I wanted to get to the juicy parts tonight, and hopefully will get around to posting the rest in a few days or so. I have up to Volume III, Chapter vi done, I believe. Despite how much I complain about it, I put a LOT of hard work into this, and stayed up MANY nights trying to get it perfect. I don't like it in comparison to the stuff I write now, in terms of grammar and fluency and flow, but considering the effort I've put into it - it will always rank #1 in my heart. *sighs* I have a love affair with angst, what can I say?
Aaaaangst.....teacher, mother, secret lover....
Hahahaha....little Simpsons humor there for you. Anywho, same general rules apply - it's old, so keep in mind I HAVE (hopefully) improved. Read "Rouge" and see if you can tellthe difference. Hope you enjoyed, and be aware that any comments are greatly appreciated!
ropachan@cox.net
cielenvoye@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/sailorananke/
*******************************
Love Through Time - A Serena and Darien Saga
Volume I, Chapter iii
By Sailor Europa (Ciel Envoye)
My breath was caught in my throat and after only a few seconds on
peace, my mind began whirling even more. My eyes darted over the words,
trying desperately to find an explanation, but grasping nothing from the
simple text. My breath came quick and the answers flew around in the walls
of my mind. The frustration was mounting and I felt like screaming at the
top of my lungs, had I been alone. I was so confused and not even sure why!
I bit my lip and took one solitary breath as I tried to calm my shattered
nerves. I wrung my hands as I set myself straight.
"All right Serena, just calm down." I said as I closed my eyes. It didn't work.
"What is wrong with you? Why are you so out of control?" I whimpered,
opening my eyes to the uncomprehending room. I wrinkled my eyebrows and
plunked my body onto the floor. I glanced back down at the open book and
read the words for the 10th time. My heart raced as my eyes crossed the page
and I was vauguely aware that my hands had begun to shake. I had to get out
of this house. I had to....
"To what?" I asked aloud, once more to the room. It offered nothing. I
picked up the book and slammed it shut. I looked back down at it, now
seeming to glare at me, test me. Then suddenly, I was on my feet and heading
towards the door. I was going to go completely insane if I didn't get some
answers, and for some reason, I was going to get them from him.
********
I headed down the dim street, the lanterns just recently lit. I had
never been out alone after dark, and had I not have been so preoccupied with
my own troubles, I might have been afraid. But I wandered instead down the
familiar path towards the book store. I knew he might not be there, but I
had no idea where he lived. I was taking a chance, especially since someone,
particularly one of Harlan's friends, could spot me on the street. I put
those thoughts out of my mind, and pushed onward. I was relieved to find the
light still burning from inside the store as I arrived a few hundred yards
away. I took a deep, calming breath before I pushed the door open, the bell
ringing loudly as the tension filled silence of the store was sliced in
half. Darien was seated, as usual, behind his desk and he looked up, a
sudden expression of shock upon his face. His confusion was unmasked as he
jumped up to greet me.
"Ms. Williams!" He struggled not to yell. My face was solemn as I
racked my whirling mind as to what I should say. "The shop is closed...." I
put my hand up and pulled the book from my side and shook it threateningly
at him.
"You wrote this! Why didn't....." My breath caught in my throat and I
paused. "Why didn't you tell me?" He gave me a half grin and closed the
records he had been working on. He thrust his chair backwards and stood up.
"I wasn't aware I had to." He walked slowly towards me, and I pushed
myself farther into the room. "Did you come all the way down here just to
ask me that?" I snapped my jaw shut, realizing how inane that sounded. I
had, hadn't I? Just to have him confirm what I already knew? My brain buzzed
loudly, and my eyes widened as they bore into the ground, utterly
humiliated. I wondered how ridiculous I must have looked but he gave me a
hearty chuckle, and a huge smile lit up his handsome face. I got flushed
with embarassment and covered my cheek with my hand, trying to hide the deep
crimson that had crept up to the surface. What had I been thinking? Running
into the night, just to ask him that? Was I insane?
"I.....I'm....." I stuttered, trying to redeem myself. My pulse
quickened and I closed my eyes mercifully, trying desperately to block out
the whole scene. He laughed again and walked closer.
"Don't worry, I guess I assumed you had seen it when you picked it up.
I didn't mean to fool you, I promise." He said as he paused a few feet from
myself. I took a deep breath and continued to look at the floor. What was
wrong with me? "I'm rather surprised Mr. Williams let you out this late, and
just to ask me this?" He gave me an amused grin and I continued to slip into
consciousness. I shook my head ever so slightly.
"He's away.....On business." I replied quietly. A question popped into
my head and I looked up suddenly, my eyes colliding with his own deep blue
ones. He had gotten even a few feet closer than just a few seconds ago and
my face grew so hot I thought it might go up in flames. I temporarily lost
track of my mind as my gaze became unable to look away. The tension
crackled, and my mind body grew uncomfortable, but I couldn't move; I was
paralyzed as I stared helplessly into his gaze. He wore a slight smile and I
felt my throat go dry as my mouth hung open. My mind screamed at me to
speak, run away, do something! But for seconds I couldn't even manage a
coherent thought. I eventually looked slightly downwards, somewhere around
his neck or chest area and cleared my throat nervously. I had to say
something. Break whatever hold this was on me.
