Chapter 4
After being seated in a corner table near the window of the lively restaurant, Phoebe and Chandler exchanged pleasantries while waiting for their glasses of Chablis. The waiter recited the specials and left them to peruse their menus.
"What looks good to you?" Chandler asked.
"I'm ordering the mixed greens salad and the vegetarian pasta."
"Good choices, my friend. I think I'll have minestrone soup and angel hair pasta with shrimp."
They gave their orders to the waiter. After taking a sip of her wine and eating a slice of sourdough bread, Phoebe took command of the conversation.
"So, are you tired of Monica always hanging out in your apartment with Joey?"
Chandler almost sprayed his mouthful of wine all over the table. Leave it to Phoebe to come right to the point. He should've been prepared for this ambush, but he wasn't.
"Why-why do you think I have a problem with Joey and Monica?"
"Oh, c'mon, Chandler. Do you need me to draw you a timeline of exactly when you started distancing yourself from us? Admit it. You don't like Monica spending so much time with Joey."
"Even if it does bother me, and I'm not saying it does," he quickly added, "why do you care?"
He had to get his shots in where he could. He couldn't let Phoebe totally have the upper hand.
"I care because you're alienating a great guy over something so stupid. Plus..."
"Hey!" Chandler said, raising his voice an octave. "You have no right to say that. My feelings are not stupid."
"I'm sorry. You're right. Bad choice of words. But still. The situation you're creating can so be avoided. Why don't you just tell Joey how you feel about Monica? He'll understand."
"Tell Joey how I feel about Monica? What would you know about what I feel for Monica?"
"Oh, please. I lived with Monica, remember? I saw how you acted with her. How protective and caring you were. Why, of all the places you could've lived, did you choose to move right across the hall from her? You've taken care of her when she's been sick, you've celebrated her joys and mourned her losses. When are you going to stop denying how you feel about her? Do you know how much time you've wasted? And now you're going to let Joey get in the way. Why?"
"Monica is my friend," Chandler declared. "I like things the way they are."
"Oh, so you like watching Joey make Monica smile and laugh and you like isolating yourself from your friends? Tell me how much enjoyment you're getting from being miserable while Joey is having all the fun with the woman you should be with?"
"If Joey makes Monica happy, then maybe they belong together. Who am I to get in the way of that?"
"No, Chandler, you don't understand. You should be with Monica, and Joey should be with me!"
Phoebe's hand flew to her mouth as soon as she uttered those fateful words. The light finally dawned for Chandler.
"So that's what this is all about. You never wanted me. You wanted to coerce me to take Monica away from Joey so you could have a chance."
"Yes," Phoebe said, her voice trembling. "I needed to come on to you because I told Monica I might have feelings for you. And you should've seen the look on her face, Chandler. I know I struck a nerve."
"So that's why Monica was less than enthused when I said we were meeting for dinner."
"She knows we're having dinner together? Yay! That's great news."
"Phoebe, you do realize you're playing with fire. If you want Joey, then go for it. But leave me out of it. I won't take the risk of losing my friendship with Monica."
"You never take any risks when it comes to women, Chandler Bing. That's why you are going to grow old alone. All alone. With no one to blame but yourself. Well, I don't want to be old and alone, so I'm going to do something about it!"
The rest of their meal was spent in contemplative silence. Over coffee and dessert, Chandler asked a question he just had to know the answer to.
"Just so there's no confusion on my part, that whole scene in my office was an...act?"
"Oh, yeah," Phoebe said, in between bites of her chocolate mousse. "Totally."
"And you've never had feelings for me?"
Why am I torturing myself?
Phoebe chuckled. At Chandler's hardening gaze, she coughed and covered her mouth.
"Sweetie, you are so gullible. Adorable," she added, with a tilt of her head, "but sooo gullible."
"Thanks, Pheebs," Chandler said, placing his credit card on the tray to pay for their meal. "A guy can never hear that enough."
"I stand by what I said about you and Monica, though," she said, as they left the restaurant. "Think about it, Chandler. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone?"
*~*
Chandler begged off going to Central Perk with Phoebe and made his way up the stairs to his apartment. Just as he reached his door, the door to Apartment 20 opened and Monica stepped outside, holding a trash bag.
