Disclaimer: Imagine to my surprise when I discovered Rurouni Kenshin and all of its characters did not belong to me! *sobs* The bishies are mine! Mine I tell you!
Author's Notes: I can't believe I wrote yet another one-shot. Anyway, it's more of a silly fic, and it started off promisingly enough, only to degenerate towards the end. It's been a while since I've written something as fun as this but I hope you guys enjoy. (Edited: Thanks to Jason M. Lee for pointing out my errors!)
Dedicated to my imouto-chan, Kirstian, talented author supreme, and co-creator of t&k presents... (shameless plug alert). Thanks for always being so supportive ^_^ and big thanks to those who reviewed My Funny Rurouni ^_____^
Timeline: Post-Kyoto (either anime or manga – take your pick) Italics indicate flashbacks (usually).
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Best Laid PlansThere are many things in life that a person is capable of planning for. Unfortunately, at the ripe old age of twenty, the biological clock for one Kamiya Kaoru was ticking. Already considered an old maid by most of the town, and soon-to-be wife to a somewhat blockheaded rurouni-in-denial, Kaoru only had one possible course of action.
Take out from Tae's – Check.
Best kimono washed and dried – Check.
Hair trimmed (also courtesy of Tae, whose talents went beyond cooking delicious food) – Check.
Geta cleaned – Check.
Breath – Check.
Other - …Kaoru paused at that section. Frowning in thought, she tapped a finger on her chin. Had she really covered every possible contingency?
She had run to the police station yesterday, confronting Fujita Goro, more commonly known to them as Saitoh, with surprising fervour. Hands planted on her hips, she had practically accosted the unsuspecting Mibu's wolf as she stormed into his office. Startled, Saitoh could only look up.
"You!!"
Saitoh quirked his brow.
"You will NOT allow any city emergency to creep up tomorrow, you understand?" she demanded. Her voice sounded low and deadly, coupled with a lethal gaze that would've sent a certain former hitokiri running.
"…"
"I don't care if the city's falling apart, or an old enemy has come to town, or if the country's falling apart, or… okay, maybe if the country's falling apart… no!!" Kaoru rattled on. "You will not allow anything to happen! For one day, at least a few hours, I will have peace, you hear me?"
Smoke drifted upwards lazily though if one inspected closely, the cigarette was dangling just the tiniest bit from his lips.
"And when would you like these hours to be?"
She glared at him. "Quit making fun of me, Saitoh. And YOU most of all… you stay away from the dojo!! Under no circumstances do I want any of your police force, law enforcement, court officials, emperor, or ex-enemies coming near the Kamiya Dojo. It's hands off tomorrow, you understand?"
Saitoh smirked. "Got big plans, tanuki-chan?"
She turned bright red. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Afterall, he had threatened and nearly hurt Kenshin more than once. With courage that surpassed her instinct for survival, she pointed at him. "If you allow anything to happen, I won't forgive you, understand??"
Then, with a graceful turn of her body, she stomped right out of his office.
"Yare, yare… how quickly they grow up."
That arena had been covered. She felt that she had sufficiently threatened Saitoh, even though all she had wanted to do was run for cover. Her knees had been knocking, but it didn't matter. She had to get everything done today.
So it wasn't that. What else could it be?
"Come here, baby… gimme some of that sweet lovin'… what the?!"
Sanosuke went flying from his room through the familiar paper screen. Paper cuts did start to hurt after a while.
"What the f- Jou-chan!?" he exclaimed, wide awake now.
Kaoru blushed a little at the sight of his bare chest. All right, so he was a chicken head, but it didn't stop him from having a nicely, muscled… no no, her thoughts were solely devoted to her slender rurouni.
She flung his gi at him. "Cover up, you shameless pig!"
He chuckled as he put one arm through a sleeve. "You invade a man's room completely uninvited, touch his body first thing in the morning, and I am the shameless pig?" Knowing it would completely unnerve her, he decided to make his pecs dance to an imaginary tune.
"Sano!!!" she shrieked as she covered her eyes.
Sanosuke grinned broadly as he tied his gi up. "I knew you wanted me, Jou-chan. All this pent-up passion you have for me… you can't like living on miso soup that much. Sometimes, a girl needs more sustenance."
Kaoru tried to be gentle. She really did. It wasn't her idea to come in and beat Sanosuke to a pulp, but sometimes, one could only be lady-like for so long. She futae no kiwami'ed him against the rather solid edge of the wall.
A few moments later, Sanosuke was nursing a rather large lump on his head and shooting daggers at Kaoru. "Damnit, Jou-chan. This better be good. I don't particularly like beatings first thing in the morning, although…" At her warning look, he immediately stopped that line of thought. "What?" he asked gruffly.
