Leavetakings
By high noon, the whole castle was buzzing with activity as people started to pack. They piled into Sarah's VW van, and started the 5-hour journey to Randland, the most disturbing place on earth
Aviendha sat in the back, wondering who she should stick her knife in first, then decided it would be Rand, and did so. Sarah spun to face them, since Heather was taking the first shift at driving. "You both stop that or I'll use your faces to pound fence posts!" Rand started to protest, but cut off as he felt a hand slide up his thigh. "Thom! Quit it!"
Thom sat looking at him from two seats away with a clueless look on his face. "I didn't do it" Rand looked to either side of him. To his right were Padan Fain, Lan, Aviendha, and Nynaeve. To his left were Moiraine, Be'lal, Thom, and Lanfear. In the seats facing him were Min, Aran-gar, Osan-gar, Perrin, Faile, Mat, and Queen Tylin. Directly behind him were Elayne, Egwene, Lews Therin, the Myrddraal, and the Whitecloak. Facing them were Pocket, Pip, Elaida, Loial and Ajax the jock strap
Rand squinted, and decided that it had to have been Moiraine, and slid his hand up her thigh, and was smacked in response. He rubbed his cheek and shouted "Well, then, who just rubbed my thigh?" Padan Fain made a gagging noise "That was YOUR thigh? Aaack!!!" Sarah turned around and threw the cigarette lighter at Rand. "I said stop it!" Padan Fain continued to twitch.
Avienda decided to start a little trouble. She pinched Lan's bottom and tapped Nynaeve's shoulder at the same time. Nynaeve looked at Lan, and he frowned at her and rubbed where he had been pinched. He was back-handed by Nynaeve. "Don't scratch your butt in public" Lan eyed Aviendha, but she just shrugged. Lan looked at Rand suspiciously, and Rand smiled back. Lan let out a yell and smashed Rand's head into the seat. Aviendha laughed, and Lan rounded on her. She pulled out her short spear, and he pulled out his sword. They were stopped by a squeaking sound coming from the back. A wail followed.
"AAAAAAh! For Light's sake make them stop!"
"NOOOOO!"
"Aaah no! I REPENT!! I'm sorry I'm sorry!"
Sarah barked from the front "Pocket PIP! STOP THAT THIS INSTANT! HEATHER, PULL OVER!" Heather pulled into the driveway of a gas station.
A few minutes later Sarah got back into the car. "There. That's better. If they want to do that sort of thing they can do it in the trunk." Vague thumps drifted forward.. "The sedatives should kick in pretty soon. Does anyone want anything before we leave?" A chorus of no's followed. Heather peeled off,
About 20 minutes later, a vague sloshing sound was coming from the back.
"Heather, I really, REALLY have to go to the bathroom!"
"Dammit Fain, we were just at a gas station!" Padan Fain scrunched up his face in attempt to look pleading. He just succeeded in looking constipated. "But I have to go NOW!" Sarah slammed her head in the glove compartment once, then calmly turned to face Fain. "If you didn't have to go that bad 20 minutes ago, you can wait."
Fain's eyes began to water. "But-"
"No! Now, hold it for another 4 ½ hours."
A few minutes passed in silence. "AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"
Heather veered the car off the side of the road "What what?!?"
"THAT LIGHT CURSED GOAT KISSER MOISTENED THE SEAT!" Heather turned off the engine and calmly walked to the back. She opened the door and hauled Fain out "If you have to go so bad, go in the woods" Padan Fain looked at her as a deer looking into the headlights of a car would. "But-but I don't have to go anymore. . ."
"I SAID GO!" Heather roared and booted him off into the woods. Padan Fain decided this wasn't the time to argue, and dropped his pants.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
"Oooo, his butt is so shiny-bap- ow"
"Ewwwwww" came from the other passengers still in the car. "Ajax! Attack!" Heather commanded. The jock strap leaped to obey. As he ran off, Heather gathered up Padan Fain's pants, breeches she thought disgustedly, and used them to mop up the mess on the seat, then opened the trunk and tossed them in with the trunk's current occupants, who had somehow managed to procure a single lace-trimmed stocking and were busy taking turns pulling it over their heads and sticking their tongues out at each other.
Pip looked up as light flooded the trunk where they were stashed. He giggled shrewdly up at Heather, then lost sight of her as something moist dropped over his eyes. He pulled it off his head and looked at Pocket, then took turns pulling this new piece of material over their heads and sticking their tongues out, which caused a funny taste to enter their mouths, but they didn't connect that with the fact that it was wet, or that it smelled like urine. He looked at Pocket and said "Urine." They both giggled over that for awhile. Heather threw a disgruntled badger in just because, then slammed the trunk and got back into the car to face Sarah. "Are you sure it was sedatives you gave them?" She started the engine and steered back on to the road. They rode in perpetual sanity for a short time, until the Myrddraal lifted it's greasy little head and simpered at Sarah. "What?" she sighed, knowing the answer would probably make a nerve in her brain explode.
