=====================

Author's note: The lyrics used come from the songs 'Us', 'Love is on the Way' and 'Immortality' from the Album 'Let's talk about Love' performed by Celine Dion. No infringement was intended, but I just *had* to use them. :rolleyes:

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Chapter Twelve: No more Tears

In the week that followed everything seemed to be normal. Deanna, Data and Geordi had each taken part of Will's bridge watches and Deanna and Data had decided to handle Will's other tasks together.

The solution seemed to be a good one. Doctor Crusher had, of course, expressed her concern over Deanna's heavy duty roster but the Counselor herself was quite happy with it. Being on duty for most of the day gave her an excuse not to think about her personal life, about him...Even though she knew she could not avoid looking back forever.

Beverly had questioned Jean-Luc several more times about Riker's shore leave, but he stoically refused to give her any answers. However, as the second week neared Deanna's behaviour became more and more abnormal. She couldn't concentrate anymore, and was easily distracted and nervous. Beverly talked with her and Deanna assured her it was nothing.

But her behaviour went from bad to worse. At the beginning of the second week she was withdrawn, snappy, sarcastic and cold. She still performed her duties well – Deanna Troi was the last person to let her personal misery interfere with her duty – but by the end of the week she couldn't perform her duties any longer. The fatigue and sadness were tangible on the Betazoid's pretty face.

~*+*~

"I heard you're going to take a month's shore leave." There wasn't the slightest reaction from her until she opened her mouth. She answered still looking out into space.

"Yes I am, I need to take a break."

"I'm glad you've asked for it yourself. I was to the point of confining you to your quarters."

"I appreciate your concern Beverly, but I can take perfect care of myself." The Betazoid clenched her teeth together as she spoke. 'Something is definitely bothering her.' Beverly stated silently. The redhead leaned back in her chair and took a sip of her tea. Suddenly a coy and searching glimpse entered her eyes.

"Going to pay a visit to our dear Commander, are you?" Slowly...very slowly Deanna turned around, locking her gaze immediately onto Beverly's. If the utter calmness of her movements hadn't yet concerned the Doctor, the look in her eyes most certainly did. Her irises had darkened and Beverly could almost -see- the flames of fury.

"De...Deanna?" The sound of her voice seemed to have a calming influence and the fire in her friend's eyes died. But the cold tone of the empath's words sent an unpleasant shiver along her spine.

"No, I'm not Doctor. I'm going to Betazed if you must know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm tired and want to go to bed." She hadn't released her gaze, he*l she hadn't even blinked her eyes. Every muscle in the Counselor's body was strained and she was trembling.

Beverly realized that her own heartbeat had accelerated and a feeling of fear crept over her. Part of her wanted to walk over to her best friend and comfort her, take away whatever hurt she was feeling. But another part of her wanted to run away, out those quarters, away from the uncomfortable and frightening silence within them.

She chose the latter, walking backwards to the door. Her arm stretched out behind her, searching for the panel and pushing it; opening the doors. All the while her gaze did not leave the trembling Betazoid at the window. As soon as the doors slid back together in front of her Beverly turned around and nearly ran to her own quarters where she walked straight into the arms of her friend, lover and Captain. With a shaky voice she started to explain what had happened.

~*+*~

As soon as the doors slid back together Deanna exhaled slowly, allowing the fury inside her to flow out bit by bit. Beverly had been scared of her; for the first time in her life she had *scared* someone. She knew she should feel guilty and angry with herself, but she felt none of that. She just didn't care.

"I definitely need shore leave." As she mumbled those words to herself Deanna tucked an ebony curl behind her ear. Empty-eyed she stared out to the stars; the same ones that she had dreamed to explore so long ago.

"Computer: play the songs 'US', 'Immortality' and 'Love' is on the Way' performed by Celine Dion, 21st century Earth. Random order" It had been a long time since she had listened to those – 16 years. The soft tones and lyrics filled her quarters.

