Egypt Talk Show!!
Episode Eleven
Disclaimer: I ask you, do we have to do this each chapter? N. Lawyers: You must, or else lawsuits will be piled onto you. Me: But they've seen a disclaimer for the past 13 chapters! I'm sure they know they that I don't own jackshit. N. Lawyers: Some of them may be idiots and dumb assess, you must repeat. Me: *slaps them* DON'T YOU DARE INSULT THE REVIEWERS!! THEY MIGHT NOT REVIEW!! So you know, I don't own jack shit, and especially not this!!
Mai: Well, G. Joe you have a good time?
G. Joe: Hell yeah!!
Mai: Well, I want to introduce you to Vassili Zaitsev, Russian sharp shooter, and a total hottie!
G. Joe: *Gives Vassili a suspicious look* you look too much like me. *Circles him looking him up and down* you better stay away from my Alex. If you go near her I'll fucking wire you to the pluming system in a public bathroom at the county fair!!
Mai: *pulls G. Joe back* Simmer down Now!!
Alex: I won't take Vassili as long as I have you, G. Joe and Ardeth.
G. Joe: *gives Ardeth the evil eye* you like him too Alex?
Alex: Yes and if you hurt him you can say goodbye to bed and sleep on the couch for five years, while I'm in a Jacuzzi in Hawaii with Scott Gomez.
Mai: Everyone loves Ardeth. And everyone wants him too. Good thing the lab is making clones now.
Alex: Man, everyone wants my Ardeth. *Tsk, Tsk* too, bad. I get the original.
Mai: You are one lucky bitch.
Alex: *grins happily* I know!!
Mai: Everyone loves Ardeth and everyone loves Pepsi.
Alex: YAY FOR PEPSI!
Mai: Now today's issue is "I want to have a teary eyed reunion with my dad." Well here's a problem. Rick's dad won't come because he is in the hospital.
Rick: Bastard got what he deserves.
Mai: Evy's father is still trapped in the underworld and is being tortured by king Tut.
Evy: *whiny and sad* DADDY!!
Mai: Lock-nah's dad doesn't care about him.
Lock-nah: *SOBS*
Mai: *pats him on the back* It's okay Lock-nah, you still have the swords.
Lock-nah: *blows his nose and nods*
Mai: Anck's father, well we don't give a damn about her until the next Epy.
Anck: Well actu- *G. Joe throws a chair at her. * OUCH!! How dare you! You BASTARD!!! *Attacks G. Joe with a knife*
Alex: *Runs to G. Joe* NNNNOOOOOO!!!! *Grabs Anck's hand that holds knife and twists it. Anck lets go of the knife, Alex grabs it and starts stabbing her in the abdomen* YOU…FUCKING…LITTLE…CRACK… WHORE…THAT…DOESN'T…DESERVE…TO…LIVE!!
Evy: *walks over to her* Alex, can take a few stabs at her?
Alex: *stops stabbing Anck looks up is covered in blood* Huh? Oh, sure. *Hands Evy the knife* you can finish her. I'm done. *Evy stabs Anck like an insane freak. *
G. Joe: *takes Alex by the waist. * Has anyone ever told you that you look so sexy covered in blood?
Alex: *wraps her arms around G. Joe's neck* Well, no, you're the first. *They go backstage and do what they do best, make out;)*
Mai: *Is disturbed by Evy's psychotic breakdown. * We could have just wire her you know.
Evy: *pauses* Well, yeah but I really wanted to do this since she stabbed me. *Continues stabbing her like an insane freak*
Rick: Baby, you look so sexy doing that. I'm feeling oddly, aroused.
Mai: Rick, shut-up. Well, for today's issue Vassili's father couldn't come because he didn't want to and he's dead. Sorry Vassili. *Pats a sobbing Vassili's back* Ardeth's dad couldn't come because he is being tortured by dead turegs. So that leaves, oh my Ra, Imhotep. Get him, people who do all the work.
