They didn't have to get back in the van, since the Denny's had been stationed right next to a Motel 6, to keep up the standard of excellence someone with a skewered mind had set out to maintain.
Heather hummed the word skewered to herself as she led everyone to the lobby, which was being monitored by a rather large and pimply boy who was avidly watching an episode from Star Trek. The sign on his desk said his name was 'Bois', with the 's' being silent. Heather instantly decided he would do for Berf's new best friend. Heather walked up and rapped her fist against the desk to get his attention. He waved her to silence, his first fatal mistake. Padan Fain decided how he was going to die. Heather carefully positioned herself so that she was sitting on his ample head, and bent down so their eyes met. The boy still refused to acknowledge her presence. She cocked her head to the side, hoping he would catch the motion. He didn't. She cocked her shotgun instead.
"Shhh!," he protested. "Captain Jainway!"
Heather pointed the gun at the character mentioned, and fired. Aran-gar squeezed bulbously out and hit the screen. Bois screeched and surrendered himself, yelling "Don't hurt me, don't hurt me!" Heather conceded not to do him any bodily harm so long as he surrendered all the keys to the rooms and if he would please climb in this sack. He did so, and she wrote 'Tower of Ravens' on the outside.
"What?!?" she exclaimed to the stares she was receiving from everyone.
"Wouldn't it be more....maniacal...to just give it to Loial as a chew toy or something?" The Myrddraal shifted his feet under the stare Heather gave him.
"....I love you," Heather said, beaming at him. "I love him," she told Morgan, who left off giving Dead Cow looks to Aran-gar, who was looking slightly dazed herself. Heather gathered her up for questioning, and they left with their keys. Padan Fain stopped on the way out, nudging the bag with his toe, giggling and muttering, "Hot cheese and onions in a boiling pot of Reeba MacIntyre." (I don't know how to spell it)
They split up into groups, each group given a key to a single room. They had enough rooms for everyone to have one each, since they had ALL the rooms, but some preferred not to be split up.
Faile stared jealously as Perrin's hand brushed Heather's as she handed the key to him. She would mention it later in mind-numbing detail, but decided to leave well enough alone for now, since she had no desire to become a chew toy or have her nipples fall off or any other number of punishments Heather dredged from her Big Book of Things to do to the Reasonably and Terminally Sane, which Faile had begun to suspect she had written herself. She finally dragged Perrin away, into the room number indicated on the key, waiting until they were alone to explode.
"What the HELL were you looking at back there?!?"
Perrin gave her the blank stare that all Two Rivers fathers taught their sons at birth. "Who, Heather?"
Faile smacked him with the Bible lying on the table with the lamp. "I mean Lanfear! Did you think I didn't notice you getting an eyeful?!?"
"Eyeful? Of what? Are you being kinky?" Perrin tried to put his arms around her, but she started to maul his chest with her teeth, and he backed off.
"Of her ASSSSSSSSSSSS!" They heard an answering hiss from the wall next to them. Faile picked Perrin up and used him to pound on it.
Lews Therin and the Myrddraal giggled as vague thumps drifted from the room next to them.
"Wonder what THEY'RE doing in there," Rand mused from his seat on the bed.
Padan Fain knocked his boots together suggestively, and they all giggled. Lews Therin tried to toss popcorn up and catch it in his mouth, but Rand gagged, since he wasn't expecting it. He glared resentfully, and got up to steal more towels from the bathroom, since he had been pilfering them all night.
Lan peered disconsolately into the mirror at his bald face, fingering the smooth spots where his eyebrows used to be. Nynaeve was sitting on the bed running a brush through the course hairs coating her legs. The noise made by the bristles scraping across them sounded like fingers raking down a chalkboard. Giggling, thumping, and other sounds of merriment came from the room above them, where Padan Fain, Rand, Lews Therin and the Myrddraal, at least, seemed to be having some fun. Nynaeve continued stroking her legs smooth, making Lan shudder, blurring his image in the mirror. He deftly slipped out Nynaeve's makeup bag and removed the eyeliner pencil she used to mark off where her eyes were to herself each day. He then began carefully marking in where he guessed his eyebrows used to be. He finished one side, and moved over to the other, when Nynaeve spoke up behind him.
"Lan!?" She screeched expectantly.
His hand jerked, slashing a long black line down his face and into his eye. "Yes dear?" He peered in the mirror at the squiggly thin lines made by his hand trembling at the sounds coming from Nynaeve's legs.
"Do me NOW!"
