Disclaimer: No one has offered to buy Evangelion for me so I still don't own Evangelion but that's no surprise.
Author's Notes: Well I haven't completely lost interest although I did for a while there. As mentioned, this has a little more explanation on what the characters are thinking. However I don't expect to please everyone or anyone for that matter.
Shinji's Lullaby
Chapter 4
A long low note began and then shifted into a well rehearsed scale. The notes were smooth and perfect in tone as Shinji's fingers moved along the stings forcing the notes to a higher pitch. The four new stings seemed to resonate with greater harmony than his discarded old ones. The shape of the room also helped since he sat at the epicentre as if he was standing in the focal point of an amphitheatre.
It was a lounge and relaxation room that was frequented by the bridge crew but rarely by anyone else. The room would have been square if the two bathrooms on either side hadn't been there, their addition made the room into a T shape. At the moment he sat in the narrow section between the two bathrooms where seats lined the walls. In the centre were some coffee tables and on the wall opposite him were lined a various array of vending machines. To the sides of the machines were the exits and the entrances to the bathrooms, all of which were out of Shinji's view.
He let the notes fade away as his removed the bow from the strings and let his fingers relax.
"Freak," he murmured to himself as an old memory resurfaced.
"I'll say," Shinji nearly dropped his cello as the louder voice echoed through the room. He looked up to see Lt Aoba and Lt Ibuki standing in front of him.
"Don't say that," Maya spoke in a hushed but annoyed voice as she poked Shigeru in the back.
"But he said it," he innocently pleaded as he pointed at Shinji.
"You didn't have to agree with him," Maya continued as Shigeru sat down.
"Actually I am a bit of a freak," he meekly pointed out to Maya.
"Just because you pilot an Eva doesn't make you a freak," Maya stated firmly trying to boost his confidence.
"Umm… Lt Ibuki… I was referring to my cello, not piloting," Maya looked confused but Shigeru seemed to understand.
"Why are you a freak? I mean you weren't playing anything that extraordinary," Maya cautiously asked knowing Shinji suffered from a fragile psyche.
"He tuned the cello without a tuning fork or another instrument to use as a comparison. He basically just tuned the cello by ear and did it perfectly," Shigeru elaborated for Shinji.
"I just said I was a freak because that's what my teacher called me when he saw me do it for the first time. I was only eight so I didn't really understand at the time." Shinji missed Shigeru's wide-eyed stare as he leaned forward to arrange the music papers in front of him.
"What do you have there?" Maya asked as she sat down opposite Shigeru. He also leaned forward to look at the music Shinji had written.
"Your own work?" Shigeru asked as he began to play out the notes in his mind.
"No, I'm just trying to write down an old song so that I can play it," Shinji stated hesitating in front of his audience. As far back as he can remember the only person he willingly played for was his teacher.
"So are you going to play?" Maya asked hopefully as Shinji sat fidgeting with his cello.
"Okay… but it won't very good. I haven't practiced this piece and I'm not very good so…" Shinji rambled before he was cut off.
"Why don't you just play and let us decide?" Maya's reassuring stopped Shinji and made him increasingly anxious since he couldn't really say no. He tentatively placed his bow against the stings and looked down at the music. Thankfully the cello didn't make any unnatural noises but by the time he had done five bars he could tell his notes were wrong. He stopped and frowned at his notes, trying not to glance up at the two people watching him.
"Why did you stop?" Maya asked. She knew nothing about music but the song had sounded wrong even though Shinji seemed to play perfectly well.
"My notes are wrong," Shinji stated still trying to see the error he had made.
"What song were you trying to play?" Shigeru asked as he leaned over Shinji's shoulder to see if the title was on his notes.
"Here," Shinji offered as he pulled out his SDAT from his bag. He handed the ear buds to Shigeru who placed them in his ears. Shinji selected the track, which he had transferred from the CD and hit play. Shigeru's face lit up with instant recognition.
"I know this song," he beamed as he took some of the blank music paper and started scrawling notes on it. Shinji and Maya just watched as he filled up bar after bar with notes.
"Looks like he can play more than just air guitar," Makoto mused as he sat next to Shigeru. Shinji felt a little more anxious with three people he barely knew grouped around him.
"Shinji do you mind if I ask you something?" Maya's timid voice seemed to intrigue Makoto who watched her carefully. Shinji paused a little before he nodded yes.
"Umm… well… it's kind of personal and I don't want to pry but…" Maya struggled to find an easy way to ask her question but Makoto beat her to it, although with not as much subtlety as she wanted.
"She wants to know it the rumours of you sleeping with Asuka are true?" he blurted out. Maya and Shinji blushed heavily but Makoto seemed unfazed by the matter. In truth he had already asked Misato himself so he knew a little about what was going on. Shigeru continued writing but listened to the conversation through the noise of the SDAT.
"Well… I suppose it's kind of true… in a literal sense," Shinji hastily added the last part as the shocked looks began to appear. They still looked a little astonished but that was due to the fact that it confirmed there was a relationship between the Second and Third Children.
"So you are just dating then," Maya asked and Shinji confirmed with a nod of his head. They slipped into silence with Maya studying some reports, Makoto sipping his hot coffee that he procured from a vending machine and Shigeru still transcribing the music. Shinji studied his old notes trying to see where he went wrong but finally gave up as Shigeru stopped the SDAT.
"Here have a look at these," Shigeru passed Shinji several pages of notes. They were scratchy and full of corrections, which contrasted greatly with Shinji's careful and precise notation.
"Ah… Lt Aoba this is written for a guitar," Shinji pointed out, much to Makoto's amusement.
"Good work Shigeru, if you haven't noticed, he plays the cello," Makoto remarked but Shigeru just scowled at him.
"I know he plays the cello but I don't know how to write music for the cello. Besides I used to play this song with my band back in high school so I know that this is the right music. Shinji just has to convert it for a cello," Shigeru voice was restrained as he defended his notes.
"Whatever but it looks like our break time is up so we better go. See you later Shinji," Makoto collected his trash and started to walk out.
