Disclaimer: Once again, Final Fantasy and everything related belongs to Squaresoft.
Chapter 12: Pain Of Failure
Setting: Balamb Garden, Squall's Office
That Evening
Squall sat on his sofa, having changed out of his blood-soaked clothes into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Alexa lay at his side, having long ago cried herself to sleep. Squall had his arm around her, and his other massaged the bridge of his nose, over his scar. He felt so empty at this moment, and unbelievably frightened. He knew he and Alexa would go on without Rinoa, but he doubted his strength of will, and feared he would break down. That's something I can't do, he thought. I have to show everyone I'm strong. They need me to be.
There was a gentle rapping at the door, and the door creaked open. Maintenance was still busy repairing the damaged classroom, and hadn't had time to repair the door latch, which Seifer had destroyed earlier that day. Sighing, Squall got up, gently moving Alexa so that she was lying on the couch cushions. He walked quietly to the door and opened it. Zell stood on the other side, still in the uniform he'd worn earlier that day.
"Hey, Squall, got a minute?" he asked.
"No," said Squall, starting to close the door.
"Wait," said Zell, holding up a packet of papers. "I have the report on what happened today, if you want to see it. I thought...it might help."
Squall closed his eyes, and walked out of the apartment. Zell handed him the report, and he scanned it over.
"Looks like the students responsible for loading Trabia's missile bay number 3 didn't check to make sure all the live missiles were offloaded." Zell crossed his arms thoughtfully.
Squall looked up at Zell coldly and scowled. "I can read."
"Sorry," said Zell, looking down.
Squall continued studying the report. Without looking up, he said, "I want those two restricted to their quarters until 10:00 tomorrow morning. Then I want them in my office, where I will take care of them personally." Squall looked back up at Zell. "Before that, at 9:30, I want Instructor Laceel Markson in my office, where she will tell me why she lost a student during what she thought was a real attack."
Zell could feel how cold, yet also very calm, Squall's voice was. It frightened the martial artist. "Uh, Squall...you said tomorrow?" Zell scratched the back of his neck. "You shouldn't...I mean...don't you want to take some time off to...you know...grieve? And be with your daughter?"
Squall repeated, emphasizing each word, "I will meet with Instructor Markson at 9:30 tomorrow, and the two soon to be former students that didn't do their jobs, at 10:00. What part of that do you not understand?"
Zell put up his hands defensively. "O-okay, I'll make it happen," his voice trembled. Until that moment, he had never actually feared Squall, no matter how threatening the Commander could be. Now, Zell was terrified of the man.
Squall spun around to go back into his apartment. Zell touched his arm and said, "Squall, look, I...I just want to say...how sorry I am. We all loved her a lot. And we're all here for you. You know that, right?"
Squall said nothing as he stepped inside the apartment and closed the door. Zell heard something being slid against the door, obviously barring it shut. He stood there for a minute, wanting to try to get Squall to speak to him, but unable to think of anything else to say. Finally, he turned and skulked away.
When Squall was satisfied that the door was securely blocked with the dresser, he looked down at the report again. His hand shook and his teeth ground together. He drew his arm back, preparing to launch the paper packet across the room. Instead, he exhaled and dropped the report onto an end table. I'll deal with them tomorrow, he thought. And when I do, those three sorry excuses for SeeDs will be begging me to let them resign.
He sat down on the sofa next to Alexa. She moaned in her sleep and cuddled up to her father. Squall felt some of his tension release when he watched the beautiful three-year-old sleeping so soundly. He grabbed the throw blanket off the back of the sofa and covered both of them with it.
Squall suddenly felt his energy ebb. He didn't look forward to what he had to do tomorrow. He wished he could simply detach himself from everything, but he needed to keep busy, so he wouldn't end up thinking. Thinking was the one thing he didn't want to do. He actually wished he could just take Alexa far away from Garden, but that, sadly, wasn't in the cards either.
I have to arrange Rin's funeral tomorrow, he remembered. He squeezed his eyes shut, letting fresh tears drip down his cheeks. He again looked down at his daughter, crying not only for himself, but also for her. She would grow up, eventually forgetting what a wonderful person her mother was.
It's just you and me now, Lexie, he thought. I promise you, no matter what happens, that we'll make it through this.