Lan smiled happily. So she wanted to be intimate. He turned, smiling, and stopped at the look on her face. She was staring at the eyebrows he had tried to draw on. He shifted his feet uncomfortably. He really wanted her to be kinky, but he had probably put her in a homicidal mood again. But instead she smiled, beckoning him closer. He grinned back, and obliged.
Heather sat in the room she shared with Morgan and Sarah, picking at her toenails. She stopped in mid-pluck at a slurping sound from the room next to them, the one Lan and Nynaeve were stationed in. Morgan looked up from where she was attacking a piece of soap with a knife and grinned at Sarah. Sarah sat staring at a stain on the wall, which was disturbingly staring right back. She kicked it, and it yowled, silencing the noises from the adjacent room. Heather nodded satisfactorily, and the stain nodded agreement.
Nynaeve and Lan paused as a keening yowl came from the room next to them, the one Heather, Morgan and Sarah occupied. They waited a moment, and, after assuming whatever had made the sound was not about to come rocketing through the wall, Nynaeve went back to happily licking the eyeliner off of Lan's face.
"Do you think it wants to be friends?" Sarah asked Heather, still staring at the now-smiling stain. Heather peered at it curiously. It peered curiously back.
"I don't know, it's pretty mysterious," Heather said. The stain smiled knowingly. Morgan quietly pulled out a blue crayon she had taken from Denny's. The noises from the other room started up again. The stain started muttering unhappily to itself in third person, and Sarah nodded. Heather shrugged, and continued trying to pull her right pinky toe off. Morgan went back to carving Janet Reno's face into the free soap, and Sarah decided to investigate the drawers in the dressers they had been provided with. She opened them up one by one, but they were all empty. Sarah sighed unhappily.
"I was hoping there would be more free stuff to steal in there."
"Don't don't don't," the stain muttered quietly, "the Mysterious Phantom will report you..."
"Is that your name?" Sarah asked politely. Heather was staring enraptured at the stain, since she had a tendency to fall instantly in love with anything that spoke in third person.
""The Mysterious Phantom is too mysterious..." the stain muttered quietly.
"I'll say," Sarah agreed. Heather had started to creep off the bed and toward the wall. Sarah cocked her head to the side questioningly, and the stain copied her. Morgan giggled, and tore off small strips of the coverlet to make garters for her little Janet Reno. Heather quietly reached up and removed the knife from where Morgan had left it lying on the bed. The stain eyed her nervously. Morgan made her Janet Reno dance up to it and kiss it. It shook it's...stain disgustedly, and Heather jammed her knife in the wall above it. It began to look a trifle more nervous, and spoke hesitantly.
"What are you planning to do to the Mysterious Phantom?" Heather began cutting a circle around where the stain was stationed.
Aran-gar yowled and jumped up from where she had been sitting against the wall, grabbing her butt. Osan-gar looked at her curiously. Aran-gar stared at where a knife was poking through the wall. She shrugged, and said, "At least it wasn't something worse," giving Lanfear a dirty and suggestive smile from where she was sitting on the bed, waxing off her mustache. "You know," she continued, "You should let that grow out and then wax the ends into little points. That could be cool."
Lanfear glared at her and went back to removing her facial hair. Aran-gar shrugged as if to say 'I tried', and sat back against the opposite wall next to Osan-gar, giving him a companionable smile before glaring at him and threatening him with a fist. The knife continued to poke in and out of the wall, moving in a circle until the piece of wall fell out entirely. It landed on their side, and Heather poked her head in through the hole and said "Can you give him back, please? Thanks."
Aran-gar lifted an eyebrow. "Him?"
The piece of wall snarled at her from where it sat on the floor, and Aran-gar tried to back up more. That was, as were all thing connected to Heather, decidedly odd. Heather's head disappeared, and her arm poked in, trying to grab the wall and pull it back. Osan-gar got up and bent over the hole so he could talk through.
"We'll bring it over to you, ok?"
Heather's arm retreated and her face reappeared to smile at him thankfully, then left once again to be replaced by what appeared to be a small figurine of Janet Reno, making amorous noises at the piece of wall in Morgan's voice. Osan-gar smiled, jollying her along, and bent to move the piece of wall closer, whereas it ingested his arm. He screamed, making Lanfear accidentally apply wax all over her face, and flailed about, trying to get the wall off of his arm. It appeared that his arm ended about five inches from his shoulder, simply ending where the wall started. Aran-gar idly wondered where the rest of it went.