"Good luck with it Shinji, it shouldn't be too hard to change," Shigeru encouraged as he followed Makoto.
"You should play it for us when you are done. Bye Shinji," Maya spoke over her shoulder as she exited behind her two counterparts.
"I'll see you all later," Shinji called after them as they left. When they were gone he turned his attention back to the music in his hands. He was trying to understand how he could perform it with a cello but so far was drawing a blank. Trying to clear his mind, he dropped the notes onto the table alongside his old notes. As he looked over both of them he could see the similarities and where his notes deviated from Shigeru's. With that in mind he started editing his notes to compliment Shigeru's and as he hummed the tune, he could tell he was getting closer.
Shinji looked over the vending machines trying to decide what exactly he wanted. He didn't want something with a lot of caffeine and that was severely limiting his choices. He had spent a lot of time fixing the mistakes in his notes and then he had made some tentative attempts at playing the music. So far he was closer but still had to make some adjustments to them and master a few tricky changes in the notes. He only knew a few songs he enjoyed playing and hadn't really endeavoured to write his own music. However he found that he was enjoying his music for the first time in a long while.
"Let me get that for you," Shinji stopped as a hand reached over his shoulder to deposit some money in the machine. Shinji made his selection and took it from the machine and stepped aside so that Kaji could claim his change. Kaji moved to the next machine and selected a drink for himself as Shinji took his first mouthful. Shinji eyed the unshaven man as he took a drink of his coffee before he started to return to his seat.
"If you are looking for Lt Ibuki she left twenty minutes ago," Shinji called over his shoulder unaware Kaji was following right behind him.
"What makes you think I was looking for Maya?" Kaji asked a mildly surprised Shinji who hadn't expected him to be that close.
"Well Misato says the only thing you seem to do here is chase the female techs," Shinji stated as he settled back into his seat and Kaji sat down to his right.
"Is that what you think I do?" Kaji chuckled and drank some more of his coffee.
"I haven't seen you do anything and no one has ever told me what you do here," Shinji quietly replied. It was strange that he'd been waiting here expecting and wanting him to show up but now he was here he didn't know how to bring up what he wanted to talk about.
"Let's just say that I only chase women in my free time." Kaji sipped his coffee hoping Shinji wouldn't ask for more than he could answer. Shinji just stayed silent not knowing how to start a conversation, especially on the topic he wanted to talk about.
"So why are you still here? I thought the synch tests ended a while ago," Kaji innocently asked.
"Misato wanted to take us home herself so she told me to wait here while she and Ritsuko talked with Asuka and Rei." Shinji took a long drink from his can and Kaji waited till he finished before continuing.
"So the girls having a private meeting," he mused as he rubbed his stubble. "You wouldn't happen to know what they are talking about?" Kaji watched Shinji fidgeting nervously under his gaze and a faint blush beginning to appear on his face.
"Sex," Shinji said in a barely audible voice but Kaji continued talking at his normal volume.
"Considering the recent change in your relationship with Asuka that is probably a prudent thing to do but I'm surprised they didn't include you in their little discussion." Kaji watched as Shinji made a lot of little sips from his drink hoping that the can would somehow hide his face.
"Misato wanted to talk to me separately," Shinji admitted in a slightly stronger whisper.
"I thought Misato might have been more accommodating and asked me to talk to you. I mean it would be far more comfortable for you to talk to a guy rather than a woman." Kaji finished his drink and leaned back placing his feet on the coffee table.
"I asked if she could but she said you would be more likely to teach me about seducing woman than a man's responsibility." Kaji laughed as he imagined himself trying to give a shy Shinji lessons in how to pick up women.
"You could have said 'I have already seduced Asuka, why do I need lessons?'" Kaji chuckled as Shinji turned bright red.
"It wasn't like that. We slept in the same bed but we only kissed, nothing else." Kaji looked at the flustered boy with a grin.
"I didn't know you slept together," Kaji declared as the still blushing Shinji shrunk back into his seat. As the silence dragged out Kaji began to rue his comments. Shinji looked to be totally focused on avoiding any other conversation as his red face slowly faded. Kaji felt it might have been better if he left but from the corner of his eye he could see Shinji glancing at him when he thought he wasn't being watched.
"I can understand Misato and Asuka but how did Rei and Ritsuko get involved in this?" Kaji saw Shinji jump at the sound of his voice. There was a pause before Shinji hesitantly spoke.
"On Sunday Rei asked Misato and Misato told her to ask Ritsuko. So Ritsuko decided to talk to both Asuka and Rei and dragged Misato along because it was her fault." Kaji light heartedly laughed as Shinji recounted the situation as he saw it.
"That sounds like something those two would do," Kaji spoke with a hint of nostalgia. "Anyway getting on to more interesting matters, how are you and Asuka doing?" Kaji tried to sound like his normal casual self but he was very interested in what had happened between them.
"Okay, I guess," Shinji shrugged but Kaji raised an eyebrow in question. Shinji dropped his gaze, deciding to rearrange the music paper on the desk.
"You do know you're a terrible liar?" Kaji spoke seriously making Shinji stop what he was doing. "You don't have to talk about it but it might help to get a different perspective on things." Kaji inwardly cringed as he listened to himself sound like a psychiatrist, although Shinji didn't seem to notice.
"It's not really a problem, more of a hurdle I guess," Shinji muttered trying to meet Kaji's gaze but finding he couldn't hold it for long.
"So do you want to tell me about it?" Kaji spoke after a short silence. It was a comment made for prompting Shinji since he seemed to be internally deliberating that very question.
"It just something I said I was okay with but now I'm not so sure," Shinji paused and Kaji remained silent until Shinji spoke again. "I asked her what she would choose, our relationship or piloting Eva. She said she couldn't give piloting up yet, that she would need more time. I said it was okay but now I'm not so sure," Shinji's voice trailed off, mimicking his words.
"So what's changed?" Kaji wasn't at all surprised by what he was hearing but could see a lot of reasons for Shinji's uncertainty.
