Regardless of Fate
By Ryuuen
Warnings: Suicide, sap, drama, shounen-ai, spoilers.
Disclaimer: Definition of disclaimer: If I need one, then I don't own Fushigi Yuugi.
A/N: Bit of weirdness somehow brought on by reading Skipsida's "Who I Am: Acceptance" and musing on the recent reading of Rose Thorne's "Suicide" (a Yu Yu Hakusho fic). Many things are wrong with poor Nuri-chan in this one, so BEWARE. There. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Translation Note: "onegai shimasu" means "I beg you". "Shinjiru watashi" means "Believe me". "Wakarimasen" means "I don't know". "Ochitsuku" means "calm down".
NOTE: This is reincarnation, but they know that they were seishi and all.. go figure.
REGARDLESS OF FATE
I
It wasn't like everything hadn't gone downhill. It wasn't like he didn't feel like everyone he cared about had deserted him. It wasn't like he hadn't known that it would come down to this situation sooner or later. It always did. Now was just a case of 'sooner' rather than 'later'.
Well, he thought, at least no one is home.
The slim, sharp knife dangled loosely from his right hand, it's edge gleaming in the flickering electric light of the apartment's small kitchen. His rose-violet eyes watched it, as though expecting the inanimate object to perform some kind of miracle. It did nothing, just stayed still in his loose grip, pale fingers twined around the black handle, the cutting edge facing him. It was an almost-normal kind of comfort, silent and deadly and reassuring.
It will be over soon, was the promise it whispered to him. It will all be over soon. You don't have to suffer any longer. Now you can be free.
I want to be free, he told himself sternly, silently. I don't want to suffer anymore. I just want it all to end..
He was accustomed to this. As accustomed to holding the knife like this, thinking these thoughts while he was alone, as he was cutting himself when the others weren't home. He bore the white scars on his already-pale skin, but it was nearly winter. No one noticed, since he wore long sleeved shirts. No one even suspected. He figured maybe it should have given him a little thrill, but it didn't. It made him miserable.
But he had never really cut his wrists before today.
It was a strange sensation. There wasn't even that much pain, just blood.. so much of it. He had slit both of his wrists, the blood dripping down on to the linoleum with a steady drip... drip... drip...
It was comforting. Comforting, the silence and the blood and the knowledge that it would all be over soon.. soon..
His thoughts shattered as he heard a gasp from across the room.
No, no, he silently begged, don't let it be him don't let him see me like this please it'll look so bad... please don't let it be Hotohori-sama.. please...
The subconscious pleading didn't seem to help, as the one who passed into his vision was, indeed, Hotohori. He walked with quick steps to the phone, dialed nine-one-one. He told the operator the address and told her that his friend was hurt. Then he hung up and faced Nuriko.
Nuriko begged him silently not to say anything, and he didn't. What he did do was grab some towels that were hanging nearby and wrap them around Nuriko's still-bleeding wrists. He did this without a word, but Nuriko could see anger, betrayal, and sadness in the former emperor's keen amber eyes.
Why? Nuriko demanded silently, why should he be angry? With me? He's the one who stopped me from doing what's right, him... not me..
Nuriko started crying, right then. Choked, whining sobs came of their own volition, and Hotohori put his hand on Nuriko's shoulder, his golden eyes piercing into Nuriko's own rose-violet ones.
"You aren't going to die." Hotohori said finally. "I won't let you."
Nuriko merely nodded dumbly, too tired to speak, to exhausted, mentally and physically, to do anything more.
By the time the ambulance had arrived, he had drifted into a black, dreamless sleep.
~~*~~
By the time Nuriko awoke, he was in the hospital. An IV stuck in his arm dripped precious red liquid into him. He had lost a lot of blood, he wagered.
Sitting in a chair not too far from the bed, in fact right next to it, was Hotohori, and while Nuriko guessed he had been sleeping before, he had looked up when Nuriko stirred. It took Nuriko a moment longer to realize that Hotohori's hand was holding his, until the younger's hand squeezed his gently. Just enough to let him know that he was there for him. Just enough to let him know that he cared about him.
Nuriko felt the tears coming again. He couldn't control them, couldn't do anything to stop the hot, salty river that fell down his face, falling to the white sheet that went up to his mid-chest.