Biff/Buck/Hank stared lethargically as yet another warp-hole opened in the kitchen, what appeared to be an arm popping through and waving about, clenching its fist. Biff/Buck/Hank placed his spoon in it to hold while he wiped his arms off on his crusty apron, leaving several scrapes, and dialed a number on the phone in the wall. He waited while it rang. The line opened on the other end.
"Y'ello?" a suicidally cheerful voice said. "Mmmay I help you?"
"Is this Barbara from infomercials on channel five? The one with the fake eyelashes?"
"Mmwhy yes it is it is! Howmay I help you HUUUN?" The voice seemed to be trying to knock Biff/Buck/Hank off his feet with the sheer amount of pink lip gloss in it.
"Didn't you do a special on inter-dimensional warp-holes a week or so back?"
"Oh why yes I did! THANK Yuuu for watchin'!"
"Well, here it is in the kitchen of Denny's. I want it to go away," he whimpered, sniffling.
"AAWW. Well you know, I am justsosorry, I cannort help yuuuu." There was a click as Barbara from infomercials hung up the phone. William Buckley Hartford stared unhappily at it, listening as the operator's voice told him to please hang up, hoping it would comfort him.
Osan-gar giggled, as the stain had started nibbling on his arm, then just as suddenly it made an intriguing noise and coughed his arm up, along with what appeared to be the other end of a gateway. The gateway seemed to rotate, turn inside out, invert itself and finally turn purple, opening to let a figure step out and dust itself off. It smiled gratefully at Osan-gar, turned to Lanfear, bit her, then squeezed in through the hole to Heather's room.
"Who the hell was that?" Aran-gar wondered idly, because she was having an idle day.
"I think I would desperately like to do something with these drawers," Sarah said to herself.
Heather looked up as Devin squeezed through the hole she had made trying to secure the Mysterious Phantom for her company. Devin smiled and dusted herself off.
Sarah glanced up, then decided suddenly she would like to sleep in one of the drawers.
Morgan smiled. "Are you here with the orange juice and croutons I wanted to order from room service? I looooove croutons!" She then glared resentfully at Heather for making her say that. Heather gave her a very bland and underused innocent look. Sarah began to line the bottom of the drawer with towels. Devin dusted herself off again, then again, and finally turned to Morgan, speaking.
"No. But I do have some old ones in my pocket, if you want," Devin said, producing some.
"Oh yes, please and thank you," Morgan said, snatching them, begging Heather with her eyes to stop the insanity. Heather smiled, and stopped. Morgan threw the linty croutons resentfully at Heather, who giggled and fell over, asleep from her long day of inconsistency.
Back in Lews Therin's room, he was wishing for some croutons. Rand stared at him resentfully. He was the reason he wasn't spending the night with Elayne, Min, and Aviendha. That, and the fact that Aviendha had cornered him earlier and requested some alone time with Elayne, so they could 'discuss something of...::shiver:: the utmost importance'. He wasn't one to argue with a woman he wanted to hop in the sack with, so he unwillingly obliged, spending the night instead with Lews Therin and all of his friends, Padan Fain and the Myrddraal. Lews Therin had been more than unwilling to let Rand get alone with any of his love interests, upon learning what he did with them while Lewser was asleep. For some reason, Lews Therin had emphatically vomited when he found out, and had since been making it nearly impossible for Rand to get some, making him sing 'I Got You Babe', and chanting Richard Simmons' name whenever Rand got to feeling steamy, and making it very hard for any of the women to stay 'in the mood'.
Rand glared resentfully at Lewser again, and Lews Therin smiled smugly back, since he knew exactly what Rand was thinking. The thumps had stopped from Faile and Perrin's room, and instead a sound like a cat being petted and beaten with a pole in turn came filtering through.
The following scene in Perrin and Faile's room has been edited for improper conduct. You will have to do what Lews Therin does and use your imagination.
Rand glared at Lewser again, even more resentful that the most thick of all of the ta'veren was getting some with one of the most bitchy people in history, and then, since Lews Therin wasn't being affected by his glares since he was in Rand's head, he simply channeled and made Lews Therin explode.
Elayne looked up from her unpacking as an explosion rocked the building, then hastily look down again as she saw Aviendha sitting on one of the beds opposite her. It would stand to reason Heather would put her in the same room as Min, but the girl had unfortunately included Aviendha, not knowing about the woman's recent…obsession. She pummeled her panties into the bedspread in frustration. Min snorted from her perch on one of the room's two large, cushiony chairs. Elayne glared at her. It had no effect, since Min's face was pressed to something held between her hands, head tilted back, inhaling luxuriously and occasionally a little too enthusiastically. She brought her head down with a sigh to catch Elayne's wondering look.