"I'm hu-Uh, I miss Padan Fain" Lews Therin giggled, then gave him an odd look, which he did purposely often just to make people wonder about him. Heather slammed on the brakes, sending Be'lal flying up to the front to smash himself against the windshield.
"Should have been wearing your seatbelt" Heather said, but her heart wasn't it in. Her head was filled with rather amusing images of Padan Fain being chased through the woods in his underwear by a rabid jock strap. She looked to Sarah. "We should maybe go back and get him, neh?"
Sarah sighed in resignation. "If we don't, the Myrddraal is going to try to be cute again, and that's just too odd for even them." The characters were all going through some sort of convulsion, and Lews Therin was trying to be cute back, which made the atmosphere of the car like that of a Spice Girls convention, with everyone wondering about the quickest way to end it all. An incredibly disturbing thought occurred to her. She got out and opened the trunk. Sure enough, there were Fain's underwear, twined around both Pocket and Pip's heads. She immediately banished images of Fain running completely naked through the woods being pursued by a rabid jock strap. She shuddered, and closed the trunk on Pip's request to buff her elbows with Fain's underwear. She climbed back in the car, and put it in reverse, instantly running over Fain, who had been running after the car and had just caught up. Lying still as he was, Ajax managed to catch up to Padan Fain and set about gnawing on him. Heather commanded a screechingly protesting Ajax to cover up Fain, and deposited him in the trunk with Pip and Pocket for the trouble he'd caused her, such as making her put a squeaking jock strap on him. She got back in the car and, once again, steered back onto the road. The peace lasted only minutes. The Myrddraal lifted it's head and whimpered.
"What?!?" Sarah demanded.
"I didn't want to say this before, cause I didn't want to be a burden, but, um, I'm, I'm kinda..."
"YES...?"
The Myrddraal sighed and finished in a rush "wellit'sjustthatI'mkindahungry"
Sarah took several deeps breaths before she could continue. "Say it slo-" She was interrupted by a horrible grinding noise from the trunk. Heather and Sarah faced each other. "I hope that's not what I think that is..." Sarah said nervously.
"I put Padan Fain in the trunk. . ." Heather looked back to where the noise was coming from. "You go, Sarah. I had to put a jock strap on Padan Fain"
"Righty-o." Heather pulled into a pit stop and Sarah stepped out, leaving her alone with the occupants in the car. She eyed them in the rear-view mirror suspiciously. "You're all being awfully quiet. . ." Lan stared back at her with a glazed expression. "What's going on?" She turned around to study everyone. Aran-gar was as far back in the seat as she could go. Everyone else wore a hunted look and a wild light in their eyes "Lews Therin! Stop being odd at them! It's bad enough with the Myrddraal!" Lews Therin stopped making sad puppy eyes at everyone, and took the vampire fangs out of his mouth. Sarah got back in the car. "There was a badger in there. Padan Fain ate it" Heather spared a moment of sorrow for the badger, the shifted to first and took off down the highway. Sarah turned to face the Myrddraal. "Now, what were you saying?" The Myrddraal crawled out from under the seat to regard Sarah with a tortured light in his . .. .face. "Well, it's just that...I'm hungry."
"WE WERE JUST AT A PIT STOP! AND BEFORE THAT A GAS STATION! AND YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN SOMETHING BEFORE WE LEFT! WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR AN HOUR!!!! EAT LEWS THERIN!"
The Myrddraal turned to face Lews Therin, and Sarah regarded Heather in the front seat. Heather had the steering wheel firmly clenched in her teeth. "Ummm. . . .do you want me to drive?"
"Sure" Heather said, causing the van to veer wildly to the left. She stopped in front of a 7-11, and the Myrddraal's face was instantly pressed against the window.
Heather sighed. "Yes, you can go in and get something." The Myrddraal peeled his face from the window, leaving a greasy imprint. A cheer erupted from everyone, and they grabbed the money from Heather and piled in the store, everyone except Moiraine, who sat where Be'lal had been silently stapling her dress to the seat. Sarah ripped Moiraine out and sent her off with money. She silently walked to the trunk. Muffled shouts were coming out. "It smells like gas out there!" "Tee hee, gas" "I'll shine your head for a quarter!" "I can't see my NOSE!!!!!!!" Sarah kicked it a couple times, then proceeded to pry Heather's hands from the steering wheel.
Ding ding The small bell announced their arrival to the store. Lan shuddered. "That brings back disturbing memories."