"Why?" The question came out of nowhere. For the first time Nuriko noticed the utter anguish in Hotohori's eyes. The betrayal, and still a little anger, yes, but also.. anguish. He seemed so devestated.. so saddened by this..
"I... I don't know, Hotohori-sama.." Nuriko said after a moment. "I don't know.. everything.. or maybe nothing.."
"Nuriko... you tried to kill yourself... why? Do you.. do you really hate living that much? Hate us that much?" Hotohori asked in a plaintive voice, and then Nuriko looked he saw tears sliding down the former emperor's cheeks. He would have loved to have reached up and wiped them away, but now was not the time and besides, he had an IV in his arm, which made it rather difficult to reach up for anything, even if it was Hotohori.
"I don't hate you, Hotohori-sama.. I could never hate you.." Nuriko said, looking down towards the hospital bed, avoiding Hotohori's eyes. "Heika... onegai shimasu... shinjiru watashi... wakarimasen.."
"Nuriko, do you know.. what they're talking about doing now? The doctors, those jackasses?" Nuriko froze at hearing the former emperor say those words, but Hotohori continued as though he hadn't noticed. "They've both saved you and damned you, Nuriko.. they want to put you in a mental institution.."
Nuriko saw past the bitter irony of the words, saw past the fake almost-cheerfulness Hotohori displayed. He had a knack for that; seeing what others were feeling. He saw the misery behind the amber eyes, the silent questions.. why? what did I do wrong? how could this happen?.. and Nuriko hadn't an answer for any of it.
"Hotohori-sama.. please let them know.. that I don't want to die.. but that I would rather die than move away from all of you. My best support is with my friends, my true 'family'." Nuriko said firmly, not letting his voice shake, and only his eyes gave away his uncertainty, his miserable sadness. "I'm very sorry for all of this, but... if you guys want me to move out, I'll understand. I don't want to be a burden."
"Don't be silly, Nuriko," Hotohori said, frowning at him. "We don't want you to move out. And I don't need to tell them anything. Chiriko and Mitsukake are taking care of it. We already discussed it, while you were sleeping. We think it would be best if you stayed with us."
He didn't add, "but you'll be watched", but Nuriko could hear the promise in his voice that they wouldn't let this happen again, and again wondered what he had done to deserve these friends.
Maybe I was a saint in a past life, he thought after a moment, then mentally slapped himself.
"Where's Tasuki?" He asked, looking up at Hotohori for an answer, meeting the gold-amber eyes with his rose-violet ones, praying that he would be able to see his friend. "Can I talk to him? Umm.. alone, I mean.."
"Of course." Hotohori said, wiping the tears away with his sleeve. "I'll go get him."
Hotohori left, but Nuriko felt as if he were still there, and his heart hurt.
~~*~~
"What the fuck did ya think you were doin'!?!" Tasuki demanded as soon as the door was closed and the two were alone, his face flushed with anger, his green eyes showing sadness, his anger at the whole situation, and hopelessness because he hadn't been able to do anything to keep it from happening.
He's like me in that way, Nuriko reflected. He gets mad when he can't change the way people think.. but, unlike me, he's noble. He wants to help people, and when something terrible happens, it's somehow his fault because he didn't see it coming and stop it. Poor Tasuki.. he just wants everyone to be happy, but he doesn't realize that he can't make everything right, no matter how hard he tries..
"Tasuki... please, calm down.." Nuriko said softly, trying to remain calm even though, in truth, he was ready to burst out in tears. He restrained the feeling, knowing that if he did break down, Tasuki would think it was his fault. It wouldn't be, but Tasuki would think it was. "I'm fine, Tasuki.. onegai.. ochitsuku.."
"Nuriko, I'm not gonna fuckin' calm down. Ya fuckin' tried to KILL yerself, and yer tellin' ME to fuckin' CALM DOWN?!" Tasuki exclaimed. Nuriko winced at the volume he was shouting at.
"Tasuki, onegai, the whole hospital doesn't need to know," Nuriko said after a moment, looking up at his friend with a kind of hopelessness about the whole thing that startled Tasuki. "Tasuki, please.. I don't know why I did what I did, and I'm sorry I did it, now. So please, let that be enough, because it's all that I know."
"Nuri.. I'm just glad you're alright." Tasuki said, a tear running down his cheek as he hugged the bed-ridden former seishi gently, then stepped back.
"So am I, Tasuki.. believe me, so am I.."