*Quistis sat in her easy chair, her arms wrapped around herself. She rocked gently, trying to calm the thousand thoughts running through her mind.
I'm a Sorceress now. No. Maybe...maybe she was wrong. I don't feel any different. Maybe that whole thing was just a hallucination. The shock of losing my best friend.
No, I was hit with those waves of blue magic. But...maybe she had a seizure that triggered some of the magic she had with her. Or maybe she touched the defibrillator and it gave us both a shock?
As much as she tried to rationalize or explain the experience, she couldn't help but return to its face value. Rinoa had pulled her into some kind of dream state, confessed to her that she was a Sorceress, and then passed her powers onto Quistis. Although that was a difficult set of events to grasp, many of the things she'd seen in the past five years were about as strange.
She had another worry that plagued her. She slowly rubbed her abdomen with her hand, no more able to relish in how soothing that sensation usually was.
What about my child? What will happen to him or her? If my baby's a girl, will she also become a Sorceress? If he's a boy...will he become a...a...Sorcerer? My God, I don't know what to do. I'm so scared. Tears started running down her cheeks. Please watch over my baby, Rinny. And please...tell me what I should do.
Just then, the door quietly opened. She looked over, and saw Seifer carrying a tray of food from the cafeteria. "Hey, Quisty. I brought you something to eat. I thought it might help you...well..." He couldn't find the right words. What do you say to someone that just watched her best friend die?
"Thanks, Seifer," said Quistis, sadly. Seifer placed the tray on Quistis' end table and pulled her into an embrace. "I know I shouldn't be, but I am hungry."
"Well, you're eating for two," said Seifer softly. He kissed her ear, hoping to relieve some of her pain.
Quistis sighed as Seifer released the embrace. She watched as he removed his trench coat and hung it on the wall. Should I tell him that Rinoa gave me her powers? No...I can't. Even if he hadn't gone through so much pain with Sorceresses, he wouldn't believe me. None of us even knew. "Seifer, will Squall ever forgive me?"
Seifer turned to her and lowered his head. "I don't think he blames you. He shouldn't."
"I was there when Rinoa was hit with the blast. I carried her from there to the Infirmary, and she died practically in my arms. Who else should he blame?" Quistis fingered a sandwich on the tray, not wanting to eat, even though her stomach was rumbling.
Seifer knelt down in front of her. "Honey, he should blame the people that shot the missile at us. You were there for Rinoa when she needed you. You held her in her...her last minutes." Seifer swallowed, trying to force down the lump in his throat.
"I didn't have any curative magic on me!" said Quistis, her voice rising in volume. "One lousy Cure! I'm trying to teach Magic to a bunch of SeeD candidates, but I can't even keep a few Life spells on me! Squall had Full-Life on him! He used them on Rinoa after she was already dead! If I'd had some and used them in time, she'd still be...still be...Seifer, it's my fault!" She was now screaming, with tears pouring onto her blouse.
Seifer pulled her into another hug. Quistis gripped him tightly, burying her face in his shoulder. She cried openly, her sounds of desperate grief muffled by Seifer's muscular chest. Seifer rubbed her head, fighting his own tears. He was surprised at how physically strong his wife seemed to be. She's...squeezing me kind of tight. I didn't know she was this strong.
"Why, Seifer, why? She never hurt anybody! Why was she punished like that?" Quistis could no longer contain herself, and began blurting out all her thoughts and fears at once. "She was so gentle! She loved Squall and Lexie so much! She loved everybody! I'm not worthy of her trust! I'm so scared...what's gonna happen to me?"
Seifer listened to Quistis' outburst, unsure what to make of it. "Shh, shh," he said, "everything will be okay. I promise. I'll protect you. Nobody will hurt you."
Quistis held on for dear life, afraid of what would happen if he ever let go. I can't tell him. No...I have to. No, I can't! I can't put him through all that again, even if it's me he'd be protecting!
Quistis sighed, letting a few more sobs escape from her throat. Slowly, she released her husband and fell back into her chair. She rubbed her red eyes and sighed, releasing a few more soft sobs. Seifer could only watch her with a dull ache in his heart.
Quistis looked at the tray of food, grimacing. "I'm not hungry," she said quietly.