"I beat her in the synch tests," Shinji stared at his hands that were lying in his lap. "We both improved but my improvement moved me from just below to just above Asuka. When we walked back to the locker room she didn't say anything. She wasn't mad, just lost in her own thoughts," Shinji looked up to see Kaji avidly listening to him.
"It doesn't mean it's a bad thing. I mean she could just be starting to believe that she doesn't need Eva." Even though Kaji severely doubts his own words, he could see Shinji seriously consider them.
"I doubt it. Asuka isn't going to change her mind just because she was beaten. In fact it is more likely for her to try and prove she is superior to me." Shinji tilted his head back so he was looking up at the ceiling.
"Do you think that is going to be a problem?" Kaji asks and Shinji's brow furrows.
"I don't know. I really don't care about my synch ratio but I try because it is what everyone expects me to do. Asuka cares about her score and being the best but I'm not sure if that is going to get in our way. I don't know how she is going to react," Shinji takes his and Kaji's empty drinks and dumps them into the recycling bin.
"You know it might be a good idea to talk to Misato about this," Kaji suggested as Shinji passed him on the way back to his seat.
"I probably would have under normal circumstances but at the moment things with Misato aren't exactly… normal." Shinji sat back down and his shoulders slumped as he leaned forward in his chair. He stared at the music on the table but doubted that playing it would lift his spirits at the moment.
"Would this have anything to do with you skipping school two days ago so you could punch your friend on his front door step? Or maybe you are having trouble pleasing both women? I mean I had trouble just pleasing Misato and I don't think Asuka would be any easier on her own." Shinji looked down in shame as Kaji brought up the incident with Toji but he sat bolt upright blushing when he heard Kaji's second question.
"What! No it's nothing like that," Shinji stammered, as Kaji remained perfectly calm.
"You should try to relax a little Shinji, it was just a joke," Kaji let Shinji take a couple of deep breaths. "So are you going to tell me why you punched your best friend?" Kaji after Shinji had calmed down a little.
"Oh that… well he did something stupid on a date with Asuka's friend so they asked me to go and talk to him." Shinji mumbled out his answer as he looked down at the floor.
"So you went over there and defended her honour by hitting your friend or did Asuka tell you to hit him as well?" Kaji could tell by the way Shinji was squirming that his assumption was probably correct.
"She only suggested it," Shinji quietly replied never lifting his gaze. "I'm not good with conflict and I didn't know what to do. So I just acted like I thought Asuka would want me to. Everybody always tells me to stand up for myself and be more assertive, I though Asuka might appreciate me more if I acted like she wanted me to." Shinji finally looked up at Kaji to see the normally jovial man was not smiling.
"You know you should act differently for you own reasons. If you start acting the way other people expect you to act then you might lose a little piece of yourself. You become someone else and when you look at your life later you might find you have become someone you didn't want to be. If that's the case then you may resent the people you changed for or yourself," Kaji was surprised at how seriously he was taking this conversation.
"I don't like how I am anyway so why would I resent someone who helped me become a better person," Shinji forlornly added.
"It's not a simple thing but think of it this way. What you did to help Asuka's friend was the right thing to do. Why you did it was possibly wrong. Anyone can do the right thing but it means nothing unless you are doing it for the right reasons. Do you understand?" Shinji looked blankly back at Kaji and the slowly nodded.
"I think so," Shinji turned away to carefully considered what had been said.
"You don't get it, do you?" Kaji asked as he studied Shinji's bewildered face.
"Not really, sorry," Shinji states as he slowly shakes his head.
"That's okay, maybe if I give you another example," Shinji returns his attention to Kaji as he tries to think of an example. "Okay, I'm talking to you because you need someone to talk to. I am doing that for no other reason than I'm your friend. I get nothing else out of this other than helping my friend. Do you see?" Shinji hesitates before nodding.
"I think I do but it's still hard to see what is the right motivation for doing something," Kaji nods in agreement.
"It is but that is something you can't plan for, especially in your situation where you have to pilot an Eva. It's something you have to learn from experience and that is something you'll acquire, as you get older. So now that we have dealt with that, how about you tell me why you can't talk to Misato about this," Shinji tensed up at the mention of Misato.
"It's a long story and I don't know if should really talk about it with you," Shinji admitted but it only added to Kaji's interest.
"Like you said before, all I do is chase women around this base and since there are no women here at the moment I have all the time in the world." Kaji was glad that he sounded a little more like himself but it still wasn't helping Shinji to relax.
"I want to talk to you about it, it's just I don't think Misato will appreciate me asking you about her." Shinji glanced at Kaji who was nodding his understanding.
"I take it that there is more to this that just what happened between you and your friend?" Kaji tried to keep his voice as casual as possible hoping that it would help Shinji relax.
"That's part of it," Shinji sighed tiredly before continuing. "It was because of that that my father called Misato to his office. He wanted to know if the change in my behavior would effect my ability to pilot. I don't think he even bothered to ask about Asuka and myself," Shinji spoke despondently slumping back in his seat.
"Somehow that doesn't seem to surprise me," Kaji added but Shinji barely seemed to notice the comment.
"That's why today's synch tests were important. We had to prove that our relationship wouldn't affect our piloting. It was also the reason that Misato decided to come home early and find out what was going on. Her arrival wasn't exactly… well timed," Shinji was becoming increasingly nervous as Kaji watch him with a sly grin.
"I take it Misato didn't find you in the best of situations," Kaji had a few other comments he could have used but he doubted that Shinji would have appreciated them.
"Sort of but it was more of an accident. We had been out during the evening and had a good time and when we got home Asuka started acting… How can I put it… aggressive," Shinji was made sure he avoided Kaji's gaze.
"I can see how someone like Asuka could overwhelm you," Kaji watched Shinji intently. Shinji was aware he was being watched and it was only adding to his discomfort.
"It was a bit unsettling especially when she tore my shirt off but that's when I tried to defend myself. It was okay at first, I think Asuka liked the extra challenge of me resisting. It turned into a playful wrestle and we were both having fun but then Asuka got frustrated because I wasn't conceding to her," Shinji paused trying to clear his dry throat.
