***What does Buffy find out about Spike that is so bad? HeHe…Read and find out.

CHAPTER 29

"You never answered my question from earlier," Buffy said as she nestled against her lover's cool flesh. Though their naked bodies were pressed against one another, they had not made love. Instead, their hands had explored the familiar crests and curves of one another as their lips and tongue danced to a refined melody. Neither one had the answer as to why it hadn't escalated further thought it had felt like that was enough. The emotion they had felt had somewhat dissipated and they were content to just lay there in the darkness, two creatures on opposite ends of the spectrum, as each other's comfort.

"Couldn't quite answer your questions, luv, what with the right good snogging we were involved in," he smiled, nuzzling his face into the dizzying scent of her hair. No longer was it pure Buffy but a blend of the day's events. The wild smell of nature on top of the calmingly musty scent of the crypt mixed with sweat and the lasting remains of her vanilla shampoo. But one thing was certain; still there, underneath it all was the undeniable scent of Buffy.

Buffy laughed and slapped the vampire teasingly in the chest. "And I wonder who's idea that was," she jokingly accused.

"Not like it was hard, luv. Beautiful woman in dental floss knickers laying beside me…not hard at all."

"Well," she said and grabbed his member in her hands, "it feels hard to me."

"Careful girl," he said, rolling on top of her, "or else you just might get staked." He finished by lancing his tongue across her jawbone.

The cool feel of Spike's tongue against her flesh was enough to start the familiar pulse between Buffy's legs. But as much as she wanted to feel him inside of her, she wanted one thing just a little more.

"Spike," she said, gently pushing him off. She smiled as he groaned in indignation, though he complied.

"I wanna talk."

Spike's first instinct at Buffy's words was to laugh, though it was cut short by a stake-like stare from the petite blond. He bit the inside of his cheek to prevent another guffaw and it took several minutes before he was in control of himself enough to speak.

"What was that, luv? For a minute there, I thought you said you wanted to talk," and his infamous smirk reappeared in all its glory.

"You know, you can be such an ass sometimes," she seethed and roughly turned away from him, crossing her arms like a petulant six-year old.

"Buffy, luv," he cooed and put a hand on her shoulder only to have it jerked away. He tried again with the same result before he decided that a little force was needed.

With vampiric speed, he grabbed both of her shoulders and whirled her around, clutching her to his chest. "Now, are you going to stop pouting like a baby or am I gonna have to hold you like this all night until you do stop pouting like a baby?"

The morose look on Buffy's face slowly dissipated, and was replaced by a more serious one. Spike wasn't sure whether or not he liked what her face was telling him. Yeah, and I'm the bloody poofter that always wants to talk, he moaned internally.

"Spike," she said softly as her features twinkled with concern. His hands to residence around her waist and he dropped his gaze from hers. It was something about her tone that scared him…like she knew his big secret.

"You never told me what was wrong earlier."

"Well, 's not like it was my fault," he huffed. "You were the one goin' on and on about my little song and dance for you." It was his turn to pout and he glared at her furrowed brow before crinkling his in confusion as she smiled.

"What?" he asked slightly unnerved.

"You…and me," she said and shook her head in disbelief. "God, I can't believe I'm gonna say this but we are so much alike."

Spike leaned back in order to get a better look at her. "You feelin' okay, Slayer? Cuz for a minute there I thought you said…"

"We are so bloody alike," she finished with an amused snort.

Spike couldn't help but return the laugh. She had that effect on him when she let out genuine amusement. It was more enticing than blood was to him and he couldn't get enough of it, though he often wished he could be privy to it more.

"How so pet?"

"A little secret about me Spike…of course you probably know already," she rolled her eyes to the ceiling, "but I tend to get a tad defensive when someone asks me something I don't wanna talk about." She glanced over at him and noticed the trademark smirk was firmly in place.

" 'A tad defensive' she says? Hate to burst your bubble Slayer but you're more impenetrable than the Walls of bloody Jericho itself."

"Hey!" she said and elbowed him in the ribs.

