A/N: This fic contains spoilers for Seeing Red, Grave, and a tiny one for Beneath Me. It is set some time after Beneath Me. Please assume that those are some of the thoughts Spike's having in the basement when when he isn't completely crazy...

It contains references to mythology, and will probably make no sense if you don't know a thing about Psyche. Here is a brief summary of her story:

Psyche was the daughter of an ancient king, and she was so extremely beautiful that she aroused the envy of the goddess Venus. In an effort to eliminate this alluring rival, Venus sent her son Cupid, the God of Love, down to earth to make Psyche fall in love with the ugliest mortal man. Cupid instead fell in love with her, and carried her off to a secluded palace where he visited her only by night, unseen and unrecognized by her. But her jealous sisters convinced Psyche her invisible husband must be a monster, and one night Psyche lit a lamp and looked upon him while he slept. She saw him and learnt who he was, but she also dropped boiling oil from her lamp on his back, thus hurting him. Cupid left her and went to his mother, and Psyche was left to wander desolately throughout the world in search of him. Venus then plotted to torment and possibly kill the princess by diabolically pretending to test the maiden's diligence with four seemingly impossible and dangerous tasks. Thanks to supernatural intervention (ants, a stream, an eagle and a tower), Psyche miraculously survived. She was reunited with Cupid and was made immortal by Jupiter, king of the Gods. Venus gave the couple her blessings and they lived happily ever after.

There is also a reference to Orpheus and Eurydice. To make their story short, Orpheus entered the Underworld to recover his beloved at her death. She was allowed to follow him on the condition that he did not turn back to look at her during the ascent to earth. When he saw the light of the day at the entrance of the Underworld, Orpheus turned to his wife, and lost Eurydice forever.

The sentence 'Madame Eurydice Reviendra Des Enfers' comes from Orphée, by Jean Cocteau (the play, not the movie).

Psyche

He couldn't remember the last time he had seen a butterfly. He had seen many moths during these past 120 years, but they were no butterflies to him. Even though their French name was 'papillons de nuit'.

In a way, he could relate to them. Moths were colourless, shapeless, worthless, striving for light though light often hurt them. He had once spent a whole night staring at a moth whirling around a light bulb. Considering whether he should find a halogen lamp somewhere, to spice up his next moth-staring session, then deciding against it. He had caught the moth, crushed it between his fingers, then gone to eat himself a teenage girl.

A butterfly of the night. That was what he had thought he would become. Not a mere moth, a butterfly. A being that flew from flower to flower, uniting their seeds, thus making more flowers exist.

He had hoped in vain.

In a way, he couldn't help but compare himself to Psyche. Psyche had found Love, then had lost him, and had had to spend trials in order to gain him back. Spike had found and lost his love as well, but where Psyche had found help, he had found more trials. Psyche had been helped by ants; Spike had been hurt by bugs. And eventually, after all her trials, Psyche's Love had pulled her out of her misery, and brought her to the Olympus. They had lived happily ever after.

Literally.

Spike already had immortality. He had gained it when he had lost his soul. And he wanted to keep it, he wanted to live - not to make a difference, only because he enjoyed himself so much. But something was amiss.

Psyche could only meet her husband at night. He would join her in the dark, love her in the dark; she didn't know his name. There were missing parts, and because of them, she could not trust him completely. She tried to see him in the light, and ended up hurting and losing him. Her own sisters lead her to hurt him. Her trust was misplaced.

Buffy had hurt him, too. And she had not trusted him, of that he was sure now. How could she have, when he did not trust himself? Truth was, he still wanted her to. And he needed to know he could be around her and not hurt her. He had thought what had happened in the bathroom was the result of his lack of control over his demon. He realized now he had been fooling himself.

It was not the demon that had tried to hurt Buffy that night; it was the man.

He was uncontrollable. And no soul would change that. He had never had any limits whenever love was concerned.

Psyche had not known any limits either. Of course, the bint had had all that help from these ants and this eagle and this tower - of all the things! A tower. But she still had gone to Hell because she had thought it would help her get her Love back.

Oh, the demon Spike had met in Africa was nothing like Venus, and he was no God. But in a way, he had made him go to Hell as well. Or maybe Spike had made himself go to hell. And he had forgotten to go back.

Whatever. Bugger this all. Now that he thought about it, he was more like Orpheus. 'Madame Eurydice Reviendra Des Enfers'. Mrs Eurydice will come back from Hell. Only "merde" meant "shit". Talk about dramatic irony. Orpheus was meant to screw things up. No way Eurydice would get out.

Spike had gone back too early. He should have waited to be out of Hell before he turned back to see her again. Of course, she had been the one to come to him in the first place; but that didn't mean he had to go and offer her his help after that, did it? He was the one needing help.

But he had met no stream, no ants, no tower. And there was no way his love would forgive him.

Not a butterfly of night. A mere moth. A shell of a butterfly.

In ancient Greek, Psyche meant butterfly.

It was also the word for soul.

FIN-

Thanks for reading!