Seifer nodded. "I'll put them in the fridge for later." He picked up the tray and carried it into the kitchen.
Just then, there was a knock at the door. "I'll get it," called Seifer from the kitchen.
"No, it's okay," said Quistis. She pushed herself up out of the chair and walked, unenthusiastically, toward the door. When she opened it, she was quickly attacked by Selphie, who launched herself onto Quistis and hugged her tightly.
"Oh, Quisty! This is so...terrible!" said Selphie.
Quistis patted the smaller woman on her back, the smile she was trying to force to the surface not quite making it. "Yeah, yeah it is. Hi, Irvine." Irvine, his eyes vacant of their normal mirth, simply nodded and tipped his hat.
"Come on in, guys," said Quistis. Selphie let her go, and they all went into the living room. Quistis sat back down in her chair, and Selphie sat down on the sofa. Irvine, looking very distressed, just stood by the front door.
"Quisty, I'm so, so sorry!" Selphie lunged toward Quistis and hugged her again, tears dripping down onto the blonde Instructor's shoulder. Quistis, now trying to hold her strength for her friend's benefit, stroked her brown hair.
"Selphie, it's not your fault."
"It was our Garden that...that...killed...her!" Selphie released the cries of agony she'd been holding inside since she'd heard the news.
"It...wasn't your fault. Someone in your Garden is to blame, but it's not you. You two were leading the invasion force, weren't you?" Quistis voice trembled slightly, but her newfound resolve held.
"Yeah..." said Selphie. For the first time since Quistis had known her, Selphie was both speechless and cheerless. She released Quistis and sat back on the sofa. When she did, she saw Seifer standing in the kitchen doorway. "Hey, Seif," she said.
I hate when she calls me that, thought Seifer. "Hey Selphie, Irvine. How are you two doing?"
Quistis looked up at Seifer. Stupid question.
Seifer, seeing the look on Quistis' face, just turned away. However, Irvine spoke up for the first time this evening. "Not good. But we're more worried about you guys. You were a lot closer to her than we were."
Seifer stood still for a second, but couldn't find anything meaningful to say. He just nodded.
Then, there was another knock at the door. This one sounded like it was made with a metal hammer. "Sounds like Zell," said Irvine. He opened the door, and said, "Hey, man."
Zell nodded at the cowboy and walked in. "Hey, Irv. Sefie. Good to see ya both." His arms, usually tensed and ready to be deployed at a second's notice, hung limply at his sides.
"Hey, Zell," said Selphie, sniffling. "How've ya been?"
Zell shook his head. "I just went to see Squall. I gave him the report from the...uh...accident. Ya know, Squall may have had kind of a cold personality, but tonight, I was actually scared of him. I thought he'd attack me or something."
"This has hit him so hard," said Quistis quietly, for fear of losing the battle with her emotions. "He loved her so much. She was everything to him."
"Maybe...maybe we should all try to cheer him up, huh?" said Selphie.
"No," said Seifer, cutting in. "This isn't like he just lost an acquaintance or something. He lost a big piece of himself. When they were together, they were like one person. Now that she's gone, he's just empty. There's no way we can fill that." Seifer crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. His eyes gazed off into space.
"Well, we gotta try, don't we?" asked Selphie. "If not for him, then at least for Lexie! I mean, we're all like aunts and uncles to her."
"We need to try, for both of them," said Quistis, nodding.
*"Rinoa!"
Squall ran through the halls of Garden, following the drops of blood. But this wasn't Garden. Every intersection had three branches, three choices of direction. Worse, the trail of blood always seemed to head in all directions at the same time. Someone was trying to keep him from her.
They won't stop me! I have to find her!
"Squall, help me," came Rinoa's faint voice.
Squall kept running, his legs growing heavier by the second. After nearly an hour, he reached a dead end. No door, only solid wall. He turned around to backtrack, but it had also been closed off. He was trapped in a sealed, doorless chamber.
"No!" he shouted, slamming his fists into one of the walls. The wall fell down, revealing the forward window of Balamb Garden's bridge. The controls seemed to move by themselves, and Squall eyed them curiously. Suddenly, he saw their heading; they were flying directly at Trabia Garden.