~*~*~
~ I want to know why ~
~ you're letting this die ~
~ Without the blink of an eye ~
~ You say that you need time ~
~ I say you'll be fine ~
~*~*~

The music began softly but grew louder and louder as the voice became stronger and stronger. Deanna found herself intensely listening to the lyrics. 'NO! I *don't* need him anymore; he made his choice!'

~*~*~

~ If you would only see ~
~ Like you did before ~
~ You became imprisoned ~
~ Can I reopen the door ~
~*~*~

"Computer: delete the song 'US' from the list." The music faded, quickly replaced by another song. "Increase volume by one hundred percent." She didn't want to be aware of anything but the music and herself.

~*+*~

"Jean-Luc, I want to know what is going on and I want to know -now !!!" He planted a light kiss on her hair and made her face him. She could see in his eyes that he wanted to tell her, but she could also see that he wouldn't. "Jean-Luc..." The woman was pleading with him; something was very wrong with her best friend and he knew what; but he -wouldn't- -couldn't- tell her.

"Deanna alone holds the answer to that My Love, go to her. Don't use the chimes, use your overwrite code and don't speak until she does." Had she heard that correctly?! He wanted her to invade Deanna's privacy. She watched him in mile shock, but when her eyes met his she realized he was right.

"All right." Beverly got up and glanced at him silently before she walked to the bedroom and exchanged her uniform for a civilian dress. As she passed him they quickly kissed.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Before she had the chance to respond the doors closed behind her. 'Tomorrow?' Her first impulse was to walk back in, but instead she headed back to Deanna's quarters. Much to her surprise the doors hissed open at her approach; Deanna apparently hadn't locked them after she had left. As she entered the beginning notes of a song penetrated her ears. Judging from their loudness the volume had been set extremely high, especially for Deanna.

The quarters were dark; the only light came from the stars around them. Beverly stood still three meters behind Deanna's back and waited. A soft, female voice accompanied the music and the Doctor fell victim to the intoxicating effect of the song. Like the Betazoid before her, she listened intensely to the lyrics.

~*~*~
~ Waking up alone ~
~ In a room that still reminds me ~
~ My heart has got to learn to forget ~
~ Starting on my own ~
~ With every breath I'm getting stronger ~
~ This is not the time for regret ~
~ 'Cos I don't need to hang on to heartbreak ~
~ When there's so much of life left to live ~
~*~*~

As the meaning of the words dawned on Beverly she realized what had caused Deanna to behave like she had.

~*~*~

~ Love is on the way ~
~ On wings of angels ~
~ I know it's true ~
~ I feel it coming through ~
~ Love is on the way ~
~ Time is turning the pages ~
~ I don't know when ~
~ But love will find me again ~
~*~*~

A surge of sorrow and pity rushed through her and when she saw Deanna stir she knew the empath had felt it. But she didn't turn around so Beverly waited patiently for her friend to speak.

~*~*~

~ I am not afraid of the mystery of tomorrow ~
~ I have found a faith deep within ~
~ There's a promise I have made ~
~ There's a dream I'm gonna follow ~
~ There's another change to begin ~
~ And it's coming as sure as the heaves ~
~ I can feel it right here in my heart ~
~*~*~

A The song ended and another on began. Again Beverly's attention was drawn to the lyrics, which she just *knew* were important for Deanna. The singer was undoubtedly the same as the previous.

~*~*~
~ So this is who I am ~
~ And this is all I know ~
~ And I must choose to live ~
~ For all that I can give ~
~ The spark that makes the power grow  ~

~ And I will stand for my dream if I can ~
~ Symbol of my faith in who I am ~
~ But you are my only ~
~ And I must follow on the road that lies ahead ~
~ And I won't let my heart control my head ~
~ But you are my only ~
~ We don't say goodbye ~
~ We don't say goodbye ~
~ And I know what I've got to be ~

~*~*~

While listening to the song, something that was almost impossible not to do, Crusher closely studied her friend. Although Deanna was standing with her back towards her the redhead was sure she was crying at the moment, if not over what could've been, then over what once had been.

