~*Everything You Want*~
Chapter Fifteen: Hold Her Closer
Thalia: *cries* That's all I have to say, really.
Dove: I concur. I cried writing this chapter. I hope it touches you as well.
Disclaimer: Rowling never wrote this much angst.
"So hold her closer when she cries
Hold her closer when she feels
She needs a hand to hold
Someone who'll never let her go again
And hold her closer when she's down
When her world is upside down
Turn it around
Hold her close…"
-Blessid Union of Souls, "Hold Her Closer"
The warm and sunny day of the Final task, Cho spent in the last round of O.W.L.s. After her exams were finished and she was relatively sure of her good scores, she retired to her bed to nurse a monster headache which had come out of nowhere. She dozed through dinner and awoke as the sun was beginning to set. She jumped up, wishing she could yell at someone for not waking her up sooner, but realizing that she had probably been sleeping soundly as the dead (what after her Potions O.W.L., which had been particularly heinous) and even if someone had tried, she had probably ignored them.
Throwing on her robes, donning her shoes, and running a hand through her hair, Cho dashed down the stairs. She knew the Final Task started precisely at dusk, and she would be lucky to get down the stairs and out the door in time to see the Champions enter the maze. There was no way she could see Cedric now and wish him good luck, as much as she wanted to. Well, she would see him after the Task, which he was sure to win. Of course Ced had to win. They'd worked so hard together. He and Harry Potter were in the lead, and Harry, as lucky a boy as he seemed to be, simply couldn't be up to Ced's level. So, Cho was looking forward to a celebration of gargantuan proportions after the Task.
Indeed, she reached the Quidditch pitch (which looked very little like the Quidditch pitch at the moment) just as the first shrill whistle rang out. By the time she managed to get close enough to see the entrance, she beheld only a nervous Fleur and a surly Krum (then again, Krum always looked rather surly). The second whistle sounded. Krum took off. Cho wasn't quite awake enough to smirk at Fleur's last place position.
She found Penelope in the crowd and made her way to her slowly. "Do you feel better now?" Penny asked.
Cho nodded. "Oh, intensely. I needed the sleep." The final whistle sounded.
Cedric was looking for you beforehand," Penelope said. "I told him you were probably still asleep. He seemed glad."
"He's been telling me to get more rest." Cho blushed a little, trying not to think about what else Ced had been telling her lately. "I'll be here when he comes out, anyway."
Penny nodded. "Yes. It's no great loss. I only wish… we don't really see much… kind of like the last one really… of course, you wouldn't be able to tell, as you were in the lake at the time."
"It's still exciting, isn't it?" asked Mandy Brocklehurst, sidling up to them, Su and Lisa in tow. "I can just feel it in the air."
The other Chinese girl looked excited as well. "Yes, it's so frenzied! But happy too." A feminine scream sounded and the girls turned their heads as one towards the tall walls of the maze. "Except that," Su was quick to add. "That didn't sound happy at all."
Red sparks shot up from somewhere within the maze, and immediately, Professors McGonagall and Flitwick got up from their seats to see what was going on. Cho, craning her neck, and heard an exclamation of surprise from within the maze.
"I wonder what's going on in there," Su remarked at her side, "Someone's been disqualified now... red sparks means a forfeit. Sounded like Delacour from the screams."
Cho nodded, and bit down a smile.
True enough, a rather grim-faced Professor Flitwick levitated Fleur out a few moments later. The blonde girl had been stunned. The Beauxbatons students made sounds of discontent and disappointment, and Cho noticed the little girl, Gabrielle, start talking very fast with someone who must be her mother, in French. But... this was very odd...
If Fleur had been stunned... how could she have shot up the red sparks? Something was not right. A slight chill raced down her spine and she shivered involuntarily.
"I hope that Ced is all right," she whispered to herself.
"So," Lisa remarked from her other side, "if Cedric wins, what're you going to do?"
"Congratulate him, celebrate for a little while, the usual," Cho said, her eyes still riveted upon the maze. "I wonder how the rest of them are doing in there."
"Well, there doesn't seem to be too much happening right now. Mind, we can't see a thing with that hedge, and besides, it's getting dark. What's the point of watching if we can't see anything anyway? Rather stupid..." Padma Patil remarked. Cho nodded. She wished that she could see what was going on, just to ascertain that nothing that should not be going on was not going on.
The conversation then shifted to plans for the summer. Su was going to China, and Mandy seemed quite envious. "I'm not going anywhere, and Gordon, the big lug, has invited his girlfriend over to our house for a few weeks. Just what I need... to watch the two playing kissy-face on the sofa every day..." The girls laughed, even Cho.
