Egypt Talk Show
Disclaimer: I don't own the Mummy or The Mummy Returns or the characters. Property of Stephan Sommers and Universal pictures.
AN: This is a television talk show about movies that take place in Egypt, mainly centering on The Mummy and The Mummy Returns.
Mai O'Connell: Hay! People I would like to introduce you to me, Mai O'Connell, the author. I have many powers that go beyond ILM's mortal imagination. Today I have the pride the privilege, nay the pleasure of welcoming you to Egypt Talk Show. For our First guests ever, are the good guys in The Mummy. Say Hi to them! *The good guys from the Mummy appear out of nowhere and land in comfortable sofa's that are shown in Talk shows.*
Rick: Where am I?
Mai: In my talk show room! Where else?
Rick: In a bed with a beautiful Egyptian girl.
Mai: Too bad! So we have, here are Evy, Rick, Jonathan, Dr.Bey, and Ardeth Bay. Say hello to the audience!
Ardeth: What audience?
Mai: The readers numb nut!
Evy: Why are we here?
Mai: Because I have one track mind that consist of The Mummy, The Mummy Returns and of course the ever so awesome, Brendan Fraser. Any more questions?
Dr.Bey: Yeah-
Mai: Shut-up the reviewers ask questions not you! Bastards. Rick, you sit by me. Evy you sit over here on my left and you three sit over there. *points to the seats across from me*
Rick: So what do we do?
Mai: Have you noticed the title? How it says Talk Show? What do you do on a talk show?
Ardeth: *Raises his hand and shakes it like he's about to piss his pants.* Oh! Oh, pick me pick me!
Mai: Ardeth. You have an answer?
Ardeth: Yeah we…. We.. Damn it! I forgot!
*Evy and Dr.Bey raise their hands quickly*
Mai: Evy?
Evy: We talk, right?
Mai: Very good! Your such a good little girl. Yes you are! Go fetch! *throws a slim fast diet bar back stage. Evy runs after it* Good! I have Rick all to myself now! *Hugs Rick in a vice-like grip.*
Rick: Mai, I can't breathe!! Stop!
Mai: Oh, sorry. Don't want to kill my favorite character!* Mai smiles like an idiot* Okay so what should we talk about first? You know what?
Everyone: What?
Mai: I want The Mummy Returns characters here instead. Bye Bye! *uses powers to make them disappear and the Mummy Returns characters appear* Yay! Much better. And it's almost everyone! Now, send in questions or topics and give little tidbits in what you mean because I'm an idiot and I don't understand jackshit!
Everyone: Ah Fuck!
Evy: Alex watch your language!
Alex: you cussed too mum!
Evy: Don't you dare talk back to me! Or I'll-
Alex: You'll what ground me?
Imhotep: No, I'll kill you.
Lock-nah: No way, he's mine!
Meela/Anck: No! I get to kill him!!
Imhotep: No I do!
Lock-nah: uh-huh! I do!
Meela/Anck: No! Me!!
*All begin to fight.*
Ardeth: How about I kill him?
Imhotep/Lock-nah/Meela/Anck: No I ill him!! * drag Ardeth in their fight.*
Mai: *under her breath* I kill him.
Evy: No one is going to kill my son! Not even me!
Rick: You have to admit I was right Evy. We should have used a condom.
Evy: But he shows that we really love each other.
Jonathan: Nah, you didn't need to have a kid to prove you love each other. All the people on the internet would know after I posted the video of you two having sex on there.
Rick: Well I have nothing to hide. I'm rather large.
Evy: Jonathan! That is wrong!
Mai: Shut-up! He didn't do that! You idiots, you didn't have the internet back then! You didn't have home video cameras for the love of Ra!
Rick: Isn't it suppose to be for the love of God?
Mai: I don't use the name of the Lord in vein.
Evy: So you're religious?
Mai: *shows an inch between her forefinger and her thumb* Just a little.
Evy: Alex, she is an example to follow.
Alex: Whatever. Can I leave? I don't want to be in this anymore!
Mai: Damn you! you Biliygana Chihedy! (pronounced bill-ee-gawn-ah cha-ee-dee)
Rick: What does that mean?
