Excuse Me?

Nimhi and Midnaite

No copyright infringement is intended. No profit is being made. This is a fan created work.

Notes: At this point, the best I can hope for is that everyone can just enjoy this as (hopefully) amusing bad!fic. There is no way to fix this ridiculousness. The OOCness, the ludicrous plot...guys, it's all downhill from here.

Chapter 3
Malfoy's After Me.

~ # ~

Hermione blinked. After yelling at Ron – though she was really more confused than upset with him - she had gone back into the castle looking for Harry. After searching a few likely rooms and the kitchen, she had come to Gryffindor Tower. The Fat Lady had informed her that yes, Harry had come through here. So she had gone up to the boy's dorm to talk to him.

"Oh…my…god…" she whispered, hands flying to her mouth in shock. "It wasn't a dream…"

Last night she and Ron had found themselves outside the Potions classroom, on the floor. Ron couldn't remember anything about how they had gotten there. Hermione, however, remembered everything. But, due to how ridiculous it seemed, she had decided it must've been a dream. Now blatant proof that it wasn't a dream was staring her in the face.

Harry and Draco curled together, dozing in Harry's bed. She felt her head spin and fought the urge to faint again before walking over to the couple. She hurriedly shook Harry and he awoke with a start.

"Wha…? Her…Hermione?" he blinked at her and set his glasses straight. Underneath him, Draco stirred. "Oh my god, Hermione!"

He jumped off Draco, startling the other boy awake.

"Harry?" he asked. Harry looked between Draco and Hermione and started to hyperventilate.

"He has to leave!" Hermione said, pointing at Draco. "Everyone's on their way back to the common room to hang out before lunch, he has to leave now!"

"You…you mean you don't…" Harry stuttered. Hermione cast him a look.

"We'll discuss that later. Right now, we need to get him out of here!" she said. "We can't have him go through the portal now, someone will see…we should…"

"Stop talking about me as if I'm not here." Draco said, crossing his arms. Hermione glanced at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Look, I'm sorry but…"

"Hermione? You in here?" Neville's voice called from down the stairs. The three teens' eyes widened.

"Figure something out, quickly!" Hermione hissed. Harry nodded as Hermione hurried out of the room. "Yeah, I'm here Neville."

"Er, Harry?" Draco whispered as the two huddled, wide eyed. "How am I supposed to get out of here?"

Harry shrugged nervously.

"I…I'm really not sure."

The two boys could hear the other Gryffindors arriving in the common room below. Draco fidgeted uneasily.

"So, what…what exactly would they do to me if…if they, you know, found me?" he asked.

"I really don't know." Harry said. "We've never found a Slytherin in our towers before. But they wouldn't do anything that would seriously damage you, I'm sure. At least, not if I vouch for you…"

"Well, thanks." Draco drawled sarcastically. "I feel ever so much better. Stupid fucking…"

Harry glared at him briefly.

"Once a Malfoy, always a Malfoy, I suppose…" he muttered. Then Harry's face lit up. "Draco! I've got an idea!"

Draco stared at the dark haired boy in disbelief.

"How can you have an idea?" he asked skeptically. "Even I don't have an idea."

Harry grinned.

"Stay here." He said, standing up. Draco rolled his eyes.

"Oh, like I have a choice."

"Shush."

Harry walked over to a trunk and quietly unlocked it. Once he opened it, he pulled out a silvery cloak and draped it over his arm. He walked back to Draco and threw it over the two of them just as Neville walked into the room. Draco's eyes widened and Harry clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Shh, he can't see us." He whispered. "It's an invisibility cloak."

Draco stared at him.

"Really?"

"Yes. Now shut up, and let's get out of here before someone closes that door!"

Draco nodded and Harry removed his hand. The two quietly crept toward the open door. Unfortunately, just as they got to the door, Seamus came barreling into the room, knocking the invisible teens over.

Seamus screamed as he fell, face first.

"What the…?" Neville gasped, spinning around at the noise.

Seamus screamed even louder as he realized that he had fallen on an inexplicably hard pile of air. Neville, catching on a bit, started laughing.

"Get off of me!" Harry screeched.

Seamus shrieked in shock as he heard the voice come from nowhere. Then he blinked. "Harry? Is that you?"

"Of course it's me, you halfwit!" Harry replied. "Now get off!"

Seamus scrambled off the invisible people and as soon as he was off, they scurried away.

"Why are you wearing your invisibility cloak Harry?" Seamus asked as Neville chuckled merrily. "Harry?"

"That was close." Draco whispered in Harry's ear as they made their way down the steps.

"Yes, I know, but getting through the common room and out the door will be even harder."

As if to prove his point, a third year boy ran right past them, almost hitting them. The boys glanced at each other nervously. They carefully dodged Parvati and Lavender, had their cloak stepped on by Colin, accidentally cried out a few times, unintentionally tripped a first year, and nearly got walked on by Dean before they made it to the portal. They stared at it.

"Now what?" Draco whispered as they moved out of a second year girl's way. Harry was about to answer that they'd wait until someone opened it when Fred and George burst in. Harry and Draco shot out the portal before it could be closed again. Once out, they crept into a dark hall and pulled off the cloak. Draco smiled mischievously.

"So, do you think I could borrow that sometime?" he asked. Harry eyed him.

"…Maybe." he said. He gave Draco a light kiss on the nose. "Now really, you should go."

Draco faked a pout.

