NOTES FROM THE AUTHOR:
Both Sailor Moon and Gundam Wing are not mine. They are the respective properties of Toei and Sunrise. This story, however, is mine, and anyone who uses it without my permission may fall victim to death by midget. I would also like to add that this is not in any way a yuri or hentai story. It is a farce of Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing, and the institution of fanfiction in general. Hopefully, you'll find at least some of it funny.
The Dangers of Fanfic Writing
By Black Rose
"Hey Tokyo, it's time for your favorite game show . . . NAME THAT SAILOR SOLDIER! Now, Mr. Chiba Mamoru, are you ready to play?"
Mamoru cocked his head at the sound of the voice. "Usako," he said, raising his hand up to the bandanna covering his face, "when you blindfolded me, strapped me to a chair, and told me we were going to play a game in your bedroom for my birthday, this was not what I had in mind."
Usagi lightly slapped Mamoru's hand. "Now, now," she said, "don't go taking off that blindfold yet. We haven't even started."
Mamoru sighed and shook his head. He realized that he would have to humor Usagi with whatever she was doing. "How do I play?" he asked.
"It's very simple," Usagi explained. "I'm going to tell you a personal fact about one of the Sailor Soldiers, and you have to tell me which one it is. If you answer ten correctly, you win!"
"What do I win?" Mamoru asked.
Usagi giggled and patted him on the head. "You're just going to have to find out," she teased. "Now, are you ready to play?"
"I guess so," Mamoru answered, still confused at what Usagi was planning. He sensed an aroma of baked goods and sniffed the air from beneath the bandana. "Is someone baking a cake?" he asked.
As if on cue, a voice from downstairs shouted, "Ami! Make a store run for some more frosting, I'm just about out."
"We're the only ones here," Usagi said quickly, rushing over to the other side of the room to close the door. "Of course I didn't call Minako and Ami-chan over here to bake a birthday cake for you. I want us to be alone today."
"Minako and Ami?" Mamoru asked. "But I thought Makoto was the one who liked to cook."
"It doesn't matter," Usagi insisted, "because Mako-chan came down with a cold, and there's nobody else here anyway."
"Okay, okay," Mamoru conceded. "Let's play."
"Alright!" Usagi cheered, pumping her arms in the air. She walked back to Mamoru and sat down on his lap facing him, straddling her legs on either side of him. "Are you ready for your first question?"
Mamoru's face brightened as soon as Usagi sat down. "You bet!" he said enthusiastically.
"Number one," Usagi said. "This Sailor Soldier is known for her obsessively combative personality as well as her inability to recognize me as the true leader of the group."
Mamoru smiled under the cloth. "Could it be Rei?"
"Yes it is!" Usagi shouted with joy. "You only have nine more to go before your big surprise." She ran her gloved fingers through Mamoru's hair and, if possible, her voice took an even more playful tone. "You want your big surprise, Mamo-chan, right?"
Mamoru nodded his head, unable to contain himself. "Yes, yes I want the surprise," he said.
"Well I don't know," Usagi said, feigning doubt. "It might not be all that good of a surprise. Maybe I should just get up and let you go home so you won't be disappointed."
"I won't be disappointed," Mamoru hurriedly interjected. "You can stay right where you are and ask the second question."
"Oh all right," Usagi joked. "Next clue: This Sailor Soldier is distinguished by her total lack of any fashion sense, especially shoes, as well as her obsession with academics."
"Is she also out getting frosting for a cake?" Mamoru joked.
"Do you want your surprise?" Usagi returned.
"Okay then, I'm going to have to go with Ami," Mamoru answered.
"Correct!" Usagi yelled. "You, sir are on a roll."
Mamoru placed his hands on Usagi's shoulders. "I have good motivation," he said softly.
"Ah, ah, ah," Usagi scolded, pushing Mamoru's hands off, "none of that until you get ten right."
"Got it," Mamoru said, playfully sticking his hands up. "Hey," he added, "are you wearing your Sailor Moon uniform?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she replied, straightening out the collar on her Sailor Moon uniform. "Now," she continued, "it's time for question three."
"Bring it on," Mamoru said.
"Okay," Usagi replied, "this Sailor Soldier is recognizable by the big stupid bow she wears in her hair that does nothing to intimidate the Dark Kingdom."
"You should be nice to poor Minako-chan, she helping you with that cake," Mamoru replied with a smile.
"Yeah," a voice from the doorway said, "you should be nice to poor Minako-chan, because she's right outside the room."
Usagi frowned and glanced at the doorway. Minako was standing there as Sailor Venus, with her arms crossed and an angry look on her face. "Oh hi, Minako-chan," Usagi said quietly, an enormous bead of sweat coming down the back of her head. "I didn't hear you come in."
