Fire in the Mind

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: All characters (except for Mia and Tony) are the property of NBC and the producers of Third Watch. I'm not profiting in any way from this story (unless you call exorcising this idea profiting - which I guess it is, in a non-monetary sort of way).

Author's Note: My sincerest thanks to everyone who has reviewed the story thus far. Please, please, please keep up the reviews! They really inspire me to keep going, especially when I'm stuck. If you'd like to, you're more than welcome to send me a personal email at adalanta14@yahoo.com. Thanks for reading!

Chapter Four

Heat. Smoke. Pain.

Jimmy jolted awake, breathless, drenched with sweat. His heart pounded painfully in his chest, thumping in time with his rapid pulse. He gasped into his oxygen mask, trying to get the life-giving air into his lungs.

"Mr. Doherty, are you – " The woman's voice broke off when she saw him struggling to breathe. "Try to take slow breaths," she coached from her position by his side. "That's it…You're okay…You can breathe…Nothing's stopping you."

Jimmy closed his eyes and relaxed his tense body back into the hospital bed, automatically following the nurse's orders. Slowly, his rapid breathing eased, although the stabbing pain in his chest remained. Unrelenting pain had been his constant companion ever since he had first woken up four days ago, and he had been forced to grow used to it. But this sharp pain had only happened a couple of other times, whenever he overtaxed his damaged lungs. It hurt horribly. He had quickly realized what caused that particular problem and avoided making the mistake again at all costs. But sometimes…sometimes it just…happened.

When the agony had diminished to its normal, tolerable level, Jimmy opened his eyes and took in the nurse's concerned face. How did she know? he wondered. He glanced to his left at the clock on the wall. She was in here only an hour ago. Filled with curiosity, he wanted to ask how but knew that his lungs couldn't handle speaking at the moment.

"What happened, Mr. Doherty?" The nurse, Mia, spoke while she checked some of the monitors attached to him. "Your pulse skyrocketed and so did your blood pressure. Do you need something for the pain?"

Well, he thought, that explains why she came in right now. She saw everything on the monitors at the nurse's station. But as to what happened…he wasn't even sure himself. He hadn't been sleeping well lately – kept waking up abruptly from a sound sleep. The first day that he had regained consciousness, it hadn't happened. But as the days passed, the disturbances became more frequent. And the problem was, he didn't know what was waking him up so he couldn't avoid doing it, whatever "it" was.

Blinking, he noticed that Mia was still watching him, waiting for his answer. Unwilling to speak quite yet, he merely shook his head slightly on the pillow.

Mia laughed, her pretty face lighting up with a smile. "No, of course not. Why do I even bother to ask?" She picked up a damp cloth and wiped his face. "Are all firefighters as stubborn as you?"

Jimmy narrowed his eyes into a mock warning glare.

It didn't work. She only laughed again and raised her hands in a placating gesture. "Okay, okay. I'll lay off – for now. But I'm warning you, I'm going to ask Kim as soon as she comes in." Her sunny expression dimmed a bit as she stepped closer to examine the bandage on his right arm. "This bandage is bloody." She looked up. "Did you bump your arm?"

What the heck is she talking about? He lifted the arm in question to get a better look since he couldn't sit up. His right arm had been lacerated almost to the bone by some debris that had fallen on him during the fire. The four-inch gash, which had been stitched closed and bandaged, had not been mentioned to him the first time he had woken up. It stung every now and then, but the pain was nothing when compared to his other injuries. Now, looking down, he stared at the red marring the otherwise pristine white bandage. What did I do? He frowned, completely puzzled, and blinked at Mia.

"Don't know, huh?" She said in a sympathetic tone. "That's okay. Just give me a second and I'll have it taken care of." She quickly and efficiently unwound the bloody bandage, applied a medicinal cream, and rewrapped it. "There. Now, I want the truth. Are you feeling better?"

