Disclaimer - If they follow me home, can I keep them? er.. Just one, then?
[A/N] Thanks for all the great feedback! I do want to clarify one thing about
CH 4: I don't think that Alec was intentionally trying to humiliate Max. I think
he was just trying to distract her and push her away, and took the fastest and most
expedient route to do that in true soldier fashion. Also, I hate to admit it, but I
haven't read "Manticore" by Jonty. Now I have to go find it! Anyway; back to our story...
Learning of Alec - Ch 5.
----------------
- infie
RECAP
*******
(Thursday....)
"Look, I've gotta go. But like I said, you're welcome to stay a while. Drink a beer, watch some TV." Alec
grinned at her tightly. "Maybe you can help me some more when I get back."
The door closed softly behind him.
* * *
(Friday)
Max headed over to Logan's right after work. Her head was throbbing, and she'd had no sleep the night before
from brooding about Alec (494, her mind corrected darkly). 494 had been at work today, smiling, laughing,
teasing Normal, but the missing element was evident, at least to her. CeCe had been run into him as he
headed out on his fourth run of the day, and had paled after getting a good look at him. Her shoulders had
straightened and her hand had twitched, an involuntary urge to salute, Max guessed. Alec had shot her
a quelling look and strode out the door. She had slanted Max a worried look, but turned away to talk
to a couple of the other X-5's instead. {More of 'us'.} Max had thought to herself.
She had approached CeCe as soon as Alec had left. "CeCe. Did you notice anything... strange about Alec?"
"No." CeCe responded cooly. "He's the same as he's always been."
Max's blood froze. "That's what I was afraid of."
CeCe looked at her consideringly. "So, what did you do to him?"
"What?" Max was genuinely startled. "Nothing. I tried to help him out... Biggs..."
CeCe nodded in understanding. "Biggs was his second. I can see how he'd take that hard."
"Alec also had to let the men who killed him go." Max's lips compressed with anger. "Couldn't afford
to kill any normals..."
"That explains a lot." CeCe's face was grave. "494 was never good at shirking his repsonsibilities.
And, I have to tell you, Max, that the man that walked out the door a minute ago was, without a doubt, 494."
"I know." Max tried to sound offhand. "I'm hoping he'll get over it in a couple of weeks."
CeCe shook her head. "Yeah. We hoped that too, in '11." she left.
* * *
Logan leaned back in his computer chair, spiky hair standing up at all angles and the light from his monitors
reflecting off his glasses.
"I don't know how to help you, Max." he rubbed a hand across tired eyes. "It's a conscious decision on his
part."
Max sat down as if she were a puppet whose strings had been cut. "Conscious?" she echoed faintly.
Logan sighed heavily. "Selective sociopathology." When Max just stared at him uncomprehendingly, he sighed
again.
"Essentially, a person who can turn on and off their emotions, virtually at will. It's pretty common among
career spooks. From what you described, and what you told me about his background, it makes the most sense."
He leaned forard, eyes earnest. "For someone to be an assassin, I mean a *really* good one, they need to be
able to blend in and project a normal, feeling person, even as they plan a murder. The very best
ones are in fact completely normal; they honestly feel emotional pain, empathy, sympathy, love, anger. But
then, when they need to concentrate to make the kill, all of that goes away. Their focus precludes emotion."
Max narrowed her eyes. "You make it sound like multiple personality, or something crazy."
"It's not." Logan said definitively. "It was originally identified as a coping mechanism employed by
emotionally abused kids. Some kids would develop entire personalities to manage their overload; multiple
personality disorder. Others would simply wall it off, shut it away where it couldn't affect them emotionally,
couldn't get in the way of the operation of their mind. Military training for undercover and assassination
missions specifically encourages this coping mechanism. Frankly, everyone I've met from Manticore has demonstrated this
capability to a certain extent."
Max stood and paced angrily. "It sounds like exactly what Lydecker was aiming for. The perfect soldier, can
fit in anywhere, can kill without thinking twice."
"Sounds like your Alec, all right." some of his old bitterness leaked into his tone. He flushed at Max's
stricken look, cleared his throat, and continued. "The difference here
is that Alec has chosen to retreat behind his walls because he can't deal with his guilt."
"He decided that it was better to be numb inside than to feel all that pain." Max nodded, her gut clenching.
"But why now? Biggs isn't the first person Alec's lost. Or even the most important to him." her mind slid
to Rachel.
"I think the past caught up with him, Max." Logan sounded reluctantly symapathetic. "You told me Biggs
said that Alec had found his unit again, his family. Think of how you felt when Tinga died; or Ben. Or
Zach."
**{'God', Alec choked out, 'God, how can you stand it?'}**
"I had ten years of learning to be normal." Max murmured softly. "He's only had a few months."
"More than just that, Max. You spent all of that time fighting to retain your humanity; to nurture it. Alec's been
taught to seek numbness as a refuge. Every other time he's been in pain, Manticore drove him inside himself
and told him that it would make him all better." Logan sounded grave. "It's always worked before."
**{Alec turned his head to look at her. 'I know another way,' he said.}**
"Shit." Max swore, with feeling. "Now what?"
"Break through the wall, Max. Otherwise, for all intents and purposes, Alec is gone."
