***Buffy & Faith have a talk***

CHAPTER 24

The two Summers women rocked back and forth pensively, waiting for the other to speak. Although Faith knew the ball was in her court, she didn't know where to begin. There was so much she had to answer for yet she remained silent. If it were possible, maybe Buffy would ask her the wrong questions. She could give the right answers to those. One thing she didn't want to do was lie. Buffy had never lied to her. Well, that wasn't entirely accurate. There were a handful of occasions where her mother had dispensed with not-truths and keeping her in the dark about the prophecy and other things. But it had always been for a reason. Though she had become bitter for a time, as she matured she understood that sometimes the truth was the last thing you wanted to face. The truth made you face reality and you saw how harsh and cruel that reality could be. Living in your own fantasy world was infinitely easier, yet was it truly living?

"Is it true?" Buffy asked, her face grim with determination. Her eyes were filled with resolve and a touch of trepidation. What if it was true and Spike was Faith's father, what then? She didn't know whether to feel relieved or even more fearful than when she thought it was Angel's. Relief would definitely come knowing she wasn't some vampire bed-hopper who went to her first love for a quick turn in the sack. The fear was from the rationalization that if she were ever to have a child, it would be out of love; a love she would give with her heart and soul. And though she finally could admit to herself that she did care for Spike, did that necessarily equate to the love she always imagined would produce a child? She was so confused, yet her outer shell hid the tumultuous emotions raging inside her. Her whole body ached with tension and it was from sheer force of will that she remained still, her hands clasped together in her lap.

Faith couldn't look her mother in the eye for more than a second or two at a time. Buffy's glistening eyes screamed at Faith for the truth. But they also trembled with the knowledge that the truth would be something she didn't want to hear. Spike didn't have a soul and it had taken Buffy years before she realized that it didn't matter…

"What's a soul, Mum?" the six year old girl asked, her fingers lost in the tangles of her hair. Buffy had been meditating when Faith had entered the room. Thus it wasn't her daughter's presence that disrupted her, but the depth of the question.

"What did you say honey?" she asked, feigning ignorance. Maybe, just maybe, Faith would be too intrigued by her long hair to remember what she asked.

"What's a soul?" she repeated. She had tired of playing in her hair and instead busied herself with several partially successful attempts of standing on her head. Any other time, Buffy would have warned her about it but she was too preoccupied attempting to formulate a reply.

"Well sweetie," she began as she drew her knees up to her chest, "a soul is…it's like the part of you that tells you when what you are doing is good or bad." She glanced tentatively over at her child who had stopped the tumbling routines and stared at Buffy, thoughtfully.

"Does everybody have one?"

"Yes, sweetie. We are born with it."

"Does God give it to us?" Uh oh, Buffy thought. So not my area of expertise.

"Ummm…yes, baby, He does."

"Does he put them in us when we are born?" Buffy nodded in response. Faith grunted her understanding so far. Buffy sat quietly, hoping that this conversation would be over quickly, yet knowing her daughter's…

"Do the bad monsters you and Daddy fight have a soul?"

How to answer this one! Buffy thought and ran a hand through her damp hair.

"Not like we have, baby."

"What do you mean? Aren't they born?"

"Yeah, they are. But it's different for them. The place they are born…it's not like our place."

"Is it bad? Is that why they are bad?"

"That's right, honey."

"So…do all the monsters not have a soul?"

"Yes, sweetie."

"And if you don't have a soul, then you are bad?"

Buffy didn't like how the conversation was going but answered anyway. "I guess so."

"And vampires don't have souls, either?"

"No, Faith, they don't."

"Then is Daddy bad?" Buffy's mouth dropped to the floor, her eyes bulging. She couldn't believe what her little girl had just asked her. And more to the point, how did she answer that? Best case scenario and Faith would be totally confused. Worst case? Well, she didn't fancy that particular line of thought.

"Of course not, sweetie," Buffy choked out, waiting for the proverbial 'other shoe'.

