Chapter Three: Betrayal of Heart and Mind

"Ha, Counselor, just in time." Captain Picard was surprised; Deanna was always a few minutes early. 'I could care less Captain.'

"I apologize Sir, I...had some work to do." The frown that washed over his face told her he knew there was something more going on than simply 'some work'. He rose his hand for a second, then dropped it back on the elbow rest.

"No need to apologize Counselor, you're still in time." She managed to smile back at him without showing her nervousness.

"There's not much to do for you I'm afraid. No goose-chases, no saucer-separations...no piloting." The latter, accompanied by a wink, was something the crew had been teasing her with for the last years, ever since the destruction of the Enterprise D which _hadn't_ been her fault; confirmed so by the crew and by the conclusions of Starfleet's investigation. She had even been rewarded because she had managed to avoid casualties.

"Too bad Captain, I am in the mood for some action." 'Thank god, I need to think.'

"Though, maybe I could destroy the planet...cause a war in the Federation. Then we'd have some action for several weeks." They both grinned at her idea, a totally ridiculous one of course, but part of her...

"True Counselor, but then again, maybe that would be a little too much of everything. Anyway, the Bridge is yours, we have no orders except orbiting Ryara I for four more days, have fun."

"Always Sir." She watched her Captain disappearing in his Ready Room, he sure was in a good mood lately. Her decision to play matchmaker hadn't wrong. Two more days...two more days and they would leave Ryara I behind and her Imzadi. 'No, he doesn't deserve that endearment, he has even forgotten what it means.' But wasn't an imzadi-bond forever? But if it was, why was he leaving her? For no apparent reason she wildly shook her head, trying to shake the question out of her mind. She felt the crew looking at her but didn't pay attention to them. 'Could I persuade him to stay?' She was pretty sure she could, but did she want to? Was she willing to take the risk to of humiliating herself in front of him by begging him to stay? She though about it for a while, drawing the conclusion that she wasn't. She could perfectly well take care of herself on her own; she had done so before. 'But what if he _does_ resign? I'll never see him again.' How was it possible for one person to hurt her this much?' During the Ba'Ku mission in the Briar Patch she felt totally right about rekindling their relationship and had decided to continue it after the mission. Of course she was aware of the influence the metaphasic radiation had had on them, but how much could that be? And when he hadn't backed off after the mission she had been relieved. 'Where did it go wrong?' Yes where _did_ it go wrong? Now that she thought about it, they hadn't spent much time together even before the beginning of this mission. Their away missions were mostly split leaving one on board and one down. During this mission it had been no different; when he would beam up, it would be her turn to beam down. That they all had spent many nights down there had attributed to their lack of contact as well. Maybe it _was_ her fault. If she had welcomed him the few nights he sought out to her, if she had loved him instead of letting him slip in her bed and telling him she was too tired and than falling asleep on his chest, maybe then he wouldn't have fallen in love. 'Enough of this! He's not worth all this thinking and self-pity.' She picked up a PADD determinedly and began reading; she might as well work through 'her paperwork' instead of doing nothing and wasting her time.

After four hours she had completed twenty-four updates of personnel reports. Deanna stood up from her chair and pulled the satin string out her hair, allowing it to flow down her back and shoulders. She had decided to let it grow again after the Ba'Ku mission but it still wasn't as long as it use to be. Why Will chose exactly that moment to walk onto the Bridge was a mystery, but she was glad fate had picked that moment out of all the others. She felt a wave of familiarity, love and admiration wash through her but it disappeared just as suddenly as it had appeared.

"Hello, Will." She stood with her back to him. If only he had realized that, things might have changed, but he didn't. Deanna pulled her hair back in place and fastened the string around it while she turned.

"Ah, Deanna, condemned to take the Bridge Watch I see."

"Yes, sure you won't miss all those hours of doing absolutely nothing?" He didn't miss her coy look, but he did miss were the feelings underneath.

"I'll miss the company during those, but the hours themselves...nah I don't think so." The big grin on his face made her laugh, no matter how she felt, it always made her laugh.

"I assume the Captain is in his Ready Room?"

"He is...but you already knew that."

"The benefits of an advanced computer system I guess." 'He's going to ask for it now, maybe Picard will not let him go.' False hope, she knew that very well. If anyone on this ship deserved shore leave it was Will, she was painfully aware of that. Will walked to the doors, he was self-confident and full of hope. The doors hissed open and Will walked inside, ready to begin the negotiations.

Only fifteen minutes later he walked out, feeling satisfied and certain. She could barely keep herself from running to him, begging him to stay.

"I take it the Captain agreed?" She saw his eyes shining when he looked at her.

"Not yet, he needs to think about it." He didn't fear Picard's decision; after all, on what grounds could he possibly deny him shore leave?

"You're pretty convinced he'll allow you to go."

"Yes, I don't think there are any reasons for him to deny me my well-earned shore leave." He bent towards her, bringing his mouth near her ear.

"Unless, of course, the Ship's Counselor has..." Weakly she forced a smile on her face.

