*************************
Love Through Time - A Serena and Darien Saga
Volume 1, Chapter 5
By Sailor Europa
I walked home on air, my feet not even touching the ground on the cool
Stratford street. I hardly noticed the people buzzing about me, my eyes all
aglow, my heart never ceasing it's perpetual pounding. My smile wore on as I
finally walked slowly up the front steps to my home, the thought of
returning to the practically loveless dwelling not bothering my blissful
demeanor. I calmed myself down as I slowly opened the door, careful not to
make too much noise, in order to keep Harlan from noticing. As soon as the
door gave a final creak and closed, I paused for a second, trying to hear if
anyone noticed the minuscule noises I had just made. Satisfied no one had, I
leaned against the door, my huge grin unafraid now to display itself in full
view. I closed my eyes, reliving just the past half hour, over and over.....
"Serena?" The second huge mistake I had made today, letting my mind
slip away from me. My eyes shot open and found Harlan standing at the bottom
of the stairs, night clothes still on, yet fully awake. His face was angry
and he crossed his arms questioningly as he stared me down. "Exactly where
were you?"
I froze in my steps. I hadn't an explanation for my whereabouts. I
assumed Harlan wouldn't awaken, and now realized that had been where I had
gone wrong.....
"I....I went to the Ansels'." Even my mind was surprised at the
swiftness of the reply my mouth had given. I tried hard to cover up my shock
at myself, and stared honestly back into his eyes. For a few minutes he just
glared, waiting for me to crumble, knowing fully well how nervous I could
be. He backed down a few minutes later, grumbling to himself as he trudged
back up to our room. The door slammed, and I let out a huge sigh of relief.
"My word....." I muttered, letting my body fall back onto the door. My
eyes opened wide and I tried to figure where I had come up with such a quick
retort. I shook my head, amazed at myself.
Then I realized another fatal error. The Ansel's were extremely good
friends of ours, and it would be easy for it to get back to Harlan that I
lied. I bit my lip anxiously, hoping I could somehow cover my tracks.
Patrice would lie for me. I was sure of it. I could explain the whole
sordid tale to her, and he wouldn't ever be the wiser. I sighed dejectedly,
knowing that using that plan would mean explaining my actions to Patrice,
who had been the one to advise against it in the first place. I groaned in
misery, knowing that was the only way to make my own fib go undetected.
I shook my head sadly, my very short ecstasy dying as soon as I walked
in the door. Was this really worth it? The paranoia of being found out,
always looking over my shoulder, covering my tracks? How much longer could I
hold out, before my mind completely left my body? I sighed, not knowing the
answers to any of my questions.
I took one shaky step away from the door, my head in my hands, trying
to clear my head. I began to make my way to the parlor, maybe even take a
nap myself, seeing as how much on edge I seemed to be today. I stopped
suddenly though, by a rustling sound coming from under the door I had just
stepped away from. Turning around suddenly, and gazing suspiciously at the
floor just beneath the front door, my eyes were caught on a small, white
envelope that had recently been slid under the crack of wood. I picked it
up, hoping to glimpse an address of some sort, but finding nothing.
I knew it couldn't be the usual mail, since it had been slipped
anonymously through the door. I didn't want to take the chance that it be
for Harlan, and open it, risking a possible tongue lashing. But my curiosity
got the better of me not long after, and I slit the top open, a small piece
of stationary floating carelessly to the floor. Bending down to pick it up,
it became very obvious that it had not been meant for Harlan. In slightly
jaunted handwriting, on a brown piece of paper, read -
"It has become painfully apparent to me how wrong I had been about life. It
is not just a series of random events that happen without warning, but a
carefully choreographed dance, and we are all but pawns to the dance,
bending and stretching to its' will, not knowing where we are to be next,
only able to hope that someday we can be in the spotlight. As we look on,
watching others become noticed, find all they needed in this dance known as
life, our hearts grow envious, wanting to be the one filled with such joy.
Again, we must wonder when our turn shall come, when it will be another's
turn to watch us with jealousy, wanting so much to have what we have. What I
never realized was that my time in the spotlight shall never come, that no
one shall feel envious of me, as I do of another. My joy has come from
backstage, where no one can see me, no one can watch my heart grow and
consume me. No one is the wiser when I am filled with love and passion, or
when my mind becomes so full of emotion that I must let it out. My time in
the sun is hidden, and yet so complete that I no longer wish to be another,
and am only thankful that I was the soul chosen to have such a gift enter my
life. It is true that no one will ever share my feelings with me, nor will
they ever begin to comprehend how content I am at this point. Nothing makes
me happier than knowing my time in the spotlight will never be seen, but is
existing all the same, with enough power to make me stop every second and
thank God that I was the one chosen to live this life, though he knows I don
't deserve one moment of the time I spend with her."
It wasn't signed, but it didn't need to be. I was intelligent enough to
know where it had come from. I closed my eyes and imagined his steady hand
flowing over the paper. I swallowed hard, a lump beginning to form in my
throat. A few unsteady tears blew from my eyes, and I smiled genuinely,
unable to register all the pain I had been experiencing only minutes ago.
Taking a shaky breath, wracked with emotion and feeling, I walked slowly
into the parlor. Sitting down in a chair, I read it over again and again,
each time only longing to read it more.