"Hey," she said tentatively.
"Hi," Chandler said, happy to see her. And without Joey at her side, too.
"How was your dinner with Phoebe?"
"Enlightening."
"I see. Would you-would you like to come inside? I'll be right back," she said, indicating the garbage bag.
"I'd like that. Let me take that for you."
"Thanks."
Monica smiled as she returned to her apartment. Chandler entered a few minutes later and found her arranging homemade chocolate chip cookies on a plate. She had to do something with her pent-up frustration and anger. Baking always made her feel better even if she did have to limit her intake.
"Those look and smell delicious," he said, taking a seat at the table. "I wish I hadn't eaten dessert at the restaurant. Nothing tastes better than your homemade cookies."
"Thanks. Take some when you leave. Would you at least like something to drink?"
"I'm fine."
"So," Monica said, sliding into the chair next to Chandler's, "dinner with Phoebe went well?"
"It was...nice. She and I don't have as much in common as say you and I do, but we managed to keep the conversation flowing."
"Good for you guys." Monica couldn't quite pull off sounding upbeat, and she knew it. "Where's Phoebe now?"
"At Central Perk."
"Rachel and Joey are there, too."
Phoebe's been presented with her opportunity, Chandler noted silently.
"How come you didn't go?" he asked.
Monica tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear before answering. Chandler recognized it as one of her nervous habits. Could this conversation be more strained?
"I had some things I needed to do around here. And I was hoping to run into you. Chandler, can't you work out whatever your differences are with Joey so he won't leave?"
"You really care about him, don't you?"
"Yes, I do. I like him a lot. He's fun to be around. We always have a good time. I would really hate it if he moved."
Chandler frowned at Monica's heartfelt spoken words.
"I remember when you used to say those things about me."
"Chandler, what are you talking about? I still feel the same way about you as I always have. I will always consider you one of my very best friends. We've shared so much, and I love having you around. I can't imagine not having you around. Liking Joey and wanting to spend time with him doesn't change how I feel about you."
"You say that, but it has changed things between us. You never spent as much time in my apartment as you do now that Joey's there. And you're there to see him, Monica, not me!"
"I never spent that much time in your apartment because you were always here, you big dope. And Joey's around more than you are because of your work schedule. You don't think I'm happy to see you when you come home from work?"
"I don't know, Monica," Chandler lashed out. "You're too busy laughing and joking with Joey to even notice I'm there!"
"That is so unfair!" Monica yelled. "Damnit, Chandler, I do notice when you're around and when you're not. How dare you sit there and tell me I'm putting Joey before you. That is so not true, and you know it. You're the one who has disappeared, not me! But now I know why you're so upset with Joey. You're jealous of the friendship we've formed!"
Chandler jumped from his chair, almost knocking it over. He needed some space. Monica's words were hitting too close to home. "I am not jealous of anything! Be best friends with Joey, date Joey, hell, marry Joey and have tons of kids. See if I care because I won't!"
Monica leapt from her chair and stared down Chandler. Her heart was pounding, but she was too angry to care. "Well, maybe I will just do that!" she screamed.
"Fine!" Chandler retorted angrily. "And maybe I will marry Phoebe! At least she cared enough to invite me out to dinner!"
Monica gasped. Chandler knew he had gone too far. Tears welled in Monica's eyes. She quickly looked away, not wanting Chandler to see how much he'd hurt her. The very idea that Phoebe cared more about him than she did was ludicrous. But if that's the way he felt, Phoebe could have him.
Ross' unexpected entrance into the apartment immediately stopped their fight.
"Hey," he said, feeling the tension in the room, "what's going on?"
"Nothing," Chandler muttered. "I gotta go."
"Wait," Ross said. "Is Rachel here?"
"No," Monica said, turning to look at her brother. She had composed herself the best she could. "She's at Central Perk."
"Great. I have news I absolutely have to share before I burst. I'm too happy to keep it to myself."
"What is it?" Monica asked, noticing the huge smile on Ross' face.
Chandler couldn't help but notice it, too. "Yeah, man. What's going on?"
"I've made the decision," Ross said, barely able to contain his excitement. "Tomorrow night. I'm going to ask Rachel to marry me."
