Fire in the Mind

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: Third Watch is owned by someone else, not me. Unfortunately.

Author's Note: Wow! Thanks for all of the reviews! I really, really love to read them. Sorry this chapter is so late in coming, but I wasn't quite sure how I wanted it to go. I've gone through several drafts, and this is the result. Hope you all like it. Please, let me know what you think, especially about this chapter. Drop a few lines in the review section or email me at adalanta14@yahoo.com. Oh, yeah. It'll probably be a couple of weeks until I get the next chapter up – my life is kinda hectic right now.

Chapter Five

"Tony's dead."

Jimmy's world stopped, just…came to a screeching halt. For a time, he could do nothing but stare at his ex-wife in disbelief, her ashen face stained with tears. And then, the strangest thing happened. His senses went into overtime while his mind shut down.

He heard Kim sobbing, heard the steady beeping of a nearby monitor, heard his own painful, scratchy breaths. He felt the soft mattress beneath him and a warm dampness on his right hand, only vaguely realizing it was from Kim's weeping. He even smelled the antiseptic ointment that the hospital had applied to his lacerated right arm. Every sense became heightened…but for that brief and everlasting moment, his mind refused to work.

Then he blinked, and the world – and his mind – came back to life.

His very first thought was irrational, but he did not notice. That's one hell of a joke to pull, Tony, his mind slowly formed the words. It…It's not funny. He drug his gaze to the door and stared at it, waiting for his best friend to burst through, grinning at his latest practical joke. C'mon, Tony. Enough is enough. You can come in now. The joke's over.

"Jimmy?" Kim's voice echoed loudly in the silence.

His attention remained completely focused on the door. Nothing else mattered – not Kim, not the sudden temperature drop in the room. Nothing…except that door. O-kay. Any minute now…any minute, he told himself confidently.

"Jimmy? Jimmy, say something." Kim said, her voice trembling.

Not now, Kim. I – I'm waiting for Tony, he replied mentally. He couldn't look away – what if he missed him? A hand touched the left side of his face, and he flinched at its burning touch. But it was not enough to distract him from his vigil.

"Jimmy?! Look at me, Jimmy. Please!" she pleaded.

He ignored her, absently hearing her panicked words. He barely noticed when she moved away from his side, although he did feel the absence of her hand on his own, making it warm. Shivering, he wondered why the room had suddenly become so cold. His whole body was freezing, and the thin hospital gown wasn't helping keep out the chill.

Tony? Where are you? I know you're out there. I really need to see you right now.

The hospital door banged open, and a man rushed in, but it wasn't Tony. The man, who wore a white medical jacket, hurried in, a nurse following immediately behind. They surrounded his bed, blocking his view of the door. "No!" he wheezed painfully. "Move!" The words tore at his throat, but the physical pain was nothing compared to his desperate emotional need to watch the doorway. I can't see! Go away! He weakly struggled against the hands that held him down, preventing him from seeing the door. "Let…me…go!" he rasped.

Talking – everyone around him was talking or shouting. The words didn't make sense; they were just sounds in the background, gibberish. The figures began to blur into an icy blue-white. His body shook uncontrollably on the mattress. It hurt to breathe so he took short, shallow gasps to fill his heaving lungs.

"C-cold," he heard himself mumble over the concerned voices and closed his eyes. The blurry figures were spinning, and it was making him sick.

His body was ice – his stomach, his lungs, his heart. The very blood pumping through his veins was ice water, slowly freezing him inch by inch from the inside out. He barely felt the hands anymore – the cold was too intense. He was numb all over, even his mind. Finally, the coldness overwhelmed him, and the white blur darkened into blackness.

***********************

" – have him sedated right now. The medication should keep him out for a few hours yet. After that…we'll just have to see. He's going to have to face the truth sometime. We can't keep him unconscious for too long; it's not good for him mentally." A short pause. "Kim, how much did you tell him? Did you say what exactly happened to Rivetti? How they were found?"

"No! No. I – I only said that Tony was dead. I waited for some sort of response from him – anger, denial, pain – but…there was nothing. He looked at me for a few seconds, and then he just stared off into space. I couldn't get any type of response…He wouldn't speak to me – wouldn't even look at me! It was like – like he didn't hear a word I was saying. I know that he was shock but still…"

"Thank God he didn't find out before now, when he was still on the ventilator. At least his injuries are starting to heal. I think we got him sedated before he could do any more damage to his throat and lungs, but I'm sure he'll be in pain when the sedative wears off."

A hand touched his face, a feather light caress that he could barely feel through his numb body. "He's still so cold. His skin's like ice."

"He's still in shock, Kim. We're doing all we can – keeping him warm and monitoring him closely – but you know that it's going to take time for his body to physically recover."

"Physically – what about mentally?"

"Let's deal with one issue at a time, all right?"

The voices faded away into the gray mist that made up his world. He tried to think but he couldn't…his thoughts seemed to fall apart, leaving him with fragments that floated around him. His whole body felt cold and numb. His gray world faded away as the sedative regained control, sending him into a deep, dreamless sleep.

********************

Warmth.

The frightening coldness that had enveloped his body and paralyzed his mind had disappeared, leaving behind a blessed warmth from his head to his toes. The numbness was gone as well, allowing him to feel things: the warm blankets pulled up to his chin, the soft, comforting hand holding his own, and, unfortunately, the fierce pains that flared up each time he took a breath. I guess being numb isn't always that bad, he thought, ignoring the pain.

