Part X
"Well," he thought, "this should be interesting." In much the same way that a broken leg is interesting. Luka glanced at the clock for the fifth time in as many minutes. He felt reassured that this meeting was to take place on his own turf. He'd been first surprised and then wary when Carter had asked if he could call on him.
"I need to speak to you."
"About?"
"Can we leave it 'til I see you?"
"Sure."
He knew what it was about of course, wished he could skip it, bestow absolution without having to hear the confession. It seemed he had to be receptive to all comers these days, people falling over themselves to make amends to him. He didn't want it, he thought, irritably, and then felt a little ashamed. "If he can do this so can you," he told himself.
Carter nursed the coffee which Luka had made and didn't know where to look, let alone start.
"You drank it."
"What?"
"You drank the coffee; most people can't stomach it." Kovac was smiling at him.
"It was --- interesting."
"You're very kind." Sarcasm? Carter decided not.
"The apartment's looking good. The paintings by your dad?"
"Yes."
"You're right. He's good."
"What's on your mind, Carter?" It wasn't a question; it was a prompt.
"I don't really know where to start, how to say what I have to say."
"Simply would be best." And quickest.
"I've . I've not always been - " he faltered; tried again. "I've behaved badly towards you Ko - Luka. And I've known I was doing it and I've known why. Do you?"
"I don't need to know why."
"I need you to know."
Luka nodded. "OK." And waited. Minutes passed.
"I've never liked you. Not when I first met you and not since."
"I see."
"No, you don't, because it really had - has - nothing to do with you. It's about me."
"Go on."
"You're what I'm not. Have everything I don't."
"I don't understand."
"No. Why would you? Family, love, resilience. All the things a man is supposed to have, and I have none of them."
"That's not - "
"Please; don't interrupt me. Please." And again Luka waited. "I don't know how else to explain it. All my life I've been trying to . matter. When I qualified I thought that would be it, that would do it, but it wasn't. Putting MD after your name doesn't change anything, does it?" he looked at Luka, clearly expecting an answer.
"I don't think so, no."
Carter nodded. "But the thing is, I always had my reasons for feeling bad, there like old pals to turn to. Bobby, my parents, Lucy, Sobricki - "
"Bobby?"
Carter shook his head. "Doesn't matter about the details. They all did double duty; if I failed they were the reason; if I succeeded I could tell myself I'd overcome them. I was very attached to them."
"Carter - "
No. It --- it's what I feel. And then, bingo, addiction. That felt like the real me, actually. I don't think I was ever more myself than when I was using, lying, cheating. Payback." He'd been through all this in his meetings, but the effort of telling Luka was exhausting. "Can I get a glass of water?"
"Sure. I'll get it." But Carter stood and followed him. Luka handed him the glass.
"Neat kitchen. Can you cook?"
"A little."
"Of course you can. I can't."
"You've never needed to I guess."
"You'd guess right."
"You want to sit?"
"No. Do you mind?"
"No, no."
"Anything you don't do?"
"Mental arithmetic, type, play the piano - or soft ball." Carter found a smile from somewhere. "Talk. I don't do that well either." Luka added softly. Carter nodded.
"You heard from Abby?" he asked suddenly.
"No. You?"
"No. I don't really expect to. Do you . do you think she'll be all right?" Luka considered the question for a moment.
"Yes. I do. She --- it seems like she woke up. Like she found something."
"Herself."
"And you?"
"Me too." He looked Luka in the face for the first time in some minutes. "Still looking. I feel bad about her too. Maybe I should go and talk to the people I don't feel bad about. It would be quicker "
"Why do you feel bad?"
"What?"
"About Abby. You seemed happy enough together."
"We were fooling ourselves. I needed her to change. It's not a good way to go into something."
"Maybe when she gets back --- "
"No. I can't do that, even if she could. It's wrong. The blind leading the blind. Actually the blind pushing the blind in my case. . This is hard for me. Abby I mean. I was angry - when you two were together. I'd started to think she'd be there for me, and then you .I blamed you because I didn't want to blame her. And I just carried on blaming. I think maybe I used her in a way."
"How?"
"To get at you. To feel better about myself."
"I understand."
"And her drinking - "
"Carter - "
"I know, I know she never told you. I shouldn't have done what I did, but I was scared. I mean she was sober for six years, you know?" Luka nodded. "I couldn't have handled it any worse, could I?" Carter continued. "Why did she come to you?" he asked suddenly.
"What?"
"After she was beaten up?"
"I don't know, " said Luka, cautiously. "Because I offered; because it was safe, no complications."
"You believe that?"
"Believe what?"
"No complications."
"She believed it. That's what mattered."
"And she could drink."
"I don't know. You'd have to ask her about that."
"I guess."
"You'll be OK, Carter. You're a good man."
Carter felt tears threaten. He hadn't expected kindness from Luka and there it was, and it made him want to cry.
"I need to say I'm sorry."
"You said it."
"I mean it."
"I know. Leave it alone now. " Carter nodded. They were silent for a moment before Luka asked "Have you eaten?"
"No." Luka took his glass from him. "Give me a hand then."
They'd prepared dinner together, Carter following instructions, and had eaten as they talked of inconsequential, harmless things, safe things. It had felt surreal to Luka and he suspected it felt at least that to Carter. As he left Carter held out his hand; Luka took it and on an impulse pulled him into an embrace, leaving Carter disconcerted. As he went out of the door he turned suddenly and said
"I still don't like you."
"OK." Said Luka.