After being seated in a corner table near the window of the lively restaurant, Phoebe and Chandler exchanged pleasantries while waiting for their glasses of Chablis. The waiter recited the specials and left them to peruse their menus.
"What looks good to you?" Chandler asked.
"I'm ordering the mixed greens salad and the vegetarian pasta."
"Good choices, my friend. I think I'll have minestrone soup and angel hair pasta with shrimp."
They gave their orders to the waiter. After taking a sip of her wine and eating a slice of sourdough bread, Phoebe took command of the conversation.
"So, are you tired of Monica always hanging out in your apartment with Joey?"
Chandler almost sprayed his mouthful of wine all over the table. Leave it to Phoebe to come right to the point. He should've been prepared for this ambush, but he wasn't.
"Why-why do you think I have a problem with Joey and Monica?"
"Oh, c'mon, Chandler. Do you need me to draw you a timeline of exactly when you started distancing yourself from us? Admit it. You don't like Monica spending so much time with Joey."
"Even if it does bother me, and I'm not saying it does," he quickly added, "why do you care?"
He had to get his shots in where he could. He couldn't let Phoebe totally have the upper hand.
"I care because you're alienating a great guy over something so stupid. Plus..."
"Hey!" Chandler said, raising his voice an octave. "You have no right to say that. My feelings are not stupid."
"I'm sorry. You're right. Bad choice of words. But still. The situation you're creating can so be avoided. Why don't you just tell Joey how you feel about Monica? He'll understand."
"Tell Joey how I feel about Monica? What would you know about what I feel for Monica?"
"Oh, please. I lived with Monica, remember? I saw how you acted with her. How protective and caring you were. Why, of all the places you could've lived, did you choose to move right across the hall from her? You've taken care of her when she's been sick, you've celebrated her joys and mourned her losses. When are you going to stop denying how you feel about her? Do you know how much time you've wasted? And now you're going to let Joey get in the way. Why?"
"Monica is my friend," Chandler declared. "I like things the way they are."
"Oh, so you like watching Joey make Monica smile and laugh and you like isolating yourself from your friends? Tell me how much enjoyment you're getting from being miserable while Joey is having all the fun with the woman you should be with?"
"If Joey makes Monica happy, then maybe they belong together. Who am I to get in the way of that?"
"No, Chandler, you don't understand. You should be with Monica, and Joey should be with me!"
Phoebe's hand flew to her mouth as soon as she uttered those fateful words. The light finally dawned for Chandler.
"So that's what this is all about. You never wanted me. You wanted to coerce me to take Monica away from Joey so you could have a chance."
"Yes," Phoebe said, her voice trembling. "I needed to come on to you because I told Monica I might have feelings for you. And you should've seen the look on her face, Chandler. I know I struck a nerve."
"So that's why Monica was less than enthused when I said we were meeting for dinner."
"She knows we're having dinner together? Yay! That's great news."
"Phoebe, you do realize you're playing with fire. If you want Joey, then go for it. But leave me out of it. I won't take the risk of losing my friendship with Monica."
"You never take any risks when it comes to women, Chandler Bing. That's why you are going to grow old alone. All alone. With no one to blame but yourself. Well, I don't want to be old and alone, so I'm going to do something about it!"
The rest of their meal was spent in contemplative silence. Over coffee and dessert, Chandler asked a question he just had to know the answer to.
"Just so there's no confusion on my part, that whole scene in my office was an...act?"
"Oh, yeah," Phoebe said, in between bites of her chocolate mousse. "Totally."
"And you've never had feelings for me?"
Why am I torturing myself?
Phoebe chuckled. At Chandler's hardening gaze, she coughed and covered her mouth.
"Sweetie, you are so gullible. Adorable," she added, with a tilt of her head, "but sooo gullible."
"Thanks, Pheebs," Chandler said, placing his credit card on the tray to pay for their meal. "A guy can never hear that enough."
"I stand by what I said about you and Monica, though," she said, as they left the restaurant. "Think about it, Chandler. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone?"
*~*
Chandler begged off going to Central Perk with Phoebe and made his way up the stairs to his apartment. Just as he reached his door, the door to Apartment 20 opened and Monica stepped outside, holding a trash bag.