"Why do you call me Ms. Williams?" I asked. It was involuntary, and I
almost regretted I even mentioned it then. I knew it was out of the blue,
but at the moment, it was all that seemed to be on my mind, and I was unable
to utter anything else. I waited patiently and silently for his answer,
contemplating his eventual response. I bit my bottom lip again, my eyes
trained right on his chest, which was now heaving in deep breaths. I stared
deeper and longer, and for a second, I was sure I saw his heart pound one
solid time against his ribs.
I felt one soft finger begin to trail against the frame of my jaw and
once more my face flamed up. I began to realize how intimate this moment had
become and upon this realization my heart's pace picked up considerably and
it was all I could do to keep from fainting. I was bolted in place, unable
to move, unable to even think straight. I sucked in one shallow breath as
his finger fell down to my chin and my face was tipped towards his in one
swift moment. Once more our eyes locked and the simple act stopped my
heart.
"I refuse to think of you being married." He uttered softly. The
suggestive nature of the comment should have been enough to send me flying,
never to return. But I remained planted and my breath caught once more. He
was inches from my face, and the room seemed to whirl. Why wasn't I running?
Why was I still here, when I knew I shouldn't be? As my mind whirled, my
eyes were stationary and proved to be staying.
In one short moment, he had dipped his head down, and had tenderly
touched his lips to mine. I muttered a tiny little murmmur of shock and then
nothing. My mind stopped. The world stopped. Everything ceased to exist. I
didn't pull away, but was too surprised to respond in any manner. I wasn't
aware of anything else, save how close he now was to me, and how hard my
heart was pounding, sending pulsating vibrations throughout my whole body.
My eyes voluntarily closed, just a second before my mind began to turn again
and I realized how incredibly wrong this moment was. It was all I could do
to pull my body a few inches away, a horrified expression on my face. What
had just happened? What had I _let_ happen? Oh God....
I shook my head, slightly at first, as my hand flew to my mouth. The
memory of the past few minutes flooded my conciousness and my head bobbed
more violently. I closed my eyes, unable to believe what had just taken
place. I wanted to cry right then, but couldn't. All I could muster was a
dry sob in the tone of a negative remark, before walking backwards, in the
direction of the door. After a few seconds I turned and fled, my mind not
even making sense at that point. I couldn't comprehend anything it was
shouting out and I could only stagger through the night, scared and so
completely confused.
What had I done? What in God's name just happened? Was my mind
completely gone? Why had I gone there in the first place? Too many
questions, only adding to the ones I already had, and none having any
answers. I gasped in quick breaths, and practically tripped over my own feet
as I ran all the way home.
I arrived, after what seemed like an eternity, to find a blissfully
empty house. All the help had retired to their rooms, and I was somewhat
relieved that I had to offer no explanation as to my whereabouts. I
struggled up the stairs to my own room, thankful once more to be alone, if
only for a few days. I dressed in my nightgown and quietly slipped into bed.
I knew sleep wouldn't grace me tonight, but I couldn't bear staying up alone
another minute. I willed my sobs to come, but my eyes stayed dry still. It
seemed cruel now, not allowing me to weep as I so needed to. I tried closing
my eyes, but each time I did, tonight's scene played over in my head, and
even at the memory my face flushed and my heart raced maniacally. I felt a
dry lump form in my throat early in that sleepless evening. What was
happening to me?
*******
I arose from bed early the next morning after a fitful night of
insomnia. I hoped it had all been just a nightmare, but my mind was still
stubborn to my pleas of forgetfulness. as I pulled my weary body out of bed.
I looked at the clock and found that it was 7 that morning, and began to
hear the telltale signs of breakfast being prepared down in the kitchen. I
dressed quickly and went to join them.
Sarah greeted me warmly and I did my best to muster an audible reply.
"Mrs. Ansel called upon you a moment ago." Sarah said in between trips
into the kitchen. I nodded numbly, not able to grasp anything that was being
said. "She has requested that you join her this afternoon at 1." My head
snapped up, and my brow creased inwardly. How could I go out today? My mind
and body were a wreck. But I knew I couldn't, or more appropriately, wouldn'
t lie to my best friend. So I reluctantly agreed and told them that I
planned on eating breakfast alone, and instructed them to serve me in the
garden out back.
I wandered outside a few seconds later and perched myself on the edge
of one of the wire rim chairs that sat beside the table. I found it
impossible to recline fully, my back taught with anxiety. I sighed deeply,
my mind still reaching no answers, and knew that it wouldn't until I could
manage to calm myself down. However that seemed to be too far fetched. How
was I suppose to give myself peace when I'm not sure what is going on inside
my own body?
I ate breakfast silently, alone in the garden as I had said. My mind
was unable to focus, and I was having trouble remembering things from one
moment to the next. My brain kept shooting back to last night, and my cheeks
would flare up unexpectedly. It was all I could do to close my eyes and wish
the feeling away, hoping I could just forget. But my mind was too quick, and
as soon as I would open my eyes, the scene would replay and I would get
flustered all over again. I finally gave up on my half eaten food and
sighed. Forgetting didn't seem to be the only impossiblity.