*The people who do all the work go out and get Imhotep's dad from a local casbah. *
*Backstage*
Immy's dad: Where am I?
P.W.D.A.t.W: you're backstage to Egypt Talk Show. Your son is front stage and we're going to have a big teary-eyed reunion with him.
I. Dad: Sure!
*On stage*
Mai: So Imhotep, do you remember your father?
Imhotep: Well, not much. He was always traveling because he was a merchant. He went to China and Greece a lot. He traveled for ten years after my birth. Then when he returned he said he wouldn't travel anymore, we thought that our money would be enough to sustain us until I took up the family business. We got rich off what he brought back, then Pharaoh Seti I took away 80% of our money leaving us poor. In fact he took all our gold and silver and bronze. We were left as simple little beggars on the street until dad started traveling again. For twenty years he traveled, in that time I became older and got a big break in the palace. I became interested in medicines and I was also an architect then I became high priest of Osiris. I never saw my dad again. My life was cut tragically short after I was caught trying to raise bitch-su-namun again. *Gets up and walks over to the insane Evy. * Can I have a go?
Evy: *stops, is covered in much blood. * Oh? Sure, but I want it back okay?
Imhotep: Okay. *Starts stabbing the bloody hell out of her.
Evy: He's good.
Imhotep: *stops gets up and hands Evy the knife. * This is a new loincloth; I don't want to get it bloodied up. *walks back to seat and sits down.* So that's all I remember. *starts to cry a bit.* He was such a good father, always looking out for what was best for the family!! I miss him Waahhh!!*starts crying*
Mai: Well Imhotep have we got a surprise for you. Bring him out People Who Do All the Work!!
*I. Dad runs out*
Imhotep: DAD?!?!
I. Dad: SON?!?!
Mai: Yes Immy your dad, Immy's dad, your son.
*They cry they hug they catch up on each others lives as they walk backstage. I hate going into emotional touchy feelings and shit. I hate emotions, make you weak and soft.*
Mai: Okay with that over let's go to the couple coming up from back stage, G. Joe and Alex. Now G. Joe Alex has a song she wants to dedicate to you. It's called Reel Big Fish.
You called me up last night in tears
And said you missed me after all these years
But I've been waiting here so long
I've gotten over it since you've been gone
You called me late last night again
And said you're finished with your new girlfriend
Asked if you could come back home-
So sorry that you left me all alone
You say you love me, you love me again
But if you love me, where have you been?
You say you need me more than anyone else well go to hell!
Where have you been?
You showed up at my door today
And said, "My friend why do you push me away?"
Your life with her was just so dull
But what we had was something wonderful
You say you love me, you love me again
But if you love me- where have you been?
You say you need me more than anyone else well go to hell!
Where have you been?
No way! You wish! I don't! Need this!
What makes you think I'd ever want you again?
Yeah right! As if! I don't! Need this!
What makes you think I'd ever want you again?
Again!
You called me late last night again
And said you're finished with your new girlfriend
Asked if you could come back home-
So sorry that you left me all alone!
You say you love me, you love me again
But if you love me- where have you been?
You say you need me more than anyone else well go to hell!
Where have you been?
Mai: Okay, I don't approve of that whole 'go to hell' thing. Why the fuck would someone want to send G. Joe, our adorable co-host, to hell. I need to think.
Vassili: Does sound kind of strange…
Mai: *sarcastic* yeah just a little.
Ardeth: You really think it's just a little strange?
Mai: I was being sarcastic.
Vassili: …I mean you thinking, it's just strange.
Mai: I'm not going to slap you for that because I like you. Now it's just wait for bids. People please review. And I'd like to thank all those who did and Queen-of-Egypt's apology. Tata!! Now everyone can make out with who ever they want but leave me out. *places a bowl of condoms on the coffee table which is used to hold my cue cards.* Just use these. Now know folks, I support safe sex, even though I don't have sex.
End Credits.