"What?" she demanded defensively.
"Rand seems to be a bit…petulant," Elayne replied lightly. "Do either of you know why?"
Aviendha gave off staring sullenly at the bedspread and gazed rapturously at Elayne. "Aren't they wonderful?" she breathed.
"I don't know," Min said, "Rand's no Sunday cupcake, but Lews Therin's enough icing himself to make me wanna-!" She left off, cramming whatever she held in her hands back in her face and inhaling deeply.
"I thought I would go up and see what…" Elayne trailed off weakly. Min was glaring at her, and Aviendha was merely looking with no expression on her face. Min shook her head slightly as if arguing with herself, and snorted whatever it was she held, her eyes crossing, one bulging out offensively in Elayne's direction. Aviendha's eyebrows lowered, and she opened her mouth, when the door banged open. Birgitte stumbled in, conveniently knocking over the chair Min was in, and took a seat on the bed next to Elayne.
"Hi chicks." She grinned impudently at Aviendha, who glared murderously at her. Elayne wafted her panties in Birgitte's face to get her attention.
"Aahh-GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!!!!" Birgitte fell off the bed, and hit the opposite wall, writhing, twitching, gagging, and overall giving a less than favorable opinion of the condition of Elayne's underwear.
"Umm….would you do a favor for me?" Elayne addressed Birgitte's inert form. She sat up.
"What?"
Elayne slipped off the bed and whispered in her ear. The woman had the nerve to look affronted!
"No I will not!" Birgitte looked scandalized and titillated all at once.
Elayne leaned over to whisper something else. Min caught the words 'Lews Therin', and Birgitte's face brightened. She nodded, and slipped out the door, casually backhanding Min into the ceiling on her way out, making it seem accidental. Aviendha sighed again, and gazed into Elayne's face intently. Elayne hastily got up and excused herself.
Birgitte stalked down the hall toward the window Lews Therin was peering out of. He smelt something rotten. And it probably was the Myrddraal. Lews Therin suddenly shot up into the air, yowling and twisting to land on the Myrddraal's head, scratching with his toenails, making the thing purr. He liked dramatic entrances, even if most people didn't, and if they failed to make one, he did it for them. A hesitant knock came at the door. Lews Therin wondered how he knew. Padan Fain sauntered casually over to the door and ran into it, sticking. Rand opened them, admitting Birgitte, looking resentfully at Rand for some reason. She sighed and positioned herself on the bed.
"All right," she said, "Let's drop the pretense."
Lews Therin gave the Myrddraal a wondering look.
"We both know Elayne wants your ass," Birgitte continued; Rand looked stupidly surprised, "so she asked me to come up here and……share the sensation, since she can't have you in person." Rand grinned. "But the truth is I hate your funky, botulism-infected ass. I'd rather screw the sticky floor at the bowling alley," Lews Therin nodded, "but she said something to the effect of what goes around comes around, and to confuse you and make a long story short, I have to go bonk Lews Therin now." Saying so, she grabbed him by the arm and hauled him out of the room, into a passing laundry tub.
"DAMN!" Rand hopped in whiney little circles. "I'm STILL not getting any because of him!"
Lanfear snuck out of the room where Osan-gar had been trying to stuff Aran-gar through the hole in order to reach the little soap-carved Janet Reno. She knew where she was going. She fingered her patchy eyebrows. Of all the humiliation she had to endure. She had decided earlier that if a thing had to be endured, some good could be found in it. So she had made up her mind to use the dollar Berf had given her to buy an Oh Henry, and then go and rape Lews Therin. She strode purposefully down the hall, picking pieces of hair-studded wax off of her face. A small and well-padded woman came down the hall opposite her, wearing the blue and white striped uniform of a maid, and pushing a laundry cart. Lanfear coolly ignored her. As the maid passed by, a voice pitched low so as not be heard called to her.
"Psst!" Lanfear looked at the maid. The voice seemed, inexplicably, to be coming from her crotch. The maid stopped at Lanfear's look, and cleared her throat politely.
"Yes? May I help you?" She began to shift nervously under Lanfear's intense scrutiny of where she thought the voice had come from.
Lanfear gave a start and came to. "Wha? Oh! No, I was just out for a candy bar and a brief forced act of sexual intercourse."