"Yeah, that sure would of messed up your game, huh Usa-chan?" Minako asked angrily as she walked into the room. "Now what was that you were saying about me, and Ami-chan too I think?"
"Um," Usagi stammered, mentally speeding through her excuse bank, "I was just testing to see what Mamoru-san thought of you guys." She slapped Mamoru across the face and stood up from her compromising position on the chair. "Shame on you, Mamo-chan," she fumed in mock anger. "You ought to know better than to talk about Minako-chan and Ami-chan that way."
"Wait a sec," Mamoru protested. "I didn't do—" he tried to finish but was cut off by another slap from Usagi.
"He's a great guy," Usagi said with a cheesy smile to Minako, "but sometimes he doesn't know when to shut up." She punctuated the sentence with an elbow to Mamoru's ribs. "So," she said, approaching Minako, "how's that cake coming along?"
"Oh I don't know," Minako said maliciously, "I think I better call Ami-chan up here to find out." She turned to the doorway and yelled, "Hey, Ami-chan, did you get the frosting yet?"
"Yeah," Ami yelled back, "I just came back from the store."
"Pretty close store," Usagi mumbled.
"Lucky for us," Minako remarked. "Bring it up for me, okay Ami?" she shouted down.
"Sure, I'll be up in a second," Ami replied.
"Now, now, Minako," Usagi said, slowly backing away, "you don't want to do anything rash. Remember, we're a team, we always stick together."
"I'm not going to do anything rash," Minako said. "I'm just going to see if you approve of the frosting we're going to use for the cake."
Ami appeared in the doorway with a small tub of chocolate frosting in her arms and a puzzled look on her face. She glanced from the blindfolded Mamoru to the cowering Usagi to Minako, who wore the look of someone about to have a lot of fun at another's expense. Ami shrugged and tossed the frosting to Minako, figuring she would hear all about the fun the next morning. "I'll be downstairs with the cake if you need me," she said, beginning to exit.
"Oh, Ami-chan," Minako said sweetly, "I have to tell you about something I heard Usagi saying."
Minako began whispering something to Ami, as Usagi's face grew progressively pale. Ami's cheeks reddened and she turned a shocked glare first to Usagi, then to her loafers, and back to Usagi again. She reached over to the tub of frosting, scooped out a handful, and advanced on Usagi. "I like these shoes," she spat before winging the chocolate wad at Usagi's face. Sailor Moon could only manage a quick yelp before falling backwards with a thud.
"I'm missing something, aren't I?" asked the still blindfolded Mamoru.
Usagi tried to stagger forward, but Minako and Ami pounced too quickly and held her to the floor. "I didn't mean it guys," Usagi shouted, trying to wipe the frosting from her eyes. "It was a different Ami and Minako I was talking about, I swear!"
Usagi flung some of the frosting off her face, allowing her to see again. She glanced upwards and gulped in fear. The frosting she had flung away was now resting atop Minako's head. Minako slowly brought her fingers up to her hair and felt the brown goo resting in her blonde locks.
"You think you can do this to me," Minako said, suddenly fuming at her ruined hair, "bitch, what?!?" She scooped the remainder of the chocolate frosting into her white gloves and held it menacingly over Usagi's head. "It's on, lunar slut."
Usagi squirmed to break free, but Minako's volleyball training with her male partner had given her strong thighs, which she held Usagi down with. "Now, what do we make first?" she mused aloud, circling the frosting above the downed Sailor Soldier's head. "Should we do chocolate odangos?"
"You'd really forgive me and buy us lunch?" Usagi asked, stunned by the apparent outpouring of kindness. "You're such a sweetie!"
Ami slapped her forehead.
Minako groaned. "Honestly, Usagi-chan, it's blondes like you that—never mind, never mind." Minako suddenly smiled as something about Usagi's Sailor Moon uniform caught her eye. "Did you realize, Ami-chan, that Sailor Moon wears a primarily white costume?"
"You know," Ami said, smiling evilly, "I'm only now just seeing that."
"I fail to see how this is relevant," Usagi said impatiently, perpetuating her hair color's stereotype.
"Because of this!" Minako replied with relish, plopping the frosting down on Usagi's white top and rubbing it liberally across her chest, smiling at Usagi's disgusted squeals. Minako worked the thick, sticky frosting over and into the entire front of the Sailor Moon outfit: the top, the ribbon, the collar, and even the skirt. She gave a slight smile as she turned to coat Usagi's neatly-polished boots, when Usagi quickly sprung up from under Minako's loosened pin and, with a long and nonsensical Sailor war cry, tackled the other blonde to the floor.
The two Sailor Soldiers tumbled over onto one another, each of them trying to gain the advantage over the other, and to ruin the other's costume as best as possible. After a few minutes, Minako had regained control and lay on top of Usagi. She grinned through the chocolate that smeared her face as her frosting-coated gloves rubbed over Usagi's bright red boots, and then slowly up her legs.
