LAST CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title is from "With Honors." I feel compelled to point this out because I know no one probably gets my obscure little cultural references. You know, when Moira Kelly is sitting outside during the party and Brendan Fraser comes out and kisses her and she says, "What are you doing?" and he says, "Mending out friendship." Ha ha. Anyway.

12. Mending Our Friendship

Ivan left Beni at the top of the stairs with the express instructions not to let anybody down. Anybody. Of course, Beni being Beni, as soon as Ivan and Evelyn were out of sight, he hightailed to the cafeteria, the pull of hospital Jell-o too much to resist.

"Rick's going to save me, you know," said Evelyn as they made their way down the creepy darkened stairwell. "He'll probably kill you."

"I very much doubt that, Ms. Carnahan, but thank you for the encouragement."

Evelyn seemed not to have heard him, being lost in her own little world. "It's just that I thought that he loved me."

Ivan sighed. "If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one in cheesy romance novels..."

"You read romance novels?"

He narrowed his eyes, daring her to push the subject further. "Do you have a problem with that?"

"No! Say, you're a guy, maybe you can help me."

Ivan looked around for something to knock Evelyn over the head with, but finding nothing, decided to put up with her incessant questioning for a bit more. "Go ahead, ask me anything."

"Why do guys do this? I mean, I got the impression that maybe there was the possibility of a relationship there. And now all of a sudden he's acting as though I've mentioned marriage. I think he's freaking out. Really, what is it with guys and sex?!?!"

Ivan shrunk back toward the wall, for over the course of her speech Evelyn had become quite emotional about the whole subject and looked as though her eyes would shoot daggers at any man that moved. "Um...I apologize on behalf of my entire gender?"

"Seriously!" she cried. "Is it too much to ask to--"

She didn't get much farther, for as they reached the bottom of the stairs, Ivan finally found a blunt object suitable for knocking someone out, and proceeded to do so without any further ado.

"They've got a head start," said Rick. "And where the hell do we go?"

Nobody had an answer to this, but Izzy got out of the driver's side and moved around to the trunk. He unlocked it, revealing a terrified Chamberlain huddled inside. "All right, Chamberlain," said the president. "Where would he take her?"

"The--the--the--the hospital," stuttered Chamberlain. "That's where it happened in 1972. And if it's not too much trouble, could you perhaps let me out before we get there? That guy is a psycho--"

Chamberlain's words became muffled as Izzy slammed the trunk and made for the driver's side door again. "Let's go, people."

"Mr. President?" asked Simon. "Perhaps I should drive."

"Get in the car, Donovan." Izzy did a double-take. "Uh....didn't you....you know...die?"

"It's a whole big story," said Rick. "Buffelyn had something to do with it. Everyone in the car!"

The men all piled in the car and (after making sure all seat belts were fastened) sped in the direction of the hospital and Evelyn.

The woman in question opened her eyes to complete blackness. She soon found that she could not move hardly at all, either. This was partly due to the fact that her hands and feet were bound together, and partly because she was trapped in a morgue drawer.

She tried to scream, but the sound caught in her throat, and with a whoosh of air the drawer was opened. As the glare from the florescent lights faded to a controllable level, Evelyn wished the blackness would return, so she wouldn't see what she was seeing.

Ivan stood above her, sacrificial knife raised. She was going to die.

"Can't you go any faster?" asked Rick, looking impatiently over Izzy's shoulder as the president hastened the car down the freeway.

"I'm going ninety!" cried Izzy. "As it is, I don't think that is an acceptable speed for a president to be driving, so you're just damn lucky that I love Evy like a daughter! So you just accept that ninety miles per hour and use the time to think about what the hell you're going to say to Evelyn after you save her life. And you will save her life, O'Connell, or I swear to God I'll have both Bey and Donovan shoot you!"

"Nice of you, Mr. President," muttered Rick, sinking back into his seat. "Thanks a lot."

"You're just lucky I haven't had you shot already for how you've treated that girl!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Rick leaned forward again. "I finally find someone who maybe I could really love, the one woman I've ever met who maybe could really love me back, and suddenly everyone thinks I'm acting like a complete asshole! What the hell did I do besides fall in love? Huh? What is so wrong with that?!"