"Well, he doesn't have a soul, does he?" She gazed at her mother patiently. Buffy was a bit unnerved by the cool determination of her daughter's blue/green embers. It was the same look Buffy gave Spike when he was less than forthcoming about things. She was proud of that look, considering it inundated a soulless vampire with fits of guilt, quite a feat to say the least. Now, she was faced with a foe much more challenging and wily than a hundred and fifty year old master vampire: a precocious six-year-old girl.

"Where did you get that from, baby?" When in doubt, go on the defensive.

"Well, I know you tell me Daddy is different and that's why he can't stay in the that long and he's done the 'grrr' face and all…"

"The 'grrr' face?" Buffy asked incredulously. She couldn't be talking about…no, Spike knew better than that. Didn't he?

"Yeah, you know. When his face gets all wrinkle-y and bumpy." Buffy rolled her eyes inwardly. This was Spike…of course he wouldn't know better.

Faith, noticing her mother's rising ire went for the save. "He didn't mean to, Mummy. It was just…" she fumbled for the right words, desperate to save her dad from mom's volatile temper. "I can tell he's different…" she whimpered, more concerned about her daddy than her question.

At Faith's confession, the irritation drained from Buffy's face, replaced by surprise.

"You can tell? How?" She asked the small child huddled a few feet from her.

"I don't know, I just can…" there was a long pause before Faith continued. "Like I can tell you are different. And Auntie Tara and Auntie Willow are different. And Auntie Dawn. You just feel…different from other people. Not like Grandpa Giles used to or Auntie Maria or Katie's mum." Faith watched her mother, pensively. She hoped that had been enough to curb her mother's obvious displeasure in her Daddy showing her the 'grrr' face. And though Faith wanted to get off the subject, she had to know…

Buffy sat cross-legged on the floor, her thoughts drifting to what Faith had told her. The little girl could sense the differences in the whole gang. She wasn't sure if it was just because Faith hung around them so much or…

"Well, Mommy?" Buffy jumped as the girl's voice pierced the haze.

"Huh? What?"

"About Daddy. Is he bad?" The young girl thought about it for a minute. "I mean, I know he's not bad bad, but since he doesn't have a soul, what does that make him?" Buffy had to restrain from laughing out loud. It had been the same question that had plagued her for years before she finally accepted Spike completely. He may have been lacking the technical soul she had harped on for so long, but he possessed something far greater. Something that even those born with a soul lacked.

Humanity.

It hadn't always been like that but he had grown in ways she couldn't have imagined possible. His love for her and Dawn had gradually (and begrudgingly so on his part) extended to the remaining Scoobies. Buffy had seen him shed silent tears at Xander and Anya's funeral when he thought no one was around. But she had known well before that that he was everything she wanted and needed. How she had accomplished that was simple; she had stopped fighting the idea that a soulless being could be as human as anyone created by a man and a woman. Sometimes more so. Just as she was unique as the slayer, Spike was much more than unique. She didn't know if there was a word to describe him and she stopped trying long ago.

"Faith, you're right. Your Daddy is a vampire. And vampires don't have souls. But your Daddy: he's special and not just in a Daddy way," she scooted over to the girl that was a spitting image of her, with flecks of Spike thrown in, and beckoned Faith to sit in her lap. The little girl complied, leaning back into Buffy's chest. She inhaled the raspberry scent of the girl's lotion and smiled. This was her baby. Her and Spike's, conceived from a love she thought she could never give. Faith was their treasure, just like Spike was hers. How could you put that into words?

"Your Daddy, as far as vampires go, is more than special. I don't know if there is a word to describe him other than that. There was a time when he was…"

"Will-yum the Bloody?"

"Uh, yeah," Buffy forced out through clinched teeth. She needed to have a talk with a certain blond vampire about some things. But that could wait. "He wasn't always the good person that he was. But he changed. It took time, but he did it. I don't think any vampire has ever, or will ever, do what he did."

The girl craned her head so she could look her mother in the eyes. "And what was that, Mum?"

"Even though he changed, he always kept the thing that we makes us what we are: his identity of the person he once was-and is now." Faith's eyebrows scrunched as she absorbed the information. Although she didn't quite get it, she kind of did. Not in the whole mental understanding, but a deeper understanding she felt in her bones and it was something that, despite her questions, she had always known.