*******
"So William practically ran the rest of the way, not even bothering to
look back!" Patrice galled on, her light eyes gleaming in amusement. I
barely heard a word of the anecdote she had just finished retelling from a p
arty or a trip or what have you. I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't even
sure how long I had been there. I nodded, my head bobbing unevenly as she
sipped her tea. I stirred my cup absently, my eyes boring into the wall on
the far end of the room. She began another story, and I tried desperately to
listen, my guilt beginning to set in.
"I was in that book shop again today, and had a lovely talk with the
owner, Mr. Jacobson." I choked on the name, my mind perking up at the mere
mention. I fumbled clumsily and almost dropped the saucer in the process. My
hands shook violently as I tried to recompose myself and my tea cup. Patrice
eyed my hands suspiciously as she steadied my cup, and laid them down on the
table in front of us. I placed my hands nervously in my lap.
"Serena?" She began. "Serena, what's wrong?" I stared blankly at the
wall still, not wanting to look at her. "Serena, talk to me. Something
obviously has you upset."
"He kissed me." I blurted out. within a second I had clamped my hand
over my mouth, regretting what I had just let go. She was silent, and I was
sure I would have been able to hear a pin drop. She placed her own tea cup
on the table, and put her hand on my shoulder pulling me tensely to face
her.
"I beg your pardon?" She asked quietly, her eyes begging into my own
for an answer. I took in a ragged breath and backtracked my words.
"Last night, in his shop, he kissed me." She drew in a sharp breath and
shook her head tersely.
"And I thought he was such a nice chap..." My head snapped up and I
grew a touch irritable.
"He is, he really is!" I defended. Her face got shocked and once more I
blushed ferociously at my own words. "I mean...." I stopped, my will
collapsing all around me. "Oh Patrice.... I'm so confused!" I buried my face
in my hands, the tears finally beginning to fall. I wept for a few moments
as Patrice sympathetically rubbed my back, hushing me quietly.
"Serena, darling, what happened?" She asked as I eventually sniffed and
picked my head up, tears still refusing to stop. I pulled out a hankie and
rubbed at my eyes violently. I shook my head.
"I....I'm not sure. I don't remember much, just.....that." I blew my
nose and dabbed at my eyes, hiccuping in response. I stared down at my
dress, now slightly stained with tears, and she put a comforting arm around
my back.
"I don't understand this! He knows you're married, why would he do such
a thing?" I shook my head, but didn't mouth a word. She then met my eyes,
her gaze serious suddenly. "But Serena, I don't understand why you're so
confused. You're married! What else can you do?" My face wrinkled in
understanding and I began to cry again. A few rough sobs wracked my body and
she shushed me again, pulling my hunched body upright.
"I.... I know." I said, turning to face her. "But, I can't stop....
_thinking_ about it! I...I..." I stumbled for the words, but found it unable
to even explain it to myself. I gave an exasperated sigh.
"You liked it."
My neck snapped to attention. She had an expressionless face, and I
stared her straight in the eye. My mind stopped racing in a single moment,
stopped searching. My eyes drifted downward as my brow wrinkled. I had found
my answer.
I nodded in reply and she sighed. I looked up at her, and her face was
a mixture of pity and understanding. I heaved a relieved sigh, grateful that
she didn't hate me for my emotions.
"...Yes." I said aloud, my heart wrenching forward at the thought. It
was true. My mind had finally stopped looking for the answer, and I began to
loathe myself. A married woman, for Gods sake! "I'm sorry."
"Oh Serena, for what?" She replied, laughing despite the situation.
"You can't change your emotions, don't even try!" I looked up at her.
"Patrice, I'm married! I...I can't carry this out!" I exclaimed. "I
shouldn't have even let it come this far." She shook her head, a slight
smile on her face.
"I know that, and so do you. But you _have_ taken it this far." She sat
up straight. "It can only go one of two ways Serena. You have to decide
which way it will be." I nodded miserably at this resolution. I had already
made up my mind.
********
I returned home, resolved and feeling much more like myself. I was
going to return to the store today and set this matter straight. I hadn't
liked the thought of going back, but I knew the longer I put it off, the
harder it would be.
So I set out at 6 that night. It was beginning to get dark, and I knew that
not many people would be around, and I would be able to end it in peace. My
heart thudded violently as I approached, but I held my head high, determined
to do this. I had to. There was no other way.
Even as I thought about it, my heart sank deeper inside me. I felt a
hollowness grow within it, and even though it hadn't gone very far, a part
of me was a touch sad it was ending. But my mind was stubborn, and refused
to even listen to such things. I took a huge breath as I paused in front of
the door. I could see him working through the large picture window in the
front of the store, his head down as he ran his fingers through his messy
raven hair. I stared for a moment as the setting sun cast a light over his
desk, setting shadows over his body and face. The whole store illuminated
and I almost turned around and went home, unable to figure how I was going
to go through with this. But my mind screamed at the rest of me and with
shaking hands I opened the door. At the sound of the bell he looked up. I
kept my eyes down, glancing at his desk, the shelves, anywhere but his eyes.
My neck retracted after a second and I was forced to look him straight on. I
couldn't make out his facial expression, but I was almost positive it was a
mirror of my own. Confused, scared, sad. All in one package.
"Serena...." He said softly. I stood still, not able to respond. I
glanced back at the floor and I heard his footsteps as they got louder and
more demanding with each second. I was frightened that he might approach the
same way as the last night, but his steps stopped 2 feet in front of me. My
neck wretched up and I felt the tears well up in my eyes. "I'm so
sorry....." I shook my head and held my hand up. He waited patiently as I
began to explain.