~*~*~

~ 'Cos I have found a dream that must come true ~
~ Every ounce of me must see it through ~
~ But you are my only ~
~ I'm sorry I don't have a role for love to play ~
~ Hand over my heart I'll find my way ~
~ I will make them give to me  ~

~ Immortality ~
~ There is a vision and a fire in me ~
~ I keep the memory of you and me inside ~
~ And we don't say goodbye ~
~ We don't say goodbye ~
~ With all my love for you ~
~ And what else we may do ~
~ We don't say goodbye. ~
~*~*~

Again the music faded, and this time Beverly found her eyes filled with tears. The songs were beautiful, but she knew that the meaning – the reason why Deanna played them now at such a volume – was that those songs reflected what was going on inside the mind and heart of the tiny Betazoid who looked so utterly lost.

"Computer: stop." This was it, one wrong word and...she didn't even want to think about what would happen then. Deanna still hadn't turned around, but Beverly's instinct told her to approach her friend.

"It's been sixteen years since I listened to those songs." Her voice was almost emotionless, almost but not quite.

"They're beautiful." Slowly Deanna turned around. The fury that had dominated the black eyes earlier was gone, replaced by tears that kept falling down her cheeks. The empath wiped them away with her small hands and sat down on the couch. Beverly sat down besides her and waited for her to continue.

"I frightened you, didn't I?" Briefly both woman looked at their hands before their eyes met again.

"You did." A nervous laugh escaped her throat as she looked away in shame.

"I'm sorry." The Doctor didn't respond, fully aware that she didn't need to. A comfortable silence surrounded them, allowing each the time to think about what their next step would be.

"Why the songs Deanna?" The question was direct, more direct than either of them had expected. Beverly held her breath; Deanna would either explode or explain. Preferably the latter.

"I told you that Will and I had met before we were stationed on the Enterprise."

"Yes, you told me you had a brief affair but that it just hadn't worked out." Deanna laughed again, this time her laugh was filled with unmistakable sarcasm.

"That's what I tried to make myself believe; that it 'just hadn't worked out'." She took a deep breath and a few moments to compose herself. "When I first met him I didn't want to have anything to do with him. He was so full of himself, so arrogant and even then his reputation had preceded him." Beverly smiled knowingly; she could understand Deanna's reasoning perfectly.

"My opinion about him changed when he came to rescue me from a gang of robbers who had kidnapped me." The surprised look on her friend's face made her laugh. "Yes, I know; a typical fairy-tale. Only 'they lived happily ever after' didn't count for us." She shook her head sadly and swallowed continuing.

"I fell in love with him; utterly, completely, undeniably in love and so did he. At least that's what I thought. My mother tried her very best to keep us apart...and almost succeeded." The Betazoid closed her eyes, trying to get a grip on her emotions and on the fury that was building inside her.

Beverly took the pause as a sign and got up to get them both a mug of hot chocolate. While sipping their chocolate Deanna told Beverly about the night she had walked in on Will and Wendy Roper; she told her about the fight between her and Will, between her and her mother. And about how eventually she had come to trust him again.

Beverly listened quietly as Deanna told her how she had reacted when he had informed her of his departure, how during their time together she had forged the sacred Imzadi-bond between them. She told her friend how happy she had been when he had proposed her. Hearing that Beverly gasped; they had been engaged?!

Sensing her friend's surprise, confusion and curiosity Deanna smiled weakly. "Yes, we were engaged. Much to Mother's dismay." She added smiling. 'What happened?' Beverly didn't verbalize her question, but she knew Deanna could put two and two together and figure out the question anyway.

"We contacted each other regularly, informed the other about our lives." Deanna's voice became unsteady and Beverly gently squeezed her friend's small hand for comfort and courage. The empath mouthed a silent thanks and continued her story.