"It's true," Faith whispered, her eyes remained fixed on the carpet.

Buffy gasped as the truth spilled from Faith's lips in two simple words. Her and Spike…with a child? Buffy felt the all too familiar ache of tension creep into her muscles. Her heart threatened to explode from her chest as her lungs begged for oxygen she could not give. She closed her eyes and tears she did not know were there spilled down her cheeks. She saw Spike in her mind, all the things he was, all the things he had done. She saw what they were at one time, mortal enemies, neither ever having the advantage. Her memories shifted as she saw what he was now, what he was to her. Her lover, her patrol partner, her one constant in life. And still, they were equal. She remembered the night in the alley, her fists bruised from slamming into his face as he lay there, passive. "You only hurt the one you love," he had said to her, smirking under an abundance of bruises. She had hurt him deeply that night, but it wasn't just physical, it ran far deeper. And she was armed with the knowledge that her slightest barb could cut him deeper than her fists ever could. But as she held that advantage, he knew that despite her denial, she couldn't resist him. And the more she came to him, the more the field of play came to becoming even once again.

Buffy snapped out of the deluge of memories that bombarded her. She ran her shaky hands through her hair, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. She had no idea what to do. Since she had been back, she had yet to experience the full assault of human emotions. They had come and gone, though they were always diluted, her apathy of the world in general dulling them to shadows of feeling. How she had wanted to feel again. She had felt with Spike, felt alive as if for the first time but it wasn't enough. With Spike her only release, she was dying, albeit slowly. She needed to feel on her own again, without her lover's touch to rekindle the fire she had lost in her re-birth. She prayed to God that one day she would become the person she once was.

If only God had not been listening to her.

The moment Faith had uttered those two words, everything was lost in a tailspin and Buffy was invaded by feelings she thought long forgotten. Relief and hope mixed with excitement and terror, not to mention her mainstay of denial as it all gelled within her mind, propelling her thoughts even faster into the realms of the unknown.

"Why?" She heard herself finally speak, her voice full of barely contained emotion. She wiped the tears away roughly with the back of her hand and waited for her daughter to look at her.

"Why didn't you tell us?" She asked again, a hint of anger creeping into her uncertainty. Faith's resolve strengthened and she finally made eye contact and the gleaming jewels of light that looked back at Faith broke her heart. Faith knew this was likely the reason Emerald had told her to be vague when discussing her true father. It had taken Buffy years to accept Spike and this knowledge that she would give birth to his child probably frightened her more than anything. She probably wanted to run, run far away from this house, her sister, friends, and especially him.

Buffy could see the conflict of emotions waging war inside of Faith and she wondered if her own fears were as evident. She tried to remain patient as Faith was undoubtedly wrestling with what to say. She knew there had to be a reason as to why this 'small' tidbit of information had been kept from all of them, she just didn't know if it would be enough to mete her current bout of discord. So she waited, her fists balled tightly in her lap, her fingernails dug into her pails, creating all too familiar crescent indentations as she earnestly clung to her last remains of patience.

As her last bout of self-restraint broke from its moorings, Faith finally discovered her voice.

"I'm sorry, Buf…Mum. I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth but…"

"But what?" Buffy snapped. Her temper had gotten the best of her and all other emotions took a back seat to the familiar and comfortable fervor of hostility. She stood briskly, her body taut with anger as her eyes burrowed into the girl before her. "So what? You thought you'd have a laugh? You thought it was funny to let us think that Angel was your father? Were you gonna even tell us the truth?" She yelled, her arms flailing wildly.

"No," Faith whispered.

"No, you weren't gonna tell us?" She nodded. Buffy she her eyes tightly, trying not to let her anger get the best of her. Hell, if this was Spike, I'd have probably wailed on him by now, she thought bitterly.

"Spike. Oh my God," Buffy said to herself as it truly hit her. "Spike is the father of my child," she repeated, lowering herself back into the chair, her anger all but gone. Saying it out loud had made it real and it wasn't something she could take back. That was the funny thing with words; once they were said, there was no turning back. Was that the reason she was never honest with Spike? Why she could never tell him she really cared? 'I want you' was easy, there was no emotional attachment to it all but to say something as small as 'I care'…well, she didn't want to go there.