"Gordon has a girlfriend?! How rude, he never told me! Ooh, I will have to tease him about this!" she grinned slightly, "Who is she?"
Mandy shrugged expansively, "Some girl from Gryffindor... I think she's Oliver Wood's sister."
All of the girls collectively laughed, Cho the hardest of all. "Well, I can see why he's been keeping mum about it! The sister of the Gryffindor captain! Well, I suppose it's better than falling for someone related to the Slytherin team..."
"Well, although I'm sure that Marcus Flint would love to have a go at him, I don't think that Gordon swings that way," Padma deadpanned, "And besides, Gordon is liable to knock out the guinea pig teeth with his Beater's club."
"Hey, this is my brother you are speculating about! Stop it, the mental images are killing me!" Mandy complained. Cho smiled. Oh, but it felt great to laugh again!
Her laughter would be short-lived indeed.
All of the sudden, the peace was broken again, this time by screams. Cho stiffened. Those screams... Cedric! What was going on in there?
Then, a cry of "Stupefy!" Harry. And the screams ceased. No red sparks. Cho relaxed slightly, and fervently thanked the Gryffindor champion under her breath. Now... it was dark already. They must be getting close to their target. She simply had to wait.
***
The time ticked by, and still, there was no sign of anyone coming out of the maze. Soon, it was completely dark, and the girls close by began to complain about hunger. Cho absently conjured up a plateful of almond cookies, and passed it around, much to their gratitude. It would disappear in a bit, after they had eaten it, so they would be hungry again in an hour or so, but it would do for now.
Finally, much, much later, there was some sign of movement at the end of the maze. Cho could not see... it was too far off from where she was stationed, but all of the sudden, exclamations of surprise and horror traveled through the stands, and she saw Professor Dumbledore rushing from the judges' table. "Oh my God, Diggory!" she heard someone call out. But it was not a congratulatory call. The voice, whoever had uttered the words, had been horrified. Something was terribly, terribly wrong.
Cho fought her way through the throng that was trying to see what was going on. Cedric... he was smart. He might be injured... but he was all right. Wasn't he?
At last, she managed to make her way through the crowd to a vantage point where she could see what was going on. And what she saw made her heart stop, fall to the ground and shatter into a thousand pieces.
Harry Potter, his face ashen, green eyes huge on his face, scar standing out livid against his milk-white skin, stood there, a numb look of shock on his face. In one hand, he held the Triwizard cup. In the other, he held the arm of Cedric.
Cedric was quite clearly dead.
She felt her insides turn to frozen lead. It was wrong. She was imagining things. She had to be. She had to be!! Cho reached up a hand to her hair and gave a tug, then winced. No... she felt it. She was not dreaming. This was real.... NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! Her body seemed to take a mind of its own, as her brain seemed to have gone into a broken-record mode.
She didn't even feel the tears starting until she was nearly blinded by them, and she stumbled backwards, then ran, uncaring of what or who she might be bumping into. Distantly, she heard a scream of anguish ripping through the air, and realized that it was her own.
There was nothing to stop her... she was flying forward, without any brakes. Until she crashed into a warm, solid body, and reflexively put her arms around it, clinging desperately to the person. To something alive. She didn't know who it was, nor did she care. Even if it had been Professor Snape, she would not have given any protest. She needed warmth. Someone to hold. Someone to hold her.
Roger Davies, a look of pain on his face, tightened his arms around her trembling body.
"This wasn't supposed to happen," Cho sobbed. "This wasn't supposed to happen!!!" It was a strange sort of tranquility she felt inside her mind as her body and heart raged against the truth. It hurt-it hurt terribly-but she somehow managed to think straight even so, though she couldn't for the life of her make the words in her mind come out of her mouth. Only tears and exclamations as to the unfairness of it all came. She thought she may have regressed into Chinese at one point. Whoever was holding her continued to do so silently, letting her cry her eyes dry. She was glad that whoever it was understood. She didn't need or want words of reassurance-how could one say "it will be all right" when everything was clearly so wrong? She just needed someone to hold her down while she raged.
Slowly, exhaustion took over. The tears flowed steadily, but her whole body was starting to feel numb and heavy. She could tell that most everyone around her had gone back to the castle. She heard crickets and nothing else. Silence. Finally she looked up. Her eyes, cried red and puffy, widened. "Roger?"
He looked down at her silently and felt his heart break at the pain in her eyes. He couldn't say anything at all.