The two soldiers stared deeply into one another's eyes, both exhausted from the wrestling and looking for relaxation. Minako slowly lowered her head to Usagi, hovering her lips over the frosting-sweetened ones of Sailor Moon.
"Say it, and I will," Minako purred.
The two moved closer until they could feel each other's breath on their lips. Usagi's tongue licked the frosting away from her face, and slowly moved towards Minako's waiting mouth, when suddenly . . .
"WAIT!"
The shout came from Ami, who had pulled out her pocket computer and was busy scanning the trees outside the bedroom window. She held a finger to her lips to quiet the other two Sailor Soldiers, who had now realized what they were doing and had quickly backed away to opposite sides of the room.
Usagi and Minako looked to the window, and Ami pointed to a high branch in a nearby tree, where, between the leaves, they saw the blinking red light of a video camera.
"Oh, hell," Usagi whispered, "we're in fanfiction, aren't we?"
"Even worse," Ami whispered in reply, "hentai fanfiction."
Ami quickly pulled a small rod with the planetary symbol of Mercury from nowhere in particular and held it high above her head. Her fingernails received a magical blue manicure as she shouted, "Mercury Star Power, Make Up!" Her body twirled for about a minute in an ethereal blue light as her school uniform vanished and was replaced by that of Sailor Mercury. A quick Shabon Spray Attack, and the mystery cameraman was lost in a maze of fog and unable to escape the tree.
"Why do they never run when we transform?" Usagi asked.
"They're always looking at the body lines," Minako replied, quickly getting on her feet as Ami blushed, having just transformed. Minako pointed her finger towards Mercury's fog and shouted, "Venus Love-Me Chain!" sending a large whip of interlocked hearts at the figure in the trees, first entangling him, then reeling him into the room. He landed on the floor with a satisfying THUD as the three Sailor Soldiers walked over to examine him.
He was fairly tall for an American, but extremely tall for being in Tokyo. He wore a black tee shirt, brown pants, and black shoes. He slowly stirred into consciousness, looked upward, and groaned at the sight of the three senshi standing over him. He glanced to the side, saw that his camera had fallen next to him and shattered, and moaned again.
"They are going to kill me dead," he murmured, shaking his head.
"You're the writer, I presume," Ami said, interrupting his self-pity.
The youth stood and faced the three girls. He took a mock bow and responded, "Black Rose, at your service."
"None of that smart mouth crap," Usagi said, motioning threateningly towards her tiara. "Why don't you tell us just what the hell you were doing in that tree?"
Black Rose tried to think of a lie, glanced at the tiara, and thought better of it. That cursed demon he knew as the truth would have to make do here. "I was trying to make a messy yuri hentai fanfic," he said, bracing for a smack.
"Hmm, hentai," Minako mused. "Nice call, Ami."
"I figured it was hentai as soon as the quality of writing took a downturn."
"And who exactly are you working for?" Usagi asked, continuing the interrogation.
"Oh no," Black Rose said, "these people are nuts. There's no way I'm snitching on them."
"They must be nuts to get off on this," Minako said, tugging at her frosting-stained uniform. "This is going to be a bitch to clean, you realize?"
"Some kind of psychopaths, most likely," Usagi affirmed.
"Uh yeah," Ami said, slowly sliding out of the room, "they're bloody crazy, those, um, crazy people."
"Well," Black Rose nervously said, "the camera is destroyed, so there's really no reason to get too mad." He gave a weak smile that wasn't returned. "I mean there's not going to be any hentai now, so we can all just go home . . . right?" Usagi and Minako glared. "Please?"
The two Sailor Soldiers stared darkly at the writer for a full five minutes before finally sighing and standing down. "He's right," Usagi said, "and it's not like this is the first time someone tried to write us into a hentai . . . or the worst for that matter."
"You're telling me," Minako said. "Remember last week when that French guy wrote the one about Mako-chan and Luna?"
"Ugh," Usagi said, turning to leave with Minako, "it's still uncomfortable for the poor kitty whenever Makoto comes over. You're just lucky you had Artemis in the vet that day."
"How is the poor girl holding up?"
"Luna?" Usagi replied. "Other than being around Mako-chan, she's pretty much okay. Except for when we went to see Haruka ride her motorcycle. The smell of leather gave her a bad flashback."
"What the hell do we tell the dry cleaner for this one?" Minako asked as the two walked out the bedroom door.
"Ew, I'm just wondering if I can get this out of these boots," Usagi answered, trying to wipe some of the frosting off the red leather, and failing because her gloves were covered as well. "The cleaners won't even do shoes."
"Yeah," Minako said, "sorry about that."
Usagi tossed her head back at the writer before the two disappeared down the hall. "Not your fault," she said.