But she did care. She cared for him even more than she would allow herself to admit, much less say. He knew, bless his undead heart, but knowing that she cared and hearing it from her were worlds apart. The only words that ushered from her lips were ones designed to cut him to the core, to emasculate and eviscerate him. To belittle him to the point of…of what? Why was she so cruel? Why did she want to hurt him so much with her words and her fists? This had been the first time she had ever been honest about her actions toward him, the first time she realized how much of a bitch she really was to him. The thing was, she couldn't come up with even a half decent answer to it. How could she? How could she have a child by a man…a creature she didn't like half the time?

Faith had seen Buffy's transformation from seething slayer to a mannequin of confusion. She watched as Buffy stared vacantly at the floor, her thoughts obviously grasping the reality of it all. What would happen now? Would this help her accept him more readily or would she push him away as Faith knew her mother had done so often to others. What she hadn't been told by her mother, Emerald had shared with Faith before she had left. No, Buffy was far from accepting Spike and what he was. And if it went unchecked, Buffy might do something that would effect everything that was to follow.

Instinctively, Faith walked over to the huddled slayer. She knelt in from of Buffy and placed her hand on Buffy's knee. The slayer jerked at the contact, her glassy stare floating towards the blue/green whirlpool of Faith's eyes. It pained Faith to see her mother like this. She had only seen this type of despair twice. Once when Willow and Tara had been killed. And the second time…

Faith's insides lurched as she thought back to the last time she had seen her mother. She had been so hurt and angry at what she had seen; she had left the crushed Buffy alone. The shame of it all hit her for the first time and silent tears of guilt flowed freely down her face.

Unknown to Buffy, her and her daughter both lamented over the shame of their actions. Faith's tears had quelled some of Buffy's inner turmoil, bringing her back to current events. This girl, this woman before her, was her child. Produced by the unnatural union of vampire and slayer. It was all too much, and yet, it was what she needed. She didn't understand and wouldn't pretend to, but she could at least dispel some of the questions revolving around in her mind.

"How? I mean, I thought vampires were a big no-go when it came to reproduction."

Faith smiled lightly. "An after-effect of both of you exposed to the Rune of Amarra."

"The Rune of Amarra?" Buffy repeated but Faith waved her hand dismissively.

"It was a part of the prophecy. Part of your essences transferred to one another. Your life essence provided him with minor shielding from the sun and gave him the ability to create life." Faith explained in the simplest possible terms. In actuality, it had been much more in depth. Buffy and Spike had conquered seemingly insurmountable odds in order to lay claim to the Rune. It had be only one of their many victories against evil.

"Why?" she asked Faith, her hand tenderly wiping the tears from the young woman's eyes. "Why didn't you tell us?"

Buffy's words snapped Faith out of her thoughts. Expecting disdain, Faith had been taken aback by the compassion in Buffy's tone. She closed her eyes when Buffy's hand cupped her cheek and Faith overlaid her own hand on top of Buffy's and just looked at her. Separated by more than forty years, she was finally reunited with her mother. How long it would last, Faith dared not venture to contemplate, but she would not waste what precious moments fate had given her by concealing it all with lies.

Taking a deep breath, Faith repositioned herself and sat cross-legged in front of her mother. She would tell her as much as she could.

"I'm sorry, Mum. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you earlier but…"

"But what? Do you hate me that much for what I've done…or what I'm going to do to get revenge on me?" She instantly regretted her words as a look of horror flashed across Faith's features. As quick as it was there, however, it vanished, replace with an unreadable mask, the only trace of diffidence was Faith's reluctance to maintain eye contact. Just like Spike, she thought to her self in a bittersweet frame of mind.