Instinctively, she tightened her hands around his robes where she had clutched at them. "God, Roger… Roger, please…" She took a deep, shaky breath, but the tears showed no sign of stopping. "Oh please, Roger, I don't know what I did, I swear I don't know, but I will get down on my knees I front of you and plead for forgiveness… Just don't leave me alone… please, please don't leave me alone…" Her head fell back to his chest and she breathed slowly, trying to remind herself why she was standing when she so wanted to fall into oblivion, telling herself in turns that this was another nightmare and she would soon wake up and then reminding herself that it was real and she had to stay together. "Please," she whispered.
Roger, his face pained, ran his hands down her back in comfort. "I won't go anywhere," he said lowly. "It's all right. Cry all you need to." He let her cry until he felt her head drooping heavily, and then he picked her up and said "Come on, Cho, you need to go to the Infirmary."
She shook her head sleepily. "I just want to go to bed… don't take me up there right now…"
Roger sighed and nodded. "All right. I'll go tell Flitwick where you are afterwards." The professor, as well as many others, had approached him while he held her and looked sympathetic. He hadn't let anyone take her away, though heaven knew the nurse had tried. He doubted she had even heard it through the torrential downpour of her grief. "Go to sleep, Cho." He didn't tell her things would be better in the morning-how could he? He only carried her half-asleep figure up the steps and into the castle.
Ravenclaw Tower had never been so deafeningly silent as it was when Roger, with a tight jaw and a set face, carrying an unconscious, ashen, swollen-eyed Cho, walked in. No one spoke. Although Cassandra and Melissa had started to step forward to offer their roommate their condolences, they were stopped by the look in Roger's eyes, a look that clearly said, "Stay away from her right now, and don't say a word." Confused, the two girls turned to Penelope, who silently shook her head.
Everyone looked uncomfortable, and Henry Vanderhoff finally stepped forward slightly, whispering to Roger whether or not he needed help to carry Cho to her dormitory, so she could be put to bed. Roger looked down at the small form in his arms, her head burrowed in his chest. Her little hands were clenched around handfuls of his robe, clinging desperately.
Finally, he shook his head, and sat down on the couch, laying her down as best as he could across the blue velvet length. Penelope came forward and covered the younger girl's body with a blanket, and gradually, the others, everyone with a somber, scared look on his or her face, walked out of the common room to the dormitories. Roger was left alone with Cho, fast asleep in his arms, her body still shaking periodically with sobs.
Roger absently smoothed down her hair as she slept, cheeks marked with tearstains. What was he to do now? How did one comfort the girl he loved, who had just lost the man she loved?
She moaned slightly in her sleep, and he reflexively tightened his hold on her. He glanced down at her face, half-covered with hair, and visible in the dying firelight. He remembered the last time that she had fallen asleep like this, with her head in his lap. That had been the day before the Gryffindor/Hufflepuff match last year. Before everything had fallen down. She had been smiling then.
Would she ever smile again? And if she would... would he ever be there to see it?
He knew that he would get no sleep that night.
***
Cho awoke the next morning with a headache. Other than that, her mind was blank. She was comfortable, but miserably unhappy. She didn't know why. Suddenly, just as she was considering getting up and heading to the Infirmary for a headache remedy, everything came crashing back to her. Cedric. Oh God, Cedric.
Wordlessly, without moving, Cho began to cry. The tears poured silently from her eyes in the gray light of pre-dawn, and the silence around her and the cool, usually comforting air of the Ravenclaw common room made her cold, but she couldn't have moved or spoken, so she only lay and cried and shivered.
Moments later, she was brought up by a pair of strong arms, and Roger held her against him, and it was warmer, and slowly she stopped shivering. "Hi," he said, unable to think of what else to say. "Good morning" wouldn't have done at all.
"'Lo," Cho replied softly.
"You should eat," he said. She only shook her head. "All right then. Do you want to go up to your dormitory?" She shrugged. Roger sighed. "Listen, Cho, I'm sorry-I'm so sorry about-"
She quieted him with a soul-searching look. "Are you going away again?"
He gave her half a smile. "No. I'm staying right here."
She took a shaky breath. "Good." She lowered her head onto his shoulder and fell back to sleep. Roger sighed once more and ran his hand exhaustedly though her hair. She cried unknowingly long after she had fallen asleep.
***
It was the same all week. Cho was silent, and only Roger seemed to be able to get her to talk. Penelope brought her food constantly. Cho ignored the dishes that sat in front of her as the tears fell relentlessly. No one tried to speak with her or interest her in anything at all. She became the ghost of Ravenclaw Tower, and silence descended upon any room she entered.
