Chapter 8
When Chandler walked into his apartment Monday night, Joey breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"Am I glad to see you! Where have you been? Ross said you called him and that you want us to meet at Monica and Rachel's? What's this big announcement? If it's about what you saw, I'll tell you exactly what happened. Monica and I don't have anything to hide because we didn't do anything wrong."
"It is about that, and it isn't. Let's go to Monica's. I'll explain everything."
Chandler followed Joey into the apartment. Four somber faces greeted them from the living room. Simultaneously, they all started firing questions at Chandler; he held up his hands to stop them.
"Please. Let me say what I've come to say."
He positioned himself behind the sofa. A lump formed in his throat as he took a moment to look around the almost too familiar room. So many wonderful memories flashed through his mind.
"Throughout most of my life, I've used my wit and my sarcasm as a defense mechanism. I've used it to get me through some pretty tough times. Not everyone favored my humor. Ross can back me up on that from our college days. So can you imagine my surprise when I realized how much you guys were willing to tolerate from me? I think we're all very accepting of one other, and I realized this weekend that maybe that's not what I need right now. I'm too comfortable, too complacent. I need to shake things up. Bottom line, I need to make some changes before I totally blow this and lose all of your valued friendships. I realized I'm taking way too much for granted. If I had knocked before I entered Monica's apartment on Saturday morning, think what a huge difference that would've made. I've lost sight of the boundaries. I expected Joey to adhere to my rules without even telling him what they were. I need to take a big step back. For me. The five of you are the best friends anyone could ever have, and I have lost sight of that. I'm angry at myself for not realizing this sooner."
"What if we don't care?" Phoebe tossed out. "What if we like you just the way you are?"
"I appreciate that, but the need for me to act on this is too strong. I can't ignore it."
"What is this 'need' telling you to do?" Rachel asked.
"It's telling me that I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life."
"So, what are you going to do?" Joey asked.
"Well, for starters, I've accepted a transfer to Bridgeport, Connecticut. There's a short-term project that needs some direction. My boss has agreed to let me oversee it. Since I'm going to be spending a lot of time at the office, he's arranged for me to stay in a nearby apartment on a month-to-month basis."
"So," Monica said, trying to control her anger, "That's it. You've made your decision. You're going to leave us just like that."
"Yeah," Joey added. "What about your apartment here?"
"I'm going to continue paying for it, Joe. The company is paying my living expenses, at least until this project is over. I'd like for you to continue living there, if you want to. It's totally up to you."
"Are we off limits to you until you figure this whole thing out?" Rachel asked. Her words had a bite to them that Chandler knew he had to respect.
"No. Guys, I'm not running away, I'm not. When I wasn't meeting with you at the coffeehouse or joining in any of the activities, that's when I was being nothing but a coward. I wanted to spend my time sulking and feeling sorry for myself about something that I perceived as being true. This move is about me doing some changing and hopefully some growing. I have to do this. I don't know what else to say, except I hope, in time, you'll be able to understand why I had to do this."
"You're going to miss out on all the wedding activities," Ross said.
"Yeah," Rachel said. "Can we count on you to attend the engagement party and the wedding?"
"Don't forget the bachelor party," Joey threw in.
"I'm going to participate as much as I can, and I will definitely be at the wedding."
"Good," Ross said, "because I want you to be my best man."
"I'm honored, Ross. I mean that. I would love nothing more than to be your best man. Thank you for asking me."
"You know this reeks," Ross said, after they shared a manly hug. "But I also know how I'd feel if someone tried to talk me out of doing something I felt this strongly about. Good luck, Chandler. I hope you figure out whatever it is you need."
Phoebe was the next one to embrace him.
"I don't agree with everything you said, but I respect you for recognizing that maybe the way you're living your life isn't best for you. Good luck, Chandler."
"Thanks, Phoebe. I hope you'll keep in touch."
"Come here, you," Rachel said.
Still emotional from the weekend, she lovingly held Chandler and let herself shed a few tears of sadness.
"It's not going to be the same without you across the hall, I don't care what you or anybody else says. You better keep in touch, mister. I want at least two dances at my wedding. You got that?"
"I got it. And I will keep in touch. I promise."
"They say timing is everything. Sometimes," Joey said, shaking his head, "I can't believe how mine sucks. If I am in any way responsible for this..."