"Darien...." I said, using his name for the first time aloud. Again, my
heart flipped inside my chest at the feeling of his name on my lips, and yet
ached, knowing it knew it would be the last time. "You know....I'm married."
I stated dumbly. He nodded silently, respecting the tension filled silence.
"I....It's just impossible for anything such as this to have even ventured
this far." I let myself go and looked him squarely in his eyes. My heart
wept then as he nodded, his eyes overwhelmingly pure and devoid of emotion.
"Or for it to go any farther."
He gave a simple nod in agreement and put his head downwards. I wasn't
sure what to say or what to do. I didn't feel right in leaving, but I was
unsure as to how long I should stay there. I looked around nervously,
wringing my hands as I did so. He eventually looked up, his face sincere,
almost pained.
"I'm sorry for all that took place." He laughed to himself and rubbed
the back of the neck. "I'm not an unintelligent man. I never actually
thought this could be carried out. I'm not sure what came over me, but....."
He struggled for the words. "I'm sorry, Serena. For everything." I shook my
head at the words and gave him a most sympathetic look.
"I should have known better myself. It wasn't entirely your fault." He
rubbed his chin gruffly and shook his head in reply.
"Maybe so, but I instigated it on my own." His eyes grew hurt and I
thought for just a moment he might cry. "And I caused you so much pain,
which, in truth, is the last thing I wanted to do." I felt incredibly guilty
and I impulsively placed my hand on his shoulder in comfort. An act which I
regretted, knowing it was a mistake from the beginning. I stepped a bit
closer and rubbed his arm soothingly. He gazed down at me with those wounded
eyes, and I wanted nothing more than to end that pain for him. I stared
deeply at him for a moment, my hand trailing down from his shoulder and
farther down his arm. I flickered at the intensity of that single act, both
reveling in it and loathing it. It was a spell and I couldn't break it, no
matter how hard I tried. Tried to look away, pull my arm away, it was no
use. My hand finally reached down to his wrist and his hand reached out
immediately, almost involuntarily, and grabbed mine. I whimpered in shock as
he pulled my hand and my body closer to him, the whole time his eyes never
leaving my own. For the second time in almost a day, he pulled my face to
meet his own, his hands now tenderly embracing my body. I hesitantly pulled
my own shaking limbs out from my sides and wrapped them loosely around his
neck. His lips reached mine and paused, just barely touching, but enough to
send a shock of electricity throughout my whole body.
It only took a second for it to get even more intense, as the kiss
deepened, and he leaned in towards my body, pulling me closer with each
second. I was no longer just entranced, but enthralled and responded
insistently, my arms tightening around him. We stayed in that single figure
for what seemed like an all too short moment, when we finally broke apart,
both gasping and staring as the locked joints loosened and our limbs grew
weak. I let my hands fall from his neck to his chest and I began to pick at
his linen shirt. His hands remained stationary around my waist, and I was
suddenly embarrassed beyond imaginable. I closed my eyes, completely
humiliated at the idea that I had accomplished the exact opposite of what I
had come here for. I heaved a deep sigh and stared in front of me.
He noticed my distress and tipped my chin up with his hand, a grave
expression on his face.
"Now I'm even more confused." I said quietly. I gave the slightest of
smiles and he remained constant.
"You decide what it is you need to do Serena." He said, brushing a
strand of hair gently away from my face. "You know how I feel, but you have
to make up your own mind on the matter." I nodded. I knew this was wrong,
and that I was breaking all moral codes by even continuing to see him, even
if nothing ever happened. But I couldn't leave. I never knew that I could
feel this good, this.....perfect. Everything felt complete and wonderful
when he was near, even before the past few days took place. He respected me,
and made up for all the neglect and abuse that Harlan seemed to have in
abundance. It felt so right, even though it was horribly, horribly wrong. I
couldn't leave. I simply couldn't. Not while their was a beat left in my
heart.
********
I returned back home, agreeing to return that same night, once the shop
was officially closed. My whole body felt as if it was on fire, and it was
all I could do to wait through the next few hours before I went back. I
decided immediately against telling the help where I would be, not knowing
whether I could trust them enough not to tell Selene, or Harlan even. So, as
we ate dinner and Selene made her usual curious tone to ask me what I did
all day, then proceed to interrupt me and reply as to what she did, minute
by minute.
I realized I had been gone most of the day, and decided that I would
put Selene to bed that night in order to make up for it. It didn't take
long, seeing as how her days were usually tiring, before she was fast
asleep. I dismissed the maids to their rooms, and told them that I would be
downstairs, and that I was not to be disturbed. They nodded in understanding
and went upstairs for the night. I waited a few moments for all the lights
to go out, and took a huge breath in. I couldn't believe what I was
preparing to do. My heart and stomach were both tied in knots, unable to
guess what might take place tonight, or how far I would be willing to take
it. I was more afraid of this than I had been of anything else in my life.
Scared of what I might do, or what I might feel. And yet, in the back of my
mind, I was intrigued and excited at the affair. I'd never fallen in love
with anyone before, and consequently didn't know what it felt like. But if
this wasn't it, what my mind, heart and soul were going through, I could
only imagine what the real thing felt like.