He nodded even though he was still in pain. There wasn't much the staff could do for him except give him another painkiller shot which would put him to sleep. And Jimmy didn't want to sleep. Not now.

The nurse remained doubtful. "Alright. Would you like a few ice chips while I'm here? It might help sooth your throat."

Jimmy nodded again and raised his weak right arm to push aside the oxygen mask. He winced as the cold ice first came in contact with his raw, burned throat but the discomfort disappeared after a few seconds. I'll never take drinking for granted again, he thought, relishing the feel of the cool liquid trickling down his sore throat. I hate havin' to take these chips. Why can't I just drink water like everyone else?

Because everyone else can drink water without almost coughing up a lung, he answered himself bitterly and shuddered, remembering the hideous experience late last night. I guess I shouldn't complain, though. I'm just glad that they pulled that damn ventilator tube out. I don't care how raw my throat is; at least I can breathe on my own again. Well…he reconsidered, more than I could before anyway.

He thought back briefly to the night before when Dr. Miller had decided (finally, in his opinion) to take him off the ventilator. At the same time though, he had ordered that Jimmy wear the oxygen mask; apparently, his lungs were improving but were not yet strong enough to provide him with adequate air.

He opened his mouth to accept another chip and continued to think as it melted slowly. He could talk now – a little. A few short words here and there. His voice sounded unrecognizable – raspy, weak, and pinched, like someone had a tight hold on his vocal chords. He'd only spoken seven or eight words since the tube had been removed about…He glanced at the clock. Let's see. They took it out at ten last night, and it's six now. Eight hours…Has it really been that long?

"Mr. Doherty?"

He snapped his eyes back to the nurse and saw that she was holding out another chip for him.

"Do you want anymore? You only had two."

He shook his head.

"Okay." Mia set down the cup on the stand by his head. "It's a good thing we still have you on IV fluids or you'd be totally dehydrated by now." She patted his right arm cautiously to avoid the bandaged area. "Try to get some more sleep. Kim should be here in an hour or so."

He smiled slightly in thanks as she placed the mask back over his nose and mouth. When this is all over, he thought, watching her check his vital signs, I've gotta do something for her. Mia was his favorite nurse so far - fun, lively, always ready to help, and she really knew her job. And on top of all that, she talked - really talked - to he and Kim whenever she saw them. Most of the other nurses were kind and efficient but kept their distance. Mia had confided in them both yesterday that she felt "the best way to help patients to get better is to get to know them." It was reassuring to know someone still thought that way.

"If you need anything, just press the call button, okay? I'm right down the hall." With a final smile, she stepped out the door, leaving him alone with his thoughts for company.

As he lay there, he thought back to the day before - the first time the doctor had allowed any visitors other than Kim. It had been a busy day, leaving him exhausted, but it had been worth it.

His parents were the first ones in. His mother's eyes had been red and swollen, and she had only managed a few sentences before she had burst into tears. His father had been a little better, although he had seemed more subdued than normal. Every once in a while, Jimmy would be listening to one of them speak and then sneak a glance over at the other, only to catch that one staring at him, like they were trying to look inside him. Those searching looks unnerved him. But the odd behavior didn't end there. A couple of times, his father opened his mouth to say something, and then, after a quick look at Kim, shut it again without speaking a word. He didn't know what that had been about but he'd been curious; although, with the ventilator tube still in, he hadn't been able to ask. He still felt guilty at the relief that had coursed through him when they had stepped back out into the hall, ending the visit.

His brother, Tommy, had stopped by, too, surprisingly. I didn't think he'd ever want to see me again after the last time I came to him. He winced at the memory of that day he'd spent trying to beg, borrow, and connive money out of everyone he could think of, including his own brother, to pay off his gambling debts. His brother's appearance, though brief, had caused him to think about the severity of his condition. The doctor had said it was 'touch and go' but what exactly does that mean? And Tommy had looked really worried, even though he'd tried to hide it. His brother's visit had given him a lot to think about in the last few hours.