Finally laying my head back and closing my eyes blissfully, did my mind
rest peacefully for a moment. Drifting back to my previous doubts, I smiled
and glanced down at the letter I gripped so tightly in my hand.
He _was_ worth it.
*****
"Serena?" Patrice's high pitched, surprised squeal cut through the air,
as her maid led me into the sitting room. She gave me a puzzled look, but
motioned for me to sit nevertheless. Nervous and squeamish, I perched on the
edge of the cushion, both hands fidgeting anxiously. "Is there something the
matter?" I gave a shallow sigh and bit my lip as I tried to find the words
to begin what I had to say.
"Well, sort of. Not as of yet, but there _could_ be, and I've been
trying to figure out how to prevent that from happening and this seems to be
the only way to _do_ that...." I clamped my mouth shut, my own mind becoming
aware of my babbling. I had to get through this. I simply _had_ to. I half
wanted to pick up my nerve-wracked self and forget I even entertained the
idea of telling someone. But the thought of Harlan finding out, made me take
roots in the sofa until I made sure she wouldn't tell him. I heaved a huge
sigh and turned towards her once again, starting all over.
"Yes." I said simply and she gave me a strange yet amused look as she
nodded slowly, urging me on. "I have something to confess, and then I must
ask a favor."
"All right." She replied, still anxious for me to continue. I took a
deep breath, deciding I should simply get it out, and not hedge the issue.
"Last time we met here, we had a conversation." She laughed at my
edginess, and my brow creased even more at all the tension that seemed to be
building in me. She nodded, her hilarity dissipating. I sucked in another
breath and went on. "Well, I didn't quite follow through on my original
plans." She gave a curious look, as her eyes ran through mine. She eyed me
suspiciously, although I was positive she already knew.
"Serena.....Do you mean to say...that things didn't end with this
Darien fellow?" Her voice was incredulous and my guilt began to build inside
me. I nodded miserably, and for a few seconds, a frightening silence stood
between us. Too scared to look her in the eye after my confession, I kept my
head down, staring intently into my lap, my hands wringing themselves
furiously.
"Serena...." She said quietly, her voice ridden with pity. I gulped
nervously and slowly lifted my head up, too incredibly guilty to acknowledge
her with speech. She gave me a saddened smile and threw her arms around me.
"Oh Serena, I told you, it's your decision!" She pulled me away, keeping a
firm grip on my shoulders as she gave me strong gaze that I couldn't look
away from. "You have to decide what it is you feel is right, not me!" I
groaned openly, my head slopping down in agony at the mention of 'right'.
"I know Patrice.....I just...feel so guilty!" I wailed, my lip
quivering as I held back tears. She gave a short laugh and enveloped me in
another hug. She patted my back affectionately, finally pulling away again
to look me in the eye.
"Can I just ask you one thing, Serena?" I nodded, sniffling absently.
"Why did you change your mind?" I choked back a hiccup and whipped my nose
with my now present hankie.
"I went over to the shop that same night, with the very intention of
stopping what little had actually started." I began and she nodded in
agreement. I hesitated, not knowing how to finish the thought. She leaned
in, waiting for me to continue. "Well, the same thing happened again
that time....." I trailed off, not even bothering to finish it. She sighed,
a tiny little smile on her face.
"That still doesn't quite explain it...." She sighed, her voice getting
a little annoyed. I shook my head, knowing she was right.
"Patrice, I don't expect you to understand, but it's rather hard to
explain, and even if you _could_ understand...." I sighed, leaning back into
the sofa. "I don't have what you have in your home." I heaved a wishful grin
onto my face as I gestured around me. "You and William, have what I've
always wanted. The romance, the love, the respect." I rolled my eyes, my
smile disappearing. "God, how I wish I had the respect."
"I know how hard it's been for you, especially recently, but...." I put
my hand up, stopping her from saying what I already anticipated.
"Patrice, I have that now." I sighed ecstatically, a blissful smile
dancing across my lips as my memory drifted shortly back to only a few hours
ago. "God, in just a few short days, I've found all I've ever wanted, and
continue to find more each time I see him." I bit my lip, not only happy she
seemed to understand, if only slightly, but also that she accepted it too.
"Isn't it.....Risky?" She asked, keeping her distance for now on the
subject. I nodded slowly, my eyes getting nervous again. "Don't you find it
hard to handle? Harlan is already strict enough on you as it is, what if he
was to find out that you've been leaving the house while he's gone? Or even
worse, that you've been seeing this man, the very one he loathes!" She
exclaimed incredulously. I nodded in total agreement, but smiled, my
feelings from this afternoon still instilled inside me.
"All the risk, the stress it causes, the paranoia...." I listed off the
things I had suffered from the past few days, my eyes hardening at the
mention of each one. "He makes it all worth it." I pulled out my hand bag
just then, where I had stored the letter I had received for safe keeping. I
retrieved it then and handed it over to her waiting hands. She gave me an
excited look as she unsheathed the paper from the envelope. "He writes in
his spare time." I explained. I watched her wide eyes dart across the page
at each line, a small look of elation gradually spreading across her face.
"Oh God...." She muttered as she read the last line, folding it up and
laying it on the table. Her grin was widespread now and she threw her arms
around me for the third time that afternoon, her voice bubbling over in
happiness. I laughed in response as I wrapped my own arms around her.