The maid paled, obviously thinking Lanfear had meant the last part for her, and with a lurch took off, pushing the laundry cart. It rocked from side to side, and the voice came again, this time Lanfear realizing that the laundry cart was where the voice was coming from. She hurried purposefully toward it, making the maid run far, far away. Lanfear peered in at the tangle of Birgitte and Lews Therin at the bottom amidst dirty bedding. Birgitte crawled out, adjusting her coat.
"Hey! Whaddup?" She said, using an ancient form of speech they three were familiar with.
Off in another room, Rebecca smacks a hand to her forehead in dismay at the horrible joke, dislodging some wrinkles which float silently and lightly to the floor.
Lanfear peered at Lews Therin eyeing her blearily. Birgitte studied her for a moment.
"Hey, I have a proposition for you…" She related the task Elayne had burdened her with, and her reluctance to do it. " So, um….Hey, I don't wanna, so I'll hold him down for you if you do."
Lanfear's eyes brightened, and Lews Therin began to mewl, and scurried out of the laundry cart. Birgitte casually smacked him back in, and hopped in with him to get a better purchase on his shoulders. Lanfear rubbed her hands together gleefully.
"But wait…" Lanfear said, climbing in, "What good is my raping Lews Therin to Elayne?"
"Well, I'll just go off and find someone else, but Elayne'll feel Lews Therin occupied, and assume it's me."
"Who are you going after?"
Birgitte smiled.
Thom had his finger crammed up his nose, and was twirling it idly. Suddenly, the door to his room banged open, admitting the Myrddraal goose-stepping in, completely naked. Thom screeched, slightly nasally, since his finger was still up his nose. Moiraine came darting out of the bathroom, clutching a ter'angreal in one fist. When she saw the Myrddraal, she chucked the thing at it's head. It caught it easily, and stood staring at it in it's hand. Thom cleared his throat.
"Uh, ahem. Um, why are you naked?"
The Myrddraal started. "Huh? What? Nakewd?" It looked down at itself suspiciously. "Oh, yes. I seem to have not any of my clothes on. I went to the gas station across the street next to Denny's to look for a packet of cigarettes."
"That's a real bad habit, you know," Thom put in.
The Myrddraal shrugged. "There's benefits to being nearly impossible to kill. Besides, I'd like to have a little hole in my throat," it rasped. It paused, nodding sagely. "I've been bitten by a small prostitute," it said.
Moiraine choked on the wine she had been making in the bathtub. "Wh-what?!"
"Mmmmm, yes. At least, that's what I recall. She might have just been getting gas."
Moiraine shook her head, and Thom wiped off his face where he had been sprayed with wine. "Moiraine, are you using Elaida to ferment that crap?"
"Um……yes. I'm sorry," Moiraine apologized.
"And I'M a STUD!" the Myrddraal informed them.
"That's nice," came a tiny, droll voice from the bathroom.
"Shut up and ferment!" Moiraine ordered.
"Yes, you are," came a voice from the doorway. Birgitte stood there, eyeing the Myrddraal, his cloak dangling from one of her fists.
"Ah-HA!" the Myrddraal exclaimed, pointing gleefully at his clothes. He turned to Thom. "THERE they are!"
Thom smiled at Birgitte. "Funny, she doesn't look all that small to me." Birgitte gave him a confused look, then hit him with her breast.
"Hell yeah!" The Myrddraal cheered them on, but was stopped short as Birgitte seized him and started dragging him out of the room. The Myrddraal waved at them. "Well, bye."
Birgitte smiled at him, and they disappeared around a corner.
Thom shook his head ruefully, and Moiraine took that opportunity to pounce on him and try to force her wine into his throat, succeeding in getting some in his ear
"Mmmm….weeeeeet," Lews Therin giggled quietly to himself from his seat on the Myrddraal's head.
Birgitte gave him a curious stare. "Where'd you come from?"
Lews Therin quickly reviewed the events of the last few minutes. "Oh, right! Lanfear." He put on a solemn expression. "I fear she was attacked by a bout of alcohol induced impotence, and couldn't rape me after all."
Birgitte peered at the clothes she still held in her fist, and wondered how Lews Therin had managed to get on top of the Myrddraal's head while she was taking it's clothes off.
"Well, in any case," she said, snapping the Myrddraal's eyelids "that should be about that for little miss Elayne of Andor."