The last visitors of the day had been some of the guys from his firehouse. That had been the best visit. They'd stood around, joking with each other, filling him in on everything that had gone on in his absence. Everyone had been there - Don, Manny, Alex, Doc, Carlos, the Captain, Shaun, T.J., Tony - No. Wait a second. He thought back to that visit, mentally replaying the entire twenty minutes in his head. Tony wasn't there. How could I have missed that yesterday?

Hmmm. Maybe he's workin' another shift and couldn't come. He smiled at the thought of Tony Rivetti - his best friend and training partner - going to work without him. He's probably drivin' everyone else crazy, trying to make up for my absence. Closing his eyes, he formed a picture in his mind of the wild Italian - fair skin, unruly black hair, and large brown eyes. Tony was a heartbreaker, though only in looks; in reality, he and his girlfriend, Tracy, had just gotten engaged after a two-year relationship. They'd set the date for October 31, just one month away. Jimmy still couldn't believe that they were going to get married on Halloween.

"You've got to be kidding, Tony! Halloween?!" He'd been appalled at the thought. "How on earth did you get Tracy to agree to that?!"

Tony had just grinned. "Believe it or not, she suggested it."

"No way! Why would she do that?" Jimmy had paused and then lowered his voice. "She's not related to Dracula is she? Cause I'm tellin' ya, man, if he's at the wedding, I'm stayin' away."

"Hey! That's my fiancée you're talkin' about!" Tony had whacked his arm jokingly. "No, she's not even from Transylvania. You wouldn't believe me if you heard the truth. And besides, you'd better be there, Doherty. You are my best man." The young man had snickered. "At least in name."

"Thanks, buddy. You keep that up and I just might 'misplace' the ring." He'd dodged another punch. "So, why Halloween?"

"Get this - It's her parents' anniversary!" Tony'd laughed as Jimmy's jaw had dropped. "I'm serious! Her father's terrible with dates. Her mother was so afraid when they got married that he'd never remember their anniversary that she picked a date even he couldn't forget. And Tracy wants her dad to remember our anniversary, so she suggested we get married on the same day."

Jimmy'd shook his head, completely amazed. "I have one word for you, buddy - crazy. The whole family is crazy."

"Crazy?" Tony'd replied, looking at him with wide eyes. "You're calling my fiancée crazy? This, from the same man who's always runnin' into burning buildings when we're told to get out?"

Jimmy opened his eyes with Tony still on his mind. It was hard to believe that Tony had only been at the 55 for six months. He was still technically a rookie firefighter, even though he had seen more than his share of fires. A firefighter wasn't taken off "rookie" status until he had completed a full year in the field, something that Jimmy just loved to rub in Tony's face. The Captain had paired them up for the first couple of months so the kid could learn the ropes from a "veteran" fighter. He and Tony were the perfect team. I bet the Captain moved him to First Shift until I can get back to work. He probably teamed Tony up with Mark; those two are a lot alike.

Hearing his door open, Jimmy smiled beneath his mask, knowing it was Kim. She's early, he thought with disbelief. I don't know how she does it. She left here about eleven last night, and it's not even seven in the morning.

"Hey, Jimmy." Kim said softly.

He swallowed painfully before reaching up to move the oxygen mask. "Hey," he rasped, wincing slightly.

"How's your throat? Still as sore as last night?"

"No," he lied.

Kim stared at him for a moment, then shook her head. "I was married to you long enough to know when you're lying, Doherty. You can't hide the fact that you're in pain, especially not from me. Remember, this isn't the first time you've been injured." She leaned over his right shoulder and placed the mask back over his face. "You need to keep that on, Jimmy. I know you don't like it, but you need it right now."

I swear, she knows me so well that it's scary. He took a couple of deep breaths of oxygen, and then removed the mask again, shaking his head when she moved to replace it. "How's…Joey?" This was the first time he'd been able to ask her any questions, and he'd been worried about his son. He assumed Kim's parents were keeping him but he just wanted to make sure.