She pulled away and gave me a stern look as she gripped both sides of
my face.
"I _am_ happy for you, Serena." She said and sighed, loosening her
fingers from my cheeks. "But promise me you'll be cautious throughout this
whole ordeal? Please?" I nodded fiercely, already given myself that oath
when I had decided to go through with it. She sat back, and crossed her
hands in her lap, a serious look on her face.
"Now, what is that favor you needed?"
******
After getting Patrice's solemn vow that she would not breath a word to
William, I left, knowing Harlan would have probably arisen hours ago. I had
already told him that I had to return, in order to give something to
Patrice, and that I might stay and have tea, and possibly be home late. He
agreed, thinking I was in capable hands.
I walked up the steps, agonizing over having to be in the same room
with him. As I entered, I stepped cautiously into the living room, my ears
hoping to catch any inkling of where Harlan could be. I walked further into
the house, eyes scanning every inch of the interior, only to find more
emptiness.
"Ms. Williams?" I almost jumped out of my skin as Sarah crept quietly
behind me. I whirled around, my breath coming shortly. She gave me an
apologetic look and I smiled. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." I
shook my head.
"I just wasn't expecting you, it's quite all right." She smiled.
"Mr. Williams has said that he will be spending the dinner hour at his
club, and that you should eat and retire to bed without him tonight." My
ears perked up at that, the day beginning to look up suddenly.
"Did he say when he would return? Exactly?" I asked, trying to hold my
excitement in. She nodded.
"Yes, he said he expected to stay until at least 2 or three in the
morning." I nodded in response, dismissing Sarah back into the kitchen. A
delighted grin crept onto my face and I felt incredibly happy, especially
after all the disappointments I suffered today. Maybe tonight would not be
completely wasted......
******
"Mommy? I looked up, giving my tiny little daughter a smile.
"Yes, honey?" I asked. She gave me a scrunched up face and frowned.
"Why isn't Daddy eating with us? Didn't he just get home?" I sighed and
nodded, wishing for once that Harlan could have waited until after supper
before he left for the club.
"Your father needed a little time for himself tonight. He worked very
hard while he was gone." I replied, only to cause an even more unsatisfied
look on the round little face. I sighed, knowing nothing I said could
possibly make her happy. Of course, Harlan would come home with a trinket
for her, and all would be well again. I wondered what he was going to do
when she was too old to be bought....
Things got quiet soon after, and dinner passed uneventfully. Selene
cleaned her plate quickly, and it wasn't long before I had tucked my
daughter into her bed.
I sat around, trying to be completely calm and peaceful as I waited for
Sarah to finish cleaning the kitchen and retire. I poured myself some tea,
in order to keep myself awake, and tried to steady my already shaking arms
so as not to look conspicuous. My mind whirled excitedly, my heart speeding
up excessively each time I dared to think about the unexpected change of
events. I bit my lip fearfully, still slightly paranoid that Harlan could
come home early, although after sleeping the day away, I couldn't possibly
see how he could be tired anytime soon.
Eventually, Sarah turned herself in and left to her bedroom. I waited
for a few more minutes, peering cautiously at her door from the bottom of
the steps, waiting for the light to go off inside. After a few minutes of
holding my breath in silence, the light went out, and I let my grin spread.
I felt my cheeks flush, my heart racing as I grabbed my bag and paused in
front of the mirror by the door. Completely satisfied, I slipped out the
door, and onto the dead English streets ahead.
*****
I wasn't quite sure where he would be, or if he would even still be
awake at this hour, seeing as how he wasn't expecting me tonight. I gnawed
on my lip nervously as I crept almost silently around the shop, peering into
each window I could, trying to catch even a glimpse of him. I even tried the
door, only to find it locked. I stamped my foot, utterly frustrated and
disappointed at the second turn of events tonight. I sighed, almost giving
up when I glanced up into the darkened shop and watched the door behind his
desk open suddenly, Darien emerging from behind it, carrying a few books and
papers down from his room and setting them on his desk. My heart leapt and I
felt my smile rise again, and I gently rapped on the window pane, hoping it
was loud enough for him to hear, yet not enough to arouse suspicion. A
second later he looked up and squinted, his eyes searching the window where
I was standing. A look of realization crossed his face and his eyes widened
in shock, then elation. My own expression mirrored his own and I wrapped my
arms around myself in anticipation and fear. These plans had come so
spontaneously I hadn't had time to double check them in my mind, and a chill
raced down my spine at the daring tone I had taken.
In a flash, he had abandoned his books and swiftly trotted towards the
door, whipping out the key from his pocket. I grinned widely as he looked up
each second, smiling as his eyes searched my own. After a few unsuccessful
fumbles, his hands shaking, his shock apparent to us both, the door flung
open, the comfortable bell cutting the silence as he ushered me inside, away
from the cold. He quickly re-locked the door, turning to my now flushed,
pink face.
"What happened?" He asked, his massive hands dwarfing my forearms as he
latched onto them, rubbing them briskly. I smiled brightly, my own
contentment obvious.