"But Harry, I don't want to!" he whined. Harry gave him a lopsided smile and a kiss.

"I'll see you later, Draco."

"Bye, Harry."

Draco headed toward the dungeons and Harry walked the short distance back to the painting of the Fat Lady.

"Pistachios." He said to her and she swung open. The moment he stepped inside he saw Hermione waiting for him. She grabbed his wrist and pulled him up to her dorm. She practically threw him on her bed and sat down across from him.

"So when, exactly, were you planning to tell me about this?" she demanded. Harry looked down.

"Hermione, I…"

"When?"

"Hermio…"

"WHEN?"

"I don't know." He said finally. "Hermione, we just got together and I wanted to feel it out first. See what it'd be like with him…see if he's really who I think he is."

"Harry!"

"Really, Hermione, he's not that bad. He even offered to try and be friends with you and Ron, and he…please don't be angry at me…"

"Harry." Hermione's voice softened. "I'm not angry. I'm a bit hurt that you didn't think you could tell me, but I understand. But really, Harry, why Malfoy? Of all the men in the world, why choose him?"

"Like I said, he's really not bad at all, and he…he loves me Hermione, and I love him." Harry answered. "And I hope that's all you need to hear to accept it."

Hermione smiled.

"Harry, I never said I didn't accept it." She said, then she grinned wickedly. "Just one question…"

"What?"

"Is he hung?"

"Hermione!"

~ ! ~

"Hello uh…um…R..? R…Rolf? No, no, Rick?" Draco was trying to greet Ron the next morning. "Do allow me to try this again, hello Rachel? No, no that's not it, hello Remus? Hello…Ron! That's it! Hello, Ron!"

Hermione was staring in disbelief and Harry was holding back laughter. Ron, however, was eyeing Draco warily.

"What's your problem, Malfoy?" he asked suspiciously. Draco frowned, tilting his head to the side.

"Great Merlin, Ron, you needn't be rude." He said. "I was just trying to be nice."

With that he stuck his nose up and stalked away. Harry and Hermione burst into laughter.

"He called you Rachel!" Hermione snickered. Harry lifted his glasses and wiped tears of mirth from his eyes.

"Why was he even calling me by my first name?" Ron asked. "Why do you two think this is funny? That slimy git is probably up to something!"

Hermione shook her head, still giggling.

"Oh Ron, don't you think that just maybe he really was trying to be nice?" she asked. Ron frowned.

"Impossible." He said flatly. Harry smiled and they all continued walking toward the Great hall for breakfast. When they walked in the door Draco spotted them and waved. To keep up appearances, Harry and Hermione gave him a suspicious look and Ron looked positively frightened. He hurriedly made his way to the Gryffindor table and sat by Neville. Hermione sat next to him, and Harry sat across from them, next to Seamus.

"G'morning, all." Seamus said pleasantly, piling food on his plate. "I trust you slept well?"

"Malfoy's after me." Ron said. Seamus blinked and looked at him.

"Right then…" he said raising an eyebrow. "Maybe not so well…?"

"I'm serious, Seamus!" Ron hissed. "He's after me!"

"Why would Malfoy be after you?" Neville asked, nibbling on a piece of toast.

"Devil only knows." Ron said flatly, "But he's after me."

Seamus glanced at Harry who smiled lopsidedly and shrugged. Seamus grinned and turned back to Ron.

"It's in your head, mate." He said. "Have a piece of toast."

"Seamus! How can you offer me toast at a time like this?" Ron said in exasperation. "Harry! Hermione! Neville! I mean it, guys!"

"I resent that remark." Hermione said teasingly. "I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a guy."

Ron sent her a look. He opened his mouth to say something else, but the windows opened just then and the mail arrived. Owls swooped down from overhead, and the Gryffindors were shocked to see a very familiar eagle owl drop two letters at their table. One on Harry's plate, one on Ron's. Ron picked up his letter cautiously. Slowly he opened it.

'Dear Ron,

I would just like to take this opportunity to apologize for all the insults and slander that I've thrown at you for the past few years. I really have nothing against you or your family. I've been a bloody git and I'd like to beg your forgiveness and perhaps eventually, become your friend.

Yours,
Draco Malfoy'

"Seems nice enough to me." Neville said plainly, reading over Ron's shoulder. The redhead stared at him incredulously.

"Are you insane?" He asked, none too quietly. Neville colored. "It's a trick! Some kind of elaborate trap!"

"Breaking out the big words." Harry whispered jokingly to Seamus. The blond giggled then nudged Harry.

"Be careful." He whispered teasingly. "Malfoy's rubbing off on you…"

Harry threw him a mock sneer. Ron was still ranting to Neville about Draco's evil plot. Over at the Slytherin table Draco was smirking as he listened to Ron's ridiculous assumptions.

"So Draco, what exactly is your plot?" Pansy asked coyly, brushing her hand against Draco's arm. He smiled disarmingly at her.

"The plot, my dear, is simply that there is no plot." He said. Pansy looked confused for a moment before masking it.

"Oh," she said, pretending to understand. "Yes, of course, brilliant."

Draco shook his head and rolled his eyes slightly.

"And finally, take over the world!" Ron ended his speech by jumping out of his seat and pointing to the sky. Harry, Seamus, Draco and Hermione couldn't help themselves, they burst out into hysterical fits of laughter. Ron looked at them confused. "What? It's plausible."

~o~