A week later at the Parting feast, Dumbledore spoke of Cedric. Cho, flanked by Roger on one side and Penelope on the other, cried silently as she had before. More than one face turned to her when Cedric was mentioned. Had she cared, she would have seen that Fleur watched her with sympathy and Harry with grief.
But Cho didn't care. Nothing mattered at that moment except getting out of there. She didn't want to be in a room full of people, none of whom had ever known or understood Cedric Diggory. They mourned for him because he had been one of their number, because he had died at the hands of something evil, something frightening. She mourned simply because he had taken with him a piece of her heart.
She remembered still that brotherly kiss on the forehead the night before, his melancholy musings as to the nature of the stars, the bittersweet look, all of the words he had said, words she had been ready to contest with him at the first opportunity. Only that opportunity would never come, and Cho knew with the same kind of cold certainty which caused her to ace Defense Against the Dark Arts exams that things had shifted the night before everything had happened and now, now there was no way for her to put it back to rights. Her world was tilted on a strange axis and she had no idea where it would tilt now and whether she would stay on at all.
"Cho, you should eat," Roger said next to her, looking at her with desolate eyes. It was hard to see her haunted like this. Her eyes were dilated, black as the night, and blank, as though her mind had effectively stopped. Her cheeks were sinking in a bit and her eyes had bags underneath them. Her skin was continuously tender from tears meandering down her face. She didn't speak. "Please, have some of this soup at least."
Silently, Cho opened her mouth and accepted the spoonful he offered her and swallowed the thick warm liquid. The first spoonful was followed by a second and she ate, her eyes closed, accepting without argument as a baby bird might accept from its mother. Roger fed her, watching her face, aware of Penelope looking at both of them with her eyes shadowed and of Calista next to her, squeezing her hand tightly.
There was no laughter as there had been the year before, and at the Ravenclaw table, the only tears were Cho's. But the silence belonged to everyone as the House of learning watched one of its brightest stars flicker in her existence. No one said anything at all.
Thus the year at Hogwarts ended.
***
After the ordeal of the Parting Feast, Roger, one arm still protectively around the weeping Cho, walked slowly back to Ravenclaw Tower. Now and then, he would glance down at her, and every time, he would see the same thing. A pale, crying Cho, who somehow remained heartbreakingly beautiful even now, in her pain. He thinned his lips. No... Roger Davies, you are one selfish, abominable git. Now is not the time... she needs a friend, she does not need you to moon over her when she's like this.
Finally, with her stumbling along as he gently led her forward, they reached Ravenclaw Tower. Roger whispered the password, "Sapience" to the portrait, and it opened, casting sympathetic, commiserating glances down at the two bowed, dark heads. Roger led her in, and once again, they sat on the couch, Cho wearily laying her head in his lap. A pair of pitiful dark eyes looked up into his, and his heart gave a painful wrench in his chest. He wanted to say, "Please, please... just... smile again..." but he knew that it would be futile. So, instead, he simply let her cry herself out once more, stroking her hair softly, feeling near tears himself at the grief-stricken expression on her face.
Finally, she calmed down, and it seemed that the inner turmoil had abated slightly. Her voice was soft when she addressed him, "Roger..."
"Yes?"
"I... thank you..." she said softly, "And... I'm sorry..." a few tears drifted out once more, and he quickly wiped them away with his hand.
"Shh... don't... don't worry about it," he said soothingly. Cho gave him what looked like a valiant but vain attempt to smile.
"Roger... can we not go home on the train tomorrow?" she asked, "I... I... everyone is..."
"Of course we don't have to. I'll owl our parents and we can take a coach home, we don't have to have anyone there with us, and you don't have to see anyone..." he hurriedly replied. "I'll go and do it as soon as possible." Cho nodded, and slowly got up. He stood, and gave her an awkward hug.
After a quickly scribbled note to his mother telling her that Cho and himself were going to come home on a carriage this year, he ran off to the Owlery. Cho watched him leave, and slowly sat back down on the couch. Her face, though pale and tearstained and weary, was calm. There were no more tears to cry.
He came back a few minutes later, and sat back down next to her, his face nearly as pained as hers. However, he did not say anything, and neither did she. The two of them just sat there, her head resting upon his shoulder, in the exhausted silence that comes after the storm of grief. Everyone else was packing and getting ready to leave the next day. Penelope and Calista came down the stairs from the fifth year girls' dormitory, and the former told Cho that they had packed her things for her.
"Thank you," Cho said softly.
She remained silent for the rest of the night, but it was a start. And when she fell asleep on this last night of her fifth year, her eyes were dry.