"Asuka isn't known for her patience but I thought you of all people would be able to recognise when she was about to lose her temper." Shinji smiled weakly but still wouldn't meet Kaji's gaze.
"I guess I got caught up in the moment and the fact that I was matching Asuka. It was an intoxicating feeling, I was just happy for the short time it lasted and I thought she was too." Shinji's voice was distant and he had a faint wisp of a blissful smile on his lips.
"I think I know the feeling," Kaji commented as he noticed the smile fading away.
"Anyway, Asuka's impatience got the better of her and she started taking the wrestle seriously. Before I knew what was happening Asuka had pulled my t-shirt over my face and used it to pin my arms above my head. She was standing behind me, I was at her mercy and she decided that my punishment was to be tickled." Shinji finally looked at Kaji as the man began to laugh.
"A very effective form of punishment against someone, especially a lover," Kaji stated as he scratched his unshaven jaw. Shinji decide that whatever Kaji was thinking about he didn't want to know about so he continued his story.
"Asuka tickled me and the first thing that I did was to try to escape her touch. Of course as I tried to move away, Asuka yanked me back but instead of stepping back, I fell back. In the process I also dragged Asuka down on top of me and that was when Misato walked in," Kaji nodded as he imagined the scene.
"I assume that the lovely Major wasn't impressed to find Asuka lying on top of you, especially with you being half naked." Kaji noticed Shinji blushing again and he had also dropped his gaze back to the floor.
"It wasn't just that. Not only did my t-shirt being over my face save me from seeing Misato's angry face but it saved me from Asuka as well. When she fell my head… kind of ended… under her skirt," Shinji's voice had fallen below a whisper and Kaji was only just able to hear what he said. The image that immediately sprung to Kaji's mind made him burst out laughing. It was something that only added to Shinji's awkwardness at having to explain the situation. Shinji decided that he needed another drink and left Kaji to calm himself down. When he returned Kaji had settled back and was smiling back at the boy.
"I'm sorry about that but I just imagined what Misato's face would have been and I couldn't help myself," Kaji chuckled again as the image re-entered his thoughts.
"It's okay I guess," Shinji mumbled into his drink as he sat down.
"So what did Misato do after the initial shock wore off?" Kaji asked resuming his serious tone.
"Well she sent us to our rooms and then left us for an hour or so before she decided to speak to us individually. It was more like an interrogation than a discussion and after it we went to bed. In the morning Misato woke up early and had coffee rather than a beer like she normally does. Nothing much was said, Asuka and I were just waiting till we left for school so we could be alone and talk about what was going on. That was when Rei arrived," Shinji took another sip of his drink to moisten his dry mouth and Kaji took this time to interject.
"It is certainly a strange day when Misato starts a day without a beer. I take it that Misato was the one who invited Rei over," Kaji watch Shinji nod his affirmation.
"Misato ordered Rei to make sure that we were not left alone together. Asuka wasn't happy but Misato told her that my father had given instructions that at least until the next synch test we were to be carefully watched. Misato had objected but after what had happened the night before she had changed her mind." Shinji sighed heavily, finishing of his drink while Kaji silently contemplated the new information.
"Things didn't really improve when Rei decide the best way to make sure Asuka and I were never left alone was to follow one of us around during our free time. I didn't mind Rei being around, I mean she seemed to participate a little in the conversations I had with my friends. Of course Asuka wasn't pleased about it and that wasn't helped by the fact that the rumours at school started making wild guesses as to what was going on." Shinji idly toyed with the can as Kaji watched him.
"So this is why you wanted to talk to me, you wanted help with Misato," Kaji surmised.
"Misato said she was happy we were together and that she would defend us against my father. She tried to make us think that she helped bring us together and now she won't let us be alone. I'm not used to dealing with people and I'm spending most of my time and energy trying to keep Asuka happy. I can't figure out why Misato is being so intrusive and I was wondering if you might be able to help me understand." Shinji looked hopefully over to Kaji but Kaji had his head back and was staring blankly up to the ceiling. Shinji waited for a moment or two before he stood up to discard his empty drink can.
"Do you know how Misato and I met?" Kaji asked in an unusually sombre voice.
"You said that you met at college," Shinji offered as he slowly sat back down.
"But do you know the details of how we met?" Kaji looked straight at Shinji and Shinji shook his head. Kaji just observed the boy for a few seconds and then returned to looking at the ceiling. The silence continued for a little while and the whole time Shinji watched Kaji expectantly.
"We used to call them three day parties. You'd go straight to the party after classes on Friday and there would be an almost limitless supply of alcohol. Everybody drank until they threw up and then drank some more. It was the kind of thing that was expected of college students and nobody wanted to disappoint. You drank until you passed out or dawn, which ever came first. Then you spent the next day sleeping it off and the third day recovering. That was a three day party, a day to drink yourself stupid, sleep the second day away and then drag yourself out of bed on the third swearing you won't ever drink again. A promise that only lasted till the next party." Kaji had a nostalgic tone to his voice and he was smiling in a way Shinji hadn't seen before on his face.
"So you met Misato at one of these parties?" Shinji asked, as Kaji appeared to get lost in his own memories.
"Yeah, most women didn't go to these parties unless they were with their boyfriends but you know as well as I do that Misato isn't like most women. She had already outlasted a couple of guys and she seemed to be more interested in her drinking than the people around her. When I started talking to her I think she was just happy for the company even though she wasn't particularly impressed by my charms. Anyway both our memories are a bit sketchy but after my day of rest I woke up in my room with Misato next to me. We barely left that room for the next week but you know all about that." Kaji looked at Shinji and Shinji looked away slightly embarrassed at the memory of that conversation.
"What does this have to do with Asuka and me?" Shinji queried once he had summoned the courage to meet the man's gaze.