"I deserved that. No," Faith held up her hand when Buffy motioned to speak, "you're right. I did hate you. I hated you for what you did to Daddy. I hated you with every fiber of my being." She finally raised her eyes and Buffy was taken back by their disgust. "But more than you, I hated myself. I hated myself for letting you do that to him. I hated myself for not finding a better solution to it all. For not being mature enough to understand what you two were sacrificing for me and everyone else in the world. But most of all," her eyes again fell to the floor, "I hated myself for abandoning you. I know I said you left me, but in truth, I was the one that left you. And that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life."

Buffy was stunned. How did she respond to such a disturbingly heartfelt confession? She didn't know, so she surmised that silence was the best option.

It took a few moments before Faith gathered the strength to continue. "But now's not the time for that. I know I wasn't truthful as far as the whole fatherly thing goes, but it wasn't because I wanted to get back at you. It wasn't even my bloody idea to keep it from you."

"Then who?"

"Emerald. The woman who helped me get here," Faith absently fingered the locket that hung loosely around her neck, "she was the one. She told me…not to tell you."

"Oh, and you should really take the word of a psycho-bitch that's the right-hand of the vampire that basically rules the world. And that's not even bringing up the fact that she sicced a pit bull of a vamp on you," Buffy said sardonically.

Faith rolled her eyes in irritation. Though Buffy was right, she still didn't know it all. To be honest, Faith didn't either. Still, she was none too pleased at her mother's huffy attitude, though warranted. She had always wanted to knock Buffy off that pedestal she stood on if only for a moment. Nothing hurtful, just the truth.

"Well, that 'psycho-bitch' made sure nothing happened to you." Faith smiled inwardly as Buffy's face distorted with confusion.

"Huh?"

"When I…left you, Gabriel's minions had caught up with us," she was unable to meet Buffy's bewildered eyes as she spoke, "and I left you there, crying in the streets. I didn't even help you when they surrounded you, and you didn't even fight back."

Buffy only gaped at the woman, who now looked so much like a little girl, in disbelief. She was hurt by Faith's admission that her only daughter would leave her practically defenseless in the teeth of the enemy but even more so by the knowledge that Emerald…protected her?

"Why?" Buffy managed.

"Don't know," she lied. One oversight wouldn't hurt. "Said you reminded her of someone." Well, at least that part is slightly accurate, considering she was your sister.

"And this Gabriel guy," Buffy barreled ahead, "he didn't kill me because?"

"Not sure, but I think he wasn't too keen on the prophecy. I know it said that only through death at the hands of a loved one would he be weak enough for me to kill him, but I really don't think he wanted to take the chance that it was false. I mean, considering the fact that the prophecy of his own destiny was altered by some time-hopping freak and that An…" She stopped. She had almost forgetting that Buffy didn't know about Angel and Connor. Gotta watch that tongue, girly, she reprimanded herself. "Anyway, the why's not important, just that Emerald made sure none of Gabriel's demons lay a hand on you.

Realizing that this would only open up another line of questioning, Faith impatiently waved off the perplexed slayer. "But anywho, that's not really important now. I just wanted you to know why I took her word and didn't tell you guys."

But Buffy still wasn't sold on this mystic woman. "So if she had so much clout, then why did she let Seth…hurt you?"

Faith's heart lurched at the reminder. Not of Seth but of Dawn's…no, Emerald's failure to stand up for her as she did Buffy. In Emerald's defense, she did in fact share blood with the slayer so it would stand to reason that the First that inhabited her was in control by that time still maintained a sliver of love for Buffy. Before It had overtaken Dawn, she had been a part of Faith's life for ten years. But what was ten years compared to the forty-plus she had shared with Buffy? No, it's not important, Faith lied to herself. Despite all her rationalizations, Emerald not coming to her aid in those nine months hurt almost as much as the things Seth had done to her.

"It doesn't matter," she replied coolly, shaking off the searing pain within. "What matters is that, aside from being a dimensional diva with the portals and all, Emerald is somewhat of a seer."

"Damn," Buffy whistled, "what doesn't this lady do?"

Faith cracked a small smile before continuing. "Anyway, she had told me to keep it away from everyone and at all costs, from Spike."