"You're not," Chandler said quietly. "They also say everything happens for a reason, and I think everything that's happened these past few months has definitely been for a reason. I'm taking full responsibility for everything. We'll work out the logistics before I leave."
"When are you leaving?" Monica asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
She sat on the carpet in front of the coffee table. When Chandler looked at her, he could see the tears ready to spill from her eyes. He turned to the others imploringly.
"Can you give us a few minutes alone?"
"Of course," Rachel said. "We'll go to your apartment."
"Thanks."
Chandler waited a few moments before he asked Monica to join him on the couch. She rose and with her head down, she slowly made her way to sit next to him.
"I-I want to-to be angry with you," she choked out, "but I can't. I feel like I'm losing my best friend."
"I have news for you," Chandler said gently, "you are."
At her puzzled look, he nodded.
"May I?" he said, reaching to hold her hands.
She nodded. He gave her hands a loving squeeze and then began to explain.
"There's no one I'm closer to than you. I walk freely into this apartment, and I expect you to be here. But more importantly, I expect you to be the same. When you're involved in a relationship, I don't see that Monica. I see my friend. The one who's always the same. It wasn't until Joey moved in and you started hanging out with him that I realized the Monica I see is one that other men see, too. I don't have exclusive rights to you. I can't order you to keep the best part of yourself just for me. And I can't expect you to never change and grow and want different things. But that's been my expectation. I get to do whatever I want, and my friend Monica understands that and accepts it. No questions asked. I've taken too much from you, Monica, and you've never asked me to give you something in return. That's not right. If I'm going to be your friend, then I need to be a stand-up guy and know my place in your life. If I'm telling myself I want to be more than a friend to you, then, damnit, I better have something to offer you, and right now, Monica, I don't."
"I'm not asking you for anything."
"I know, and that's the problem. You should be asking me. You should be demanding it of me. The first time I told you how I felt about you and Joey with nothing to back it up, you should've told me where to go."
"But you're my friend."
"Who, I'm sorry to say, hasn't been there for you in a very long time. I'm taking you for granted, Monica, and I have to stop doing that. You deserve so much better. I've been a first-class jerk. You've just been too polite to say so."
"You're forgetting that I know a lot about what makes you tick."
"Please don't make excuses for me, Mon. I know how badly I've been acting, and I'm sorry I've turned into such an idiot."
"Truthfully, I rather enjoyed jealous Chandler. It was definitely a change. But silly me, I thought it was going to lead you to me not away."
"With any other man, you know it would have, which just shows you why I need to leave. Do you realize I could have damaged you for life?"
"If I thought we could make this work, I'd take the risk."
"Monica," he said, pressing her hands against his chest, "don't you see that if I were a different man, there'd be no risk to take. I don't know how to be that man. But I'm ready to learn."
"You think living in Bridgeport, Connecticut, is going to turn you into the man you want to be?"
"No. But, hopefully, it's going to help me start making the changes I know I need to make. I can't keep doing the same things in the same environment and expect things to change. I have to challenge myself, Monica, before it's too late."
"You keep talking about all these changes you want to make. What if, in the end, I no longer fit into your life. What happens to me?"
Chandler gave her the sweetest smile and pulled her into his arms.
"I'd never change that much," he whispered against her hair. "I just want to know that I can be happy for you no matter what role I play in your life. Jealousy is such a draining and time-consuming emotion. What was I thinking?"
He heard Monica's soft giggle against his chest and visibly relaxed.
"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to miss you like crazy. Who's going to bake me chocolate chip cookies?"
"I think you shouldn't go."
He stroked her dark tresses when he felt her tense within the circle of his arms.
"I have to, Mon. It's time I exorcised a few demons that have controlled me for far too long."
"Would it mess you up if I sent a CARE package every once in a while?"
"I'll treasure every one you send. I promise. As long as you include your homemade chocolate chip cookies."
"How am I going to do this? I miss you already, and I'm still in your arms. I hate change. I hate growth. I think they're both highly overrated."
"But very necessary. At least for me."
"Promise me one thing?" she asked, lifting her head to gaze into his eyes.
"Of course."
"Promise me that you will come back, Chandler. Changed or otherwise, you better not make Bridgeport, Connecticut, your permanent home or you will definitely answer to me."
"I promise. And look at this way," he said, his need to try to make her smile still so very strong even though their discussion was one of the most serious ones they'd ever had, "at least I'm not moving to Yemen."