"What? Where did they come from?" he shouted, grabbing the controls. They responded very sluggishly, but he threw all his weight into moving the steering vane. Suddenly, it snapped off and crumbled in his hands. As he looked down in disbelief, a different control panel rose up from the floor. He recognized it as the original, rusted control panel that had been removed when Garden was renovated several years ago.
He looked back up, and saw that they were mere seconds away from ramming headlong into the other Garden. Squall frantically manipulated the controls, but found that none of them responded to his actions. He looked up one more time, just as T-Garden rammed into them.
Squall heard the cries of a hundred people dying as he was thrown off the bridge. He fell backward toward the metal floor, but couldn't scream; his voice was gone. When he finally struck the floor, he didn't feel the crushing pain of bone against metal, but the soft cushioning of a bed.
He sat up, and saw he was in the Infirmary, in the small room that he had grown to hate. He jumped off the bed and examined it, finding dozens of small bloodstains on it.
He checked himself, and found that he was bleeding from as many small wounds. He felt no pain, but his blood poured out, soaked his clothes, and coated the floor in a grisly mess.
"Squall," came a voice behind him. He spun around and saw Quistis, looking at him with narrow, accusing eyes. She lashed out, backhanding him across the face. Squall was spun around by the ferocious blow, and he landed on top of the bed's new occupant. Squall gasped when he saw Rinoa lying motionless, coated with blood.
It was then he noticed that he was no longer inured or spurting blood. Instead, he had a gaping black hole where his chest should have been. He stuck a hand into it, and pulled out a bouquet of dead, moldy roses. Unsure what to do with them, he placed them on Rinoa's chest.
Suddenly, her eyes shot open, focusing on Squall. Squall tried to jump back, but realized he had been struck with Petrify. Rinoa leaned up, licking her lips. Under her rough, dried tongue's touch, her lips flayed off and began to leak blood into her mouth and down her chin.
Squall felt the Petrify spell wear off as Rinoa grabbed him by the head, and pressed her bloody lips to his. He felt the bitter, salty taste of her cold blood in his mouth, but was too frightened to move. When Rinoa released the kiss, she stared at him with sad eyes. Then, she smiled, her cheeks cracking open, and said, "Take her, Squall. She's me, now."
She forcefully turned him around, showing him Quistis standing behind him. The blonde Instructor was giving him a very seductive look; one he had never seen in her eyes before. Rinoa then powerfully shoved him from behind, and he fell into Quistis' waiting arms. She pressed her mouth to his, and stuck her tongue deep into his mouth. Squall tried to push himself away, but Quistis was far too strong for him. He felt her tongue caress his, and then move further into his mouth and down his throat, blocking his windpipe.
He struggled as best he could, but couldn't free himself from the blonde woman's grip. Help me! his mind cried. I can't breathe! Rinoa!
"Daddy!"
What? Where...?
"Mommy! Help me!"
The voice came from inside Quistis' body. Squall tried again to press himself away, but her sharp nails dug into his back, easily piercing his skin. Squall lungs were screaming for air as she continued to suffocate him.
"Mommy! Mommy!"
Squall gasped and sat straight up on the couch. His breath came in short bursts as he looked around the room.
Mommy! Daddy!
Lexie! thought Squall. He looked down beside him, and saw the toddler lying still, deep in slumber. He placed two fingers at the side of her neck. She's warm. She's got a pulse. He sighed, and tried to remember why he was in the living room.
Daddy! Where's Mommy?
He looked back down at Alexa with surprise. I...I can hear her in my head! How?
Mommy! Please come back!
She sounded so unbelievably desperate to have her mother back. That makes two of us, thought Squall. Rin, I'm so sorry. I was supposed to protect you. I was supposed to be your knight. He forced his eyes shut and clenched his jaw. Now you're gone, and we'll never get you back. I'll never see your face again, I'll never hear your voice...
He covered his face with one hand and wept silently for several minutes.
"Daddy?"
Squall looked down at Alexa, whom he hadn't noticed waking up. "Y-yeah?"
"Daddy, are you crying?" Alexa's eyes, so innocent yet so wise, brought warmth to Squall's heart. That warmth, however, only opened the floodgates of his emotions, and he began to sob harder.
"Yeah," he said.