Mai: It means damn Alex the little White demon, or otherwise known as white boy!
Rick: In what language?
Mai: Danae.
Rick: Danae?
Mai: Navajo.
Rick: Oh… am I what you called Alex?
Mai: *grins like and idiot* Of course not! You're hot! I love you!
Evy: Back off! He's my man!
Mai: Hey! Don't piss me off! I hold powers beyond ILM's mortal imagination! * tall shot of me black back ground with lightning and thunder crashing around*
Rick: Don't get her mad.
Alex: She won't do anything. Anyone got a joint?
Evy: Alex! You smoke joints?
Alex: No, I just wanted to sound cool.
Mai: My sister has some, but I won't let you have any.
Alex: Why not?
Mai: Cause you suck ass!
Alex *all whiny* My dad'll kick you ass for that! Right Dad?
Rick: *snaps from blank look* Uh, no.
Alex: *all whiny again* Wwwwhhhhhhhyyyy not?
Rick: Cos, it's rude to kick a lady's ass. I'd much prefer to squeeze it!
Evy: Go right ahead.
Rick: Really?
Evy: Sure.
*Rick reaches over to author (me). Author slaps his hand*
Mai: I have a boyfriend already thank you. Besides you're married. Now, reviewers, please send questions or topics to me through your reviews. It'll help a lot. Thanks for tuning in and have a kick ass life!
*Sweat drops as I look at Imhotep, Meela/Anck, Lock-nah, and Ardeth fight on who will kill Alex.* Please Review!! May be I should get some snakes here.
End credits
Okay, Sucks? Stupid? Should I continue? You tell me when you click the rectangular light purple box that says "Click here to Submit a Review" I'm waiting!
Episode 2
Mai: Actually, this is more like episode 1 and a half. Just something came to me. No things from reviewers
Rick: What came to you?
Mai: A rumor. I heard that Evy is cheating on you, with Ardeth Bay, and she's cheating on him with Vassili (Enemy At The Gates) and she's cheating on him with Will (About A Boy).
Evy: I am not cheating on Vassili, anymore.
Mai: Oh? What happened to Will?
Evy: He pissed me off, he was going out with a girl named Rachael. So I dumped him and he was taken by surprise. So it just ends with Vassili.
Ardeth: *Gets out of fight for a moment* You're cheating on me? With who?
Evy: *All dreamy eyed* The great Vassili Zaitsev, a Russian sharpshooter. The best in Russia!
Ardeth nods then goes back into the fight on who will kill Alex.
Rick: Whoa, whoa, whoa!! A Russian?
Mai: *slaps him across the face* There will be no dislike to any race except whites, that's for me. Besides, Russians have dead sexy accents. So deep, so gruff, I love Harrison Ford!! Besides, I think that communism is a great idea. There is nothing to covet your neighbor. Except a wife, a husband, or a friendship, but those things have to be resisted, and I know anyone can resist such. Now, no racial or country people discrimination!!
Rick: But you hate white people.
Mai: I am a native American, I have a right to. You white people stole our land! I do not like that. Well now I will not have racial discrimination, not even me, if I can help it.
Alex: So Mum's having two affairs?
Rick and Evy nod.
Alex: And you're okay with this, Dad?
Rick: Well, she deserves her fun. I mean she almost died, I'd do the same if she let me. Actually she did die, which pissed me off so now I let her do what she wants. One occasion, *turns to Evy* Who's better in bed? Me or him, Vassili?
Evy: Well, he can do it in small places, and in the open very good, but overall I have to say that he is not as good as you. You're larger.
Rick: *grins as he pulls Evy close* Yeah, she can do what she wants. What about Ardeth?
Evy: Close run, but you are still slightly larger and better.
Rick: She has all freedom. * Those two start making out*
Alex: Oh jeez get a room!
Mai: *Closes eyes in disgust* Please do.
Waves her hand, using author powers so that they are put in a room with sound proof walls. And oxygen is always in supply in there.
Mai: *lights a joint* Want one, Alex?
Alex: *accepts joint, lights it with a match he strikes on Ardeth's face* Thanks. What we do now?
Mai: Wait for reviews and get high.
Alex: Cool.
End Credits