Chapter 7-
Malcolm sat in Trip's quarters, looking at the computer screen that held the duty roster for engineering for the next two weeks. He shook his head envisioning Trip working the schedules out while he ate his dinner. He glanced away and his eyes set on the picture lying face down on the bedshelf. He knew what picture it was, since he had seen it several times before. It was the picture of Trip and Captain Archer right after Trip made commander. With arms around each other they both smiled from ear to ear. That picture, which he surmised had been a source of comfort to Trip in the past, was now only a painful reminder of the friendship that had been stretched to the limits.
The chime shook Reed out of his thoughts and he looked toward the door instinctively. He redirected his attention to the closed bathroom door, but when Trip didn't emerge he got up and pressed the panel.
Archer was stunned to see Reed on the other side of the door. From the lieutenant's expression the reaction was shared.
"Malcolm," Archer nodded.
"Captain," Reed returned the nod. "He's in the lavatory."
"I'll wait out here if you'll go ask if he'll see me." Archer said.
"Malcolm?" Trip's voice called out from inside the room.
Malcolm turned and saw Trip standing in the bathroom doorway.
"It's the captain." Reed told Trip.
Trip's eyes widened and he took a deep breath. "Oh." Trip whispered. "Let 'im in."
Reed stepped aside and Archer entered. Trip shut off the bathroom light but leaned in the doorway, his body tensing.
"I'll be going then?" Malcolm looked toward Tucker.
Trip stared at Jon, who's eyes had fixed on him right from the instant he could see him. Trip nodded to Malcolm, who quietly slipped out of the room.
Jon broke the gaze and turned his attention to Trip's computer. He walked over to the desk, slowly, and noticed Trip move farther away.
"Phlox still hasn't released you for duty, yet." Jon said.
"I know, I just was sittin' 'round and got bored." Trip said. "I didn't exert myself any. Just figurin' out the schedule for the next couple of weeks."
Jon hung his head, then raised it and turned around quickly. "I'm sorry, Trip."
"Cap'n ya don't have ta..."
"No, no." Jon cut him off. "This is all off the record. Don't call me captain or sir. Hell, I don't deserve it right now, anyhow."
"Doc said it was some kinda emotion reverser." Trip rolled his eyes. "Said what we were feelin' was the opposite...Well, ya know. Whatever that means."
"The complete opposite, Trip." Jon corrected. "And to the extreme."
There was pause as Trip moved to his bed. Jon stood his ground and when Trip passed by he finally saw the marks on the younger man's back that he had put there. He closed his eyes and felt his stomach turn.
Trip carefully stretched out, on his side, on the bed. He propped his head up by one hand and with the other motioned for Jon to sit, which he did.
"I--I don't know what else to say." Jon stammered. "I'm sorry's all I can think of right now. And I know it's not much."
"I didn't mean what I said in the gym last night. I don't hate you." Trip said in a hushed voice.
"No, not now, I hope." Jon replied. "But you did then. Hell, you had every right to. I'd just told you I was going to...hurt you."
"No, not you!" Trip raised his voice and sat up, causing him to tense his back and bite his lower lip.
"Trip." Jon leaned forward in his seat.
"It wasn't you." Trip shook his head. "It was that damn spice."
"It was me," Jon stressed. "In that it was my hands."
"And it was my mouth that said all those things about ya not bein' fit for command..." Trip couldn't finish. He drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them burying his head.
Jon got up, cautiously walking to the bed. He sat down and, without thinking, placed his hand on Trip's arm. Trip flinched and then relaxed in resignation.
"If I could take it back," Jon's strained voice forced out. "God knows I would. But I can't. And don't you think I've been going over it in my mind all day? Wondering why the hell I didn't stop myself?"
"You couldn't anymore than I could stop what I was sayin' and feelin' about you." Trip mumbled. "I know that."
"But it doesn't make it any easier to take, does it?" Jon asked, now scooting back on the bed to get a good look at Trip's back. "I won't ask for your forgiveness, Trip. Because that would require your complete trust in me again, as a friend. And I don't even know if that's possible."
There was an uneasy pause as Jon stared at the floor. Trip said nothing and remained perfectly still. Jon was hoping for some sign, at least in body language, to let him know there was a chance to get his best friend back.
"I keep wonderin'." Trip sighed. "What if a little bit of what we were feelin' was in there, somewhere? Ya know, magnified or distorted as it mighta been."