Upon hearing this, Alexa climbed onto her father's lap, and hugged his neck tightly. Squall likewise wrapped his arms around her. "Everything will be okay, Daddy," said Alexa, suddenly much older than she had been hours before. "We'll be okay."
Squall couldn't help but smile. He smiled so widely that his lips parted, allowing his tears to run into his mouth. But he didn't care. "I know, Sweetie, I know." His bawling subsided slightly.
"I miss Mommy," said Alexa, sniffling.
"Yeah, me too," said Squall.
*Squall sat in his office the next morning at 9:25, his chair turned away from the door. He had music playing over his stereo, and he simply sat there, his eyes shut, allowing the angelic tones to penetrate his soul.
He then heard his door open. "Squall?" came a voice.
"What is it, Zell?" replied Squall.
"Instructor, uh, Markson is here, like you wanted. The two students from Trabia should be here in the next twenty minutes." Zell approached the desk slowly, hoping to avoid the Commander's wrath.
"Send her in, in a few minutes," replied Squall. Zell waited for further explanation, but received none.
"Ok," said Zell. He stood there for a few seconds, listening to the music. That voice sounds so familiar, he thought. Then, it clicked. "That's...'Eyes On Me', right?"
No response.
Zell persisted, hoping some small talk would open Squall up, if only a little. "That Julia Caraway sure had a beautiful voice, didn't she?"
Zell wasn't sure, but he thought he heard a sigh from Squall. "Yeah, she did. But she didn't sound as good as this."
"She...huh?" Zell scratched his head, and then his jaw dropped open. "This is...Rinoa?"
"She made it for me on our first anniversary," said Squall.
"Man she had a great..." Zell started, but then realized what he was saying, and shut his mouth.
"Yeah, she did," said Squall. Zell saw a gloved hand point a remote control at the stereo, and the device immediately shut off. Squall turned his chair around, and Zell nearly jumped when he saw the Commander's face. His eyes were bloodshot and barely open. His mouth was drawn into a hard frown, and his jaw was set. He also was wearing his SeeD uniform, which was something Squall almost never did.
Squall observed his friend looking him over. Don't you have something better to do? he thought. "Send Instructor Markson in," he finally said. Zell nodded and hastily made an exit.
Squall crossed his hands on his desk as he waited for the Instructor to enter. When she finally did, he absorbed the image of the woman. She was about Selphie's size, with red hair drawn into a bun at the back of her head. She marched with an uncertain stride toward Squall's desk. When she reached it, she stopped and saluted. Squall stood and returned the salute, and then said, "Sit."
Markson complied, her hands and knees shaking. She obviously knew she was in trouble. She has no idea, Squall thought.
"I'm going to cut right to the chase, Instructor. During the military exercise yesterday, which, at the time, you thought was a real attack, correct...?" He did not wait for an answer. "...you managed to lose track of one of your students, and caused the death of Instructor Rinoa Leonhart."
Markson's mouth fell open. "S-sir...I...I..."
Squall interrupted, "She went looking for your student, and thus, was killed during an accident which should have harmed no one, as no one was supposed to be in that section of Garden during any attack." His voice grew louder with each word.
Markson could not reply. She simply sat there and took the verbal punishment, trying desperately to not break into tears in front of her Commander. It was all she could do to keep from running away from the intense, bloodshot stare of Squall Leonhart.
Squall, seeing her on the verge of breakdown, decided to press harder. "What the hell makes you think you deserve to be an Instructor? If I had my way, I'd drum you out of Garden right now! But," he hesitated, taking a deep breath, "I can't do that." His voice grew quieter, yet much more terrifying to the woman. "I don't have the authority. But you can rest assured I will do everything in my power to make sure you never..."
The door opened at the back of the office, and Squall suddenly stopped his diatribe. Cid entered, looking very disapprovingly at Squall. Dammit, I wanted to get this all done before he got back from Centra.
"Squall, maybe you'd better let me handle this," said Cid, evenly.
"Sir, with all due respect, it's my duty..."
"Squall, I think it best if you let me handle the investigation into the...incident." Cid spoke matter-of-factly, telling Squall that it was not a request, it was an order.
"Yes, sir," sighed Squall. He focused his attention back on Markson. "You're dismissed."