"You need to stay away from the dojo tomorrow."
He blinked at her.
"No mooching, no freeloading, although I managed to talk Tae-san into giving you a discount at the Akabeko tomorrow."
Headache long forgotten, he stared at her suspiciously. "Is there a fight going on?"
"No…"
"Hmm… Kenshin can't be leaving to fight cos' you'd be bawling your eyes out and carrying on like a baby…"
"HEY!"
"What's going on?"
She shot him a pleading look. "Can't you just not ask?"
"Oh, it must be good."
"Leave it be. I'll… I'll buy your meal at the Akabeko tomorrow!"
There was a secret, and he wasn't in on it. You bet your ass he was going to milk it for all it was worth. "Not good enough," he said with his arms crossed.
"WHAT?!"
"I don't like being kept in the dark about stuff. If it's something, I wanna know."
"It doesn't concern you!" Kaoru nearly yelled in frustration.
He grinned broadly. "Makes me wanna know more…"
"I'll tell Tae that you spent the money you were supposed to pay your bill off with."
He gulped. Damn woman. It would take more than that to get him. And anyway, this was his victory. He shrugged nonchalantly. "See if I care…"
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I'll tell Tae that you were at a certain house with many kimono-less women around."
"Damn you, Jou-chan."
Kaoru jumped up in the air and let out a shriek of joy. "I won! Ahahaha…" She danced around him. If he liked the taste of sakabatou or fists, he would've tripped her.
"And don't you dare spy on me!! Or I'll tell everyone that pink looks even better on you than Kenshin." The wench actually winked at him before she left. Sanosuke groaned and fell back onto his futon. Damn that rurouni. He better make an honest woman out of that one soon. Then again, the redhead was just as whipped as the lot of them.
One freeloader had been taken care of, which meant…
"Yahiko-chan," Kaoru called out sweetly.
His bokken in mid-air, he nearly tumbled over at her tone of voice. NEVER had he heard his teacher address him in that manner. Beyond the fact that it was revolting, it also sent warning signals off in his head. Young he may be, stupid he was not – unlike the other grown men around him.
"Do not call me chan, busu!!!"
There. That was bound to get her back to normal again. A strange Kaoru just made him suspicious.
He saw the telltale tightening of her hands. Then, it was as if nothing had happened.
She patted him on the head. "I'm sorry, Yahiko-kun."
The bokken fell out of his hand and he gaped at her. KUN?!
"…and I know I've been working you too hard…"
He was dreaming. All his aching muscles, as realistic as the pain felt, must be a part of a dream. Either that or Shisio's Jikoku Tori had finally happened.
He pinched himself, and yelped from the force of it. Kaoru gave him a strange look. "…free meal at the Akabeko."
She looked like Kaoru. She even had the same wide hips.
Kaoru picked up his bokken and handed it to him. "You look rather pale, Yahiko-kun. Perhaps you would like to see Genzai-sensei to make sure you're all right? After all, you want to make sure you're 100% healthy for your date tomorrow with Tsubame-chan."
Nothing else registered after that point.
Date. Tsubame. Him. All in one sentence.
He promptly succumbed to a happy faint.
Kaoru gave herself a mental pat on the back. Mission accomplished.
The only problem with planning was that it could only work if one could anticipate the victim's reactions. Unfortunately, with one as cunning as Takani Megumi, it would require all her mental skills.
Her steps were heavy as she finally made it to the clinic. "Megumi…" she whispered hoarsely. She would've fallen over had Megumi not caught her.
"Kaoru! What the-"
A doctor's instincts were keen and sharp. The need to nurture and heal overcame all else. Helping Kaoru into the clinic, Megumi felt her forehead.
"You're not running a temperature, tanuki-chan. What's going on here?"
Kaoru looked absolutely pitiful. "It's… it's Kenshin!!" she cried out.
"WHAT?! He beat you?" Megumi stared at the bruise on Kaoru's forearm.
"Eh? No! No! That's from something else." Kaoru waved off Megumi's concerns. "It's just… it's been months since we've returned from Kyoto. I really thought…"
Megumi watched Kaoru's lower lip tremble. Her blue eyes were bigger than usual, and she just looked so damn pitiful.
"So I haven't been sleeping. I've been thinking too much you know?"
Megumi sighed in exasperation. "Tanuki-chan, how many times have we been through this? Aren't you tired of me lecturing you about this? The man practically killed himself to keep his promise to you, and…"
"It's not just that. I just haven't been feeling too well. Too tired to sleep, and I think…" She looked around before lowering her voice to a whisper. "… my monthly problems are worse than usual."