"Ah ha!" cried the president. "You admit it! Now all you have to do is admit it to her, and it'll be all good."

"A little help here, Bey?" asked Rick.

"Well..." said Bey, "you are an asshole, O'Connell. I knew that, and yet you are still my friend. Wonders will never cease."

"Wait!!!" screamed Evelyn. "You can't kill me! I have so much to live for!"

Ivan paused. "But I'm a crazed psychopath murderer. What the hell do I care?"

"Can't we at least talk about it? Wait just a few minutes, please."

"And how do I know you aren't just stalling until your lover and his band of bumbling cohorts gets here so they can save the day and send me to the underworld?"

Without much effort Evelyn managed to begin crying. "I'd really like to have some last words if I'm going to die."

"Damn," growled Ivan. "You've inherited the Carnahan charm. All right, start talking."

Luckily Evelyn did not have to stall for long, because at that very moment the bumbling rescue party burst through the doors of the morgue, yelling and screaming and generally making a ruckus. "Ah, hell," said Ivan, then turned to the group. "All right, which one of you wants to fight to the death while the rest of you try in vain to find a way to banish my soul to the underworld?"

"I think I'll take you up on the first one," said Rick.

"Bring it!" growled Ivan.

With that Rick lunged at Ivan, knocking him to the ground and sending the sacrificial knife to a distant corner. While they threw punches at one another, Izzy, Simon, Bey and Jonathan stood around feeling quite helpless. "What should we do?" asked Bey.

"Duh, duh!" said Jonathan. He held up a large golden book for the other's inspection. "We use this."

"Where did you get that?"

"Hospital gift shop," replied Jonathan. "But there is one teensy weensy problem."

"What's that?"

"Does anyone here read ancient Egyptian?"

The men looked at each other blankly, none of them having a speck of Egyptian linguistic knowledge between them. "Um, I took French," said Donovan. "Does that help?"

"Step aside, boys," said a new voice. A petite woman with reddish-brown curly hair stepped between them and took the book from Jonathan. "I happen to be an expert in this sort of thing."

"Deana!" cried Ardeth. "My wife, the love of my life, what are you doing here, of all places?"

"I'm saving your guys' butts, apparently. Honestly, men..." *Deana sneaks a peek at Ardeth's butt.* "Damn."

"There's plenty of time for that later!" said Izzy. "Just read from the damn book!"

"Don't rush me, Mr. President," said Deana.

"Baby," said Ardeth, "you know these movies by heart. Say the lines!"

"Okay, okay." Deana fixed her gaze on Ivan, quite busy strangling Rick across the room. "Kadeesh mal, kadeesh mal! Pared Oos, pared oos!!!"

Ivan's eyes widened and he dropped Rick just before a giant blue chariot burst through the wall of the morgue and sucked Ivan's immortal soul from his body. He staggered around for a bit, then turned to the group by the stairs. "Uh, hello," he said weakly. "It seems I am now mortal. Does anyone have any Pepto-Bismol?"

"Ivan!" screeched another woman descending from the stairs. She had long, flowing black hair and bronze skin, and was wearing retro '70s fashions. "Thank heavens you're all right! Did they hurt you?"

Ivan's eye opened even wider, if that was possible, and he looked so pitiful everyone just about cried for him. "Annie?" he said. "But....they killed you."

"No, no, no!" cried the woman. "That was my twin sister, Meela! My name is Maali, the true reincarnation of your lover Anastasia. I was, like, hoping we could go out some time. Now that you're mortal and, you know, no longer psychotically evil."

"Of course!" beamed Ivan. "Are you free now?"

Maali took Ivan's arm and the two of them made their way past Rick, still on the floor, Evelyn, still tied up on the table, and the rest of the group, completely and utterly at a loss as to what they should be doing to stop this madness. The couple ascended the stairs and after their departure a period of silence followed, in which no one knew quite what to say.

"Um, people?" said Evelyn, breaking the quiet. "Could someone untie me?"