******************************
Enjoy? No? What do you think?
FEEEEEEEED BAAAAAAAAACK!
ropachan@cox.net
cielenvoye@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/sailorananke/
Aaaaangst.....teacher, mother, secret lover....
Hahahaha....little Simpsons humor there for you. Anywho, same general rules apply - it's old, so keep in mind I HAVE (hopefully) improved. Read "Rouge" and see if you can tellthe difference. Hope you enjoyed, and be aware that any comments are greatly appreciated!
ropachan@cox.net
cielenvoye@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/sailorananke/
*******************************
Love Through Time - A Serena and Darien Saga
Volume I, Chapter iii
By Sailor Europa (Ciel Envoye)
My breath was caught in my throat and after only a few seconds on
peace, my mind began whirling even more. My eyes darted over the words,
trying desperately to find an explanation, but grasping nothing from the
simple text. My breath came quick and the answers flew around in the walls
of my mind. The frustration was mounting and I felt like screaming at the
top of my lungs, had I been alone. I was so confused and not even sure why!
I bit my lip and took one solitary breath as I tried to calm my shattered
nerves. I wrung my hands as I set myself straight.
"All right Serena, just calm down." I said as I closed my eyes. It didn't work.
"What is wrong with you? Why are you so out of control?" I whimpered,
opening my eyes to the uncomprehending room. I wrinkled my eyebrows and
plunked my body onto the floor. I glanced back down at the open book and
read the words for the 10th time. My heart raced as my eyes crossed the page
and I was vauguely aware that my hands had begun to shake. I had to get out
of this house. I had to....
"To what?" I asked aloud, once more to the room. It offered nothing. I
picked up the book and slammed it shut. I looked back down at it, now
seeming to glare at me, test me. Then suddenly, I was on my feet and heading
towards the door. I was going to go completely insane if I didn't get some
answers, and for some reason, I was going to get them from him.
********
I headed down the dim street, the lanterns just recently lit. I had
never been out alone after dark, and had I not have been so preoccupied with
my own troubles, I might have been afraid. But I wandered instead down the
familiar path towards the book store. I knew he might not be there, but I
had no idea where he lived. I was taking a chance, especially since someone,
particularly one of Harlan's friends, could spot me on the street. I put
those thoughts out of my mind, and pushed onward. I was relieved to find the
light still burning from inside the store as I arrived a few hundred yards
away. I took a deep, calming breath before I pushed the door open, the bell
ringing loudly as the tension filled silence of the store was sliced in
half. Darien was seated, as usual, behind his desk and he looked up, a
sudden expression of shock upon his face. His confusion was unmasked as he
jumped up to greet me.
"Ms. Williams!" He struggled not to yell. My face was solemn as I
racked my whirling mind as to what I should say. "The shop is closed...." I
put my hand up and pulled the book from my side and shook it threateningly
at him.
"You wrote this! Why didn't....." My breath caught in my throat and I
paused. "Why didn't you tell me?" He gave me a half grin and closed the
records he had been working on. He thrust his chair backwards and stood up.
"I wasn't aware I had to." He walked slowly towards me, and I pushed
myself farther into the room. "Did you come all the way down here just to
ask me that?" I snapped my jaw shut, realizing how inane that sounded. I
had, hadn't I? Just to have him confirm what I already knew? My brain buzzed
loudly, and my eyes widened as they bore into the ground, utterly
humiliated. I wondered how ridiculous I must have looked but he gave me a
hearty chuckle, and a huge smile lit up his handsome face. I got flushed
with embarassment and covered my cheek with my hand, trying to hide the deep
crimson that had crept up to the surface. What had I been thinking? Running
into the night, just to ask him that? Was I insane?
"I.....I'm....." I stuttered, trying to redeem myself. My pulse
quickened and I closed my eyes mercifully, trying desperately to block out
the whole scene. He laughed again and walked closer.
"Don't worry, I guess I assumed you had seen it when you picked it up.
I didn't mean to fool you, I promise." He said as he paused a few feet from
myself. I took a deep breath and continued to look at the floor. What was
wrong with me? "I'm rather surprised Mr. Williams let you out this late, and
just to ask me this?" He gave me an amused grin and I continued to slip into
consciousness. I shook my head ever so slightly.
"He's away.....On business." I replied quietly. A question popped into
my head and I looked up suddenly, my eyes colliding with his own deep blue
ones. He had gotten even a few feet closer than just a few seconds ago and
my face grew so hot I thought it might go up in flames. I temporarily lost
track of my mind as my gaze became unable to look away. The tension
crackled, and my mind body grew uncomfortable, but I couldn't move; I was
paralyzed as I stared helplessly into his gaze. He wore a slight smile and I
felt my throat go dry as my mouth hung open. My mind screamed at me to
speak, run away, do something! But for seconds I couldn't even manage a
coherent thought. I eventually looked slightly downwards, somewhere around
his neck or chest area and cleared my throat nervously. I had to say
something. Break whatever hold this was on me.
"Why do you call me Ms. Williams?" I asked. It was involuntary, and I
almost regretted I even mentioned it then. I knew it was out of the blue,
but at the moment, it was all that seemed to be on my mind, and I was unable
to utter anything else. I waited patiently and silently for his answer,
contemplating his eventual response. I bit my bottom lip again, my eyes
trained right on his chest, which was now heaving in deep breaths. I stared
deeper and longer, and for a second, I was sure I saw his heart pound one
solid time against his ribs.