Markson pushed herself out of the chair, barely able to stand. She walked as fast as she could toward the door, praying Squall didn't pull a gun and shoot her in the back. Just before she reached the door, Cid said quietly to her, "Instructor, please wait outside. We'll talk in a few minutes."
Markson nodded, then burst into tears as she ran out of the office. Cid closed his eyes, and then the office door. He walked quietly over to Squall, who was fuming over Cid's rescinding of this duty.
"Squall," said Cid, "When I heard about what happened, I came back as soon as I could. I want you to know how sorry I am..."
"Yeah, everyone's sorry," interrupted Squall sarcastically. "Doesn't bring Rinoa back, does it?"
Cid gave a fatherly sigh. "No, Squall, it doesn't. Neither does verbally abusing an Instructor who clearly wasn't at fault."
"Sir!" spat Squall, standing up. "She lost one of her students during an attack! Lost one of her students! If that's not the sign of an incompetent Instructor..."
"It's not," said Cid. Squall, realizing he'd chosen a losing battle, sat down slowly. Cid likewise sat down in the chair occupied moments before by Markson. "Squall, I have nothing but sympathy for you and your daughter. Rinoa was very dear to me, as she was to many people here. But I can not allow you to handle the investigation into this. Your treatment of Markson shows how much you've lost your ability to think rationally."
Squall's eyes lit up. You're calling me irrational? Why you cowardly...
Cid shook his head. "I will personally handle the investigation, and ensure that those guilty are appropriately punished. You will take time off from your duties to spend with your daughter and your friends, and try to mend your heart." He leaned forward. "Squall, I don't want to see you in this office for at least the next two weeks. You need time to recover, and I know you always neglect yourself over others. That's a noble quality in you, but you often forget that you need to take care of your own needs as well as others'. Oh, and I'll take care of the...funeral arrangements as well."
Squall shuddered with the reminder that Rinoa's funeral would be very soon. He suddenly felt tired. I don't want to have this conversation anymore. "Fine, I'll take two weeks off."
Cid gave a small smile. "Good. There's one more thing I want you to know. Edea wanted very much to come see you, and she's going to do her best to be here before the...funeral, but with the rebuilding of the orphanage and the new children she's looking after..."
Squall nodded understandingly, not entirely listening to Cid drone on about the new orphanage. I'd rather she not come at all, though. If I can't work, then I want to spend this time alone with Lexie. All Matron will remind me of is my pain.
"Oh, and I guess there's one more thing after that," Cid continued, snapping Squall out of his train of thought. "Anywhere you want to go, anyone you want to see, Garden will take you there, no questions asked. I'm sure your father and Ellone will both be here for the funeral, but in case you need to get away for a while..." He left it at that.
Squall nodded and stood up. "Thank...thank you, sir." He disguised the anger behind his words.
Cid stood and put his hand on Squall's shoulder. "I'll make sure Instructor Markson knows how much stress you're under, and that you apologize."
I don't apologize, Squall thought bitterly. It's her fault Rinoa was out there to begin with. But all arguing will get me now is a longer suspension. "Fine," he said simply.
Cid nodded at Squall, and walked out of the office. Squall fell into his chair and rubbed his temples. Then, he keyed the intercom and said, "Deputy Commander Dincht to the Commander's office, please. Zell to the Commander's office."
Not more than one second later, Zell popped his head in. "You called?"
Squall stood from his chair and approached Zell. Zell moved the rest of his body into the room and waited for Squall to meet him. He tensed up unconsciously, still afraid of what the overstressed Squall may do.
"I've been ordered to take the next two weeks off," said Squall. "You will be Commander full-time for those two weeks. Can you handle it?"
Zell nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, sure, you bet! You should take some time and be with Lexie."
Squall waved him off. "Whatever." He started to walk out of the office.
"Hey, listen for a minute, okay?" Zell expected Squall to keep on walking, but to his surprise, the Commander stopped and cocked his head, waiting for Zell's follow-up. "Uh, you know that we're all here for ya, right? I mean, we all really care for you, and we like how you've gotten more open with us over the past few years. We just don't wanna see you go into hiding again."
Squall shook his head. "You have no idea what I'm going through. And I don't care to tell you." He continued walking out of the office, toward the elevator.