O'Connell leapt to his feet and began untying her. "Anyone have a knife? Ardeth, can I borrow-- hey!"

Ardeth and Deana, who had been making out, leapt apart guiltily. "What?" said Ardeth.

"Never mind."

"All right." Ardeth turned to his wife. "Ready to go, honey?"

"Yep." Deana and Ardeth followed the mummy and his girl up the stairs and out of sight.

"I should get going, too," said Simon. "C.J.'s waiting, you know, and we, too, are insanely happy in alternate universe bliss, as you already know. Bye, guys!" Simon exited, too.

"I'm going to leave before you two get all mushy," Jonathan mumbled. "Care to join me, Mr. President?"

"Yes, Jonathan. And I have a very special place for us to go."

"Really? Where's that?"

"It's a magical land called rehab. You'll love it. Come on, let's get out of here."

Izzy and Jonathan also made their exit, leaving only Rick and a half untied Evelyn. "Well," she said. "I guess I should start with thank you."

Rick was about to reply but was interrupted by the appearance of a third presence. The man was tall and black and wore a tall red turban and a scowl. "Mr. O'Connell," he snarled. "How wonderful to see you again."

"Mr. Lock!" cried Rick. "What the hell..."

"I am here to inform you," said Mr. Lock, "that my employer has terminated (heh, heh) the contract on your head because of your regained status with the secret service. I will no longer be trying to kill you. Just thought you'd like to know."

"You mean it was me that was getting shot at?!" asked Rick. "And I thought I was being all brave and saving Evelyn's life."

"Well, probably." Mr. Lock shrugged sheepishly. "I'm a very bad shot. Anyway, have a nice life." He then turned, and with a dramatic flourish of his cape, was gone.

Without a word, Rick began untying Evelyn's bindings again, but she felt the need to be slightly more talkative. "What does he mean, 'regained status with the secret service?'"

"Oh." Rick threw the last rope away. "Bey offered me my job back. It's no big deal."

"Of course it is. Are you happy?"

"I'm good at it." Rick shrugged. "Even if I did get the president shot in the ass. It was just that one time." He helped Evelyn down from the table, and found that once again, she'd ended up in his arms. It felt right. "Evelyn, I--"

"No." She shushed him with a finger to his lips. "Don't say it. I couldn't bear to have my heart broken."

"Evelyn, I love you."

She looked slightly shocked. "Oh. I didn't expect that. Are you sure you're not just...caught up in the moment?"

Rick looked around at the particular moment and made a decision. "I'm pretty sure not. We're standing in the middle of a morgue, I'm half beat-to-death, and the hospital is going to have our heads for all this damage we've caused. Not a real romantic moment."

"Yes, it is." She leaned forward and nuzzled his nose, reveling in the simple closeness. "It's perfect. I love you."

His heart feeling strangely at ease, Rick kissed her then, deciding that it didn't matter what moment it was--whether standing in a kitchen, the Oval Office, or the morgue--with her, every moment was perfect. "I love you, Evy," he said again, between kisses. "For all eternity."

EPILOGUE

...whatever happens to...

RICK asked EVELYN to marry him soon after the start of their passionate romance. She happily accepted and moved to D.C. to be with him and attend graduate school. They've set a date and are sure to have many supernatural-related adventures in the future.

JONATHAN did indeed go to rehab, from which he emerged completely clean and cuter than ever. He is currently dating Buffelyn.

IZZY hopes to be elected to a second term.

ARDETH and DEANA are living happily ever after in the suburbs with a million kids.

SIMON and C.J: Ditto.

CHAMBERLAIN was eventually rescued from the trunk of the car and spent a chunk of time in a mental hospital.

IVAN and MAALI are still together and frequently invite Rick and Evelyn over for dinner parties. The authorities have not prosecuted the couple for crimes committed in 1972 due to a lack of evidence proving reincarnation.

Ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!! I'm DONE!!!!! I was really really sick of this story, so I'm very much relieved. Hope y'all enjoyed it, and thank you to everyone who read and/or reviewed!!! :):):) ~Buffelyn