"Well Commander, you'll be in my debt forever after this." How on earth she managed to act so lightheartedly on the outside when she felt so desperate on the inside she didn't know, she didn't care either. 'Why don't you see?!' Will stepped into the turbolift and Captain Picard asked her to come to his Ready Room. Even before she stepped inside she knew what he wanted to talk about.

"Counselor, have a seat." With dignity she sat herself down, crossed her legs and serenely folded her hands on her lap. 'Would Will have told him?' Patiently she waited for the Captain to begin.

"Counselor, Commander Riker has requested permission for a nine month shore leave." He watched her closely when he spoke, because she didn't express surprise he assumed she already knew.

"I assume he has talked to you about this."

"He has, Sir." She could explain by herself but because she didn't know how much her Captain knew she thought it would be safer to let him ask the questions before answering them.

"What exactly did you discuss?" Uncomprehendingly she looked up at the bald man across the room.

"Sir...?" It was half a question, and half an indication that he shouldn't ask her.

"Deanna, I know that what you discuss as a counselor is confidential. But I have the feeling you didn't talk to him as a counselor." There was no accusation in his voice, or in his emotions. His statement was a logical one, she had almost never talked to Will as a counselor, she never could. She cast her eyes down, only to raise them a second later.

"No, Sir, I didn't." Picard slightly nodded and leaned back in his chair.

"I'm worried about him Counselor. He has been uncharacteristically distracted lately, in addition to the amount of time he spend down there." Jean-Luc looked out the window at the planet below. Even from outer space the view of the planet was a colourful one, the red clouds clearly in contrast with the purple/white/blue surface. "And now NINE months of shore leave." Slowly she nodded, confirming his words.

"Nine months _is_ a long time."

"You think it's too long?"

"Well, no and yes. He has earned it of course, god knows that. But it's so, unlike, Will." Again she nodded at his words. She owed it to him to explain, he _was_ Will's friend, but maybe she also saw it as a way of getting back to Will.

"He came to see me this afternoon." Deanna made herself more comfortable before she continued. "He wanted to tell me something; the reason why he had spend so much time down there." She too looked out at the colourful ball below them. "I felt a bit guilty that we had spoken so little the past months and was glad he came to see me." She felt no need to hide her own feelings from the Captain, at least part of them. "I sensed he was nervous, but also very sure of something." Jean-Luc noticed his confidant was nervous but tried not to let her know, knowing it would make her uncomfortable.

"He has fallen in love with one of the Ryaran woman." With her head slightly bend down she watched him for his reaction. Jean-Luc exhaled slowly, pressing all the air out his lungs. 'The Prime Directive, dammit Will, those everlasting hormones of you.' His first reaction he didn't spoke out aloud, but Deanna had a pretty good guess what it was. His second reaction however he _did_ speak out loud.

"But I thought the two of you were..."

"We haven't been for several months now." Looking back it _was_ true, wasn't it?

"I see." He felt sorry for her, she sensed as much. Grateful that he didn't voice his regret she informed him of Will's intention to resign and how she had persuaded him to take shore leave first.

"I owe you Deanna."

"So I assume you will grant Commander Riker his shore leave."

"I have to, I don't have any legal grounds to keep it from him." The Betazoid sensed the indecision in her superior.

"Captain. Even if you had he would simply resign. He's very certain about this." The man was grateful for her words. She knew exactly what to say; 'one of the benefits of being Betazoid'. He realized once again how lucky he was to have her onboard, and how lucky he was to have the crew he had. Friends, family, confidants and exemplary officers. He was reluctant to let Will go like this; he had always thought he'd raise a toast to his First Officer for his promotion to a Captain's position on another vessel. Therefore he was more than grateful that Deanna had talked him into taking shore leave first. He looked at Deanna and realized this was painful for her. She was clearly trying not to let her emotions surface, but he wanted to wrap his arms around her, comfort her like a father would comfort his child. Everyone onboard the Enterprise was well aware how much the Ship's Counselor and First Officer meant to each other and they all had seen evidence of that love and affection occasionally. She _was_ beautiful and he couldn't understand why on earth Will let her go. In fact he was even a bit angry with him, like a father would be when a man hurt his daughter. Suddenly, for the first time in sixteen years he realized the amazing parallel between his relationship with Beverly and Will's relationship with Deanna. 'It's a small galaxy after all.' Deanna noticed the shift in the Captain's feelings and wondered why he was laughing inward. Jean-Luc noticed her quizzical look and knew he had to explain.

"I never, ever thought it [] possible that Will would resign for a woman." 'Except for you.'

"Neither did I." 'Even for me' She replied with a grin. 'I wish I could do something back for her. She helped me and Beverly a great deal.'

"Between you and me Counselor...I think that he'll beg us to take him onboard again after nine months." Deanna laughed at the conspiratorial tone in his voice.

"I bet he's even willing to be degraded to Lieutenant by then." She replied in kind, desperately trying to hide how much she hoped that his assumption would be correct. He grinned for a while and then turned serious again.