"I've thought that, too." Jon admitted. "But I don't really believe that. I can't."
Trip nodded, having come to that conclusion already. He just needed to hear it out loud from Jon for reinforcement. "So, what do we do now?" Trip asked, still leaning his forehead on his knees.
"We need to clear the air between us." Jon told him. "And we have to be perfectly honest with one another."
"We always have been." Trip lifted his head now. "I mean, maybe we didn't always say everythin', but we never lied to each other."
"I know. That's why I need to tell you this." Jon clasped his hands together nervously. "I never, ever, not for one second, have regretted you being on this mission. This ship needs you and the crew needs your unique outlook on things."
"For a tight-lipped Brit, Malcolm's got a big mouth." Trip said in surprise.
"He was just being a friend, Trip." Jon said. "More than what I've shown you in the last few days. But in the past, I know that, at times, I tended to be protective when it came to you." Jon continued. "But that's got nothing to do with your abilities as chief engineer or your abilities as a leader. It's me."
"I always try to do my best. Always have in everythin' I've ever done." Trip lowered himself back onto his side and placed his head on his pillow. "But, when you're 'round, I also wanna do my best for you. So you're proud of me. 'cept all I end up doin' is messin' up somehow."
"It's not because of you, Trip. The things that have happened to you are just chance. They could have happened to anyone."
"Yeah? Anyone didn't get knocked up by playin' some alien pebbles' game, or nearly freak out from bein' invaded by a slime creature!"
"Trip, don't do this." Jon warned. "You're a very intense person. You're a reactor. I know that and that's what makes you the best damned chief engineer I know. But, it's also why you get consumed by anxiety in certain instances."
"And you've always been there to talk me through." Trip looked up at Jon. "So, what happens when you're not there? Maybe I'm the one not fit for any kinda command."
Jon realized that Trip was doubting himself. But was he doubting his ability to be in control because of the emotion reverser, the whipping, or had it always been there?
"You know better than that." Jon said carefully, sliding off of the bed and kneeling next to it.
"Do I?" Trip asked, drawing his legs up to his chest. "What if I didn't stop ya 'cuz I was just plain scared of ya? I was backed into a corner and I gave into my fear. What if those were deep rooted emotions, Jon? Yours and mine?" Trip asked, his eyes filling with tears.
"I get a little angry when you smart mouth me in front of the crew, I'll admit." Jon told him. "Subtle though it may be."
"And I get mad when you patronize me in front of the others." Trip admitted. "Warranted as it may be." Trip sniffed back a sob. "See what I mean?"
"No," Jon shook his head. "You're reading it all wrong, Trip. Good Lord, do you believe, even a little, that I wanted to hurt you like that?" The brief silence that followed made Jon very uneasy.
"Not anymore." Trip finally said. "Do ya think I really meant any of those things I said?"
Jon sighed. "I did, but not now."
"You know all the times I've been smart-mouthed, I never meant no disrespect." Trip stretched out now, feeling a little more secure. "But I promise I'll watch it. 'Cuz I really respect the hell outta ya. Ya gotta believe me, Jon."
"I do." Jon replied. "And you've got to know how much I..." He looked away, trying to remain controlled. "How much I care about you. You're the only family I've got..."
Jon's voice broke and he leaned back on his knees. Trip watched Jon, not moving to console him. He didn't really know what to do since he'd never seen Jon this overcome with emotion. And to know that the emotion was because of himself made Trip uncomfortable. Also, there was the hurt deep inside of him that didn't want to let Jon off the hook so easily. It may not be right, Trip thought, but it's how he felt. He was now seeing just how much Jon felt about him. This was territory they had never explored. He wondered if their friendship could be a continuing detriment to them on this mission.
"What if ya have to send me out to my possible death one time and I don't make it?" Trip blurted out. Jon's head snapped up and his watery eyes glared back at Trip. "I have no doubts that ya could, if the situation were critical. And I have no doubts that I would go. But, what about afterwards? How would you handle that?"
"Damn." Jon cursed. Here it was. This was where they ended up. Having to profess their deepest emotions and then confront them. He thought just facing Trip after what he'd done to him was the hardest thing he had ever done.
"I know, I know," Trip continued. "It's all part of the job and we know it..."
"I don't know." Jon quietly replied.
"What?"