The fox brightened. That she could solve. Above all else, she hated situations that left her feeling helpless. Plus, she really detested Kaoru rubbing in the fact that she had a certain redhead, while all Megumi had was her career.
Where Megumi lacked, she made up in other areas.
"Well at least Ken-san will know you're fertile… ohohohoho!!!"
She beamed in satisfaction at the colour that flooded the younger girl's cheeks. "So you're going to give me that… medicine to help me sleep?"
Megumi frowned. "I really shouldn't. It's a bad idea to be this dependent on it."
"But I can't sleep, and when I can't sleep, I'm in pain, and then I think about Kenshin all night…."
Megumi did not miss the strange look flitting across Kaoru's face as she whined. Yet, there was something off that she did not like.
"This is earlier than usual, Kaoru. You don't usually have your symptoms at this time…"
A bead of sweat appeared on Kaoru's forehead. "Oh you know how irregular us young girls are…"
Rising to grab the contents of her medicine box, Megumi returned with a packet of powder. "Only in small doses, you understand?"
Kaoru bobbed her head, and tucked it carefully in her obi. Then, she stared at Megumi expectantly.
"What?" Megumi barked out.
She looked so hurt at the sharp tone that Megumi felt the tiniest bit guilty. With a loud sigh, Megumi brought over the pot of tea. "It's not too busy at the clinic anyway," she muttered. At the younger girl's bright smile, Megumi felt a strange shiver shoot up her spine.
As she poured the tea, Kaoru bent over to retrieve her cup. But as clumsy as most tanukis were prone to being, she knocked over the contents of Megumi's medicine box.
Shooting Kaoru the dirtiest look, she nearly pushed the smaller girl aside. "Don't touch it! This stuff doesn't come cheap," she grumbled as she managed to save most of the contents.
"I'm sorry," Kaoru said, sounding incredibly child-like.
Why was she always the adult in their group? Why couldn't she be the one with a temper tantrum? Sometimes, there was nothing like an old-fashioned scream to release some stress. Of course, there were other forms, but entirely inappropriate given the era they lived in.
Raising her tea cup to Megumi, Kaoru asked, "Forgive me?"
The doctor merely grumbled, took a sip, and toppled over like a block of wood.
The glint shining from her eyes belied the innocence of the young girl. "I hope I didn't overdose her," Kaoru said with a giggle.
So it had been rather drastic, but how else was Kaoru to prevent a determined Megumi from coming to the dojo? All in all, Megumi might wake up in two days with a rather stiff back from the strange position that Kaoru left her in, but she would be well rested. Kaoru made a mental note to stay clear of the clinic for the next week or so.
Planning accounted for all contingencies. Shisio was off somewhere in un-nameable parts, along with Yumi and Hoji. Most of the Juupongatana had scattered. Misao was safely tucked away in Kyoto with her Aoshi-sama. And by sending Yahiko and Sanosuke over to the Akabeko, there was no chance of Tae stopping by for a friendly visit. Short of the sky falling on the roof (she had secretly reinforced it), she was sure she had covered everything.
So what was she missing?
A soft cough next to her brought her out of her thoughts, and staring into deep hyacinth eyes.
She screamed. With her finger pointing at him, she stammered, "Ken-kenshin!!"
He smiled gently at her. "I did not want to disturb you, but it looks as if it's going to rain. It would not be good if you caught a cold."
Her heart melted. How sweet. How wonderful of her thoughtful rurouni to worry about her. Her mind skipped forward. Rain?
Sitting out in courtyard – Cancelled.
She would have to re-arrange. It was all right. Planning
accounted for all contingencies, she reminded herself. She nodded at him and walked up the
steps.
"Have you eaten yet?" she asked.
He gave her a strange look. "I'm not hungry right now." He gestured at the collection of wooden tubs on the ground, filled with groceries. "I remember what an appetite you work up after your training."
Her eyebrow twitched. She wasn't exactly sure what he was insinuating, but this wasn't conducive to her plans at the moment. She would take care of him another time.
"Lunch is ready actually," she cooed.
Why was her sweet, wonderful rurouni looking as if she were about to descend on her prey – namely him?
He began stuttering, "Lunch? Lunch that y-you c-cooked?" Kenshin rather thought her gaze was worthy of his ex-hitokiri self. Back-pedal, he screamed mentally. "I mean, it would be delightful, but I am not hungry at the moment." He refrained from patting himself on the back for that save.
Romantic lunch for two – Cancelled.