~*Owari*~
By Ryuuen
Warnings: Suicide, sap, drama, shounen-ai, spoilers.
Disclaimer: Definition of disclaimer: If I need one, then I don't own Fushigi Yuugi.
A/N: Bit of weirdness somehow brought on by reading Skipsida's "Who I Am: Acceptance" and musing on the recent reading of Rose Thorne's "Suicide" (a Yu Yu Hakusho fic). Many things are wrong with poor Nuri-chan in this one, so BEWARE. There. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Translation Note: "onegai shimasu" means "I beg you". "Shinjiru watashi" means "Believe me". "Wakarimasen" means "I don't know". "Ochitsuku" means "calm down".
NOTE: This is reincarnation, but they know that they were seishi and all.. go figure.
REGARDLESS OF FATE
I
It wasn't like everything hadn't gone downhill. It wasn't like he didn't feel like everyone he cared about had deserted him. It wasn't like he hadn't known that it would come down to this situation sooner or later. It always did. Now was just a case of 'sooner' rather than 'later'.
Well, he thought, at least no one is home.
The slim, sharp knife dangled loosely from his right hand, it's edge gleaming in the flickering electric light of the apartment's small kitchen. His rose-violet eyes watched it, as though expecting the inanimate object to perform some kind of miracle. It did nothing, just stayed still in his loose grip, pale fingers twined around the black handle, the cutting edge facing him. It was an almost-normal kind of comfort, silent and deadly and reassuring.
It will be over soon, was the promise it whispered to him. It will all be over soon. You don't have to suffer any longer. Now you can be free.
I want to be free, he told himself sternly, silently. I don't want to suffer anymore. I just want it all to end..
He was accustomed to this. As accustomed to holding the knife like this, thinking these thoughts while he was alone, as he was cutting himself when the others weren't home. He bore the white scars on his already-pale skin, but it was nearly winter. No one noticed, since he wore long sleeved shirts. No one even suspected. He figured maybe it should have given him a little thrill, but it didn't. It made him miserable.
But he had never really cut his wrists before today.
It was a strange sensation. There wasn't even that much pain, just blood.. so much of it. He had slit both of his wrists, the blood dripping down on to the linoleum with a steady drip... drip... drip...
It was comforting. Comforting, the silence and the blood and the knowledge that it would all be over soon.. soon..
His thoughts shattered as he heard a gasp from across the room.
No, no, he silently begged, don't let it be him don't let him see me like this please it'll look so bad... please don't let it be Hotohori-sama.. please...
The subconscious pleading didn't seem to help, as the one who passed into his vision was, indeed, Hotohori. He walked with quick steps to the phone, dialed nine-one-one. He told the operator the address and told her that his friend was hurt. Then he hung up and faced Nuriko.
Nuriko begged him silently not to say anything, and he didn't. What he did do was grab some towels that were hanging nearby and wrap them around Nuriko's still-bleeding wrists. He did this without a word, but Nuriko could see anger, betrayal, and sadness in the former emperor's keen amber eyes.
Why? Nuriko demanded silently, why should he be angry? With me? He's the one who stopped me from doing what's right, him... not me..
Nuriko started crying, right then. Choked, whining sobs came of their own volition, and Hotohori put his hand on Nuriko's shoulder, his golden eyes piercing into Nuriko's own rose-violet ones.
"You aren't going to die." Hotohori said finally. "I won't let you."
Nuriko merely nodded dumbly, too tired to speak, to exhausted, mentally and physically, to do anything more.
By the time the ambulance had arrived, he had drifted into a black, dreamless sleep.
~~*~~
By the time Nuriko awoke, he was in the hospital. An IV stuck in his arm dripped precious red liquid into him. He had lost a lot of blood, he wagered.
Sitting in a chair not too far from the bed, in fact right next to it, was Hotohori, and while Nuriko guessed he had been sleeping before, he had looked up when Nuriko stirred. It took Nuriko a moment longer to realize that Hotohori's hand was holding his, until the younger's hand squeezed his gently. Just enough to let him know that he was there for him. Just enough to let him know that he cared about him.
Nuriko felt the tears coming again. He couldn't control them, couldn't do anything to stop the hot, salty river that fell down his face, falling to the white sheet that went up to his mid-chest.