Zell sighed, and headed toward Squall's desk. When he reached it, he noticed a picture lying face down on the desk. He picked it up, and saw that it was Squall, Rinoa, and Alexa at Quistis and Seifer's wedding a year ago. And on the glass, he saw a small, nearly dried wet spot. He knew instantly why Squall was blowing off their attempts to help. He doesn't know how to deal with the pain, and it's scaring him. That's why he's closing himself off again.
Zell turned and walked back to the waiting room, just in time to see the elevator door open for Squall. Inside the elevator was Xu Ling, Trabia Garden Headmaster.
"Squall, hi," said Xu.
Squall nodded curtly. "Headmaster." She stepped out of the elevator, and Squall edged past her to get inside.
"Squall, I'm so sorry. This was a terrible..." Xu was cut off as the elevator doors closed, the lift taking Squall with it as it left the third floor. Xu put her hand over her mouth and shut her eyes.
"Xu?" said Zell, walking over to the uniformed woman. She turned to him with surprise, and then gave a forced smile. "Hey, Zell," she said.
"I know what you're thinking, and it's not your fault," Zell said, placing his hand on her arm.
Xu sighed. "I'm responsible for everything that happens in my Garden. So I'm responsible for this."
Zell, looked down at the floor, not able to watch the pain in the older woman's eyes. He tried to distract himself by admiring how flawlessly Xu's boots were polished.
Xu placed a sympathetic hand on Zell's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Zell. I really am. I know how close you all were."
Zell placed his hand on hers, and looked up into her eyes. Then, without another word, he hugged her. Xu closed her eyes and returned the hug. They had both lost a friend in Rinoa, and at this moment, they were the only ones that could comfort each other.
*Squall knocked on Quistis and Sefier's door. A moment later, it opened, revealing a T-shirt-and-jeans-clad Quistis. Her hair had not been done; she had it pulled back in a basic golden ponytail. When she saw Squall, her eyes lit up a little.
"Hey, Squall," she said, opening the door wide. "Come on in."
Squall shook his head. "I'm just here to take Lexie back home. Thanks for watching her for me." He gazed past Quistis into the apartment, looking for his daughter.
Quistis gave a small smile, but it faded away instantly. "No problem. You know, you only live a couple doors down. Why don't you stay for a little while. Seifer and I would love to..."
"Lexie," called Squall, "come on, it's time to go home!" He did not look at Quistis' face, but he swore he could see her hurt expression in the corner of his eye. She doesn't know what hurt really is, he thought. If she's lucky, she'll never know.
Alexa appeared from behind a piece of furniture. "There you are!" came Seifer's voice, as he pretended to run toward the child. Alexa squealed playfully as she tried to escape him.
"C'mon, Lexie, time to go," said Squall.
"How did your 'meetings' go? They got out a little early," observed Quistis. Squall finally looked at her, noticing her melancholy expression.
Squall shrugged. "I'm on mandatory leave from Command duties for two weeks. Apparently my idea of punishment for the guilty parties was a bit too harsh for Cid's tastes."
Quistis bit her lip. She had a feeling she knew just how harsh Squall had been to them, and she pitied them. No, wait, they were responsible for Rinoa's death! Maybe Cid should have let Squall take care of it.
On second thought, no, she argued, I bet Squall would have killed the Trabia missile crew.
Alexa finally ran up to Squall and hugged his leg, having ended her game with Seifer.
"See you later, Quistis," said Squall, leading Alexa toward their apartment.
"Bye Aunt Quisty and Uncle Seifer!"
Quistis smiled at the girl and waved. She closed the door, and just stood there, staring at it.
When Seifer noticed she hadn't moved, he walked up to her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and said, "He needs time, Quisty. He just lost his wife yesterday. I'm sure he'll get better as time goes by."
"I know," said Quistis. "But he's just...acting so aloof. I mean, I know he's in mourning, and the way he is, he likes to handle that kind of thing himself. But a part of me feels like he's going to retreat into his emotional shell, and never come out again."
Seifer sighed. "Quisty, his wife died yesterday. Violently, I might add. Do you think he's just going to come spend time with us all? Come on!"