Black Rose gave an enormous sigh of relief, waited until he could no longer her Usagi's or Minako's voices, then dashed out the window and as far away from the Tsukino household as possible.
The bedroom was quiet.
"Hello?" Mamoru called, "is there anyone here? Usako, are you there?" He sighed. "Could somebody please unstrap me from this chair? I haven't eaten yet today." He tried to rock the chair to make noise, but only succeeded in tipping over face first. He opened his mouth to shout again, but got a mouthful of chocolate from the floor. "Yum," he said, "frosting!"
* * *
Footsteps echoed down the long, spartan halls of the spaceship Peacemillion, as the large, silver cruiser hovered high above Earth. A running figure burst into the commons room where five boys anxiously awaited his arrival.
Heero Yuy, the leader of the five, approached the young man, who was bent over and gasping for breath. "Do you have it?" Heero asked.
Black Rose held up a hand. "One second," he said, panting heavily. "Do you have any idea how far of a run it is from Japan to here?"
Duo Maxwell, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, and Chang Wufei all walked up next to Heero. "Did you make it to Sailor Moon's house?" Trowa asked.
"Yeah," Black Rose replied, "I got the three Sailor Soldiers you wanted in the bedroom together and got the chocolate frosting in there with them."
"Excellent," Duo said, stepping forward. "Where's the tape?"
Black Rose laughed nervously. "Well," he started explaining, "there's a funny thing about that. You see, I ran into a few teensy problems there."
"I hope you didn't just say what I think you did," Wufei said menacingly, reaching for the hilt of his sword, "because on my honor, and that of my ancestors, I will have my messy Sailor Moon lesbian hentai!"
"Look, it isn't my fault," Black Rose pleaded. "Sailor Mercury figured out what we were trying to do and stopped the others."
"I knew it," Trowa groaned, looking at Duo. "I told you it would be a bad idea to put the smart one in, but you insisted on having Ami in there."
"Well," Duo said haughtily, "I just happen to like chicks with short blue hair. Besides, Trowa, I said all along that it would be a bad idea for the writer to put himself in his own fanfic."
"Duo's right," Heero said, "because they'll always fuck it up."
"Do we really need to be fighting about this, guys?" Quatre asked, suddenly speaking up. "I mean do we really need yuri hentai up here? There's plenty of other things we could do on the ship to have fun."
The four other Gundam boys groaned and rolled their eyes. They all knew exactly why Quatre didn't mind the loss of the hentai—his pink shirts, love of classical music, unwillingness to kill randomly, and his blonde hair while being an Arab were all good indicators as to what that answer could be.
Heero shook his head. "I see why they stopped doing . . . it," he said, "but why isn't there a video of what did get done?"
Black Rose wrung his hands nervously. "Well," he said, "they sort of attacked me and broke the camera, with the video tape in it." The five all began to slowly advance on him. "What they did was pretty good, though," Black Rose nervously continued, slowly backing away from the five pilots, "you should've seen how Usagi looked in the—"
Wufei interrupted him. "You were defeated in combat," he growled, "by a woman?!?"
"Dammit," Black Rose said, "they've got powers; they're frickin' magical girls."
"The God of Death demands retribution!" Duo shouted, as Black Rose broke out into a sprint away from the others, who were quickly giving chase.
The Gundam pilots chased the writer until he reached the docking bay and hopped into the nearest mecha. "He took the Deathscythe," Heero shouted, "grab your Gundams and follow him!"
"And what the hell am I supposed to do?" Duo shouted back.
"It's okay," Quatre said, "you can take Sandrock. I think I'm going to turn in early tonight, anyway."
Duo sighed. "Of course," he said, rushing into Quatre's Gundam.
And the four Gundams blasted off in pursuit of Black Rose and Deathscythe.
* * *
Ami hummed the Sailor Mercury theme to herself as she put the finishing touches on her costume for the evening. It had taken a while to complete, but she had to admit to herself that the effect was stunning. She stood in front of the bathroom mirror and smiled at her reflection, wearing nothing but her tall blue boots and a Sailor Mercury uniform made of white and blue cake frosting. She squirted one last dab of blue around her neck, giggled, and walked into the adjacent bedroom.
The figure in the bed smiled at Ami's costume, and the Sailor Soldier walked up to the bed, swung her leg over him, and straddled him in bed. "In the name of Mercury," she said in a deep, sexy voice, "you better believe I will punish you."
"Do your worst," he replied with a smile.
After about an hour of Ami's worst, the two lay side by side under sheets sticky with sugar and sweat, exhausted from the night's activities. "Did you like it?" Ami asked with a playful smile.
"Incredible," he replied.
"Do you think the others suspect anything?" Ami asked.
"Nah," Quatre said, rolling over to kiss her, "they think I'm gay."