"Mew?" Lews Therin tilted his head at a 45 degree angle questioningly. Birgitte explained. "If Elayne feels everything I feel personally, and she's stuck in the room with those other two horny harridans, then she could theoretically order me to do Rand, so it would almost like getting him in person. But-"
"You'd rather screw the sticky floor of the bowling alley." Lews Therin began to weep silently
"Exactly. So I thought I'd take you instead, since you're a stud, but then Lanfear came along, so I gave you to her, since you and Rand are basically the same. So then I could theoretically go find the Myrddraal, bonk him while he's not looking, have you occupied by Lanfear, and Elayne'll feel me with the Myrddraal, sense you, who she thinks is Rand, and assume I'm theoretically carrying out her theoretical orders."
Lews Therin put his nose in the Myrddraal's hair and snorted his scalp flakes.
Birgitte gagged, and chucked them both off the side of the balcony. She then put her hands in her pockets and happily strolled back to the room she and Elayne shared.
Egwene sat on a stool in Elayne's room, since she had been invited, brushing her hair. Min and Aviendha were as far away from each other as they could get and still be in the same room. Aviendha had even gone as far as carving a hollow in the wall with her spear to be even further away from Min. Egwene refused to be the peacemaker, and simply focused her attention on getting the weeds and built-up soot out of her matted and snarled mane. Elayne was usually the one to settle any tiffs between the two women, but she was in the bathroom, and had been for some time. When Egwene had first arrived, Min had been stuck to the ceiling, and Aviendha had been drawing two arched lines on the lampshade and sighing tremulously to herself. She had guiltily hid the pencil behind her back and blushed when Egwene had walked in, hurriedly telling her that Elayne had just entered the bathroom. Egwene had since decided to stay the night in their room, since her room was occupied by Elaida and Loial.
Her brush suddenly halted in mid-stroke as a high pitched squeal came from the bathroom. She shuddered, figuring Elayne had gotten hold of that nasty red ter'angreal again. The one that was firm rather than hard, hot, and rounded at both ends. She had seen Aviendha sneaking it into her bags before they left. She peered over at Aviendha. She was bent backward so she could reach the ceiling of her little cave, and was drawing those two thin lines again, murmuring 'spectacular' to herself over and over.
The door burst open to admit Elayne's warder, wearing a red spandex shirt and 4 inch heels. Since the door happened to be the point furthest away from Aviendha's cave, Min was slammed against the wall. Birgitte apparently took no notice
"Hey," she greeted Egwene, throwing herself into a chair. The chair tipped backwards, spilling her onto the floor almost immediately. She righted the chair, and crawled back in again. "Where's Elayne?"
Egwene shot up off her chair and out the door. Birgitte stared at the stool for a moment before shaking her head and turning to Aviendha. "You're a little boy, aren't you?"
Aviendha gave a start and hid her drawings with her body. "What, Birgitte Trahlion?" she said, a touch breathlessly.
"I said, where's Elayne?"
Aviendha's brows lowered defensively. "My near-sister is a grown woman, and she-" She was cut off as the door to the bathroom slid open and Elayne walked happily and lethargically out. She stopped when her eyes fell on Birgitte, widening. "What are YOU doing here?!?"
Birgitte gave her a patient look. "Catching my breath, stupid."
"But Rand's stil-" Elayne cut off with a squeak. "Why that DIRTY SON OF A-"
"Cool it, Elayne" Min's statement was slightly muffled by the door. She pushed it away, and grinned at the room. "He's probably got a ter'angreal of his own."
Elayne fumed to herself for a moment.
"Come on," Min said casually, "I mean, you especially should know, eh Aviendha? You were by his side constantly, you know his habits" Aviendha stared bloody murder at Min. Birgitte looked confused. It was into this that Rand himself strolled.
He stopped at the door, shifting his boots nervously, since he appeared to be wearing only a towel. "Hey, um, have any of you seen my boxer shorts?"
"Eh?" Birgitte looked questioningly at Elayne, who was staring wonderingly at Rand.
"But, how are you-?" Elayne fumbled, "What am I-? What the hell?" Rand looked confused. Min tried to hide something she held clutched in her fist behind her back. The movement attracted Rand's notice, and he stared at her accusingly.
"YOU have them!" He dove toward her, and tried to wrench them from her grasp. She hung on, yowling. He put his boot in her face, pushing, finally freeing his panties from her grip. She launched herself at him, pressing her nose to them and inhaling deeply before he fended her off, holding her at bay with one hand. "What's WITH you?!?" She thrust her nose closer to him, snorting. "Eww! Go away!" He turned to run out the door, and collided with Egwene, coming back in. She casually hiked up her skirts and punted him over her head, out the door, Min still clinging tenaciously to his panties. She stalked in the room, sitting back down on the stool and carefully pulling out her stole, which she settled around her shoulders, turning to face Birgitte.