"Just bein' honest, luv."

"Well, keep it up, Dead Boy," she stroked the inside of his thigh and lowered her voice seductively, "and you'll see how impenetrable I can be."

"Watch it, Slayer," he said huskily, "you're not playin' by the rules."

"My room," she kissed him languidly, "my rules."

"Still not fair, pet," he managed between kisses.

"You know what they say; all's fair in love and war…"

They lost themselves in each other's tender touch for several minutes before Buffy nudged him away again.

"What?" he asked as she looked at him in reprimand.

"You're stalling."

"What?" He asked incredulously. "It was your bloody lips that were all over me!"

"Well," she said sweetly, "my room, my rules. And rule number one states…" she trailed off, allowing him to finish for her.

"That what Buffy says goes. Am I right?"

"Good to see you're catching on," and she kissed him once more on the lips before scooting away. "Now, spill it."

Spike turned his head to the ceiling and pursed his bottom lip between his teeth. As much as he didn't want to talk about what was on his mind, he really didn't see a choice. True, he could have strong-armed Buffy into leaving him alone but where would that leave him the next time he wanted to talk? Least by doin' this, I may get her to open up a bit more.

Buffy studied her lover intently as her eyes had adjusted to the moonlit room. His sunken cheeks had retreated even further into his face, a trait she had learned signified him being in deep thought. She smiled as she watched him chew his lip with a dogged ferocity all the while his eyebrows scrunched in concentration. Either what he's gonna say is really serious or he's editing it for Buffy, she conjectured. When he hadn't spoken for another few minutes, she opened her mouth to encourage him along when he uttered his first words.

"You know, I still dream about it."

"About what?" she asked, confused at his conflicting tone. Though it brandished the same hard edge on the surface, underneath it was an abundance of…Buffy couldn't quite figure it out just yet.

" 'Bout savin' you," he answered. This was so hard for him, to actually admit that he failed her and finally have her realize it. How would she look at him? With disappointment? Anger? Pity? Or worse, would she cast him off in disgust for letting her die? For letting Dawn be taken? Would she banish him from her and the Niblet's lives for good? His mind struggled with his heart, the former understanding that she would never blame him though the latter stressed that she should.

"Anyway, I was just upset about the Niblet and all," he waved casually after deciding against a true confession of his most shameful act. "Figured that it wouldn't have happened if we were here."

"Well," Buffy said, choosing every word carefully, "it's not like we really would have been prepared for a vampire that doesn't need a personal invite and all. I mean, what's the chance of that happening? I mean, I understand what you're getting at and I can't help but feel the same way…" she drew in a deep breath before letting it out. "But it won't help beating yourself up about it. It's done and all we can do is focus on what's necessary to bring her back unharmed." She stared at him pointedly before he risked a glance toward her. "You taught me that." She kissed him on the nose and he smiled back--tiredly, she noticed. Something wasn't right. The complete lack of fire in his gaze, the way he had started talking about saving her, the deliberate smoothness of his tone. Buffy gazed at him intently and gasped. It was right there on his face and the glassy film covering his eyes and the way his face had shrank when he had said he still dreamed about saving her.

"What is it, luv?" he asked after the sharp exhale garnered his attention toward her and away from his self-depreciating thoughts.

Buffy stared at the blond vampire who gazed back at her in concern. She had almost pushed herself off the bed when everything had fallen into place. Her hand had automatically shot over her lips and now she dropped it slowly back to the bed.

"You still blame yourself, don't you?" she whispered and Spike immediately tore his gaze away from her hazel stare.

"Well, if I hadn't held you up, maybe the Niblet…"

"Not that," she interrupted and leaned a little closer toward her wary lover. "You still think it's your fault that I…died."

Once the words were spoken, Spike felt a piece of him shatter. Never in a hundred lifetimes would he have thought Buffy would ever suspect the truth about his failure. Hell, it hadn't been more than a few hours that she had truly shown she cared and that he was more than a 'convenience'. He had no idea what to do so he did something very rare for him; he remained silent.