"Harlan is planning to spend most of the night at his men's club." I
answered simply, anxious to strike Harlan from the conversation. Satisfied
at this, he pulled his hands to my face, brushing my disheveled hair, now in
disarray from the cold wind, gently from my face, sweeping it all to one
side. I closed my eyes, my heart beat melting into a continuous thump as his
warm fingers brushed my frozen face, each inch seeming to tingle with
shocking electricity, my whole face soon on fire. A playful smile growing on
my face, I slipped my hands up to his chest, picking at an imaginary
imperfection on his shirt. My heart and soon my soul grew anxious as he
stood there, hands still causing my face to flame. I waited, almost
impatiently, for his comfortable hold to envelope me, for his muscular arms
to wrap around me. My mind grew into a huff and I almost exhaled madly, as
my hearts' pace rapidly increased at a maddening rate. My mind began to shut
down, and I began to feel my palms get moist, knowing that I wasn't going to
be able to wait much longer for him. I had to put my emotions on hold at the
moment, and they weren't liking it one bit....
"We shouldn't be near the window...." He bent down, his lips less than
an inch from my ear. The warmth of his breath shot sparks through my whole
being, and I felt my heart thump expectantly. With one fluid movement, he
had slid his arm around my waist and pulled me through the throngs of
bookshelves, not to the stairs, but farther into the intricate maze of wood,
until we ended up in a dead end, an enormously tall shelf hiding one end, a
wall and corner shielding the other. This afternoons scene played out in my
head and I let my hand drift up, onto his forearm as he pulled me forward,
his body completely against my own. Confused by my own feelings at this
point, and consumed by the passion that had been growing since I first felt
his lips against mine, I didn't wait for his head to yield to my own, but
slipped my arms around his neck, my hands holding his face gently. I let my
forefingers make slow, soft circles against his cheek, enjoying the
sensation of my hands exploring such unknown territory. His face grew
serious, his eyes blazing as they bore into my own. My mind had somehow
changed, and as his head began to dip towards me, I instinctively and
involuntarily stood on my toes and leaned into him, my lips hitting his with
a force I had never known.
Afraid and excited by my own passion, I felt myself enter him, my soul
join his own, both our ambitions at that moment exactly the same. I palmed
his chest, wanting nothing more than to pull him closer and closer, until he
was inside me, until he _was_ me. I allowed the kiss to deepen, actually
pulling it in deeper, and farther than I had ever allowed before. I teased
it, urged it, and wanted it. I was no longer just being kissed, or embraced,
but embracing and kissing him myself. The fever rose inside me and it was
completely new to my senses, scary, exciting, enticing and almost
vulnerable. I opened up right then and knew I had nothing left to hide from
him, knowing I would do anything to keep him feeling this way, keep him here
next to me. Where he belonged.
My endurance ended and in one breathless motion, he pulled away,
smiling tiredly as he began to stroke my back affectionately, and I leaned
my head against his heaving chest. He kissed my head gently and I almost
laughed, at myself, at him, at the situation. It was so ridiculously
impossible that I couldn't help but want more.
"God Serena....." He whispered, his head down as he got each word out
in one breathless motion. He still gasped for air, and I looked up finally,
smiling into his eyes. "I can't believe all of this...." I nodded, still
smiling at myself. He suddenly gripped my face firmly in his hands. "Serena,
do you realize how much I love you? How much I need you?" He asked
seriously, his eyes boring into my own. I wrestled my face away from him and
buried my face in his chest, mumbling an affirmative.
"Not nearly as much as I do you...." I muttered teasingly, nuzzling him
with my nose. He gave me a smirk, pulling away and crossing his arms.
"Is that so?" He asked matter-of-factly. I threw my hands on my hips
and laughed along, nodding as I raised an eyebrow.
"As a matter of fact, it is." I said, poking him in the ribs. He
chuckled, crippling for a second at the motion. He pulled me close, not
kissing me, but just resting his chin on my head, forcing me to lean against
his stable chest, listening to his steady breathing.
"God, how did I survive without you?" He asked quietly. I wasn't sure
who he was addressing the question to, and I smiled sadly at the depressed
tone in his voice. I impulsively wrapped my arms around his massive waist
and hugged him fiercely, closing my eyes as I did so. I heard his breathing
deepen and he pulled my body closer, still not budging from the position we
were in. I didn't care this time, my mind and body not only breathless from
our last encounter, but happy just to be near him. I sighed in contentment,
readjusting my arms to grip him better. I let my mind wander to uncharted
territories in that comfortable silence, wondering what it would be like to
live with him, to be able to show my affection for him in the open, instead
of just when we were perfectly alone. I sighed, partially out of sadness,
but some out of settlement, knowing that it could never be that way. I would
play the part of Mrs. Williams during the day, but become my own person at
night, only when I was with him. I felt depressed at that, but it seemed
less when I reminded myself that I was at least getting this feeling, if
only for a short while. I was complete, and should it all end tomorrow, I
wouldn't need another thing but my memories, to remind me that I once was
that whole. As we rocked back and forth I smiled to myself, a private,
knowing smile. He'd never know exactly how much I loved him, but I could
promise him, this feeling wasn't going away. It was here to stay.
*******************************
*sings* Yoooooou make me wanna be…so beautiful…
:)
No reason for inserting that; just what I happen to be listening to right now.