Kim smiled at his concern, the first real smile he'd seen in a while. Her whole face seemed to glow for the briefest moment in time, the fatigue melting away. Oh, god. She's so beautiful. The thought came unbidden to his mind, and it was all he could do to hear her answer.

"Joey's fine. Well, I mean, he's worried about you. He really misses you. We all do. The firehouse isn't the same without you there." She looked down at the ground as she finished speaking.

Jimmy was puzzled by the response. Yes, he was glad that Joey was doing okay, but he wanted to know where he was staying. He can't be staying with Kim - she's never home anymore. She's always here with me. He tried again. "Where?"

Kim glanced up at his scratchy voice, and he was stunned to see the pain in her eyes that she quickly hid. "Where's Joey? Oh, he's staying with my parents. He's been begging to come see you, but…I think if he saw you now…it'll just upset him, Jimmy. You understand, don't you?" Her eyes pleaded with him to say 'yes'.

He nodded and brought the oxygen mask up to take a few more breaths. He had so much he wanted to ask her, so much he wanted to know, but his lungs were starting to hurt again, a twinge that served as an early warning sign of overuse. When he could breath again without the pain, he voiced the next thing on his mind. "How's…Tony…doin'?"

She continued on without answering him. "Everyone at the station said to say "Hi." They've been so great. Faith volunteered to take Joey for a while if my parents needed a break. Said that Charlie would love to have someone his age to play with at home." She chattered on and on, talking about this and that, everything…except what he wanted to hear.

Maybe he's takin' it hard, me bein' hurt. Nah, he told himself, Tony's seen me get hurt before - it's not like this is the first time or anything. He knows that this is a dangerous job.

Kim was still talking nonstop, hardly stopping to take a breath. After a few minutes, when he couldn't take it anymore, he stretched out his right arm and lightly brushed her arm to get her attention. She jumped and looked up, startled. Jimmy was shocked to see her eyes filled with tears, nearly overflowing. She paled visibly from his touch and lifted a shaking hand to run through her hair, completely forgetting that it was pulled back in a ponytail.

Something's wrong. He had the strangest feeling that something bad was about to happen - almost like déjà vu. The nagging feeling grew rapidly during the utter silence that followed, a combination of both worry and unease that began to manifest itself physically. Jimmy's chest tightened with apprehension, making his heart pound painfully against his damaged ribs. He began to feel sick, but he refused to turn away from Kim. His eyes remained locked with hers.

"What's…wrong?" he whispered, breaking the deafening silence.

Kim nervously shifted her feet. "No - nothing. Everything's fine. I just told you that." Her trembling voice betrayed her, and, by the horrified look on her face, she knew it. She turned her back to him.

His stomach was in knots, making him feel like he was going to puke. What could possibly be making her so upset? "Kim…" he rasped. "What's…wrong? Tell…me."

She shook her head, her long blonde ponytail swinging violently back and forth. He tried to get a look at her face, but she was covering it with both hands. Her shoulders shook as silent sobs wracked her small body.

He was beyond worry - now he felt full-blown fear. The last time that his ex-wife had acted that way had been when her mother had called, telling them that her father had suffered a heart attack. She'd been completely unable to speak, to tell him what had happened, for several minutes. He'd held her and told that he loved her over and over until she was over the shock. Damn! Of all the times to be trapped in bed!

"Kim," he whispered, voice scratchy and hoarse. "Please. Talk…to…me."

"Oh, god, Jimmy!" she sobbed quietly. "I-I'm so s-sorry."

Jimmy froze, barely breathing as the fear closed in, threatening to choke him.

"It's Tony," she said, voice hitching. She finally turned back to him and took his right hand in both of hers, her face streaked with tears, lips trembling. "He's…" she bowed her head, weighed down with agony. "Oh, god, Jimmy. Tony's dead."