"After six months I took a leave from the University and went to Risa, where we had agreed to meet and be married. I waited for him an entire week, telling myself with each transport arriving that if he wasn't in it, he would be in the next. But after seven days I could no longer fool myself and I returned home; broken-hearted and no longer the person I used to be."

"Part of me has always stayed behind on Risa, waiting. When I came back home I refused to talk to anyone, even my best friend Chandra. But they understood and supported me by allowing me time and space for myself."

"Chandra send me the songs; respecting my wish not to be disturbed but vocally supporting me anyway. I listened to them for several days, each time realizing more and more how true they were. Eventually I made my decision. I would built a career of my own and I would shed *no* *more* tears over William Thomas Riker."

"Oh Deanna." Tears shone in the eyes of both woman and Beverly slid her long arm around Deanna's slender shoulders and pulled her to her chest. "Shh." Quietly Deanna cried and Beverly rocked her back and forth, murmuring soft encouraging words. Eventually Deanna pushed herself up and wiped the moisture of her cheeks.

"Another promise that didn't make it though." Looking into Beverly's gaze she explained. "I made several promises to myself regarding Will throughout the years. At first that I would no longer run away from the man I loved. Then that I would have faith in him and see him on Risa. After that I promised myself I would shed no more tears over him as a lover."

"Later, on the Enterprise we vowed not to cross the line between being best of friends and being lovers. And the last one I made about three weeks ago; when he came to see me to inform me about his 'shore leave'." The sarcasm in her last two words startled Beverly.

"I promised myself that if he would ask me again to marry him I'd accept." Her words caused hope in the older woman. 'Would he?' But when she looked into the sad, empty, dark eyes in front of her that hope immediately disappeared.

"What happened?" The younger of the two swallowed, sighed and swallowed again.

"He came to me, about a week before we were to leave orbit. He started talking about this woman he'd fallen in love with. I was so sure he meant me, so sure that he would finally ask me to marry him and that we could finally put the past behind us." Her gaze shifted from her friends cold blue eyes to the stars outside. Her delicate face no longer revealed any emotion. "But I was wrong again. I was hoping for something he couldn't, wouldn't give me." As they locked gazes again the despair was easy to read in the dark eyes of the Betazoid.

"He had fallen in love with one of the natives. He was willing to give up the very same things that he hadn't been able to give up for me Bev. And once again I was punished for trusting him with my heart. He was even willing to *resign* for her!" Deanna collapsed onto her best friends lap and let the tears and cries take control of her body; she was tired of fighting, tired of pretending she didn't care. Gently Beverly stroked her thick dark curls, humming softly.

After almost two hours Deanna fell into a dark, dreamless sleep. Only then did Beverly dare to think about what Deanna had told her. It all made perfect sense now; their behaviour towards each other, and Deanna's hesitation and fear over getting involved with Will again. Oh, she could imagine how Will told her, how he wouldn't have thought about her feelings at all.

Her mind wandered off as she thought of all the times she had talked with Deanna about him, all the times she had seen her friends features momentarily harden as they saw him with another of his flings.

She also realized that it was Deanna who had managed to talk him into taking shore leave instead of resigning. Her thoughts flew to the moment she had found Deanna lifeless on the floor in Sickbay, only weeks ago and she made the connection instantly. But she knew there had been more to it than just the pain over him leaving. And she had to find out what it was before it happened again.

The answer, unbeknownst to her at that moment, would become clear quicker than she expected.

~*+*~

"Dammit Jean-Luc, keep your hands at home!" As much as she loved him, his habit of waving his arms around while he slept was annoying. The sudden feeling of pins and needles made her open her eyes. She was still half-asleep as the unfamiliar surroundings registered. A distant voice caught her attention.

"No...I'm not responsible...it isn't, wasn't my fault." Sheepishly she looked down at the restless form on her lap. The pale face covered in dark curls tossed from one side to the other. "They *did* love me! Like I love them!...not my fault...not mine."

"Deanna." She had meant to yell, but the name came out as barely more than a soft whisper.