DL Sarah Sadler, "Beautiful". ^.~ Hope you enjoyed!
ropachan@cox.net
cielenvoye@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/sailorananke/
Love Through Time - A Serena and Darien Saga
Volume 1, Chapter 5
By Sailor Europa
I walked home on air, my feet not even touching the ground on the cool
Stratford street. I hardly noticed the people buzzing about me, my eyes all
aglow, my heart never ceasing it's perpetual pounding. My smile wore on as I
finally walked slowly up the front steps to my home, the thought of
returning to the practically loveless dwelling not bothering my blissful
demeanor. I calmed myself down as I slowly opened the door, careful not to
make too much noise, in order to keep Harlan from noticing. As soon as the
door gave a final creak and closed, I paused for a second, trying to hear if
anyone noticed the minuscule noises I had just made. Satisfied no one had, I
leaned against the door, my huge grin unafraid now to display itself in full
view. I closed my eyes, reliving just the past half hour, over and over.....
"Serena?" The second huge mistake I had made today, letting my mind
slip away from me. My eyes shot open and found Harlan standing at the bottom
of the stairs, night clothes still on, yet fully awake. His face was angry
and he crossed his arms questioningly as he stared me down. "Exactly where
were you?"
I froze in my steps. I hadn't an explanation for my whereabouts. I
assumed Harlan wouldn't awaken, and now realized that had been where I had
gone wrong.....
"I....I went to the Ansels'." Even my mind was surprised at the
swiftness of the reply my mouth had given. I tried hard to cover up my shock
at myself, and stared honestly back into his eyes. For a few minutes he just
glared, waiting for me to crumble, knowing fully well how nervous I could
be. He backed down a few minutes later, grumbling to himself as he trudged
back up to our room. The door slammed, and I let out a huge sigh of relief.
"My word....." I muttered, letting my body fall back onto the door. My
eyes opened wide and I tried to figure where I had come up with such a quick
retort. I shook my head, amazed at myself.
Then I realized another fatal error. The Ansel's were extremely good
friends of ours, and it would be easy for it to get back to Harlan that I
lied. I bit my lip anxiously, hoping I could somehow cover my tracks.
Patrice would lie for me. I was sure of it. I could explain the whole
sordid tale to her, and he wouldn't ever be the wiser. I sighed dejectedly,
knowing that using that plan would mean explaining my actions to Patrice,
who had been the one to advise against it in the first place. I groaned in
misery, knowing that was the only way to make my own fib go undetected.
I shook my head sadly, my very short ecstasy dying as soon as I walked
in the door. Was this really worth it? The paranoia of being found out,
always looking over my shoulder, covering my tracks? How much longer could I
hold out, before my mind completely left my body? I sighed, not knowing the
answers to any of my questions.
I took one shaky step away from the door, my head in my hands, trying
to clear my head. I began to make my way to the parlor, maybe even take a
nap myself, seeing as how much on edge I seemed to be today. I stopped
suddenly though, by a rustling sound coming from under the door I had just
stepped away from. Turning around suddenly, and gazing suspiciously at the
floor just beneath the front door, my eyes were caught on a small, white
envelope that had recently been slid under the crack of wood. I picked it
up, hoping to glimpse an address of some sort, but finding nothing.
I knew it couldn't be the usual mail, since it had been slipped
anonymously through the door. I didn't want to take the chance that it be
for Harlan, and open it, risking a possible tongue lashing. But my curiosity
got the better of me not long after, and I slit the top open, a small piece
of stationary floating carelessly to the floor. Bending down to pick it up,
it became very obvious that it had not been meant for Harlan. In slightly
jaunted handwriting, on a brown piece of paper, read -
"It has become painfully apparent to me how wrong I had been about life. It
is not just a series of random events that happen without warning, but a
carefully choreographed dance, and we are all but pawns to the dance,
bending and stretching to its' will, not knowing where we are to be next,
only able to hope that someday we can be in the spotlight. As we look on,
watching others become noticed, find all they needed in this dance known as
life, our hearts grow envious, wanting to be the one filled with such joy.
Again, we must wonder when our turn shall come, when it will be another's
turn to watch us with jealousy, wanting so much to have what we have. What I
never realized was that my time in the spotlight shall never come, that no
one shall feel envious of me, as I do of another. My joy has come from
backstage, where no one can see me, no one can watch my heart grow and
consume me. No one is the wiser when I am filled with love and passion, or
when my mind becomes so full of emotion that I must let it out. My time in
the sun is hidden, and yet so complete that I no longer wish to be another,
and am only thankful that I was the soul chosen to have such a gift enter my
life. It is true that no one will ever share my feelings with me, nor will
they ever begin to comprehend how content I am at this point. Nothing makes
me happier than knowing my time in the spotlight will never be seen, but is
existing all the same, with enough power to make me stop every second and
thank God that I was the one chosen to live this life, though he knows I don
't deserve one moment of the time I spend with her."
It wasn't signed, but it didn't need to be. I was intelligent enough to
know where it had come from. I closed my eyes and imagined his steady hand
flowing over the paper. I swallowed hard, a lump beginning to form in my
throat. A few unsteady tears blew from my eyes, and I smiled genuinely,
unable to register all the pain I had been experiencing only minutes ago.
Taking a shaky breath, wracked with emotion and feeling, I walked slowly
into the parlor. Sitting down in a chair, I read it over again and again,
each time only longing to read it more.