"You will address me as Mother, warder."
"Whuh?"
Elayne still looked confused. "Wait….how is it that Rand is still, but he was just…and…"
Birgitte gave her a very patient look. "Lews Therin."
"Oh…" Everyone in the room sighed.
Rand sailed over the railing, Min in tow, landing on a dirty Tercel parked in the driveway. Rand shook his head to clear it from the effects of falling three stories and landing your head on dented metal. When he could see again, he noticed a large burly woman sitting in the driver's seat, indeed filling the whole cab, with the steering wheel held in a deathgrip in two meaty hands. She slowly reached down to open the door, and laboriously oozed out of the cab, wiggling and making a heavy suction noise as the last of her rolls came free.
"You were at the Store earlier, wa'en't ya?"
"Uh…what store?"
The woman raised one fifty pound fist and bashed his head into the carburetor.
"Don' gimme no lip!"
Rand picked his lips off the fender in compliance.
"Jes anser the question!"
Rand thought. "Uh….sure."
The hefty woman nodded heavily to herself, then rolled her way to the front office, making the water in the swimming pool ripple in a somewhat Jurassic Park effect.
Rand pushed himself out of the motor and noticed that while he had been in the engine Min had run off with his panties again.
Min tapped happily down the hall, huffing Rand's panties, and heading to the elevator for some….private time.
Rand succeeded in peeling himself from the car, finally, and decided to walk over to the pool to see if the amount of bugs in it had turned it into a solid mass. The pool merely had the consistency of Jello, so he looked hurriedly around and, seeing no one, dropped his towel and made ready to dive in. Suddenly, he halted and fell over, as he was bombarded with sensations from all three of his Warders. He sat up and tried to focus on one at a time. He unfortunately chose Min first. He froze, crimson flooding his face before an evil grin buried it. He used the bond to locate her and maybe thwart Lews Therin's attempts to keep him chaste after all.
Elayne screamed in pure terror and raced around the room pursued by Aviendha, who was panting after her and cooing sweet nothings at her ass. Apparently, she had suddenly decided to consummate their relationship while Elayne wasn't looking. Birgitte sat in the corner holding her sides and laughing uproariously. Egwene had resumed brushing her hair, and the subsequent ripping noises had drowned out Elayne's pleas for help, so she was oblivious to all.
Heather's inert form slowly rose in the dark room where she and Morgan were sleeping, and floated out the window toward the room where Elayne was begging for sweet mercy.
Aviendha held two fake eyebrows clutched firmly in one sweaty hand, and tried desperately to catch up to Elayne and her eyebrows. They WERE wonderful, as she had commented earlier, but no one had understood at the time. Elayne had been taunting her since the trip began, stroking her eyebrows, furrowing them, moving them about in all sorts of ways, flaunting them right in front of Aviendha. Well, she would be baited no more. She couldn't stand the teasing. She surreptitiously reached down and patted her belt pouch where her electric razor had been carefully hidden earlier. It would end tonight.
Heather's sleeping form levitated into the room, causing everyone to freeze. Her eyes suddenly popped open, and she launched herself while in midair, straight for Aviendha
"I SAID NO NEAR-SISTERING!"
Aviendha obediently fell to the floor under Heather's attack, and lay there satisfyingly unconscious. Heather dusted her feet purposefully and strode out of the room, falling down asleep promptly, three feet from the door.
Elayne leaned against the doorframe, panting heavily, trying desperately to catch her breath. Birgitte was still hawing at her. She glared at her, and stole some of her strength using the bond, then stuck her tongue out at her. Birgitte slumped to the floor, and glared at her back, lacking the strength to even get up and pound her head in. Elayne dusted her mind purposefully, and turned to find Aviendha, off of the floor and glaring at her. There was a click, and the hum of electricity filled the room. Aviendha held up the razor menacingly in front of Elayne's face.
"It ends tonight."
Oh Light, thought Elayne, she's going to kill me
She screamed as Aviendha threw herself at Elayne, grabbing her head in one hand to hold it steady. Birgitte stirred weakly and put her hand forward to dig her fingernails into the carpet. "Hey, you, stoppit."
Aviendha tackled Elayne easily, and slammed a shield between her and the Source. As Elayne saw the razor inch closer to her face, she had a sudden inexplicable craving for a bagel and pickle.
