult it was to get Padawan Kenobi to sleep. He was jolted out of thought as Qui-Gon appeared at the door, looking mildly surprised.
"Master Yoda, do come in."
Yoda obliged and hobbled his way to a chair. Qui-Gon didn't need telling that the meddling little troll had come to see if Qui-Gon had told everything to Obi-Wan, and how Obi-Wan had taken it. Qui-Gon sighed. He didn't think he deserved Obi-Wan's kindness and quick forgiveness, even though he craved and welcomed it so much.
"He forgave me quicker than you get sand in your robes on Tatooine. I don't deserve him really."
"True, deserve him you most certainly do not," said Yoda with an impish look on his face. Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow inquiringly.
"Is there any Master that does deserve Obi-Wan?"
Yoda twitched his ears in thought before replying, "No, none."
"Not even yourself?"
Yoda shook his head without hesitation. Qui-Gon pondered.
"Then are there any who know enough of the force to teach him enough?"
"Yes," answered Yoda leisurely, pausing before adding the answer to the question Qui-Gon was really asking, "and know enough you do."
Qui-Gon looked relieved despite his best efforts. They sat in silence until a frown creased his forehead as an alarming thought struck Qui-Gon.
"You say Obi-Wan will face much in the future. Are there any, then, who can support him enough for that?"
"Yes, but only one person there is for that."
"Who?"
Yoda's eyes gleamed with contemplation, considering whether Qui-Gon was truly ignorant or just wanted confirmation of what he already knew deep down.
"You."
***
A week afterwards, a very sore (but equally very happy) Obi-Wan hobbled into the rooms he shared with his Master. Leaning on Qui-Gon for support he slowly made his way to his bed.
"Welcome home," said Qui-Gon, smiling broadly. Obi-Wan returned the smile.
"It's good to be back."
"Need anything Obi-Wan?"
"Apart from a new body, no thank you Master."
Qui-Gon threw an unconvincing look of disapproval at his Padawan before grinning and leaving Obi-Wan to himself. Not before doing a quick force check on Obi-Wan first though, just to calm his anxiety. Obi-Wan and himself were still engaged in discussions on whether to let Obi-Wan out of his sight again. He smiled, he knew he was fighting a losing battle.
Obi-Wan glanced around the room. Nothing had been moved. Opening the blinds, he noticed a datapad on his desk. It was his diary, the datapad he'd threw down just before walking out about a fortnight ago. Obi-Wan scanned the words he'd written. It seemed like aeons since depression had caused such painful words to flow freely. Slumping back on his bed he began to write.
In just two weeks the whole of the last six months made perfect sense. I understand everything now.
I really don't know what to write because so much has happened and I've found out so much. Some of the things I've done, or rather, tried to do I'd feel sick writing down. Some of the things my Master told me are too atrocious to be immortalised in text. So I'm not going to write anything. There's no way I could forget anything of the past two weeks anyway.
These two weeks have made me wonder whether Jedi really are the cool, calm and collected peacekeepers they're meant to be. Everything inside me shouts no, and there's a nasty voice that keeps telling me that if it wasn't for the Jedi being fanatical about not showing emotion, then maybe some of this wouldn't have happened. Then I remind myself that if the Jedi weren't Jedi, I wouldn't have met Qui-Gon.
At least I've learnt something about myself and the world. Also, at least, I know how much my Master cares for me now. That makes me feel so happy I can almost get dizzy thinking about it. Ah yes, about dizziness, I must remember never ever to buy a drink in a Coruscant bar, especially when the drink comes in shot glasses and is electric blue, no matter how miserable I feel.
Still, now that important lessons have been learnt for all of us, the past can be allowed to be lost in the remote reaches of our memories. What matters now is the present, and future I suppose, and the fact that I'm sharing it with the one I love and care about most in the galaxy.
***
A/N
And thus the story ends as it began; with a teenager and his diary.
Hope you enjoyed that! (even if I'm not the greatest mush writer of all time, and even if you hate mush) Now I want you all to go and give me some of that well-rounded criticism (or whatever FF.net call reviews) and tell me which chapter you liked best and why please. It'll help greatly. Personally, I liked Revelation. Although Crash and Burn was a good opener, and Tatooine was satisfying to write. Aw heck, I liked 'em all. Go on, tell me what you think, go review! Yeah, even if you've reviewed before. Shoo! And if you've read this far and not even reviewed once, shame on you! Go redeem yourselves now.
I should have said at the beginning, if you want to archive this story or anything just ask. I'll probably say yes, it's just that I want the bragging rights.
*hugs* Thank you all so much for faithfully sticking with me, and for everything you've said ^-^ Please email me if you have any ideas for a nice happy romance plot for Obi which you would like to see written jedi monkey style, I'm stuck for plot ideas. Just no Obidala, please, it's been done way too many times. I promise I'll keep the angst levels low! And if none of you send in ideas, then it's a Romeo and Juliet parody next (oh, the possibilities *grin*) and then the proper romance. Give me enough romance material and the romance comes first, then the parody. Anyways, thank you all again, and hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed torturing Obi and Qui *ahem* enjoyed writing this.
Have fun guys, that's what its all about,
jedi monkey
-x-