"Our relationship was basically a physical one, it was fun but we didn't try to bring any depth to it. When we saw problems starting to develop we didn't try to resolve them and it drove us apart. Misato seems to be worried that you two are going to make the same mistakes we did. Considering your backgrounds, it's not hard to see that if things go wrong you both could suffer a lot. Misato is your guardian and it is her responsibility to make sure you are capable of piloting," Kaji was cut off by Shinji.
"But I don't care about piloting," Shinji vehemently stated.
"But you are still needed to pilot," Kaji added in an equally strong voice. "You may not want to but you need to because there is no one else that can take your place. It may seem cold but that is the reality of your life and Asuka's as well if she ever decides that piloting isn't her first priority. Misato isn't just doing this to stop you being happy but she is trying to make sure you survive. A stable relationship with Asuka will help no end and Misato is trying to make sure you don't make a big mistake. Do you understand?" Shinji just sits motionless absorbing what Kaji had just said.
"I can see how she might be trying to help but she isn't helping. She's not showing any trust in us and thinks that we'll just sleep together if we're left alone," Shinji sinks back into his chair miserably.
"If that's what Asuka wanted, could you resist her?" Kaji watched Shinji closely as he carefully considered it.
"She wouldn't because it could affect her piloting," Shinji simple stated not looking up.
"And what if she changed her priorities?" Kaji's question brought a strange smile to Shinji's face.
"In that case, why would I want to resist?" Shinji spoke in a peaceful voice. "When I'm close to her it's… the feeling is different, unlike anything I've felt. It's hard to describe but it's like being held by my mother, except it reaches much deeper. A mother makes you feel safe and secure but with Asuka I feel that I am also protecting her. There is a peace of mind that extends into my whole being. When we are together, I don't feel alone." Kaji stares at the serene looking Shinji.
"So you'd really be willing to let the angels destroy the world just so you could be with Asuka?" Kaji thought it was a rhetorical question but Shinji answered it anyway.
"It won't come to that. I doubt Asuka will give up piloting until there are no more angels," Shinji voice is plain, devoid of any strong emotion.
"That's a little pessimistic isn't it?" Kaji's voice shows his disbelief in what Shinji has said.
"Maybe but that is how my life is, everything I care for will be taken away from me. I said I could wait for her but I knew I might have to wait till there were no more angels." Shinji gave a weak smiled as he stood and walked toward the trashcan.
"What if there is no end to the angels?" Kaji asks as Shinji walks back.
"Now who is being pessimistic," Shinji replied trying to be light hearted. Kaji chuckled a little but it did little to lift Shinji's spirits.
"It is a little but just promise me one thing Shinji," Kaji waited until he had Shinji's undivided attention. "You seem to be a little fatalistic about your chances. Don't give up, especially on Asuka. She may act strong but she isn't as strong as she appears. You shouldn't act as if you don't have an effect on her," Shinji is a little taken aback.
"Sorry," Shinji responds apologetically. "I don't quite know how to act around Asuka at the moment," Kaji smiled in an attempt to reassure him.
"Don't worry about it, I just wanted to make sure you don't think that no matter what you do you will not change Asuka's mind. If you don't try it may never happen," Shinji nodded in understanding but still couldn't banish his doubts completely. A shadow over the music papers on the table told Shinji that Kaji was leaning over them.
"Can I ask you to play this song for me? I can't read the music and I'd like to hear what you're working on," Kaji leaned back away from the table.
"I haven't really practiced it and the music isn't quite right," Shinji rambled, trying to avoid playing in front of a new audience.
"That doesn't matter, I don't have a good ear for music so I probably won't notice," Kaji smiled as Shinji relented and picked up his cello.
"This probably won't be any good," Shinji grumbled as he readied himself.
"Let me decide, you just have to play," Kaji's declaration ended Shinji's resistance. He took a deep breath and wished he could close his eyes to play but he didn't know the music well enough yet. He started out a little shakily but as the music progressed he slipped into the melody with only a few wavering notes on a few of the more difficult transitions. As the music faded Shinji allowed himself to relax a little, aided by the soft clapping coming from Kaji.
"Very nice, it's a nice song that I remember listening to when I was young," Kaji continued to smile as Shinji humbly bowed.
"Thank you, it wasn't that good but I think I know where the wrong notes are," Shinji meekly replied as he looked over at Kaji.
"If that wasn't very good then I expect a perfect rendition the next time I see you near a cello," Kaji stood up and tucked his hands in his pockets. "Well I guess it's time for me to get back to chasing those female techs," Kaji announced over his shoulder as he walked away.
"Ah Kaji, shouldn't you be getting back to work?" Shinji's question made Kaji stop and look back over his shoulder. He rubbed his chin as he contemplated Shinji's query.
"Maybe later," Kaji smiled as he continued his exit. "I'll see you later," Kaji waved but didn't turn back as he left Shinji sight. Shinji shook his head and moved his cello to one side. He found the right places in his music and erased the offending notation before he replaced it with the corrected version. As he gazed over the completed work he felt a strange sense of accomplishment. With the music done all Shinji had to do was practice playing it. He picked up his cello and let the notes flow, feeling infinitely more comfortable now that he was alone.
Asuka stood staring into a mirror. After she had been dismissed from her lecture, Misato had told her to go find Shinji and wait for her to return from a meeting with Commander Ikari. Asuka instead had sought the solitude of a bathroom so that she could sort out a few things. Luckily Rei had been given permission to leave so she was not around to annoy her. Asuka splashed some more water on her face, letting the shock of the sudden cold help focus her mind. She needed to decide what she was going to do before she found Shinji.
She was angry and she had plenty of reason to be. Misato's insistence on a constant presence when she was with Shinji was just the start. The fact that Rei was the one designated with that task only incensed the red head more, especially since she followed Shinji around. Then there was the lecture that she had to endure. Ritsuko spoke in a purely clinical manner, which even Misato occasionally misunderstood. Misato's eyes would glaze over whenever she started to think about her past experiences and it drew the ire of Ritsuko. Rei was more attentive than Asuka had ever seen her and had an almost limitless amount of questions that the two older women were obligated to answer.