I felt one soft finger begin to trail against the frame of my jaw and
once more my face flamed up. I began to realize how intimate this moment had
become and upon this realization my heart's pace picked up considerably and
it was all I could do to keep from fainting. I was bolted in place, unable
to move, unable to even think straight. I sucked in one shallow breath as
his finger fell down to my chin and my face was tipped towards his in one
swift moment. Once more our eyes locked and the simple act stopped my
heart.
"I refuse to think of you being married." He uttered softly. The
suggestive nature of the comment should have been enough to send me flying,
never to return. But I remained planted and my breath caught once more. He
was inches from my face, and the room seemed to whirl. Why wasn't I running?
Why was I still here, when I knew I shouldn't be? As my mind whirled, my
eyes were stationary and proved to be staying.
In one short moment, he had dipped his head down, and had tenderly
touched his lips to mine. I muttered a tiny little murmmur of shock and then
nothing. My mind stopped. The world stopped. Everything ceased to exist. I
didn't pull away, but was too surprised to respond in any manner. I wasn't
aware of anything else, save how close he now was to me, and how hard my
heart was pounding, sending pulsating vibrations throughout my whole body.
My eyes voluntarily closed, just a second before my mind began to turn again
and I realized how incredibly wrong this moment was. It was all I could do
to pull my body a few inches away, a horrified expression on my face. What
had just happened? What had I _let_ happen? Oh God....
I shook my head, slightly at first, as my hand flew to my mouth. The
memory of the past few minutes flooded my conciousness and my head bobbed
more violently. I closed my eyes, unable to believe what had just taken
place. I wanted to cry right then, but couldn't. All I could muster was a
dry sob in the tone of a negative remark, before walking backwards, in the
direction of the door. After a few seconds I turned and fled, my mind not
even making sense at that point. I couldn't comprehend anything it was
shouting out and I could only stagger through the night, scared and so
completely confused.
What had I done? What in God's name just happened? Was my mind
completely gone? Why had I gone there in the first place? Too many
questions, only adding to the ones I already had, and none having any
answers. I gasped in quick breaths, and practically tripped over my own feet
as I ran all the way home.
I arrived, after what seemed like an eternity, to find a blissfully
empty house. All the help had retired to their rooms, and I was somewhat
relieved that I had to offer no explanation as to my whereabouts. I
struggled up the stairs to my own room, thankful once more to be alone, if
only for a few days. I dressed in my nightgown and quietly slipped into bed.
I knew sleep wouldn't grace me tonight, but I couldn't bear staying up alone
another minute. I willed my sobs to come, but my eyes stayed dry still. It
seemed cruel now, not allowing me to weep as I so needed to. I tried closing
my eyes, but each time I did, tonight's scene played over in my head, and
even at the memory my face flushed and my heart raced maniacally. I felt a
dry lump form in my throat early in that sleepless evening. What was
happening to me?
*******
I arose from bed early the next morning after a fitful night of
insomnia. I hoped it had all been just a nightmare, but my mind was still
stubborn to my pleas of forgetfulness. as I pulled my weary body out of bed.
I looked at the clock and found that it was 7 that morning, and began to
hear the telltale signs of breakfast being prepared down in the kitchen. I
dressed quickly and went to join them.
Sarah greeted me warmly and I did my best to muster an audible reply.
"Mrs. Ansel called upon you a moment ago." Sarah said in between trips
into the kitchen. I nodded numbly, not able to grasp anything that was being
said. "She has requested that you join her this afternoon at 1." My head
snapped up, and my brow creased inwardly. How could I go out today? My mind
and body were a wreck. But I knew I couldn't, or more appropriately, wouldn'
t lie to my best friend. So I reluctantly agreed and told them that I
planned on eating breakfast alone, and instructed them to serve me in the
garden out back.
I wandered outside a few seconds later and perched myself on the edge
of one of the wire rim chairs that sat beside the table. I found it
impossible to recline fully, my back taught with anxiety. I sighed deeply,
my mind still reaching no answers, and knew that it wouldn't until I could
manage to calm myself down. However that seemed to be too far fetched. How
was I suppose to give myself peace when I'm not sure what is going on inside
my own body?
I ate breakfast silently, alone in the garden as I had said. My mind
was unable to focus, and I was having trouble remembering things from one
moment to the next. My brain kept shooting back to last night, and my cheeks
would flare up unexpectedly. It was all I could do to close my eyes and wish
the feeling away, hoping I could just forget. But my mind was too quick, and
as soon as I would open my eyes, the scene would replay and I would get
flustered all over again. I finally gave up on my half eaten food and
sighed. Forgetting didn't seem to be the only impossiblity.
*******
"So William practically ran the rest of the way, not even bothering to
look back!" Patrice galled on, her light eyes gleaming in amusement. I
barely heard a word of the anecdote she had just finished retelling from a p
arty or a trip or what have you. I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't even
sure how long I had been there. I nodded, my head bobbing unevenly as she
sipped her tea. I stirred my cup absently, my eyes boring into the wall on
the far end of the room. She began another story, and I tried desperately to
listen, my guilt beginning to set in.