"So you think I_should_allow him to go?" 'NO!'

"Yes, Sir, he _did_ earn it."

"Alright than, I'll allow it. Thank you Counselor." Deanna uncrossed her legs and stood up. She tucked a long ebony strand behind her ear and walked to the doors. They hissed open and the Counselor walked out, surprised that he didn't call her back in the last minute. On the Bridge she sat down in the Captain's Chair again and picked up another PADD, trying to continue updating the personnel reports. But much to her dismay she couldn't concentrate. 'Nine months?!' 'How would it be without him?' 'And if he _did_ stay? Would she try to make him come along then? Would she have the guts?' The entrance of First Officer onto the Bridge interrupted her chain of thoughts.

"Deanna." He nodded nervously...apparently he wasn't so sure after all. In contradiction to everything her heart told her to do she nodded reassuringly and watched him walk into the Captain's Ready Room. Even though she already knew what the Captain had decided she could barely sit still; nervous about the outcome. Only minutes later he walked out; self assured, happy and relieved. Energetically he walked up to her, scooped her up in his arms and gently kissed her on her cheek.

"Thank you my friend, for everything." 'NO!!! Fool! Don't you see?!' He put her back in the chair and left the Bridge without another look. 'How could he do that?! Doesn't he know how I feel?!' This was it; he would be leaving, there was no longer a way back. Deanna felt like crying loudly and for a long time, alone in the darkest corner of this godforsaken ship! But she managed not to let her mask down, like she had all the years onboard. She swallowed her tears and used every ounce of willpower to keep her mask up. When Picard entered the Bridge and relieved her of duty thirty minutes early she was surprised but grateful. He had probably realized how she felt about Will's decision; she sensed his compassion for her, but for the first time in her life she didn't care. She just wanted to be alone now, just as alone and deserted as she felt. By the time she reached her quarters tears shone in her eyes. The doors hissed open and Deanna stormed inside, grabbed the first thing she encountered and smashed it against the wall. "Damn you Will Riker, DAMN YOU!!!" She collapsed onto the floor, her senses flooded with her own feelings of loss, despair, fury and sadness. Her petite body was racked with sobs. 'I HATE you Will! I HATE you!, I HATE you!, I HATE you!!!...But I _need_ you so much!!!' Her crying prevented her from screaming her thoughts out loud, no matter how much she wanted to. After nearly half an hour her crying finally eased down. Her ebony curls were stuck to her cheeks, caught in the trail left by the flood of tears that had streamed down her face. Her eyes were red and swollen, dried out and aching. In the palms of her hands little rivulets of blood trailed down to her wrists, caused by the immense strength with which she had pressed her nails into her flesh. Deanna Troi fell asleep on the floor, her hands still clenched into fists; her body and mind exhausted.

While Deanna slept Captain Picard informed the rest of the Senior Staff of Commander Riker's decision to take a nine-month shore leave. He hadn't told them the reason for his decision, since in his opinion that was up to Will. But that wasn't his main reason; he was concerned about Deanna. She had been so cheerful during and after the Ba'Ku mission and so had Will as he recalled. He figured it would be more painful for her when the others knew exactly why Will Riker had left. They had taken it well, just the fact that he took a NINE-month shore leave had surprised them. They hadn't decided yet how to replace him although they all agreed that it was not necessary to bring a temporary First Officer onboard to fulfill Will's tasks. After the meeting Beverly had accompanied him to his quarters where they shared a late dinner.

"Does Deanna know yet?" She wondered how her friend would react to Will's absence. 'If only she knew...' Jean-Luc was tempted to inform her of Will's reasons but also knew Deanna or Will would.

"Yes, I asked her advice about whether or not to let him go for such a long period of time." Beverly frowned, that wasn't Jean-Luc's custom, but the feeling she had during the meeting that there was more to it than a simple shore leave signified.

"And what did she say?" She wasn't going to let this go, he knew that the minute he had looked into her amazing blue eyes.

"That he deserved it." Again the tall woman on the other side of the table frowned.

"And she agreed to let him go?"

"Yes Beverly, she agreed." A bit taken a back by his slightly angry voice she looked at him quizzically.

"Oh...wait a minute." A smile decorated her face and Jean-Luc looked at her in surprise. 'What's funny about this?'

"Deanna didn't happen to ask for shore leave herself as well did she?" Now he was the one with a quizzical gaze on his face. The redhead grinned at him mischievously.

"Beverly Crusher, keep your mind at home." His eyes sparkled when he realized what the dear Doctor was aiming at, but soon his face turned serious.

"No, Bev. She hasn't." With a serious face herself she leaned over the table.

"Jean-Luc, what _is_ going on? I have the feeling there's more to this than a simple shore leave." 'How can I possibly lie to those beautiful eyes?' He took her hands in his and held her gaze.

"I'm not the one to tell you what _is_ going on." She got the hint and left the issue for what it was, she'd talk about this later.

~D~