Title: Play Along
Author: ixchelmala
Genre: Gen
Pairing: none
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Harry and Draco belong to each other, JKR, &WB
Summary: Draco's musings about his parents and the world he's alone in.
AN: This is inner dialog, for Draco. AN experiment to see what's inside him.
*******************************************************
Play Along
Fuckin Harry Potter! That idiot git! He thinks he has it so bad... if he only knew....
Shit, here I am sitting in these fucking clothes pretending to have to be nice to him and be a fucking figure head... I hate this! I hate my parents... they are self interested asses... if only Harry knew what he has.
Not everyone has a fucked up childhood like his... some people have them like mine.
What?! What's so fucked up about *my* childhood? well, lets start by the mere fact that my parents had me so they could have an heir. They didn't want a son. They didn't want a child they could love and adore. They wanted a living being the could pass their *things* along to. keep the line going. They wanted a play thing they could dress up and show off. A pawn. An object to be used against others or for others when they needed it...
And what do I do? I play along... I hate it! I FUCKING hate it! And you ask what the hell do I have against Harry Potter then? Well, I *am* allowed to hate him. It's ok to do that, so I do. If I have a place I can pour my frustrations of my parents lack of love and affection towards me and Potter can be that focus, then so be it.
People think I'm obsessed with Potter. Maybe I am. I have my reasons. I'm more likely to get him to show me physical attention via a fight or a duel than from my own parents showing me love via a hug or a kiss on the head. The closest I'd get might be a slam of fathers cane on my shoulder. Perhaps a cool stare from my mother, if I looked presentable.
Then I see how at the holidays everyone is all lovey dovey and kissing and holding each other. It not only does this make me sick with envy, it pain me insides that I have the ache of wanting in the worst way, of wanting the very same thing. Yet, I can't have it. It will never come. I will starve until I do something which will call attention to my transgressions. Then the physical contact that may result will be in the form of punishment. Similarly when I present myself as my mother wises and I hope that this time around it will be good enough for her to merit her true affection or compliment all I get is the odd cold detached kiss of mother that lands in the air next to my cheek followed by a second and third one that were never meant to be felt, just heard and seen by other lookers on.
Fuckin Potter! He just smiles and laughs and doesn't know true pain of being alone. Being alone can be so hard. Painful. Bitter. You can be in a room full of people and be utterly alone. Your entire family can be present yet you're standing in a vacuum. What's worse is you have to keep up appearances and do so in hopes that someone will notice. And they do, but it's never mother or father that do.
Yes, I thought at one time that perhaps if I played the game my father taught me, that he might love me more, perhaps hold me the way those Weasleys get held by their parents, but all it got me was on the spot criticism from father. I hate his eviler-than-thou crap!
Maybe I'm just looking for affection in the wrong place?
Maybe I don't need affection?
Maybe I'm not a real Malfoy?
I mean wtf?
I know mother and father *had* me, but perhaps that's just it, they had me and were done with it. Don't they realize I need to be given all those things that let kids know they are loved and appreciated that go beyond just material possessions? Don't they realize how better off I would be having those things? Instead they have a half starved child who pours his frustrations of feeling less important less loved than a boy the entire wizarding world loves and adores. A boy that commands the attentions of father.
Sometimes I wonder if they would have had me at all if an heir wasn't needed.
I wonder if I ever had siblings that mother aborted.
I wonder if father would have wanted a second son or a daughter perhaps?
Yes,I do enjoy all my lovely presents from mother and father, after all it's the only physical indication of their feelings for me. If this is love and affection from them, then what the fuck is everyone else on about?
Author: ixchelmala
Genre: Gen
Pairing: none
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Harry and Draco belong to each other, JKR, &WB
Summary: Draco's musings about his parents and the world he's alone in.
AN: This is inner dialog, for Draco. AN experiment to see what's inside him.
*******************************************************
Play Along
Fuckin Harry Potter! That idiot git! He thinks he has it so bad... if he only knew....
Shit, here I am sitting in these fucking clothes pretending to have to be nice to him and be a fucking figure head... I hate this! I hate my parents... they are self interested asses... if only Harry knew what he has.
Not everyone has a fucked up childhood like his... some people have them like mine.
What?! What's so fucked up about *my* childhood? well, lets start by the mere fact that my parents had me so they could have an heir. They didn't want a son. They didn't want a child they could love and adore. They wanted a living being the could pass their *things* along to. keep the line going. They wanted a play thing they could dress up and show off. A pawn. An object to be used against others or for others when they needed it...
And what do I do? I play along... I hate it! I FUCKING hate it! And you ask what the hell do I have against Harry Potter then? Well, I *am* allowed to hate him. It's ok to do that, so I do. If I have a place I can pour my frustrations of my parents lack of love and affection towards me and Potter can be that focus, then so be it.
People think I'm obsessed with Potter. Maybe I am. I have my reasons. I'm more likely to get him to show me physical attention via a fight or a duel than from my own parents showing me love via a hug or a kiss on the head. The closest I'd get might be a slam of fathers cane on my shoulder. Perhaps a cool stare from my mother, if I looked presentable.
Then I see how at the holidays everyone is all lovey dovey and kissing and holding each other. It not only does this make me sick with envy, it pain me insides that I have the ache of wanting in the worst way, of wanting the very same thing. Yet, I can't have it. It will never come. I will starve until I do something which will call attention to my transgressions. Then the physical contact that may result will be in the form of punishment. Similarly when I present myself as my mother wises and I hope that this time around it will be good enough for her to merit her true affection or compliment all I get is the odd cold detached kiss of mother that lands in the air next to my cheek followed by a second and third one that were never meant to be felt, just heard and seen by other lookers on.
Fuckin Potter! He just smiles and laughs and doesn't know true pain of being alone. Being alone can be so hard. Painful. Bitter. You can be in a room full of people and be utterly alone. Your entire family can be present yet you're standing in a vacuum. What's worse is you have to keep up appearances and do so in hopes that someone will notice. And they do, but it's never mother or father that do.
Yes, I thought at one time that perhaps if I played the game my father taught me, that he might love me more, perhaps hold me the way those Weasleys get held by their parents, but all it got me was on the spot criticism from father. I hate his eviler-than-thou crap!
Maybe I'm just looking for affection in the wrong place?
Maybe I don't need affection?
Maybe I'm not a real Malfoy?
I mean wtf?
I know mother and father *had* me, but perhaps that's just it, they had me and were done with it. Don't they realize I need to be given all those things that let kids know they are loved and appreciated that go beyond just material possessions? Don't they realize how better off I would be having those things? Instead they have a half starved child who pours his frustrations of feeling less important less loved than a boy the entire wizarding world loves and adores. A boy that commands the attentions of father.
Sometimes I wonder if they would have had me at all if an heir wasn't needed.
I wonder if I ever had siblings that mother aborted.
I wonder if father would have wanted a second son or a daughter perhaps?
Yes,I do enjoy all my lovely presents from mother and father, after all it's the only physical indication of their feelings for me. If this is love and affection from them, then what the fuck is everyone else on about?