Egypt Talk Show
Episode Twelve
Disclaimer: Don't own the movies. N. Lawyers: She'd learning.
Mai: *yawns* Okay now that everyone is here, WHOA!! What's that? *Points to dead S. Joe and bloody footprints on the floor*
Rick: That's Stagehand Joe.
Mai: DUH!! I mean the footprints!! WHO KILLED S. JOE??? HE WAS MY FRIEND!! I feel sad now. My poor poor friend. *SNIFF* He's d-d-d-d-dead!
Evy: I bet it was bitch-su-namun who killed him, look her body is missing!!
Mai: My poor poor friend. Why him?? He was just a nice guy!! I need a joint. *lights joint and starts to cry on Vassili's shoulder*
Vassili: *pats her back* It's okay Mai, we'll find out who did this. I swear.
Mai: You swore that you'd get Major Kernig's rifle for Tania but you didn't. You gave it to dead Danilov. DANILOV!! WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE?!?!?!?! HE WAS CUTE!! *Takes huff of the joint*
Vassili: Well he said she was dead.
Mai: Okay I forgive you.
Lock-nah: Then who could it have been?
Mai: YOU!! YOU DID IT!! YOU FUCKING MURDERER!!
Lock-nah: I did not!!
G. Joe: Has anyone seen Alex?
Mai: Oh sorry that song, Reel Big Fish I'm sorry I misread the review it was dedicated to her ex-boyfriend. THE BASTARD!! And now she's at home, got a touch of the common cold I think.
G. Joe: She's sick?? MY POOR BABY!!! G. Joe's coming!!
Mai: *grabs him* you aren't going anywhere you sex crazed android!! I need someone to host the show while I grieve for my friend!! God has just blessed me; today's Maury Episode is who's the Father, now I leave you, G. Joe in charge of the fucking epy. I'll go get Sherlock!! *Goes off dragging Vassili with her using his coat as a tissue. *
G. Joe: But what about Alex… My Alex I pray that you get better. Today's issue is who's the Father?? Anck has with her backstage a baby she gave birth to a couple months back and wants to know who the daddy is. Imhotep, Or Seti I? Come out Anck.
Anck: *comes out holding baby. Everyone boos her*
Random person #1: You slut!!
Random person# 2: you little hoe!
Anck: Sh-
G. Joe: *throws a chair at her* you can't speak.
Rick: Where do we go?
G. Joe: You go into the audience now.
*Rick, Evy, lock-nah go be the audience with the Audience. Rick and Evy take the back corner seats that are in the dark *wink, wink**
G. Joe: So, Anck, you have a five-month-old baby here and you want to know who the dad is right?
Anck: Y *chair is thrown at her*
G. Joe: of course you do. We interviewed the two people that you think might be the fathers *pictures shown of Imhotep and Seti I backstage with their name on the screen. * Let's see what they said.
*First show Imhotep on a fire escape on some random building in NYC. *
Imhotep: I ain't that kid's dad, I don't want anything to d with Anck or that kid. She's just a slutty hoe that sleeps with more guys than she can handle. She's lying if she says I'm the dad.
*Then goes to Seti I as he is shoplifting from a thrift store in NYC*
Seti I: Go away, I command you. I am Seti I, The Living God of Egypt. I command you to go. I don't know anything about some bitch and her child. It is not mine.
*Goes back to the show. *
G. Joe: My Alex, I hope she's alright *S. Frank tells him their on the air* Oh, we're on the air? Who are you?
Stagehand Frank: Stagehand Frank, call me S. Frank, I'm S. Joe's replacement.
G. Joe: Don't tell Mai that. So anyways, we have here Imhotep and Seti I. Bring them out!
*They come out and the fans cheer for Imhotep and people just throw stuff at Seti I*
Imhotep: *to audience. * Hello, I'm hot ep! I love you all!! Now just send your bid and I'm yours. Lowest bid that can be sent in is in Episode Eight.
Seti I: Shut the fuck up!! I hate you all!!
*Audience throws sharp pointy objects at his snake. *
G. Joe: *shakes Imhotep's hand and ignores the Pharaoh. * Hello Imhotep, how are you today?
Imhotep: I'm well, thank you G. Joe.
G. Joe: well as you know we did a DNA test on the child and let's just skip why you and him think you aren't the baby's father. The father is… S. Frank???? What? We didn't do a test on you!! What's up with that??
S. Frank: *holding gun to them* Mwahahahahahahahahaha… I'll let you know a little secret… I killed S. Joe; he walked in on Anck and me while we were doing it a year ago while preparations for this were being made. He was going to give our secret away. He did the DNA test on me while I slept with Anck. He had to be silenced.
Sherlock: the culprit is not who we expect Mai.
S. Frank:???
Sherlock: *comes in with Mai and Vassili, Vassili's coat is still a tissue. Sherlock is studying the ground with his magnifying glass. Walks straight to S. Frank. * This man is the culprit, and he is about to kill everyone on stage. Why??
S. Frank: *rewinds tape and has them listen to his explanation. After it's done* that's why, and I was jealous of him. Mai gave him to be lead stagehand because he was a good worker and had potential and was nice. And me what'd I have? Potential, I did all I was told to do, I did everything!! He just walked around, telling us what to do, being lazy and all. I was working; I was good at my job too!! But you promoted him and not me!!!
Mai: YOU FUCKING MURDERER!! YOU WERE THE FUCKING LAZY ONE YOU FAT BASTARD!! LOOK AT YOURSELF!! YOUR STOMACH IS AS ROUND AS THE DOME OF THE ROCK!! YOU DIDN'T DO JACKSHIT!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!! *Kills him with a chair*
G. Joe: Ooh, that looks like it smarted.
Anck: Frank!! You bitch!! I'll kill you!! *Goes after Mai with a chair. *
Mai: *takes frank's gun and shoots her. * Well it looks like the kids an orphan now.
Vassili: Remind me not to get you mad.
Mai: oh, don't worry about it, I don't kill my favorite. characters in any movie.
G. Joe: But S. Joe is still dead.
Ardeth: I know!! We can bring him back with the Book of the Dead!!
Mai: *hugs him in a vice like grip* Thank you for the Idea!! I want you and Vassili to come with me. G. Joe, you take over the show while I'm gone. Sherlock, go away. *leaves dragging Ardeth and Vassili with her.*
G. Joe: Okay, tomorrow's topic is "everyone switches with their counter parts." Tomorrow you will know who you're switching with. Now the Q is: Could Spiderman beat Superman? I;m thinking no.
Evy: no
Rick: No
Lock-nah: You never no.
Imhotep: Maybe.
G. Joe: Look a telegram from Mai, Ardeth and Vassili from Ahm Shere! They say no!! And they're close to finding the book of the dead and another guest. Next Q is: Who's your favorite rock band?
Evy: Linkin Park
Rick: Ditto
Lock-nah: POD
G. Joe: Marilyn Manson Telegram from Mai, Ardeth and Vassili. Mai says: Mudvayne. Ardeth says: Papa Roach. And Vassili says: Ozzy Osbourne. Now that's all for today folks. See ya!!
End Credits.
AN: A moment of Silence for S. Joe……*SOBS*
Prices:
Person: Lowest price (this is a bid thing here)
Ardeth clone……..1 topic and two questions
Imhotep…………..3 GOOD topics (that I can understand) and 5 questions.
Lock-nah………….1 topic and 1 question.
Please review and thanks for your other reviews! J