Quistis turned around and stared at Seifer, surprised by his rising voice. Seifer continued, "You all seem to hinge on getting Squall's approval for everything, and your lives seem all wrapped up in getting him to be friends with you. He's doing the best he can! He now has a child to raise on his own. Don't you realize how scared he probably is? Do you even remember why it was that he shut everyone out for so long? He couldn't take being hurt! Now he's lost the most important person in his life, and you're all so worried about how friendly he's acting toward you? What the hell?" Seifer turned away in disgust, crossing his arms and walking toward the kitchen.
Quistis was utterly shocked at Seifer's outburst. It felt like he had plunged his gunblade into her heart and twisted it for added torture. She clutched her hands over her chest and trembled as tears started filling her eyes. How can you say all that, Seifer? I know my life doesn't revolve around him! What are you accusing us of?
"We know he's in pain, Seifer," Quistis said, her voice low. "We're his friends. I know he needs time to himself, but I also know that a person can't deal with some things alone. What would you do if I died, huh? Have you ever thought about that?"
Seifer kept silent. He regretted blowing up at Quistis, but he had been holding in all this pain, trying to stay strong for her. His emotions had just boiled over.
Quistis' lower lip trembled and her brow knitted as she glared at Seifer's back. "He is scared right now, you're right. He's so scared that he doesn't want to take the risk of letting anyone else in. But you and I both know he thought about killing himself yesterday. He wanted to die because he thought he had no one in this world. If he goes on feeling that, he may get so depressed that he will die, even if he doesn't physically do the act! And I don't know about you, but that's not something I want on my conscience. I...we all want for him to be able to move on with his life, and we need to help him now, before he goes so far into himself that he'll never come out again!"
Her emotions suddenly spent from her tirade, Quistis ran into the bedroom and shut the door, locking it behind her. She threw himself onto the bed and started to cry, not of despair, but of anger at Seifer's seeming lack of care about Squall. How can he be so callous like that? I love Squall, and I want the best for him! Squall's my husband, after all...
Her mind came to a screeching halt. W...what? Wait, did I just say, "Squall's my husband"? That's not... Why did I say that? Quistis lay there, suddenly very frightened at the foreign thoughts that had invaded her brain. They seemed somewhat familiar, but were definitely not her own. She rolled onto her side and curled up into a fetal position.
In the kitchen, Seifer rubbed his temples, regretting having been so harsh with his wife. However, he felt he knew Squall better than anyone, and that what Squall needed right now was to handle things himself. I really wish I hadn't yelled at Quisty, though. She's lost her best friend, and I know she needs me to be strong for her, not busting her chops. He inhaled, swallowing his pride, and tapped the bedroom door lightly. "Quisty? Look, I'm..."
"Go away, Seifer," came the reply.
Seifer stood there, not wanting to give up so easily. "But..."
"Seifer, I...I just need to be alone right now."
Seifer stared at the door, imagining he could see her inside, her face in her hands, crying over the loss of her friend, the worry for another friend, and being yelled at by her husband. Sighing, he walked into the living room. Maybe I should just leave and let her be alone, like she said, he thought.
Quistis wanted Seifer there with her, no matter how much he yelled at her. She wanted him to protect her from the million errant thoughts swarming her consciousness. She wanted it so much. But now she was becoming more afraid of herself than she could have imagined. I can't do this on my own, but I can't ask Seifer to go through being a knight again. Who can I talk to? Who would understand? Squall would, but he won't say more than two words to me.
Then it dawned on her. Wait...Matron knew Rinoa still had her powers. She probably helped them keep the secret. She stood up with a newfound strength and sense of purpose. That's it. I need to go see Matron.
She opened the bedroom door, and headed for the living room. She found Seifer loading his gunblade, obviously preparing to go drown his sorrows in the Training Center. "Seifer, I'm sorry," she said, rather quickly. "You were right, I need to give Squall space. But at the same time..." how do I say this? "I...I think we should see Matron, see if she can think of a way to help Squall." I wouldn't even believe that lie myself.
"Matron?" said Seifer. He placed the gunblade on the coffee table and leaned on his knees. "Well, I guess it couldn't hurt, although she hasn't been around Squall very much recently."
"We need to get ahold of her," Quistis insisted. "I just need to see her." She'll be able to help me. If not, I don't know what I'm going to do.