"I honestly don't know how I would handle that." Jon thoughtfully said. "Probably not very well. At first, anyway. But I'd know that you died doing what you loved doing. That you took your job just as seriously as I do."
Trip sat up and Jon stared at him, unsure of what he would say.
"And you'd be right." Trip said with conviction while feeling a strength he could only attribute to the man before him. "And you'd know that I wouldn't want ya to blame yourself. Just 'cuz of all that. It was my choice to join Starfleet, my choice to do this."
Jon nodded in agreement. "Case closed?"
"Not yet." Trip said, scooting to sit at the side of the bed. "Can I get a hug here?"
A smile, much welcome to Trip and much needed for Jon, tugged at the corner of the older man's mouth. He pulled up on his knees and met Trip half way into a warm and firm bear hug. Jon wrapped his arms around Trip's waist and Trip wrapped his tightly around Jon's back.
"So, are we on our way to being okay here?" Jon asked.
"It hurts, Jon." Trip's voice wavered. "Not just physically. It hurts still, but I don't blame ya. It's just gonna take time, okay?"
"Okay." Jon tried to pull away, but Trip still hung on.
When Trip finally released his grip, Jon stood up and Trip followed his lead rising to his feet.
"Call me if you need anything." Jon told him as they both reached the door.
"I will." Trip replied. "Jon?" Jon stopped and turned to face Trip, his hand on the panel.
"It's okay, Trip." Jon assured him. "It'll be okay. And one day, maybe we won't even be able to remember ever feeling like that. Good night."
"Night." Trip watched the door close behind Jon. Part of him, a large part, wished that they could have been totally at ease with one another.
He slowly shuffled over to his bed and stared at the turned down photograph. A thoughtful smile replaced the pensive expression on his face and he carefully stood up the picture on the shelf. He and Jon were smiling in a captured moment of happier times, clearly defining a friendship that he knew now could never be erased. It wasn't all good yet. It wouldn't be for a long time, he thought. But at least it was possible to get that way... someday.
THE END
A/N: Thank you for the encouragement and support. Hope you weren't disappointed. I know many of you wanted Trip to knock Jon on his rear, but I don't think he would've at the point they were when they had their meeting. Keep your stories coming and continuing! (Sethoz, you hear me?!) I miss not seeing new chapters and new stories.
Malcolm sat in Trip's quarters, looking at the computer screen that held the duty roster for engineering for the next two weeks. He shook his head envisioning Trip working the schedules out while he ate his dinner. He glanced away and his eyes set on the picture lying face down on the bedshelf. He knew what picture it was, since he had seen it several times before. It was the picture of Trip and Captain Archer right after Trip made commander. With arms around each other they both smiled from ear to ear. That picture, which he surmised had been a source of comfort to Trip in the past, was now only a painful reminder of the friendship that had been stretched to the limits.
The chime shook Reed out of his thoughts and he looked toward the door instinctively. He redirected his attention to the closed bathroom door, but when Trip didn't emerge he got up and pressed the panel.
Archer was stunned to see Reed on the other side of the door. From the lieutenant's expression the reaction was shared.
"Malcolm," Archer nodded.
"Captain," Reed returned the nod. "He's in the lavatory."
"I'll wait out here if you'll go ask if he'll see me." Archer said.
"Malcolm?" Trip's voice called out from inside the room.
Malcolm turned and saw Trip standing in the bathroom doorway.
"It's the captain." Reed told Trip.
Trip's eyes widened and he took a deep breath. "Oh." Trip whispered. "Let 'im in."
Reed stepped aside and Archer entered. Trip shut off the bathroom light but leaned in the doorway, his body tensing.
"I'll be going then?" Malcolm looked toward Tucker.
Trip stared at Jon, who's eyes had fixed on him right from the instant he could see him. Trip nodded to Malcolm, who quietly slipped out of the room.
Jon broke the gaze and turned his attention to Trip's computer. He walked over to the desk, slowly, and noticed Trip move farther away.
"Phlox still hasn't released you for duty, yet." Jon said.
"I know, I just was sittin' 'round and got bored." Trip said. "I didn't exert myself any. Just figurin' out the schedule for the next couple of weeks."
Jon hung his head, then raised it and turned around quickly. "I'm sorry, Trip."
"Cap'n ya don't have ta..."
"No, no." Jon cut him off. "This is all off the record. Don't call me captain or sir. Hell, I don't deserve it right now, anyhow."