Contingencies, she reminded herself through gritted teeth.
"Did you say something, Kaoru-dono?"
She smiled sweetly at him, while putting her hands behind her back.
He gulped for some odd reason. The gi was suddenly cutting off all the circulation at his throat, and causing all the blood to flow to his cheeks. Facing a mummified flameboy was one thing. A prettily smiling Kaoru just rendered him useless.
"S-sorry about lunch."
"It's okay. I didn't cook anyway. I got some food for us from the Akabeko."
His stomach voiced its protests at being denied something other than miso soup. He turned even redder as she gave him a dirty look.
"It's not every day that you treat us all to lunch."
Did her stare become fiercer? "Do you see anyone else around?"
Kenshin shook his head. Somehow, he had to pacify what appeared to be an irate Kaoru. She was probably upset that nobody came for the lunch that she had bought. "I'm sure Yahiko and Sano will be by later, Kaoru-dono," he soothed.
The explosion that occurred mere seconds later would make Mount Fuji's last seem like a tummy rumble, which his stomach promptly complied.
"That's it!!!" she raged. "I've had it!!! All this careful planning, all this scheming… I even took out all the usual suspects!!! Do you see anyone at this dojo, Kenshin-DONO?!"
He was a dead man. Kaoru looked fit to kill. She began jabbing him at his chest. "I yelled at Saitoh. I blackmailed Sanosuke. I tricked Yahiko. I even DRUGGED Megumi all so I can get you alone for a nice lunch and what do you do? You reject my food!? A woman only has so long you know, before her beauty fades away and before you know it I'll be this old lady sitting on a rocker with an even older BAKA rurouni oro'ing all over and Yahiko and Tsubame will probably have children faster than I would!!!"
The last part of her rant sounded like a wail as she just collapsed onto the ground, running out of steam. It was a lot for a man to take in. His cheeks reddened just the slightest as he ran her words through his mind once again.
Though dim-witted in some areas, Himura Kenshin was blessed in his ability to love a determined, unconventional, somewhat tomboyish kendo instructor. Of course, thinking and acting were two separate issues altogether, and the author reminds readers that even ex-hitokiris have their moments. Sadly enough, this isn't one of them.
A fat tear plopped down the ground, and it just about broke his heart to hear her sobbing. "I'll never have a family…"
He knelt down next to her. Summoning up courage that he never had around women post-hitokiri, he said, "Sure you will."
Her head shot up to glare at him. "Not at this rate I won't."
Kenshin choked. His Kaoru-dono was being remarkably forward today. All this talk about family and children? "You are still young…"
He wasn't sure how she could look so pitiful and look so enraged at the same time but she managed it. With a strong poke, she sent him sprawling on his back.
"BAKA!!!" she yelled out.
He didn't know much, but he knew he was going to have a nosebleed some time soon with Kaoru's hands beside his head like that, coupled with a chest that strained the fabric in front of it heaving too close to his face.
Kenshin could never ever explain why to Kaoru, but it was as if the Imperial army sounded all their gongs in his mind. He just understood, never mind the fact it took the sight of a bosom rising and falling right in front of him.
He reached up and cupped her cheek. At his touch, all her rage seemed to evaporate abruptly.
"You're right, you know…" he said still red-faced.
She sniffled. "About what?"
"I'm an idiot."
He forced his eyes to concentrate on her lovely face. He had been celibate for years after all.
"Well, you do make it tough for a girl…"
Kenshin chuckled.
"… you're incredibly dense."
He nodded and the look in her eyes took his breath away. "I can't believe I had to propose to you first," Kaoru grumbled.
"You know how slow old people are…"
She appeared thoughtful. "I hear Sanosuke's on the market."
Sitting up abruptly, Kenshin clasped her close to him. She laughed at the possessive way he was holding her. Well, when he realized something, nobody could accuse him of being slow. "Does that mean you agree?"
"I love you," he whispered in the middle of the courtyard, in bright daylight no less. And she didn't mind one bit.
She smiled happily. "I love you back, baka."
"That's not very endearing," he remarked with a chuckle as he held his future wife even closer, enjoying the sensations of her body against his.
"Don't think I didn't notice where you were looking either, koishii."
The next scenes that followed involved a suddenly enthusiastic Kenshin eager to appease Kaoru's mood, and best left private, and even their audience left the rooftop silently (though to soundly rejoice in the Akabeko). If Megumi's face was still numb and drooling just the slightest, no one commented. Though out of sequence, it didn't matter to Kaoru – for all the planning one could do, all that mattered was the end result. After all, getting there was half the fun.