However the thing that outweighed all these combined was the fact that she had been beaten in the synch tests. For that Asuka wished to yell and scream at the top of her lungs but to do that she would have to direct all her rage at Shinji. That was why she had sought refuge in here away from all distractions. Asuka's mind was racing with reasons why she should berate Shinji for his achievement of surpassing her but it also registered Shinji's face as he tried to talk to her on the way to the locker room. His face was cautious and concerned but he couldn't hide the fear in his eyes and that told her he knew exactly what the implications might be.
This was where her heart began to battle with her mind. It told her she should be happy, not angry. He had bettered her score and as such she should praise not chastise him. He hadn't bragged or tried to rub the result in, he was only concerned about what would happen between them. That was the essence of Shinji, though he didn't care about piloting. Unfortunately Asuka did and she still felt that it was more important to her than Shinji. A faint wisp of a tear glistened in Asuka's eye as all the hate her mind wanted to direct at Shinji now came to focus on her.
She couldn't accept Shinji over piloting and she hated herself for it. The fact that Shinji could devote himself to someone who had only last week made his life a living hell and give up piloting, even at the risk of handing the angels a walkover victory. Shinji would do all that for a girl who couldn't bring herself to do the same. Her sole purpose in life was piloting her Eva for the praise of all those that witness her and that hadn't changed. Shinji had only made life away from Eva a little easier and she hated herself for that.
The lone tear that threatened to fall was washed away as Asuka again splashed water onto her face. She wiped away the excess water and dried her face. She made sure that her hair looked right and then tried to smile as if Shinji was there with her. It looked fake, it felt hollow and that only adding to her anguish. She wanted to vent her anger but she didn't want to destroy what she had with Shinji. That was something she felt could redeem her and she couldn't lose it to anything, not Eva and especially not her own overblown pride.
Asuka marched out of the bathroom and headed to where she knew Shinji would be. She didn't need to hide her anger. She only needed make sure that it was directed at Misato and Rei for dragging her into that pointless lecture. As long as Shinji didn't ask and the topic didn't come up, she didn't need to let him know she was angry with him for beating her. She had plenty of other reasons that she was angry and she could focus her anger on those rather than on Shinji.
A sly smile crept on her face as she walked towards the lounge as felt that she could achieve her aims. She stopped in her tracks when she began to her the soft melodic sound of a cello drifting through the corridors. Asuka continued towards the music with her anger pushed to the back of her mind. She knew that Shinji had brought his cello but she doubted that he could transpose the music and play it perfectly in only a few days. Entering the lounge Asuka was able to fully appreciate the music and Shinji's playing without the hindrance of a wall being in the way.
Shinji seemed at peace as the music flowed from his cello and Asuka could only stand and watch. Shinji's face was expressionless but all his emotions appeared to be surfacing in the music he played. Asuka was unable to move from where she stood as she marvelled at how perfectly the sense of tranquillity of the song was being expressed. Asuka waited till the song came to its conclusion before she walked forward to Shinji. After only a few moments of silence Shinji began again, startling Asuka as she moved closer to him.
"Don't stop," she whispered into his ear as she sat down next to him. Shinji stumbled over a couple of notes before settling back into his rhythm. He wanted to look over his shoulder but he felt Asuka's arms come to rest on his back. Asuka folded her arms across the back of his shoulders and rested her head on them as well as tucking her legs up beneath herself. Asuka's breath tickled the back of Shinji's neck, the sensation slightly hampering his concentration. The distraction only hindered him momentarily as he relaxed back to his previous state of being, which is only heightened by the fact Asuka was leaning against him.
"Again," Asuka whispered as Shinji finished the song again. Shinji only waited a few seconds before complying with her request. Shinji felt comfortable until he again heard Asuka's voice in his ear. This time it was in tune with the music and holding the melody where the lyrics would normally have been. Asuka had her eyes closed and a smile on her lips after she had felt a jolt go through Shinji's body when he heard her voice. She was only holding the tune and on the odd occasion she would sound out a word that she could remember from the lyrics.
"Louder," Shinji's voice made Asuka open her eyes and look at his face. The expressionless face of before was gone and a contented smile was the most endearing feature that encouraged Asuka to increase her volume. Asuka replaced her head on her arms and her eyes closed as her voice mingled with the music from Shinji's cello. As the song came to an end Shinji didn't hesitate in starting again. As Asuka waited for the song to reach the point where she began, she settled into a more comfortable position by wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his back.
The two children were so engrossed in the experience they failed to notice three people watching them. Ritsuko was confused as to what exactly was going on. She had been following the commanders as they headed through central dogma when they heard the music. She hadn't been too surprised considering she had been told about it by Maya when they had passed by earlier. However once the commanders were able to distinguish the song they had paused and shown that they recognised it. Then, led by Commander Ikari, they changed course in search of the source of the song. When they had entered the lounge Ritsuko was surprised to hear a female voice mixing with the cello.
Ritsuko thought that the scene was touching and even she had to appreciate it. She didn't quite understand what was happening so she looked over to the two commanders. Commander Ikari looked surprised at first and then it had slipped to something akin to desolation. It quickly turned to a look of disgust as he turned on his heels and walked out. The changes in his expression had been subtle to the point where Ritsuko only recognised them due to the amount of time she had spent around him. Ritsuko turned to Commander Fuyutsuki whose face was the complete opposite. His normally stoic face had softened and the smile upon his lips was similar to the ones worn by both of the children.
With nothing more of interest to her, Ritsuko decided to follow after Commander Ikari and quickly walked out the way she came in. Fuyutsuki gave her exit a cursory glance before turning his attention back to the children. He watched them for a few more moments and smiled with slight amusement when Asuka's voice sounded out word from Yui's lyrics. He sat down next to the table where Shinji's music lay and took a page, turning it over so that he could write on the blank side. As he wrote with neat and fluent strokes the song ended and Shinji didn't begin again.
"You stopped," Asuka mumbled from her position on Shinji's shoulder.