"Doc said it was some kinda emotion reverser." Trip rolled his eyes. "Said what we were feelin' was the opposite...Well, ya know. Whatever that means."
"The complete opposite, Trip." Jon corrected. "And to the extreme."
There was pause as Trip moved to his bed. Jon stood his ground and when Trip passed by he finally saw the marks on the younger man's back that he had put there. He closed his eyes and felt his stomach turn.
Trip carefully stretched out, on his side, on the bed. He propped his head up by one hand and with the other motioned for Jon to sit, which he did.
"I--I don't know what else to say." Jon stammered. "I'm sorry's all I can think of right now. And I know it's not much."
"I didn't mean what I said in the gym last night. I don't hate you." Trip said in a hushed voice.
"No, not now, I hope." Jon replied. "But you did then. Hell, you had every right to. I'd just told you I was going to...hurt you."
"No, not you!" Trip raised his voice and sat up, causing him to tense his back and bite his lower lip.
"Trip." Jon leaned forward in his seat.
"It wasn't you." Trip shook his head. "It was that damn spice."
"It was me," Jon stressed. "In that it was my hands."
"And it was my mouth that said all those things about ya not bein' fit for command..." Trip couldn't finish. He drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them burying his head.
Jon got up, cautiously walking to the bed. He sat down and, without thinking, placed his hand on Trip's arm. Trip flinched and then relaxed in resignation.
"If I could take it back," Jon's strained voice forced out. "God knows I would. But I can't. And don't you think I've been going over it in my mind all day? Wondering why the hell I didn't stop myself?"
"You couldn't anymore than I could stop what I was sayin' and feelin' about you." Trip mumbled. "I know that."
"But it doesn't make it any easier to take, does it?" Jon asked, now scooting back on the bed to get a good look at Trip's back. "I won't ask for your forgiveness, Trip. Because that would require your complete trust in me again, as a friend. And I don't even know if that's possible."
There was an uneasy pause as Jon stared at the floor. Trip said nothing and remained perfectly still. Jon was hoping for some sign, at least in body language, to let him know there was a chance to get his best friend back.
"I keep wonderin'." Trip sighed. "What if a little bit of what we were feelin' was in there, somewhere? Ya know, magnified or distorted as it mighta been."
"I've thought that, too." Jon admitted. "But I don't really believe that. I can't."
Trip nodded, having come to that conclusion already. He just needed to hear it out loud from Jon for reinforcement. "So, what do we do now?" Trip asked, still leaning his forehead on his knees.
"We need to clear the air between us." Jon told him. "And we have to be perfectly honest with one another."
"We always have been." Trip lifted his head now. "I mean, maybe we didn't always say everythin', but we never lied to each other."
"I know. That's why I need to tell you this." Jon clasped his hands together nervously. "I never, ever, not for one second, have regretted you being on this mission. This ship needs you and the crew needs your unique outlook on things."
"For a tight-lipped Brit, Malcolm's got a big mouth." Trip said in surprise.
"He was just being a friend, Trip." Jon said. "More than what I've shown you in the last few days. But in the past, I know that, at times, I tended to be protective when it came to you." Jon continued. "But that's got nothing to do with your abilities as chief engineer or your abilities as a leader. It's me."
"I always try to do my best. Always have in everythin' I've ever done." Trip lowered himself back onto his side and placed his head on his pillow. "But, when you're 'round, I also wanna do my best for you. So you're proud of me. 'cept all I end up doin' is messin' up somehow."
"It's not because of you, Trip. The things that have happened to you are just chance. They could have happened to anyone."
"Yeah? Anyone didn't get knocked up by playin' some alien pebbles' game, or nearly freak out from bein' invaded by a slime creature!"
"Trip, don't do this." Jon warned. "You're a very intense person. You're a reactor. I know that and that's what makes you the best damned chief engineer I know. But, it's also why you get consumed by anxiety in certain instances."
"And you've always been there to talk me through." Trip looked up at Jon. "So, what happens when you're not there? Maybe I'm the one not fit for any kinda command."
Jon realized that Trip was doubting himself. But was he doubting his ability to be in control because of the emotion reverser, the whipping, or had it always been there?
"You know better than that." Jon said carefully, sliding off of the bed and kneeling next to it.
"Do I?" Trip asked, drawing his legs up to his chest. "What if I didn't stop ya 'cuz I was just plain scared of ya? I was backed into a corner and I gave into my fear. What if those were deep rooted emotions, Jon? Yours and mine?" Trip asked, his eyes filling with tears.