When Chandler walked into his apartment Monday night, Joey breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"Am I glad to see you! Where have you been? Ross said you called him and that you want us to meet at Monica and Rachel's? What's this big announcement? If it's about what you saw, I'll tell you exactly what happened. Monica and I don't have anything to hide because we didn't do anything wrong."
"It is about that, and it isn't. Let's go to Monica's. I'll explain everything."
Chandler followed Joey into the apartment. Four somber faces greeted them from the living room. Simultaneously, they all started firing questions at Chandler; he held up his hands to stop them.
"Please. Let me say what I've come to say."
He positioned himself behind the sofa. A lump formed in his throat as he took a moment to look around the almost too familiar room. So many wonderful memories flashed through his mind.
"Throughout most of my life, I've used my wit and my sarcasm as a defense mechanism. I've used it to get me through some pretty tough times. Not everyone favored my humor. Ross can back me up on that from our college days. So can you imagine my surprise when I realized how much you guys were willing to tolerate from me? I think we're all very accepting of one other, and I realized this weekend that maybe that's not what I need right now. I'm too comfortable, too complacent. I need to shake things up. Bottom line, I need to make some changes before I totally blow this and lose all of your valued friendships. I realized I'm taking way too much for granted. If I had knocked before I entered Monica's apartment on Saturday morning, think what a huge difference that would've made. I've lost sight of the boundaries. I expected Joey to adhere to my rules without even telling him what they were. I need to take a big step back. For me. The five of you are the best friends anyone could ever have, and I have lost sight of that. I'm angry at myself for not realizing this sooner."
"What if we don't care?" Phoebe tossed out. "What if we like you just the way you are?"
"I appreciate that, but the need for me to act on this is too strong. I can't ignore it."
"What is this 'need' telling you to do?" Rachel asked.
"It's telling me that I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life."
"So, what are you going to do?" Joey asked.
"Well, for starters, I've accepted a transfer to Bridgeport, Connecticut. There's a short-term project that needs some direction. My boss has agreed to let me oversee it. Since I'm going to be spending a lot of time at the office, he's arranged for me to stay in a nearby apartment on a month-to-month basis."
"So," Monica said, trying to control her anger, "That's it. You've made your decision. You're going to leave us just like that."
"Yeah," Joey added. "What about your apartment here?"
"I'm going to continue paying for it, Joe. The company is paying my living expenses, at least until this project is over. I'd like for you to continue living there, if you want to. It's totally up to you."
"Are we off limits to you until you figure this whole thing out?" Rachel asked. Her words had a bite to them that Chandler knew he had to respect.
"No. Guys, I'm not running away, I'm not. When I wasn't meeting with you at the coffeehouse or joining in any of the activities, that's when I was being nothing but a coward. I wanted to spend my time sulking and feeling sorry for myself about something that I perceived as being true. This move is about me doing some changing and hopefully some growing. I have to do this. I don't know what else to say, except I hope, in time, you'll be able to understand why I had to do this."
"You're going to miss out on all the wedding activities," Ross said.
"Yeah," Rachel said. "Can we count on you to attend the engagement party and the wedding?"
"Don't forget the bachelor party," Joey threw in.
"I'm going to participate as much as I can, and I will definitely be at the wedding."
"Good," Ross said, "because I want you to be my best man."
"I'm honored, Ross. I mean that. I would love nothing more than to be your best man. Thank you for asking me."
"You know this reeks," Ross said, after they shared a manly hug. "But I also know how I'd feel if someone tried to talk me out of doing something I felt this strongly about. Good luck, Chandler. I hope you figure out whatever it is you need."
Phoebe was the next one to embrace him.
"I don't agree with everything you said, but I respect you for recognizing that maybe the way you're living your life isn't best for you. Good luck, Chandler."
"Thanks, Phoebe. I hope you'll keep in touch."
"Come here, you," Rachel said.
Still emotional from the weekend, she lovingly held Chandler and let herself shed a few tears of sadness.
"It's not going to be the same without you across the hall, I don't care what you or anybody else says. You better keep in touch, mister. I want at least two dances at my wedding. You got that?"
"I got it. And I will keep in touch. I promise."
"They say timing is everything. Sometimes," Joey said, shaking his head, "I can't believe how mine sucks. If I am in any way responsible for this..."