"My fingers are tired," Shinji replied as he let his hand rest on his knee.
"But I was starting to remember more of the words and you were playing exceptionally well." Shinji smiled at Asuka's compliment, not showing his usually aversion to being praised.
"Miss Sohryu was right, you're very accomplished for someone your age," Fuyutsuki's voice shocked both of the children. They sat upright with Asuka moving her head so that her chin was resting on Shinji's shoulder. They both stared at the older man who hadn't looked up from the page he is writing on.
"Thank you Commander Fuyutsuki but I don't think I am that good," Shinji timidly responded after the initial shock of Fuyutsuki's presence wore off.
"I think you underestimate your talents Mister Ikari. You will find that people's opinion on their own abilities is often different from the truth. Some believe they are better than they really are and, more rarely, others such as yourself are better than you think you are. So if I were you I'd believe in what Miss Sohryu and myself say rather than what you think." Both children were a little agape at how much this normally quiet man was saying.
"I'll try to keep that in mind," Shinji finally mutters with a little doubt.
"May I ask where you heard the song you were just playing?" Fuyutsuki spoke without looking up and Shinji hesitated in answering.
"My… my mother used to sing it to me before she died," Shinji's quiet and downcast voice earns him a supportive squeeze from Asuka. Fuyutsuki nods his understanding but still doesn't look at him.
"I'm surprise you still remember it," Fuyutsuki absently replies.
"I didn't really until I heard the song it was based on, then it sort of came back to me. Although I can't remember her lyrics," Shinji looks down at his music wishing that he had the words to add to them.
"You sound like you knew her," Asuka interrupts Shinji's thoughts and her comment makes Fuyutsuki look up at them.
"I did, she was my best student when I taught at Kyoto university," Fuyutsuki spoke in a wistful voice but turned his face back to his notes. "I don't think I can remember a time after you were born that I saw you apart. You were always with her and I don't think I have ever seen a more obedient child. You always did what she asked of you and yet it seemed to please you just making her happy." Fuyutsuki caps his pen and tucks it back into his pocket as he looks over his finished work.
"You wouldn't happen to have a picture of her, would you?" Shinji asked hopefully.
"Sorry, I don't have one but if you want one you should really ask your father," Fuyutsuki forced himself to stare at the page, not wanting to look at Shinji's face.
"He doesn't have any. He destroyed them all," Shinji miserably adds, feeling a mild surge of anger for his father.
"That sounds like something he would do," Fuyutsuki mumbled to himself but loud enough for the children to hear. "But at least you have this to hold onto. Keep up the good work and I look forward to hearing it again," Fuyutsuki places the page in front of Shinji and Asuka. He then turns and walks out watched by the two teens as they still feel a little bemused by the man's comments. After he is gone they look down to the page that now sits atop of Shinji's music.
"Shinji's Lullaby, Lyrics: Yui Ikari, Music: Shinji Ikari, Vocals: Asuka Langley Sohryu." Asuka recited the top four lines of the text in a bewildered voice. Shinji looked equally confused but a smile crept onto his face as he read the lyrics. He could recollect the faint voice of his mother singing these words, which pleased him even more.
"I guess you're going to need to learn these," Shinji whispered as he picked up the lyrics and handed them to Asuka. She leaned back away from Shinji, relinquishing her hold on him and taking the page in both hands. As she attentively began to read the note Shinji started to pack up his things. By the time he was finished Misato had appeared to take them home.
Misato was a little disturbed by the silence in the car. She was obeying all the road rules since she was too preoccupied with her own thoughts. When she had decided to look at her two roommates she found that they were both silent. Asuka was the surprise since Misato had thought the German girl would be in bad mood after everything that had happened. However Asuka had been so absorbed in what was written on the piece of paper she was holding and had to be lead by Shinji to the car. She was still focused on that page as she sat in the back seat next to Shinji's cello.
Shinji sat in the passenger side seat and was staring out the window as the scenery past at a normal rate. As Misato pulled up to a stoplight she noticed that Shinji's left hand moved as if he were playing his cello. Leaning forward she could tell from his eyes that he was not watching the scenery even though his eyes were looking in that direction. Shinji was part of Misato's subdued mood and it wasn't just the fact that she had a meeting with his father but also that Kaji had spoken to her. Kaji cornered her all the time so it wasn't unusual to talk to him but he had been strangely serious and possessed knowledge he could only have gotten from Shinji.
What Kaji had been implying was that Shinji didn't trust her as he once had and she was only alienating him by her actions. That hadn't surprised Misato but she had been by Kaji saying that she was only adding to Shinji and Asuka's problems. Misato had pressed Kaji trying to get him to reveal exactly what he meant but he would only say that if Misato had been a little more relaxed Shinji would have been talking to her. It was the worrying thing for Misato that Shinji would rather talk to Kaji than her at the moment.
"I ran into Kaji before and he said he two had a long conversation," Misato's voice made Shinji jump but he smiled uneasily.
"I suppose it was kind of long," Shinji hesitantly stated not noticing Asuka watching them closely.
"So what did you to talk about?" Misato asked nonchalantly but Shinji eyed her suspiciously.
"Nothing really," Shinji tried to sound convincing but Misato wasn't buying it.
"Just as long as he wasn't giving you advice about women," Misato commented as she pulled into her parking space.
"He said since I'd already seduced Asuka, I didn't need any advice," Misato turned to stare at Shinji but he had already gotten out of the car. In the rear view mirror Misato could see Asuka hiding a smirk behind the page of lyrics. They made the journey up to the apartment in silence and they were all thankful to be home. Shinji was immediately giving the task of making a late supper while Misato had a bath.
"So what did you and Kaji talk about?" Asuka asked after returning to the kitchen in some casual clothes.
"A few things," Shinji answered much to Asuka's displeasure. She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around his chest and rested her chin on his shoulder.
"Details idiot, don't be so brief," Asuka's voice was soft. She wanted to reprimand him for being brief but not upset him and force him back into his shell.
"We talked about what was happening… Misato and… us," Shinji could feel Asuka tense up but he couldn't see her face.