Finally laying my head back and closing my eyes blissfully, did my mind
rest peacefully for a moment. Drifting back to my previous doubts, I smiled
and glanced down at the letter I gripped so tightly in my hand.
He _was_ worth it.
*****
"Serena?" Patrice's high pitched, surprised squeal cut through the air,
as her maid led me into the sitting room. She gave me a puzzled look, but
motioned for me to sit nevertheless. Nervous and squeamish, I perched on the
edge of the cushion, both hands fidgeting anxiously. "Is there something the
matter?" I gave a shallow sigh and bit my lip as I tried to find the words
to begin what I had to say.
"Well, sort of. Not as of yet, but there _could_ be, and I've been
trying to figure out how to prevent that from happening and this seems to be
the only way to _do_ that...." I clamped my mouth shut, my own mind becoming
aware of my babbling. I had to get through this. I simply _had_ to. I half
wanted to pick up my nerve-wracked self and forget I even entertained the
idea of telling someone. But the thought of Harlan finding out, made me take
roots in the sofa until I made sure she wouldn't tell him. I heaved a huge
sigh and turned towards her once again, starting all over.
"Yes." I said simply and she gave me a strange yet amused look as she
nodded slowly, urging me on. "I have something to confess, and then I must
ask a favor."
"All right." She replied, still anxious for me to continue. I took a
deep breath, deciding I should simply get it out, and not hedge the issue.
"Last time we met here, we had a conversation." She laughed at my
edginess, and my brow creased even more at all the tension that seemed to be
building in me. She nodded, her hilarity dissipating. I sucked in another
breath and went on. "Well, I didn't quite follow through on my original
plans." She gave a curious look, as her eyes ran through mine. She eyed me
suspiciously, although I was positive she already knew.
"Serena.....Do you mean to say...that things didn't end with this
Darien fellow?" Her voice was incredulous and my guilt began to build inside
me. I nodded miserably, and for a few seconds, a frightening silence stood
between us. Too scared to look her in the eye after my confession, I kept my
head down, staring intently into my lap, my hands wringing themselves
furiously.
"Serena...." She said quietly, her voice ridden with pity. I gulped
nervously and slowly lifted my head up, too incredibly guilty to acknowledge
her with speech. She gave me a saddened smile and threw her arms around me.
"Oh Serena, I told you, it's your decision!" She pulled me away, keeping a
firm grip on my shoulders as she gave me strong gaze that I couldn't look
away from. "You have to decide what it is you feel is right, not me!" I
groaned openly, my head slopping down in agony at the mention of 'right'.
"I know Patrice.....I just...feel so guilty!" I wailed, my lip
quivering as I held back tears. She gave a short laugh and enveloped me in
another hug. She patted my back affectionately, finally pulling away again
to look me in the eye.
"Can I just ask you one thing, Serena?" I nodded, sniffling absently.
"Why did you change your mind?" I choked back a hiccup and whipped my nose
with my now present hankie.
"I went over to the shop that same night, with the very intention of
stopping what little had actually started." I began and she nodded in
agreement. I hesitated, not knowing how to finish the thought. She leaned
in, waiting for me to continue. "Well, the same thing happened again
that time....." I trailed off, not even bothering to finish it. She sighed,
a tiny little smile on her face.
"That still doesn't quite explain it...." She sighed, her voice getting
a little annoyed. I shook my head, knowing she was right.
"Patrice, I don't expect you to understand, but it's rather hard to
explain, and even if you _could_ understand...." I sighed, leaning back into
the sofa. "I don't have what you have in your home." I heaved a wishful grin
onto my face as I gestured around me. "You and William, have what I've
always wanted. The romance, the love, the respect." I rolled my eyes, my
smile disappearing. "God, how I wish I had the respect."
"I know how hard it's been for you, especially recently, but...." I put
my hand up, stopping her from saying what I already anticipated.
"Patrice, I have that now." I sighed ecstatically, a blissful smile
dancing across my lips as my memory drifted shortly back to only a few hours
ago. "God, in just a few short days, I've found all I've ever wanted, and
continue to find more each time I see him." I bit my lip, not only happy she
seemed to understand, if only slightly, but also that she accepted it too.
"Isn't it.....Risky?" She asked, keeping her distance for now on the
subject. I nodded slowly, my eyes getting nervous again. "Don't you find it
hard to handle? Harlan is already strict enough on you as it is, what if he
was to find out that you've been leaving the house while he's gone? Or even
worse, that you've been seeing this man, the very one he loathes!" She
exclaimed incredulously. I nodded in total agreement, but smiled, my
feelings from this afternoon still instilled inside me.
"All the risk, the stress it causes, the paranoia...." I listed off the
things I had suffered from the past few days, my eyes hardening at the
mention of each one. "He makes it all worth it." I pulled out my hand bag
just then, where I had stored the letter I had received for safe keeping. I
retrieved it then and handed it over to her waiting hands. She gave me an
excited look as she unsheathed the paper from the envelope. "He writes in
his spare time." I explained. I watched her wide eyes dart across the page
at each line, a small look of elation gradually spreading across her face.
"Oh God...." She muttered as she read the last line, folding it up and
laying it on the table. Her grin was widespread now and she threw her arms
around me for the third time that afternoon, her voice bubbling over in
happiness. I laughed in response as I wrapped my own arms around her.