"I was in that book shop again today, and had a lovely talk with the
owner, Mr. Jacobson." I choked on the name, my mind perking up at the mere
mention. I fumbled clumsily and almost dropped the saucer in the process. My
hands shook violently as I tried to recompose myself and my tea cup. Patrice
eyed my hands suspiciously as she steadied my cup, and laid them down on the
table in front of us. I placed my hands nervously in my lap.
"Serena?" She began. "Serena, what's wrong?" I stared blankly at the
wall still, not wanting to look at her. "Serena, talk to me. Something
obviously has you upset."
"He kissed me." I blurted out. within a second I had clamped my hand
over my mouth, regretting what I had just let go. She was silent, and I was
sure I would have been able to hear a pin drop. She placed her own tea cup
on the table, and put her hand on my shoulder pulling me tensely to face
her.
"I beg your pardon?" She asked quietly, her eyes begging into my own
for an answer. I took in a ragged breath and backtracked my words.
"Last night, in his shop, he kissed me." She drew in a sharp breath and
shook her head tersely.
"And I thought he was such a nice chap..." My head snapped up and I
grew a touch irritable.
"He is, he really is!" I defended. Her face got shocked and once more I
blushed ferociously at my own words. "I mean...." I stopped, my will
collapsing all around me. "Oh Patrice.... I'm so confused!" I buried my face
in my hands, the tears finally beginning to fall. I wept for a few moments
as Patrice sympathetically rubbed my back, hushing me quietly.
"Serena, darling, what happened?" She asked as I eventually sniffed and
picked my head up, tears still refusing to stop. I pulled out a hankie and
rubbed at my eyes violently. I shook my head.
"I....I'm not sure. I don't remember much, just.....that." I blew my
nose and dabbed at my eyes, hiccuping in response. I stared down at my
dress, now slightly stained with tears, and she put a comforting arm around
my back.
"I don't understand this! He knows you're married, why would he do such
a thing?" I shook my head, but didn't mouth a word. She then met my eyes,
her gaze serious suddenly. "But Serena, I don't understand why you're so
confused. You're married! What else can you do?" My face wrinkled in
understanding and I began to cry again. A few rough sobs wracked my body and
she shushed me again, pulling my hunched body upright.
"I.... I know." I said, turning to face her. "But, I can't stop....
_thinking_ about it! I...I..." I stumbled for the words, but found it unable
to even explain it to myself. I gave an exasperated sigh.
"You liked it."
My neck snapped to attention. She had an expressionless face, and I
stared her straight in the eye. My mind stopped racing in a single moment,
stopped searching. My eyes drifted downward as my brow wrinkled. I had found
my answer.
I nodded in reply and she sighed. I looked up at her, and her face was
a mixture of pity and understanding. I heaved a relieved sigh, grateful that
she didn't hate me for my emotions.
"...Yes." I said aloud, my heart wrenching forward at the thought. It
was true. My mind had finally stopped looking for the answer, and I began to
loathe myself. A married woman, for Gods sake! "I'm sorry."
"Oh Serena, for what?" She replied, laughing despite the situation.
"You can't change your emotions, don't even try!" I looked up at her.
"Patrice, I'm married! I...I can't carry this out!" I exclaimed. "I
shouldn't have even let it come this far." She shook her head, a slight
smile on her face.
"I know that, and so do you. But you _have_ taken it this far." She sat
up straight. "It can only go one of two ways Serena. You have to decide
which way it will be." I nodded miserably at this resolution. I had already
made up my mind.
********
I returned home, resolved and feeling much more like myself. I was
going to return to the store today and set this matter straight. I hadn't
liked the thought of going back, but I knew the longer I put it off, the
harder it would be.
So I set out at 6 that night. It was beginning to get dark, and I knew that
not many people would be around, and I would be able to end it in peace. My
heart thudded violently as I approached, but I held my head high, determined
to do this. I had to. There was no other way.
Even as I thought about it, my heart sank deeper inside me. I felt a
hollowness grow within it, and even though it hadn't gone very far, a part
of me was a touch sad it was ending. But my mind was stubborn, and refused
to even listen to such things. I took a huge breath as I paused in front of
the door. I could see him working through the large picture window in the
front of the store, his head down as he ran his fingers through his messy
raven hair. I stared for a moment as the setting sun cast a light over his
desk, setting shadows over his body and face. The whole store illuminated
and I almost turned around and went home, unable to figure how I was going
to go through with this. But my mind screamed at the rest of me and with
shaking hands I opened the door. At the sound of the bell he looked up. I
kept my eyes down, glancing at his desk, the shelves, anywhere but his eyes.
My neck retracted after a second and I was forced to look him straight on. I
couldn't make out his facial expression, but I was almost positive it was a
mirror of my own. Confused, scared, sad. All in one package.
"Serena...." He said softly. I stood still, not able to respond. I
glanced back at the floor and I heard his footsteps as they got louder and
more demanding with each second. I was frightened that he might approach the
same way as the last night, but his steps stopped 2 feet in front of me. My
neck wretched up and I felt the tears well up in my eyes. "I'm so
sorry....." I shook my head and held my hand up. He waited patiently as I
began to explain.