"Well," he thought, "this should be interesting." In much the same way that a broken leg is interesting. Luka glanced at the clock for the fifth time in as many minutes. He felt reassured that this meeting was to take place on his own turf. He'd been first surprised and then wary when Carter had asked if he could call on him.
"I need to speak to you."
"About?"
"Can we leave it 'til I see you?"
"Sure."
He knew what it was about of course, wished he could skip it, bestow absolution without having to hear the confession. It seemed he had to be receptive to all comers these days, people falling over themselves to make amends to him. He didn't want it, he thought, irritably, and then felt a little ashamed. "If he can do this so can you," he told himself.
Carter nursed the coffee which Luka had made and didn't know where to look, let alone start.
"You drank it."
"What?"
"You drank the coffee; most people can't stomach it." Kovac was smiling at him.
"It was --- interesting."
"You're very kind." Sarcasm? Carter decided not.
"The apartment's looking good. The paintings by your dad?"
"Yes."
"You're right. He's good."
"What's on your mind, Carter?" It wasn't a question; it was a prompt.
"I don't really know where to start, how to say what I have to say."
"Simply would be best." And quickest.
"I've . I've not always been - " he faltered; tried again. "I've behaved badly towards you Ko - Luka. And I've known I was doing it and I've known why. Do you?"
"I don't need to know why."
"I need you to know."
Luka nodded. "OK." And waited. Minutes passed.
"I've never liked you. Not when I first met you and not since."
"I see."
"No, you don't, because it really had - has - nothing to do with you. It's about me."
"Go on."
"You're what I'm not. Have everything I don't."
"I don't understand."
"No. Why would you? Family, love, resilience. All the things a man is supposed to have, and I have none of them."
"That's not - "
"Please; don't interrupt me. Please." And again Luka waited. "I don't know how else to explain it. All my life I've been trying to . matter. When I qualified I thought that would be it, that would do it, but it wasn't. Putting MD after your name doesn't change anything, does it?" he looked at Luka, clearly expecting an answer.
"I don't think so, no."
Carter nodded. "But the thing is, I always had my reasons for feeling bad, there like old pals to turn to. Bobby, my parents, Lucy, Sobricki - "
"Bobby?"
Carter shook his head. "Doesn't matter about the details. They all did double duty; if I failed they were the reason; if I succeeded I could tell myself I'd overcome them. I was very attached to them."
"Carter - "
No. It --- it's what I feel. And then, bingo, addiction. That felt like the real me, actually. I don't think I was ever more myself than when I was using, lying, cheating. Payback." He'd been through all this in his meetings, but the effort of telling Luka was exhausting. "Can I get a glass of water?"
"Sure. I'll get it." But Carter stood and followed him. Luka handed him the glass.
"Neat kitchen. Can you cook?"
"A little."
"Of course you can. I can't."
"You've never needed to I guess."
"You'd guess right."
"You want to sit?"
"No. Do you mind?"
"No, no."
"Anything you don't do?"
"Mental arithmetic, type, play the piano - or soft ball." Carter found a smile from somewhere. "Talk. I don't do that well either." Luka added softly. Carter nodded.
"You heard from Abby?" he asked suddenly.
"No. You?"
"No. I don't really expect to. Do you . do you think she'll be all right?" Luka considered the question for a moment.
"Yes. I do. She --- it seems like she woke up. Like she found something."
"Herself."
"And you?"
"Me too." He looked Luka in the face for the first time in some minutes. "Still looking. I feel bad about her too. Maybe I should go and talk to the people I don't feel bad about. It would be quicker "
"Why do you feel bad?"
"What?"
"About Abby. You seemed happy enough together."
"We were fooling ourselves. I needed her to change. It's not a good way to go into something."
"Maybe when she gets back --- "
"No. I can't do that, even if she could. It's wrong. The blind leading the blind. Actually the blind pushing the blind in my case. . This is hard for me. Abby I mean. I was angry - when you two were together. I'd started to think she'd be there for me, and then you .I blamed you because I didn't want to blame her. And I just carried on blaming. I think maybe I used her in a way."
"How?"
"To get at you. To feel better about myself."
"I understand."
"And her drinking - "
"Carter - "
"I know, I know she never told you. I shouldn't have done what I did, but I was scared. I mean she was sober for six years, you know?" Luka nodded. "I couldn't have handled it any worse, could I?" Carter continued. "Why did she come to you?" he asked suddenly.
"What?"
"After she was beaten up?"
"I don't know, " said Luka, cautiously. "Because I offered; because it was safe, no complications."
"You believe that?"
"Believe what?"
"No complications."
"She believed it. That's what mattered."
"And she could drink."
"I don't know. You'd have to ask her about that."
"I guess."
"You'll be OK, Carter. You're a good man."
Carter felt tears threaten. He hadn't expected kindness from Luka and there it was, and it made him want to cry.
"I need to say I'm sorry."
"You said it."
"I mean it."
"I know. Leave it alone now. " Carter nodded. They were silent for a moment before Luka asked "Have you eaten?"
"No." Luka took his glass from him. "Give me a hand then."
They'd prepared dinner together, Carter following instructions, and had eaten as they talked of inconsequential, harmless things, safe things. It had felt surreal to Luka and he suspected it felt at least that to Carter. As he left Carter held out his hand; Luka took it and on an impulse pulled him into an embrace, leaving Carter disconcerted. As he went out of the door he turned suddenly and said
"I still don't like you."
"OK." Said Luka.