"Yeah, but I don't get why. I mean, is he gonna head for the proverbial hills when he finds out? I mean, because I can't take another guy leavin…" she slammed her eyelids shut when she realized she had spoken the last part aloud.

Faith's heart went out to her mother. Buffy's whole life had been marred by people going away, either in the throes of death or otherwise. She knew her mother didn't love Spike now (at least she didn't think she did) but he had always been the mainstay of Buffy's life, either as an enemy or ally. How could she tell Buffy the truth about it all?

"The truth, Mum? If he does find out, Emerald said he would die." Brutal honesty had always been Faith's strong suit; a trait definitely passed on to her by Spike.

Buffy laughed harshly at the simplicity of Faith's words. Spike? Die? Impossible. She had never thought about him dying…well that wasn't exactly true. The whole Parent-teacher incident took her to flights of fancy, envisioning him at the pointy end of a stake. Then there was the whole Gem of Amarra incident. And she wasn't even going to think about the Buffy-bot fiasco. Okay, so she did think about him changing his name to 'Mr. Dusty', but only by her hands. If she couldn't kill him, then he was off limits. Period. End of story. Hell, if he could withstand the torture of a hell-god, what was the itty-bitty truth of finding out he had a daughter?

"How?" Buffy asked as her harsh laughs died down. "I mean, how can the knowledge that he is your daughter kill him?"

Faith shrugged. "All I know is what Emerald said."

"So she told you that if Spike found out, he would die?"

"Yeah," Faith started but then hesitated. Buffy caught the slight pause.

"What?"

"Well…she didn't exactly use his name," she conceded.

"Well, what did she use? Some type of alias, like 'Dead Boy'? The Platinum Express? Captain Peroxide?" Buffy threw out in exasperation. The thought of Spike dying, however vague the reference was, unsettled her.

"Well, like I said, Emerald is a seer of sorts. And you know how seers tend to be cryptic." Seeing her mother's eyes narrow, Faith threw up her hands. "Oh, bloody hell, woman. You know that Rule No. One in the Seers Guide to Future Reading states that 'I do solemnly swear that I will dictate my visions as vague as possible, allowing said visions to be construed in no more than seven (7) distinct and/or literal translations'."

Buffy giggled at her daughter's irritation with her and the obvious memo she herself had not received on seers. But she did know a little about prophecies and that definitely sounded accurate.

"Okay, so what did she say, exactly?"

"That 'the warrior shaded in darkness yet pulled toward light' would die if they found out. She also said that this warrior was 'ripped from life and now is eternal'. Well, that was paraphrasing her. She spoke it in Latin. And I didn't want to bore you with all the 'ad's' and '-iuss', ya know?" She smiled at Buffy who returned it and for an instant, the mood had become something other than dire. But the seriousness of the situation returned as Faith got to her knees and took Buffy's hands in hers. All hints of life disappeared from Faith save for the piercing gaze of her eyes. Buffy was taken aback at how still she was now. Definitely a trait from Daddy.

"Mum, you can't tell Daddy about me. You just can't…" Faith's majestic eyes brimmed with tears but they did not fall. "I've lost him once already, I can't lose him again." She lay her head in Buffy's lap, comforted by her mother's hand stroking her hair. Faith closed her eyes and listened to the steady rhythm of Buffy's heartbeat.

"Neither can I," Buffy whispered, "Neither can I." And for the second time in the span of a few hours, Faith was reminded of the almost forgotten feeling of love. Hope had once again risen within her at the conviction in her mother's voice. Before she drifted off to sleep, her thoughts mostly filled with the fantasy that things would, indeed, turn out right this time.

She ignored the inkling of doubt that 'tomorrow' never ended up how you planned it. But that was life; it had a way of steering off course when you least expected it, dragging you, kicking and screaming into the harsh domains of reality.

***Finally done. It took me a while to finish it. I think these lasts chapters will take a little longer than the other ones so I won't be getting your hopes up as to when they will be updated. All I can say is no less than once a week.

***Well, folks, Seth is on deck. Jennifer tells him and Rack about her plans for Dawn. And Seth goes to Jennifer on his plans for Gabriel…

***Again, reviews and constructive criticism are always welcome.