"You're not," Chandler said quietly. "They also say everything happens for a reason, and I think everything that's happened these past few months has definitely been for a reason. I'm taking full responsibility for everything. We'll work out the logistics before I leave."
"When are you leaving?" Monica asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
She sat on the carpet in front of the coffee table. When Chandler looked at her, he could see the tears ready to spill from her eyes. He turned to the others imploringly.
"Can you give us a few minutes alone?"
"Of course," Rachel said. "We'll go to your apartment."
"Thanks."
Chandler waited a few moments before he asked Monica to join him on the couch. She rose and with her head down, she slowly made her way to sit next to him.
"I-I want to-to be angry with you," she choked out, "but I can't. I feel like I'm losing my best friend."
"I have news for you," Chandler said gently, "you are."
At her puzzled look, he nodded.
"May I?" he said, reaching to hold her hands.
She nodded. He gave her hands a loving squeeze and then began to explain.
"There's no one I'm closer to than you. I walk freely into this apartment, and I expect you to be here. But more importantly, I expect you to be the same. When you're involved in a relationship, I don't see that Monica. I see my friend. The one who's always the same. It wasn't until Joey moved in and you started hanging out with him that I realized the Monica I see is one that other men see, too. I don't have exclusive rights to you. I can't order you to keep the best part of yourself just for me. And I can't expect you to never change and grow and want different things. But that's been my expectation. I get to do whatever I want, and my friend Monica understands that and accepts it. No questions asked. I've taken too much from you, Monica, and you've never asked me to give you something in return. That's not right. If I'm going to be your friend, then I need to be a stand-up guy and know my place in your life. If I'm telling myself I want to be more than a friend to you, then, damnit, I better have something to offer you, and right now, Monica, I don't."
"I'm not asking you for anything."
"I know, and that's the problem. You should be asking me. You should be demanding it of me. The first time I told you how I felt about you and Joey with nothing to back it up, you should've told me where to go."
"But you're my friend."
"Who, I'm sorry to say, hasn't been there for you in a very long time. I'm taking you for granted, Monica, and I have to stop doing that. You deserve so much better. I've been a first-class jerk. You've just been too polite to say so."
"You're forgetting that I know a lot about what makes you tick."
"Please don't make excuses for me, Mon. I know how badly I've been acting, and I'm sorry I've turned into such an idiot."
"Truthfully, I rather enjoyed jealous Chandler. It was definitely a change. But silly me, I thought it was going to lead you to me not away."
"With any other man, you know it would have, which just shows you why I need to leave. Do you realize I could have damaged you for life?"
"If I thought we could make this work, I'd take the risk."
"Monica," he said, pressing her hands against his chest, "don't you see that if I were a different man, there'd be no risk to take. I don't know how to be that man. But I'm ready to learn."
"You think living in Bridgeport, Connecticut, is going to turn you into the man you want to be?"
"No. But, hopefully, it's going to help me start making the changes I know I need to make. I can't keep doing the same things in the same environment and expect things to change. I have to challenge myself, Monica, before it's too late."
"You keep talking about all these changes you want to make. What if, in the end, I no longer fit into your life. What happens to me?"
Chandler gave her the sweetest smile and pulled her into his arms.
"I'd never change that much," he whispered against her hair. "I just want to know that I can be happy for you no matter what role I play in your life. Jealousy is such a draining and time-consuming emotion. What was I thinking?"
He heard Monica's soft giggle against his chest and visibly relaxed.
"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to miss you like crazy. Who's going to bake me chocolate chip cookies?"
"I think you shouldn't go."
He stroked her dark tresses when he felt her tense within the circle of his arms.
"I have to, Mon. It's time I exorcised a few demons that have controlled me for far too long."
"Would it mess you up if I sent a CARE package every once in a while?"
"I'll treasure every one you send. I promise. As long as you include your homemade chocolate chip cookies."
"How am I going to do this? I miss you already, and I'm still in your arms. I hate change. I hate growth. I think they're both highly overrated."
"But very necessary. At least for me."
"Promise me one thing?" she asked, lifting her head to gaze into his eyes.
"Of course."
"Promise me that you will come back, Chandler. Changed or otherwise, you better not make Bridgeport, Connecticut, your permanent home or you will definitely answer to me."
"I promise. And look at this way," he said, his need to try to make her smile still so very strong even though their discussion was one of the most serious ones they'd ever had, "at least I'm not moving to Yemen."