"Darien...." I said, using his name for the first time aloud. Again, my
heart flipped inside my chest at the feeling of his name on my lips, and yet
ached, knowing it knew it would be the last time. "You know....I'm married."
I stated dumbly. He nodded silently, respecting the tension filled silence.
"I....It's just impossible for anything such as this to have even ventured
this far." I let myself go and looked him squarely in his eyes. My heart
wept then as he nodded, his eyes overwhelmingly pure and devoid of emotion.
"Or for it to go any farther."
He gave a simple nod in agreement and put his head downwards. I wasn't
sure what to say or what to do. I didn't feel right in leaving, but I was
unsure as to how long I should stay there. I looked around nervously,
wringing my hands as I did so. He eventually looked up, his face sincere,
almost pained.
"I'm sorry for all that took place." He laughed to himself and rubbed
the back of the neck. "I'm not an unintelligent man. I never actually
thought this could be carried out. I'm not sure what came over me, but....."
He struggled for the words. "I'm sorry, Serena. For everything." I shook my
head at the words and gave him a most sympathetic look.
"I should have known better myself. It wasn't entirely your fault." He
rubbed his chin gruffly and shook his head in reply.
"Maybe so, but I instigated it on my own." His eyes grew hurt and I
thought for just a moment he might cry. "And I caused you so much pain,
which, in truth, is the last thing I wanted to do." I felt incredibly guilty
and I impulsively placed my hand on his shoulder in comfort. An act which I
regretted, knowing it was a mistake from the beginning. I stepped a bit
closer and rubbed his arm soothingly. He gazed down at me with those wounded
eyes, and I wanted nothing more than to end that pain for him. I stared
deeply at him for a moment, my hand trailing down from his shoulder and
farther down his arm. I flickered at the intensity of that single act, both
reveling in it and loathing it. It was a spell and I couldn't break it, no
matter how hard I tried. Tried to look away, pull my arm away, it was no
use. My hand finally reached down to his wrist and his hand reached out
immediately, almost involuntarily, and grabbed mine. I whimpered in shock as
he pulled my hand and my body closer to him, the whole time his eyes never
leaving my own. For the second time in almost a day, he pulled my face to
meet his own, his hands now tenderly embracing my body. I hesitantly pulled
my own shaking limbs out from my sides and wrapped them loosely around his
neck. His lips reached mine and paused, just barely touching, but enough to
send a shock of electricity throughout my whole body.
It only took a second for it to get even more intense, as the kiss
deepened, and he leaned in towards my body, pulling me closer with each
second. I was no longer just entranced, but enthralled and responded
insistently, my arms tightening around him. We stayed in that single figure
for what seemed like an all too short moment, when we finally broke apart,
both gasping and staring as the locked joints loosened and our limbs grew
weak. I let my hands fall from his neck to his chest and I began to pick at
his linen shirt. His hands remained stationary around my waist, and I was
suddenly embarrassed beyond imaginable. I closed my eyes, completely
humiliated at the idea that I had accomplished the exact opposite of what I
had come here for. I heaved a deep sigh and stared in front of me.
He noticed my distress and tipped my chin up with his hand, a grave
expression on his face.
"Now I'm even more confused." I said quietly. I gave the slightest of
smiles and he remained constant.
"You decide what it is you need to do Serena." He said, brushing a
strand of hair gently away from my face. "You know how I feel, but you have
to make up your own mind on the matter." I nodded. I knew this was wrong,
and that I was breaking all moral codes by even continuing to see him, even
if nothing ever happened. But I couldn't leave. I never knew that I could
feel this good, this.....perfect. Everything felt complete and wonderful
when he was near, even before the past few days took place. He respected me,
and made up for all the neglect and abuse that Harlan seemed to have in
abundance. It felt so right, even though it was horribly, horribly wrong. I
couldn't leave. I simply couldn't. Not while their was a beat left in my
heart.
********
I returned back home, agreeing to return that same night, once the shop
was officially closed. My whole body felt as if it was on fire, and it was
all I could do to wait through the next few hours before I went back. I
decided immediately against telling the help where I would be, not knowing
whether I could trust them enough not to tell Selene, or Harlan even. So, as
we ate dinner and Selene made her usual curious tone to ask me what I did
all day, then proceed to interrupt me and reply as to what she did, minute
by minute.
I realized I had been gone most of the day, and decided that I would
put Selene to bed that night in order to make up for it. It didn't take
long, seeing as how her days were usually tiring, before she was fast
asleep. I dismissed the maids to their rooms, and told them that I would be
downstairs, and that I was not to be disturbed. They nodded in understanding
and went upstairs for the night. I waited a few moments for all the lights
to go out, and took a huge breath in. I couldn't believe what I was
preparing to do. My heart and stomach were both tied in knots, unable to
guess what might take place tonight, or how far I would be willing to take
it. I was more afraid of this than I had been of anything else in my life.
Scared of what I might do, or what I might feel. And yet, in the back of my
mind, I was intrigued and excited at the affair. I'd never fallen in love
with anyone before, and consequently didn't know what it felt like. But if
this wasn't it, what my mind, heart and soul were going through, I could
only imagine what the real thing felt like.
******************************
Enjoy? No? What do you think?
FEEEEEEEED BAAAAAAAAACK!
ropachan@cox.net
cielenvoye@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/sailorananke/