His mind wandered lazily through his last memories, trying to figure out what had caused the soreness in his throat and lungs. For that matter, when did I fall asleep? He couldn't even recall that. His last, clear memory was lying in bed, talking to Kim. She'd seemed upset about something, but he couldn't remember what. After that, the memories were blurred, indistinct shapes like shadows cast on a wall from a dim light. He concentrated harder, forcing his mind to bring those hazy images into focus. It didn't work. He got so far through his memory, and then…nothing.

That medicine I've been taking must really be strong. Too bad it can't take away all the pain. He lay there, resting, not ready yet to open his eyes and declare to the world that he was awake. He could have lain there forever, but it was not to be. The person beside him coughed, and though he or she tried to muffle it, it reverberated loudly throughout the small hospital room, causing Jimmy to jerk abruptly, startled out of his reverie.

"Jimmy? Are you awake?"

Kim. I should have known. Who else would stay by my side, asleep or awake? His lips curved into a faint smile beneath the oxygen mask as his eyes drifted open. What a wonderful way to wake up, he decided as he stared up at the beautiful face of his ex-wife. "Hey," he whispered, squeezing her hand under the mound of blankets that were heaped upon him. She smiled back, although he noticed that the expression did not reach her eyes.

"How do you feel?" she asked quietly.

"Warm," he replied slowly. That one word summed up exactly how he felt, both physically and emotionally. "What…happened?"

Kim's face froze, and her eyes welled up with tears. What – what did I say? he wondered, concern flooding him. She glanced down at the floor and then back up as a tear trickled down her cheek.

And something clicked inside Jimmy's mind. In that one second, everything came back. He remembered…

"It's Tony," she said, voice hitching. She finally turned back to him and took his right hand in both of hers, her face streaked with tears, lips trembling. "He's…" she bowed her head, weighed down with agony. "Oh, god, Jimmy. Tony's dead."

The memory burned like fire in his mind. His eyes widened in horror, still locked with Kim's own. He could see his own pain and grief mirrored in her eyes. For an instant, he couldn't feel a thing. Then, reality hit.

And he felt unspeakable pain.

The pain was different, something he'd never endured before. It surrounded him, squeezing tighter and tighter, crushing his chest, until he thought he would scream from the sheer agony. It flowed through him, ripping him apart inside, shredding his heart, leaving behind an emptiness that threatened to consume him. Finally, the agony became too much for him to bear and, using all the strength he possessed, he deliberately shoved it away, back into the dark recesses of his mind, to a place where it would remain hidden until he could deal with it.

Once he'd regained control of his emotions, he turned back to Kim, silently standing by his side. She made no attempt to wipe away her tears. He could literally feel the grief radiating from her, and only then did he remember how close Kim and Tony had been, how he'd always teased her, how he'd loved to roughhouse with Joey whenever he was at the firehouse. The once-happy memories flashed through his mind, bring another surge of pain. He waited a minute for the pain to die down before he spoke.

"When?" he asked simply, knowing she would understand what he meant. He could not force himself to say the word 'die' yet. It was too soon.

Kim cleared her throat. "Nine days ago."

He must have – it must have happened not long after I got hurt. He quickly figured up the number of days he had been in the hospital. When I first woke up, Dr. Miller had said I'd been here for five days. That was four days ago. Jimmy paused, stunned at he came to a terrifying conclusion. Nine days. B – but…that means – "The…same…fire?" he said aloud.

She bit her lower lip, nodding.

"What…happened?"

"We still don't know, Jimmy. The fire investigators have been to the sight several times to try and figure out what went wrong, but they haven't had any luck. Most of the apartment building was completely destroyed by the fire; there's only about one floor – two in a few places – left standing, and it was originally five stories."

Oh, my god. That must have been one hell of a fire to cause that much damage. The next question was much harder to ask, and thought he tried, he still couldn't verbalize the entire thing. "How'd…Tony…?" His weak voice faded away before he could finish.

Kim just shook her head. "Like I said before, we're still not sure what exactly happened."

Jimmy got the feeling that she knew more than what she was saying, but he wasn't in any mood to push her for more information. To be honest, he wasn't sure he really wanted to know what had caused his best friend's death. Part of him did, but another part did not. The more he learned, the more real it would become.

"Hey," his ex-wife said, getting his attention. "I ran into Mia on the way in this morning." She smiled – a real smile this time.

He was too relieved by the subject change to figure out where the conversation was going. "And?"

She laughed. "And she wanted to know if all firefighters were as stubborn as you are."

Oh, man! he whined inwardly. I thought she was just kidding about that! He raised his eyebrows, curious to see what she'd replied. After watching her stand there calmly with her arms crossed for a full minute, he couldn't stand it any more. "What'd…you…say?"

"Well," she stretched out the word. "I couldn't bring myself to lie to her, Jimmy. She's been so great through all this. She really is the best nurse I've seen in a while."

Jimmy glared as she smirked at him. I can't believe this! She's enjoying this! "Kim…?"

All right, all right." Grinning impishly, she relented. "I told her that, while all firefighters are stubborn, you're the most stubborn one I know – at least, at the 55."

"Thanks," he muttered, and then winced as the pain in his throat flared up again. He'd talked too much as his rebellious body was letting him know.

Kim say him flinch and she attitude became serious. "Okay. That's enough talking for now. Besides, you're supposed to be using that oxygen mask to breathe, not just for decoration." She placed the mask over his nose and mouth. "Try to rest for a bit. I need to call Mom and see how Joey is this morning. I'll tell him you said to say 'Hi.' I'll be back in a few minutes, and I expect to see you sleeping like a baby." She gave him a small smile and then walked through the door, leaving him staring after her.