"So what did he say… about Misato?" Asuka bit the inside of her lip after having just veered away from asking about what was said about their relationship.
"He just said that she was probably trying to make sure that we don't make the same mistakes that they did. I mean she's in a difficult position as well. She has to make sure that we can pilot so she can't allow us the freedom most people have." Asuka considers Shinji's statement and acknowledges he has a point.
"Still doesn't mean she has to intrude on our privacy," Asuka grumbled after a few moments.
"I know, she could make it a little easier," Shinji admitted as he worked on the food. Asuka waited for a few minutes before she decided to ask the question she'd been avoiding.
"So what did you say about us?" Shinji hesitated before answering to Asuka's timid question.
"We just talked about what was happening and how things were going," Shinji tried to hide his face but Asuka could tell he wasn't saying everything.
"Did you talk about the synch test results?" Shinji nodded slowly. "Did you talk about how I wouldn't give up piloting for you?" Shinji nodded again but wasn't able to bring herself to hear what was said.
"I wasn't sure how you would react to my score being higher than yours," Shinji speaks slowly, carefully considering each sentence. "The fact that I beat you and that you said I was second to piloting meant that I didn't know what to expect from you. Whether you would yell at me or just stop talking to me. He realised that I was only waiting for the angels to end and that I didn't think that while we were still needed to pilot you would give it up for me. He made me promise that I wouldn't give up on you," Shinji stared at the cooking food, not moving a muscle.
From her position, Asuka couldn't Shinji's eyes but from how he was acting it was clear that he was waiting for a response from her. She was hesitant because she did want to yell at him for beating her but at the moment she couldn't muster up any resentment toward him. Normally he would avoid her if he was afraid of something and at best apologise. She never expected him to confess his fears to her, especially since she would usually consider it a sign of weakness. She was feeling a strong sense of empathy and to Shinji's surprise she tightened her hold and pressed her cheek against his neck.
Shinji's surprise was short lived as he relaxed in her embrace leaning back against her. Tentatively he moved one hand to where Asuka's arms crossed his chest and the other he reached up to caress Asuka's other cheek. Both of them completely absorb themselves in their embrace only moving for attempts to get more comfortable. However the mood was broken by the sound of the stove being turned off and a beer can being opened. They both quickly turn their faces to the source of the noises and see Misato wearing only a towel and a stern face.
"I hope the food isn't ruined I'm staving," Misato states plainly causing a blushing Shinji to turn his attention back to the food.
"For someone complaining about our lack of restraint, you could try wearing something decent," Asuka complained fervently. Misato smiled mischievously and struck a sultry pose in her doorway.
"I'm just getting ready for Shinji's educational lecture," Misato seductively whispered before disappearing into her room. Shinji hadn't seen Misato's pose but had heard her voice and was blushing harder than before. He wasn't helped by Asuka's reassuring embrace that had turned into a strong, possessive grip.
"Asuka… I can't breathe," Shinji stammered as he tried to prise Asuka's arms off.
"Sorry but she's not having you," Asuka fiercely whispered to Shinji as she released him.
"She's just teasing you," Shinji replied, now able to breathe a lot easier.
"We'll I don't like it," Asuka indignantly stated as she sat down, allowing Shinji to dish out the food.
"Now you know how I feel," Shinji jested as he placed Asuka's plate in front of her.
"Asuka would you take that to your room, I want to talk to Shinji alone," Asuka wanted to protest but Misato looked like she wasn't going to budge. Shinji placed down his own and Misato's plates as Asuka stood up and claimed his lips with her own. Asuka glanced at Misato midway through the kiss to see that she was watching with an inquisitive stare.
"Make sure you keep your hands to yourself," Asuka ordered. It was directed at Misato as Asuka released a dumbstruck Shinji. She took her plate and walked towards her room pausing in her doorway.
"Before I go, what did Commander Ikari say?" Asuka didn't turn around and she couldn't quite hide the fear in her voice.
"He said that if your relationship affects your synch rates, you will be separated," Misato watches Asuka but the girl says nothing more as she enters her room closing the door behind her. Misato turns back to Shinji who is absently playing with his food and unwilling to look up.
"So Asuka would choose piloting over you if it came to a decision between the two, no wonder Kaji said that there were problems I didn't know about." Misato's voice was full of concern but Shinji didn't look up or bother to ask how Misato knew.
"Asuka's the most important thing in my life and I know that I'm not the most important thing to her. It doesn't matter because I think one day that'll change. I can't quit piloting because my father would send me away. I don't want to quit because then I can't protect her, even if she hates me for beating her score or saving her from angels." Shinji continued to play with his now cold food as Misato studied him carefully.
"If Asuka is smart, she'll realise how special you are and change her mind but in the meantime where do you want to start? The first day or just skip straight to the bedroom?" Shinji looked up completely confused by what Misato just said.
"Misato what are you talking about?" Shinji asks the now upbeat woman as she starts shovelling her food into her mouth regardless of its taste or temperature.
"Well Shinji you don't really know how to act around people and it's easy to see you've never had a date before. So I'm going to fill you in on the proper etiquette for a young couple, from first date to the bedroom. You can start out with the easy stuff or go straight to the juicy parts, so what's it going to be?" Shinji sat with his mouth opening and closing as he tried to comprehend what Misato was saying.
"Ah… first date, I guess," he mumbled finally giving up on his food so he could pay attention to Misato. Misato began to ramble about the dos and don'ts of dating and Shinji started to think he needed to take notes. Both of them forgot about Asuka who was sitting with her back to her door and her knees pulled up to her chest. She stared blankly into her room, not bothering to listen to Misato's rambling. Asuka had been listening but Shinji revelations to Misato had stirred up a tornado of conflicting emotions in her. So she was determined to sit there until she had sorted them all out, even if it took all night.
Additional Notes: Well I hope it is close to what you expected but if I missed something or you think I'm making some glaring errors feel free to tell me. I don't mind if you flame me, all constructive criticism is welcome.