* * *
[A/N] Thanks for all the great feedback! I do want to clarify one thing about
CH 4: I don't think that Alec was intentionally trying to humiliate Max. I think
he was just trying to distract her and push her away, and took the fastest and most
expedient route to do that in true soldier fashion. Also, I hate to admit it, but I
haven't read "Manticore" by Jonty. Now I have to go find it! Anyway; back to our story...
Learning of Alec - Ch 5.
----------------
- infie
RECAP
*******
(Thursday....)
"Look, I've gotta go. But like I said, you're welcome to stay a while. Drink a beer, watch some TV." Alec
grinned at her tightly. "Maybe you can help me some more when I get back."
The door closed softly behind him.
* * *
(Friday)
Max headed over to Logan's right after work. Her head was throbbing, and she'd had no sleep the night before
from brooding about Alec (494, her mind corrected darkly). 494 had been at work today, smiling, laughing,
teasing Normal, but the missing element was evident, at least to her. CeCe had been run into him as he
headed out on his fourth run of the day, and had paled after getting a good look at him. Her shoulders had
straightened and her hand had twitched, an involuntary urge to salute, Max guessed. Alec had shot her
a quelling look and strode out the door. She had slanted Max a worried look, but turned away to talk
to a couple of the other X-5's instead. {More of 'us'.} Max had thought to herself.
She had approached CeCe as soon as Alec had left. "CeCe. Did you notice anything... strange about Alec?"
"No." CeCe responded cooly. "He's the same as he's always been."
Max's blood froze. "That's what I was afraid of."
CeCe looked at her consideringly. "So, what did you do to him?"
"What?" Max was genuinely startled. "Nothing. I tried to help him out... Biggs..."
CeCe nodded in understanding. "Biggs was his second. I can see how he'd take that hard."
"Alec also had to let the men who killed him go." Max's lips compressed with anger. "Couldn't afford
to kill any normals..."
"That explains a lot." CeCe's face was grave. "494 was never good at shirking his repsonsibilities.
And, I have to tell you, Max, that the man that walked out the door a minute ago was, without a doubt, 494."
"I know." Max tried to sound offhand. "I'm hoping he'll get over it in a couple of weeks."
CeCe shook her head. "Yeah. We hoped that too, in '11." she left.
* * *
Logan leaned back in his computer chair, spiky hair standing up at all angles and the light from his monitors
reflecting off his glasses.
"I don't know how to help you, Max." he rubbed a hand across tired eyes. "It's a conscious decision on his
part."
Max sat down as if she were a puppet whose strings had been cut. "Conscious?" she echoed faintly.
Logan sighed heavily. "Selective sociopathology." When Max just stared at him uncomprehendingly, he sighed
again.
"Essentially, a person who can turn on and off their emotions, virtually at will. It's pretty common among
career spooks. From what you described, and what you told me about his background, it makes the most sense."
He leaned forard, eyes earnest. "For someone to be an assassin, I mean a *really* good one, they need to be
able to blend in and project a normal, feeling person, even as they plan a murder. The very best
ones are in fact completely normal; they honestly feel emotional pain, empathy, sympathy, love, anger. But
then, when they need to concentrate to make the kill, all of that goes away. Their focus precludes emotion."
Max narrowed her eyes. "You make it sound like multiple personality, or something crazy."
"It's not." Logan said definitively. "It was originally identified as a coping mechanism employed by
emotionally abused kids. Some kids would develop entire personalities to manage their overload; multiple
personality disorder. Others would simply wall it off, shut it away where it couldn't affect them emotionally,
couldn't get in the way of the operation of their mind. Military training for undercover and assassination
missions specifically encourages this coping mechanism. Frankly, everyone I've met from Manticore has demonstrated this
capability to a certain extent."
Max stood and paced angrily. "It sounds like exactly what Lydecker was aiming for. The perfect soldier, can
fit in anywhere, can kill without thinking twice."
"Sounds like your Alec, all right." some of his old bitterness leaked into his tone. He flushed at Max's
stricken look, cleared his throat, and continued. "The difference here
is that Alec has chosen to retreat behind his walls because he can't deal with his guilt."
"He decided that it was better to be numb inside than to feel all that pain." Max nodded, her gut clenching.
"But why now? Biggs isn't the first person Alec's lost. Or even the most important to him." her mind slid
to Rachel.
"I think the past caught up with him, Max." Logan sounded reluctantly symapathetic. "You told me Biggs
said that Alec had found his unit again, his family. Think of how you felt when Tinga died; or Ben. Or
Zach."
**{'God', Alec choked out, 'God, how can you stand it?'}**
"I had ten years of learning to be normal." Max murmured softly. "He's only had a few months."
"More than just that, Max. You spent all of that time fighting to retain your humanity; to nurture it. Alec's been
taught to seek numbness as a refuge. Every other time he's been in pain, Manticore drove him inside himself
and told him that it would make him all better." Logan sounded grave. "It's always worked before."
**{Alec turned his head to look at her. 'I know another way,' he said.}**
"Shit." Max swore, with feeling. "Now what?"
"Break through the wall, Max. Otherwise, for all intents and purposes, Alec is gone."
* * *