Buffy couldn't help but look at the downcast vampire in an eclectic blend of horror, shame and sympathy. How could she have not seen it before? Oh, I was too stuck on how everything affected me, how hard it was for me. I never thought two shits about what Spike felt or what he was going through, she berated herself. All these months of using him for her own benefit and she had neglected to see, or even consider, that he had feelings. No, that wasn't true at all; she knew he had feelings when she had called him convenient, knowing that she was twisting the knife into his belly.

"God, Spike," she whispered as the guilt threatened to choke her, "I've been such a bitch to you."

Spike presented a ragged smile at her self-deprecation and gently brushed a wave of hair out of her eyes. "Well, guess you have to be to stay on your toes, being the Slayer and all." His attempts at humored had no effect on neither of them.

"No," she said and couldn't help the mist forming in her eyes. "I've been more than a bitch. They don't even have a word for what I have been to you." Her eyes fell to his chest and she was unable to look into his blue oceans without falling apart.

Spike wanted to say something but what could he say when she was speaking the truth? She had been a bitch, using him when she felt the need while degrading him at every turn when said need had been satiated. True, he had done nothing to stop her, but his inability to say no didn't excuse her actions to any degree. Still, he loved her and no matter what she had said and done to him, he didn't want her to feel any pain.

"Luv, it's all right," he placated, trying his damnedest to lie. "You were going through a difficult time in your life and I was just…"

"What?" she cried, nearly hysterical as their eyes met. "Just because you're there means that I can treat you anyway I want. Oh wait, I forgot," she mocked sarcastically, "you don't have a soul, ergo, no feelings. Isn't that what I said." She saw him bristle at the memories her words undoubtedly conjured and immediately laid a hand on his taut shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Spike. I am so sorry," she said as tears drifted down her face. She still found it difficult to look him in the eyes and settled for his lips. "I have the one thing in you that I never thought I'd find; a man who loves me, all of me. Someone that doesn't treat me like I'll break, someone whose not worried if I can kick his ass or not and someone who sees my faults and accepts them." Buffy was stunned at how easily the words poured out her mouth and she paused for a second but continued lest the ever-comfortable denial reared its ugly head.

"Spike, I really don't know what to say. I'm always complaining about having a normal life--God knows I'll never have one--but the defining thing of being normal is standing right in front of me." She shook her head in disgust. "Sometimes I wonder if Tara missed something and I did come back wrong."

"Buffy," Spike said, "it's not like that at all. There is nothing wrong with. When I said that, I was being a bloody wanker. You are fine, pet."

"So why can you hit me? Why can't I even look my friends in the eye? Why do I treat someone that risked his life countless times for me like shit?" She noticed that his mouth opened and closed like a fish and no words emerged. "It would have been better off if I would have stayed dead." As soon as the words were out her mouth, she heard the strangled sob catch in the vampire's throat. When she finally looked him in the eye, Buffy really wished she could die rather than see the pain visible in his face. Here I am rambling about how evil a bitch I am and just forget about what he's feeling. Ever the selfish bitch, Buffy.

"There have been a lot of memorable nights in my hundred and twenty odd years, you know? Told you about my dances with the two slayers. Getting back at all the gits who berated me at that party the night Dru changed my life. Pounding the great Poof into the ground with the crowbar. That time you kissed me after Glory 'ad made me her whipping boy, " he glanced at her furtively, "the first time I was inside of you. Never forget a moment.

"But," he closed his eyes and let out a ragged breath, "the happiest moment of my entire existence was when I saw you walk down those steps." His eyes open and focused on her. "And for the first time in over a century, I think I felt my heart beat. For a hundred and forty-seven days, I dreamed that I saved you or that I could see you one last time…never thought I'd get the chance to. I couldn't even think straight. Didn't even think about how I failed you until I got back to me crypt. All I could think about was 'Why wasn't I better?' Until you came to see me that night, I thought you'd be disgusted with me…" he trailed off and Buffy could see how much this admission was costing him. She could practically feel the sorrow and guilt flow off him in waves.