"Hey," she said tentatively.
"Hi," Chandler said, happy to see her. And without Joey at her side, too.
"How was your dinner with Phoebe?"
"Enlightening."
"I see. Would you-would you like to come inside? I'll be right back," she said, indicating the garbage bag.
"I'd like that. Let me take that for you."
"Thanks."
Monica smiled as she returned to her apartment. Chandler entered a few minutes later and found her arranging homemade chocolate chip cookies on a plate. She had to do something with her pent-up frustration and anger. Baking always made her feel better even if she did have to limit her intake.
"Those look and smell delicious," he said, taking a seat at the table. "I wish I hadn't eaten dessert at the restaurant. Nothing tastes better than your homemade cookies."
"Thanks. Take some when you leave. Would you at least like something to drink?"
"I'm fine."
"So," Monica said, sliding into the chair next to Chandler's, "dinner with Phoebe went well?"
"It was...nice. She and I don't have as much in common as say you and I do, but we managed to keep the conversation flowing."
"Good for you guys." Monica couldn't quite pull off sounding upbeat, and she knew it. "Where's Phoebe now?"
"At Central Perk."
"Rachel and Joey are there, too."
Phoebe's been presented with her opportunity, Chandler noted silently.
"How come you didn't go?" he asked.
Monica tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear before answering. Chandler recognized it as one of her nervous habits. Could this conversation be more strained?
"I had some things I needed to do around here. And I was hoping to run into you. Chandler, can't you work out whatever your differences are with Joey so he won't leave?"
"You really care about him, don't you?"
"Yes, I do. I like him a lot. He's fun to be around. We always have a good time. I would really hate it if he moved."
Chandler frowned at Monica's heartfelt spoken words.
"I remember when you used to say those things about me."
"Chandler, what are you talking about? I still feel the same way about you as I always have. I will always consider you one of my very best friends. We've shared so much, and I love having you around. I can't imagine not having you around. Liking Joey and wanting to spend time with him doesn't change how I feel about you."
"You say that, but it has changed things between us. You never spent as much time in my apartment as you do now that Joey's there. And you're there to see him, Monica, not me!"
"I never spent that much time in your apartment because you were always here, you big dope. And Joey's around more than you are because of your work schedule. You don't think I'm happy to see you when you come home from work?"
"I don't know, Monica," Chandler lashed out. "You're too busy laughing and joking with Joey to even notice I'm there!"
"That is so unfair!" Monica yelled. "Damnit, Chandler, I do notice when you're around and when you're not. How dare you sit there and tell me I'm putting Joey before you. That is so not true, and you know it. You're the one who has disappeared, not me! But now I know why you're so upset with Joey. You're jealous of the friendship we've formed!"
Chandler jumped from his chair, almost knocking it over. He needed some space. Monica's words were hitting too close to home. "I am not jealous of anything! Be best friends with Joey, date Joey, hell, marry Joey and have tons of kids. See if I care because I won't!"
Monica leapt from her chair and stared down Chandler. Her heart was pounding, but she was too angry to care. "Well, maybe I will just do that!" she screamed.
"Fine!" Chandler retorted angrily. "And maybe I will marry Phoebe! At least she cared enough to invite me out to dinner!"
Monica gasped. Chandler knew he had gone too far. Tears welled in Monica's eyes. She quickly looked away, not wanting Chandler to see how much he'd hurt her. The very idea that Phoebe cared more about him than she did was ludicrous. But if that's the way he felt, Phoebe could have him.
Ross' unexpected entrance into the apartment immediately stopped their fight.
"Hey," he said, feeling the tension in the room, "what's going on?"
"Nothing," Chandler muttered. "I gotta go."
"Wait," Ross said. "Is Rachel here?"
"No," Monica said, turning to look at her brother. She had composed herself the best she could. "She's at Central Perk."
"Great. I have news I absolutely have to share before I burst. I'm too happy to keep it to myself."
"What is it?" Monica asked, noticing the huge smile on Ross' face.
Chandler couldn't help but notice it, too. "Yeah, man. What's going on?"
"I've made the decision," Ross said, barely able to contain his excitement. "Tomorrow night. I'm going to ask Rachel to marry me."