"Why?" The question came out of nowhere. For the first time Nuriko noticed the utter anguish in Hotohori's eyes. The betrayal, and still a little anger, yes, but also.. anguish. He seemed so devestated.. so saddened by this..
"I... I don't know, Hotohori-sama.." Nuriko said after a moment. "I don't know.. everything.. or maybe nothing.."
"Nuriko... you tried to kill yourself... why? Do you.. do you really hate living that much? Hate us that much?" Hotohori asked in a plaintive voice, and then Nuriko looked he saw tears sliding down the former emperor's cheeks. He would have loved to have reached up and wiped them away, but now was not the time and besides, he had an IV in his arm, which made it rather difficult to reach up for anything, even if it was Hotohori.
"I don't hate you, Hotohori-sama.. I could never hate you.." Nuriko said, looking down towards the hospital bed, avoiding Hotohori's eyes. "Heika... onegai shimasu... shinjiru watashi... wakarimasen.."
"Nuriko, do you know.. what they're talking about doing now? The doctors, those jackasses?" Nuriko froze at hearing the former emperor say those words, but Hotohori continued as though he hadn't noticed. "They've both saved you and damned you, Nuriko.. they want to put you in a mental institution.."
Nuriko saw past the bitter irony of the words, saw past the fake almost-cheerfulness Hotohori displayed. He had a knack for that; seeing what others were feeling. He saw the misery behind the amber eyes, the silent questions.. why? what did I do wrong? how could this happen?.. and Nuriko hadn't an answer for any of it.
"Hotohori-sama.. please let them know.. that I don't want to die.. but that I would rather die than move away from all of you. My best support is with my friends, my true 'family'." Nuriko said firmly, not letting his voice shake, and only his eyes gave away his uncertainty, his miserable sadness. "I'm very sorry for all of this, but... if you guys want me to move out, I'll understand. I don't want to be a burden."
"Don't be silly, Nuriko," Hotohori said, frowning at him. "We don't want you to move out. And I don't need to tell them anything. Chiriko and Mitsukake are taking care of it. We already discussed it, while you were sleeping. We think it would be best if you stayed with us."
He didn't add, "but you'll be watched", but Nuriko could hear the promise in his voice that they wouldn't let this happen again, and again wondered what he had done to deserve these friends.
Maybe I was a saint in a past life, he thought after a moment, then mentally slapped himself.
"Where's Tasuki?" He asked, looking up at Hotohori for an answer, meeting the gold-amber eyes with his rose-violet ones, praying that he would be able to see his friend. "Can I talk to him? Umm.. alone, I mean.."
"Of course." Hotohori said, wiping the tears away with his sleeve. "I'll go get him."
Hotohori left, but Nuriko felt as if he were still there, and his heart hurt.
~~*~~
"What the fuck did ya think you were doin'!?!" Tasuki demanded as soon as the door was closed and the two were alone, his face flushed with anger, his green eyes showing sadness, his anger at the whole situation, and hopelessness because he hadn't been able to do anything to keep it from happening.
He's like me in that way, Nuriko reflected. He gets mad when he can't change the way people think.. but, unlike me, he's noble. He wants to help people, and when something terrible happens, it's somehow his fault because he didn't see it coming and stop it. Poor Tasuki.. he just wants everyone to be happy, but he doesn't realize that he can't make everything right, no matter how hard he tries..
"Tasuki... please, calm down.." Nuriko said softly, trying to remain calm even though, in truth, he was ready to burst out in tears. He restrained the feeling, knowing that if he did break down, Tasuki would think it was his fault. It wouldn't be, but Tasuki would think it was. "I'm fine, Tasuki.. onegai.. ochitsuku.."
"Nuriko, I'm not gonna fuckin' calm down. Ya fuckin' tried to KILL yerself, and yer tellin' ME to fuckin' CALM DOWN?!" Tasuki exclaimed. Nuriko winced at the volume he was shouting at.
"Tasuki, onegai, the whole hospital doesn't need to know," Nuriko said after a moment, looking up at his friend with a kind of hopelessness about the whole thing that startled Tasuki. "Tasuki, please.. I don't know why I did what I did, and I'm sorry I did it, now. So please, let that be enough, because it's all that I know."
"Nuri.. I'm just glad you're alright." Tasuki said, a tear running down his cheek as he hugged the bed-ridden former seishi gently, then stepped back.
"So am I, Tasuki.. believe me, so am I.."
~*Owari*~