"I get a little angry when you smart mouth me in front of the crew, I'll admit." Jon told him. "Subtle though it may be."
"And I get mad when you patronize me in front of the others." Trip admitted. "Warranted as it may be." Trip sniffed back a sob. "See what I mean?"
"No," Jon shook his head. "You're reading it all wrong, Trip. Good Lord, do you believe, even a little, that I wanted to hurt you like that?" The brief silence that followed made Jon very uneasy.
"Not anymore." Trip finally said. "Do ya think I really meant any of those things I said?"
Jon sighed. "I did, but not now."
"You know all the times I've been smart-mouthed, I never meant no disrespect." Trip stretched out now, feeling a little more secure. "But I promise I'll watch it. 'Cuz I really respect the hell outta ya. Ya gotta believe me, Jon."
"I do." Jon replied. "And you've got to know how much I..." He looked away, trying to remain controlled. "How much I care about you. You're the only family I've got..."
Jon's voice broke and he leaned back on his knees. Trip watched Jon, not moving to console him. He didn't really know what to do since he'd never seen Jon this overcome with emotion. And to know that the emotion was because of himself made Trip uncomfortable. Also, there was the hurt deep inside of him that didn't want to let Jon off the hook so easily. It may not be right, Trip thought, but it's how he felt. He was now seeing just how much Jon felt about him. This was territory they had never explored. He wondered if their friendship could be a continuing detriment to them on this mission.
"What if ya have to send me out to my possible death one time and I don't make it?" Trip blurted out. Jon's head snapped up and his watery eyes glared back at Trip. "I have no doubts that ya could, if the situation were critical. And I have no doubts that I would go. But, what about afterwards? How would you handle that?"
"Damn." Jon cursed. Here it was. This was where they ended up. Having to profess their deepest emotions and then confront them. He thought just facing Trip after what he'd done to him was the hardest thing he had ever done.
"I know, I know," Trip continued. "It's all part of the job and we know it..."
"I don't know." Jon quietly replied.
"What?"
"I honestly don't know how I would handle that." Jon thoughtfully said. "Probably not very well. At first, anyway. But I'd know that you died doing what you loved doing. That you took your job just as seriously as I do."
Trip sat up and Jon stared at him, unsure of what he would say.
"And you'd be right." Trip said with conviction while feeling a strength he could only attribute to the man before him. "And you'd know that I wouldn't want ya to blame yourself. Just 'cuz of all that. It was my choice to join Starfleet, my choice to do this."
Jon nodded in agreement. "Case closed?"
"Not yet." Trip said, scooting to sit at the side of the bed. "Can I get a hug here?"
A smile, much welcome to Trip and much needed for Jon, tugged at the corner of the older man's mouth. He pulled up on his knees and met Trip half way into a warm and firm bear hug. Jon wrapped his arms around Trip's waist and Trip wrapped his tightly around Jon's back.
"So, are we on our way to being okay here?" Jon asked.
"It hurts, Jon." Trip's voice wavered. "Not just physically. It hurts still, but I don't blame ya. It's just gonna take time, okay?"
"Okay." Jon tried to pull away, but Trip still hung on.
When Trip finally released his grip, Jon stood up and Trip followed his lead rising to his feet.
"Call me if you need anything." Jon told him as they both reached the door.
"I will." Trip replied. "Jon?" Jon stopped and turned to face Trip, his hand on the panel.
"It's okay, Trip." Jon assured him. "It'll be okay. And one day, maybe we won't even be able to remember ever feeling like that. Good night."
"Night." Trip watched the door close behind Jon. Part of him, a large part, wished that they could have been totally at ease with one another.
He slowly shuffled over to his bed and stared at the turned down photograph. A thoughtful smile replaced the pensive expression on his face and he carefully stood up the picture on the shelf. He and Jon were smiling in a captured moment of happier times, clearly defining a friendship that he knew now could never be erased. It wasn't all good yet. It wouldn't be for a long time, he thought. But at least it was possible to get that way... someday.
THE END
A/N: Thank you for the encouragement and support. Hope you weren't disappointed. I know many of you wanted Trip to knock Jon on his rear, but I don't think he would've at the point they were when they had their meeting. Keep your stories coming and continuing! (Sethoz, you hear me?!) I miss not seeing new chapters and new stories.