With one swipe of her hand Aviendha's task was completed.
Elayne sat up, putting a hand to her face wonderingly. "That's it?"
Aviendha pointed the razor at her for effect. "You will no longer flaunt your perfect eyebrows around like a dirty trollop!"
Elayne frowned, trying to furrow her headbumps. "A what?"
Aviendha grinned darkly. "Who do you think Rand will want now?"
Elayne thought on this, then smiled to herself and chuckled. "Well, now my face is kissably smooth."
Aviendha put her head back and howled unhappily.
Birgitte pulled herself forward with her fingernails and weakly scratched Aviendha's ankles. "Take that."
Aviendha kicked her away and stalked out of the room.
Elayne peered into the mirror over Egwene's shoulder. "I hope I don't get ingrown hairs…"
"What!?" Egwene shouted.
Min sat in the elevator, fingering…..
Rand's panties and contemplating how she was going to spend the rest of the evening. She smiled, unlacing her breeches while sliding a long, cylindrical object out of her pocket and getting to work with it, when suddenly the door of the elevator slid open. She launched to her feet, unfortunately leaving her breeches around her knees. Birgitte came stalking through the door dragging the Myrddraal clutching a ter'angreal with Lews Therin on his head. Birgitte's eyes narrowed at Min's half-nakedness. "What ARE you doing in here all by yourself?"
Min shifted her feet guiltily, and stared at the ground. "Um…" Crimson flooded her face.
Birgitte leaned forward to stare slightly below Min's midsection. "Are you…? Have you been-"
"She's drawing male naughty bits on her panties!!!" The Myrddraal howled happily. Lews Therin uncrossed his eyes and peered at her.
"So she is! Who wants bunt cake?"
"Shut up Lewser." Birgitte suddenly grinned. "Need help?"
Min smiled shyly. Birgitte pressed the button for the roof and the elevator doors slid shut.
Rand arrived at the elevator shaft, panting slightly at his small pathetic trek up the stairs. He pressed the button for the second floor and patiently waited for the elevator to descend, bringing him his love.
Heather's head shot up from where it had been resting comfortably on her arms. "Ok now I'm done." She got up and walked idly down the hall, jingling the set of keys in her hand, determined to check on everyone even if it killed her.
Rand stood next to the door shifting his feet urgently, since the sensations from Min were getting rather….frantic. He really didn't think he could stand another day staying chaste. "Grrrr!" he yelled, pounding on the door in frustration, "Don't start without meeee!"
"Righty-o Batman." Rand screamed like a mama's boy and spun to face Heather, resplendent with a large armprint across her face. "What do you think you're doing here, boy?"
Rand whined and pointed to the door with little fist-sized dents in it. "Min's horny and-"
"I seem not to care.." Heather turned and walked away.
Rand hopped up and down impatiently. "And I'm gonna POP!!!"
Suddenly and blessedly, the little light above the doors came on, and they opened on Birgitte, Lewser, and the Myrddraal, all wearing large grins. Tears came to Rand's eyes, not because the Myrddraal's white ass was naked, but because the sensations from Min had ceased. Rage filmed Rand's eyes, and he darted into the elevator to confront those who he was sure had thwarted his chance at getting laid. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?"
"Who, Alfred?" Everyone looked at the Myrddraal, the one who had spoken.
"No, Alfred, not you." Birgitte turned her attention back to Rand. "Well……"
"What?!?"
"Welllllllll……."
"WHAT?!?"
"You're not gonna liikkee ittttt……"
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MIN?"
"Eeee hee heee heee!" Lewser giggled insanely. "We tied her up and drew manly bits on her panties and scraped a hole in Loial's ceiling and then we attached her to a rope and…" Lews Therin took a breath and demonstrated his next sentence with a hand movement, "We done..loooooowwwerrrrrrrred her iiiiiiinnnnnnnnn"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
Rand pounded the button for the third floor, the one Egwene, Elaida and Loial shared, and shot out the door once it opened. Just as it was sliding shut, his hand caught one of the doors and he leaned in menacingly. "I'll deal with all of you later."
The door closed, and Birgitte smiled at Lews Therin. "How bout we save him the trouble and do it ourselves?"
"Pooooop," Lewser said, staring at his bootsole.
I'm full of whimsy! I know it's been nearly a year since I worked on this thing, but HAHA knaves! HERE COMES THE FUN!!! I shall be working on it/finishing it soon. I'll also be converting it into multi-chapter form soon, for the ease of reading.
Have multiples.