"Spike," she said gently and took his hand in hers, "you didn't fail me."

"Didn't I? Last thing I remember is that you…died because of me. Because I wasn't fast enough or strong enough. You put your faith in me, something I had wanted from you for months and when the time came, I failed. I let you die," the last four words were spoken below a whisper and it was a miracle to Buffy that she heard them at all.

"Spike," she said with conviction. "You did not let me down. You did what you could. That was all I asked. How could I ask anymore?"

"But…"

"And I chose to jump off that tower. It wasn't your fault."

"That Dawn didn't get cut? That the portal opened? That there was no way in hell you were going to sacrifice the 'Bit, no matter what it cost? C'mon, Buffy. You never had a choice because I never gave you one." Tears that were once threatening now spilled freely down the vampire's cheeks and Buffy could do nothing but sigh.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Because," he forced through tears, "I am nothing but an evil, soulless thing. There is nothing good in me." Spike was so distraught that he failed to realize the irony in his words though the meaning was not lost on Buffy and she let her own tears burst forth.

"You're wrong, you know that?" she spoke calmly despite the ache inside of her.

"Wrong, luv? How so?"

"You may try to be the Big Bad. You may try to be evil. Hell, some of your actions may still be questionable. But you are not evil, Spike. Far from it. As far as the soul goes…it doesn't matter when you have humanity. And there are at least a hundred and forty-seven things good in you. For everyday you watched over Dawn. I knew you would watch over her and you did; for that, I thank you." She smiled and Spike couldn't help but to grab her into his arms. There were no kisses, only the tender embrace of comfort as he held onto her as a final vestige of life.

"As far as being a 'thing'," she whispered into his ear, "you're far from it. You're a man, William. A man that I am proud to know and honored to have love me. And if you're looking for forgiveness for that night, don't look at me," he stiffened slightly until she finished her thought, "because there was never anything to forgive. You did your best and for that I am proud of you." She took a deep breath as she listened to him fight the tears. She hadn't finished but she didn't think she could say the words that, at this moment, she knew she felt for him. Despite her bravado, she was still holding a piece of herself in reserve and she wasn't sure how to let it go. But she could say one thing, to let him know just how much she thought of him.

"I trusted you with her life then and I still do," a sob escaped his tight lips. "But more than that, William…I trust you with my life…and my heart…" she wanted to say it but at that moment, the hurt and pain and everything surrounding it burst forth and Spike cried in earnest. She held him like a child, whispering soothing words in his ears as he sobbed into her shoulder. Her own tears crept across his skin as she rubbed circles around his naked back.

Spike had only felt pain like this when he had come across the slayer's broken body all those months ago. As it was, all the pent-up shame was being released from its reservoirs in his memories. He had always thought he'd live with it the rest of his life and a part of him would. But the brunt of it all slowly dissipated from his soulless core and the weight perched atop his shoulders lightened considerably. She had called him a man (twice tonight) and had given him her trust. It was something that he could not fathom and he made a silent promise to himself that he would walk through the sun itself than to see her die again.

He had been given his reprieve and he knew that, at the very least, his steps would be considerably lighter now.

***So, what do you guys think? Hope I didn't scare you with the 'horrible' description about what Buffy found out--but to her it was. Just a nice little teaser, I guess.

***Well, the next chapter Pieces of the Same Puzzle, should be up by Wednesday, the 24th at the latest. I just finished before I posted this but it is very long (at least 6200 words) and there is a lot of revising I may have to do. It tells you about the real reason Jennifer wants Dawn and how they are both connected to Emerald. A lot of questions are answered though some more are brought up.

***Chapter 31, Dawn of a New Day, should be up by next Sunday. It will be the last chapter of part one. I am dividing the rest up into a second part as not to make this a daunting read when people see it. Note: Part 2 will not be a sequel but just the second part of the story. Everything is mapped out so there are no worries there. Part two will have a lot of action as well as a lot of angst. That's all I will say.

***Reviews are very much appreciated. Or you can write me at d_jasper77@hotmail.com.