"Not my fault!...I told him...I did...I didn't scare them!" 'She looks horrified.' She remembered now  what they had discussed last night. 'I have to wake her up.' "No! They weren't angry...they weren't scared!...they just left...but not...no! Not because of me!!!"

"Deanna..." Her voice still wasn't much more than a whisper. "...Deanna..." She placed a hand under the woman's neck and shoulders and began pushing her up. "...Deanna!..." There was no reaction.

"NOT my fault!...Stop it!!!...Leave me ALONE!" She roughly shook the Betazoid back and forth with all of her strength.

"DEANNA!!! Dammit! Wake up!!!" Beverly's scream finally had an effect; the other woman stilled her movements and slowly opened her eyes.

"Where--What--?" Frightened and disorientated, Deanna looked around,  visibly relaxing as she recognized Beverly Crusher, her best friend.

"Shh, it's all right."

"What happened?"

"You had a nightmare, that's all." But both knew it wasn't. Nonetheless Deanna didn't allow herself to think about it now. Beverly gently but determindly pushed her up. "Let's get you into bed." The Betazoid stood up docilely, a shimmer of shock appearing briefly in her dark eyes.

"Computer: time."

05.37 hours. Wide eyed she looked at her friend.

"Oh, I'm sorry Bev! I kept you up all night!" The Doctor got up and led the Betazoid to her bedroom, assuring her that she didn't need to be sorry at all. Deanna undressed and slid into a nightgown. Beverly tucked her in and was on her way out when she heard Deanna's soft, pleading voice whispering her name.

"Beverly...could you please stay with me tonight? I know it's a lot to ask but..."

"Stop it right there." Shocked by Crusher's sudden interruption Troi shut her mouth instantly, only to open it to apologize, again.

"Deanna, of course I'll stay if you want me too." The gratitude in her eyes was all that she needed and so she silenced the Empath before she could voice it.

"But I will join you in that bed if you don't mind, 'cos I'm not exactly used to sleeping in a chair." Both of the women grinned and the Doctor walked out to change. When she entered the bedroom again Troi had moved to the side creating more space for her friend. Beverly got in and drew the sheets over herself and Deanna. To her surprise the latter had already fallen asleep. She slowly closed her eyes. Within seconds Beverly Crusher had fallen into a restful sleep.

~*+*~

Again she awoke from arms slapping against her. Turning around she found Deanna half conscious fighting her invisible demons. "Not me!...No!...I didn't...they did!" Beverly sat up herself, her heart going out to the young Betazoid who was so desperately trying to fight the demons within her.

"Deanna, wake up."

"He...isn't dead!...I didn't kill him...he wasn't meant to die!...I tried to...I couldn't...STOP IT!!!" 'This is ridiculous; she *has* to wake up.' Not knowing what else to do Beverly slapped her friend across her delicate face. Her eyes flew open and stared straight into the blue gaze of Doctor Crusher. This time Deanna was almost immediately aware of where she was and what had happened.

"It happened again, didn't it?" Beverly just nodded, the compassion clear in her eyes. Deanna shook her head sadly, causing the silky curls to drape around her face and shoulders, and let out a loud sigh.

"When did it first happen?"

"Down on the planet." Immediately the Doctor made the connection and looked at the Betazoid who nodded confirmation.

"The voices surprised me, I didn't have time to lock them away; they overwhelmed me. I can control, ignore them during the day but not when I'm asleep, not yet."

"What are they saying?" With a quiet voice and tears building in her large eyes Troi explained how one of the voices accused her of scaring away every men she loved, while the other was defending her.

"Sound like the 'good' and the 'bad' part of your mind are having a discussion." Noticing the confusion in her friend Crusher explained about the human perception of the battle between heart and mind.

"How are you going to deal with them?" Another sigh escaped her.

"I'll have to accept that Will has left me yet again." She forced a weak smile on her face, one that wouldn't and never had fooled Beverly. She drew the younger woman into her embrace and hugged her tightly.

"You'll manage, I'm sure you will Dea."

~D.~