She pulled away and gave me a stern look as she gripped both sides of
my face.
"I _am_ happy for you, Serena." She said and sighed, loosening her
fingers from my cheeks. "But promise me you'll be cautious throughout this
whole ordeal? Please?" I nodded fiercely, already given myself that oath
when I had decided to go through with it. She sat back, and crossed her
hands in her lap, a serious look on her face.
"Now, what is that favor you needed?"
******
After getting Patrice's solemn vow that she would not breath a word to
William, I left, knowing Harlan would have probably arisen hours ago. I had
already told him that I had to return, in order to give something to
Patrice, and that I might stay and have tea, and possibly be home late. He
agreed, thinking I was in capable hands.
I walked up the steps, agonizing over having to be in the same room
with him. As I entered, I stepped cautiously into the living room, my ears
hoping to catch any inkling of where Harlan could be. I walked further into
the house, eyes scanning every inch of the interior, only to find more
emptiness.
"Ms. Williams?" I almost jumped out of my skin as Sarah crept quietly
behind me. I whirled around, my breath coming shortly. She gave me an
apologetic look and I smiled. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." I
shook my head.
"I just wasn't expecting you, it's quite all right." She smiled.
"Mr. Williams has said that he will be spending the dinner hour at his
club, and that you should eat and retire to bed without him tonight." My
ears perked up at that, the day beginning to look up suddenly.
"Did he say when he would return? Exactly?" I asked, trying to hold my
excitement in. She nodded.
"Yes, he said he expected to stay until at least 2 or three in the
morning." I nodded in response, dismissing Sarah back into the kitchen. A
delighted grin crept onto my face and I felt incredibly happy, especially
after all the disappointments I suffered today. Maybe tonight would not be
completely wasted......
******
"Mommy? I looked up, giving my tiny little daughter a smile.
"Yes, honey?" I asked. She gave me a scrunched up face and frowned.
"Why isn't Daddy eating with us? Didn't he just get home?" I sighed and
nodded, wishing for once that Harlan could have waited until after supper
before he left for the club.
"Your father needed a little time for himself tonight. He worked very
hard while he was gone." I replied, only to cause an even more unsatisfied
look on the round little face. I sighed, knowing nothing I said could
possibly make her happy. Of course, Harlan would come home with a trinket
for her, and all would be well again. I wondered what he was going to do
when she was too old to be bought....
Things got quiet soon after, and dinner passed uneventfully. Selene
cleaned her plate quickly, and it wasn't long before I had tucked my
daughter into her bed.
I sat around, trying to be completely calm and peaceful as I waited for
Sarah to finish cleaning the kitchen and retire. I poured myself some tea,
in order to keep myself awake, and tried to steady my already shaking arms
so as not to look conspicuous. My mind whirled excitedly, my heart speeding
up excessively each time I dared to think about the unexpected change of
events. I bit my lip fearfully, still slightly paranoid that Harlan could
come home early, although after sleeping the day away, I couldn't possibly
see how he could be tired anytime soon.
Eventually, Sarah turned herself in and left to her bedroom. I waited
for a few more minutes, peering cautiously at her door from the bottom of
the steps, waiting for the light to go off inside. After a few minutes of
holding my breath in silence, the light went out, and I let my grin spread.
I felt my cheeks flush, my heart racing as I grabbed my bag and paused in
front of the mirror by the door. Completely satisfied, I slipped out the
door, and onto the dead English streets ahead.
*****
I wasn't quite sure where he would be, or if he would even still be
awake at this hour, seeing as how he wasn't expecting me tonight. I gnawed
on my lip nervously as I crept almost silently around the shop, peering into
each window I could, trying to catch even a glimpse of him. I even tried the
door, only to find it locked. I stamped my foot, utterly frustrated and
disappointed at the second turn of events tonight. I sighed, almost giving
up when I glanced up into the darkened shop and watched the door behind his
desk open suddenly, Darien emerging from behind it, carrying a few books and
papers down from his room and setting them on his desk. My heart leapt and I
felt my smile rise again, and I gently rapped on the window pane, hoping it
was loud enough for him to hear, yet not enough to arouse suspicion. A
second later he looked up and squinted, his eyes searching the window where
I was standing. A look of realization crossed his face and his eyes widened
in shock, then elation. My own expression mirrored his own and I wrapped my
arms around myself in anticipation and fear. These plans had come so
spontaneously I hadn't had time to double check them in my mind, and a chill
raced down my spine at the daring tone I had taken.
In a flash, he had abandoned his books and swiftly trotted towards the
door, whipping out the key from his pocket. I grinned widely as he looked up
each second, smiling as his eyes searched my own. After a few unsuccessful
fumbles, his hands shaking, his shock apparent to us both, the door flung
open, the comfortable bell cutting the silence as he ushered me inside, away
from the cold. He quickly re-locked the door, turning to my now flushed,
pink face.
"What happened?" He asked, his massive hands dwarfing my forearms as he
latched onto them, rubbing them briskly. I smiled brightly, my own
contentment obvious.
"Harlan is planning to spend most of the night at his men's club." I
answered simply, anxious to strike Harlan from the conversation. Satisfied
at this, he pulled his hands to my face, brushing my disheveled hair, now in
disarray from the cold wind, gently from my face, sweeping it all to one
side. I closed my eyes, my heart beat melting into a continuous thump as his
warm fingers brushed my frozen face, each inch seeming to tingle with
shocking electricity, my whole face soon on fire. A playful smile growing on
my face, I slipped my hands up to his chest, picking at an imaginary
imperfection on his shirt. My heart and soon my soul grew anxious as he
stood there, hands still causing my face to flame. I waited, almost
impatiently, for his comfortable hold to envelope me, for his muscular arms
to wrap around me. My mind grew into a huff and I almost exhaled madly, as
my hearts' pace rapidly increased at a maddening rate. My mind began to shut
down, and I began to feel my palms get moist, knowing that I wasn't going to
be able to wait much longer for him. I had to put my emotions on hold at the
moment, and they weren't liking it one bit....
"We shouldn't be near the window...." He bent down, his lips less than
an inch from my ear. The warmth of his breath shot sparks through my whole
being, and I felt my heart thump expectantly. With one fluid movement, he
had slid his arm around my waist and pulled me through the throngs of
bookshelves, not to the stairs, but farther into the intricate maze of wood,
until we ended up in a dead end, an enormously tall shelf hiding one end, a
wall and corner shielding the other. This afternoons scene played out in my
head and I let my hand drift up, onto his forearm as he pulled me forward,
his body completely against my own. Confused by my own feelings at this
point, and consumed by the passion that had been growing since I first felt
his lips against mine, I didn't wait for his head to yield to my own, but
slipped my arms around his neck, my hands holding his face gently. I let my
forefingers make slow, soft circles against his cheek, enjoying the
sensation of my hands exploring such unknown territory. His face grew
serious, his eyes blazing as they bore into my own. My mind had somehow
changed, and as his head began to dip towards me, I instinctively and
involuntarily stood on my toes and leaned into him, my lips hitting his with
a force I had never known.
Afraid and excited by my own passion, I felt myself enter him, my soul
join his own, both our ambitions at that moment exactly the same. I palmed
his chest, wanting nothing more than to pull him closer and closer, until he
was inside me, until he _was_ me. I allowed the kiss to deepen, actually
pulling it in deeper, and farther than I had ever allowed before. I teased
it, urged it, and wanted it. I was no longer just being kissed, or embraced,
but embracing and kissing him myself. The fever rose inside me and it was
completely new to my senses, scary, exciting, enticing and almost
vulnerable. I opened up right then and knew I had nothing left to hide from
him, knowing I would do anything to keep him feeling this way, keep him here
next to me. Where he belonged.
My endurance ended and in one breathless motion, he pulled away,
smiling tiredly as he began to stroke my back affectionately, and I leaned
my head against his heaving chest. He kissed my head gently and I almost
laughed, at myself, at him, at the situation. It was so ridiculously
impossible that I couldn't help but want more.
"God Serena....." He whispered, his head down as he got each word out
in one breathless motion. He still gasped for air, and I looked up finally,
smiling into his eyes. "I can't believe all of this...." I nodded, still
smiling at myself. He suddenly gripped my face firmly in his hands. "Serena,
do you realize how much I love you? How much I need you?" He asked
seriously, his eyes boring into my own. I wrestled my face away from him and
buried my face in his chest, mumbling an affirmative.
"Not nearly as much as I do you...." I muttered teasingly, nuzzling him
with my nose. He gave me a smirk, pulling away and crossing his arms.
"Is that so?" He asked matter-of-factly. I threw my hands on my hips
and laughed along, nodding as I raised an eyebrow.
"As a matter of fact, it is." I said, poking him in the ribs. He
chuckled, crippling for a second at the motion. He pulled me close, not
kissing me, but just resting his chin on my head, forcing me to lean against
his stable chest, listening to his steady breathing.
"God, how did I survive without you?" He asked quietly. I wasn't sure
who he was addressing the question to, and I smiled sadly at the depressed
tone in his voice. I impulsively wrapped my arms around his massive waist
and hugged him fiercely, closing my eyes as I did so. I heard his breathing
deepen and he pulled my body closer, still not budging from the position we
were in. I didn't care this time, my mind and body not only breathless from
our last encounter, but happy just to be near him. I sighed in contentment,
readjusting my arms to grip him better. I let my mind wander to uncharted
territories in that comfortable silence, wondering what it would be like to
live with him, to be able to show my affection for him in the open, instead
of just when we were perfectly alone. I sighed, partially out of sadness,
but some out of settlement, knowing that it could never be that way. I would
play the part of Mrs. Williams during the day, but become my own person at
night, only when I was with him. I felt depressed at that, but it seemed
less when I reminded myself that I was at least getting this feeling, if
only for a short while. I was complete, and should it all end tomorrow, I
wouldn't need another thing but my memories, to remind me that I once was
that whole. As we rocked back and forth I smiled to myself, a private,
knowing smile. He'd never know exactly how much I loved him, but I could
promise him, this feeling wasn't going away. It was here to stay.
*******************************
*sings* Yoooooou make me wanna be…so beautiful…
:)
No reason for inserting that; just what I happen to be listening to right now.
DL Sarah Sadler, "Beautiful". ^.~ Hope you enjoyed!
ropachan@cox.net
cielenvoye@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/sailorananke/