Part XI
She'd found it difficult to sleep at first. And to eat. If she'd thought that this was going to be easier than the first time she knew her mistake now. She'd told Carter, oh, a hundred years ago, that she was a different person. "That sure came back and bit me in the ass," she thought, because it was this new person who now had to submit to the rigours of rehabilitation, and this new person hadn't done it before. No matter. She would do it. Unpack herself, finally look herself in the face. What she saw as she did this was often uncomfortable, painful, sometimes terrifying.
As time went on she faced some awful truths. Saw how she had poisoned her own life and saw too how the poison had seeped into those around her. Richard, Luka, even Carter. She recognised the blueprint for failure on which she had modelled herself but also came to the astonishing realisation that she had been loved. Richard had loved her, and she had tested his love to destruction until he became the man she though she deserved, a man only now finding himself again. Luka had loved her but she had used every weapon in her armoury to repel him until he could fight no longer. And Carter too had loved her in his way, but had needed her to be someone else. She should be grateful to him for making her realise that she could only go through this cycle so many times. When she had drunk in order to get out of it she'd realised that she did finally care enough about herself to do something.
And who exactly was she? She had thought she'd known but saw now that she'd been wrong. But she'd made up her mind that by the time this 90 days were up she'd be able to look herself in the face without turning in disgust from what she saw. And, if she wasn't able to love it she'd be willing to start trying.
As time went on the pain of living without a drink receded; the pain of self examination became more bearable and she was slowly able to discern the outline of the woman she was to be. Gradually the detail of the image came into focus and she greeted this woman without fear and without loathing and this was wholly new to her.
On the day that her therapist told her that if she was ready to go he would be willing to let her she had made her way to the telephone, but realised she had no-one to call. Carter? No, not Carter. Luka? Luka. Abby knew that she wanted nothing more than to have him waiting at the station when she returned, to go to him and to say with a smile "Still love me?", but she was suddenly afraid of what he might say and more afraid of her own response. She would do this alone. She wrote a note to Carter, another to Luka telling them she'd be back Friday and that she'd be in touch when she was ready. And then she went to pack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day dawned brilliantly grey and overcast, and the journey by train seemed endless, but oddly soothing, and it was a shock to emerge into the noise and crowds of the city. She allowed herself to smoke a longed for cigarette before taking a cab home.
Abby stood in the centre of her apartment and said aloud "OK, this is where the hard work begins." She taped the number of her sponsor at the side of the 'phone and felt better for doing that. It seemed awfully quiet and she was startled when she heard the knock at her door. It was her neighbour, partly obscured by a large bag of groceries.
"You're back."
"Yes. Just now.
"Have a good trip?"
"Sure. Very - restful." A pause. Abby looked at the groceries with raised eyes.
"Oh, your friend brought these by, asked me to make sure you got them."
"My friend?"
"Yeah, the real tall one, foreign accent - Russian or something. "
"Luka"
"That's it - Luka. Haven't seen him here in a while. Nice man."
"Yes, he is. Can I take those?"
"Sure, sure." She handed over the groceries but continued to hover.
"Well, I have to unpack. Thanks for these." And Abby shut the door firmly.
Abby unpacked the fresh groceries with a smile. No note. Typical. She should call him to say thank you. Was he working today? There was no answer at his apartment. The November afternoon was turning into evening as she turned the pages of the calendar on her wall. August. September. October. November. Today. November 19th. Today. Oh, Luka.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He wasn't at the hospital on Monday when she presented herself for a meeting with Kerry to discuss her return to work. The truth was she needed to get back; her finances were in a parlous state and if she was honest she didn't relish the prospect of very many more days alone with nothing to but think.
"Two weeks." said Kerry. "I can see that you're anxious to get back but I really think that it would be beneficial for you to spend some time at home, adjust to things." Abby opened her mouth to speak but Kerry said "I have taken it under advisement."
"Sure."
"And you know, if you need time out to talk -"
"Thanks, Kerry, I'll be fine."
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
"OK"
"I - I thought I'd fill Haleh and Lydia in while I'm here."
"Oh, I can do that if you'd prefer."
"No, it's OK. I'm a big girl." She smiled and headed for the admit desk.
He was taking a long time to answer his door. Maybe he was out. She was about to turn away when the door opened. She'd expected him to look drawn and tired and was surprised to see that he did not. He just looked absurdly pleased to see her. He'd evidently just put on his coat ready to go out. Abby found herself engulfed in a huge hug of welcome, and grinned until her face hurt.
"Welcome back!" She'd forgotten how warm his voice was.
"Yeah. Good to be home. You're going out."
"Yes. I have to see someone. Come with me?"
"Who is it?"
"Wait and see."
Abby sat alongside him in the car, suddenly at a loss for words, awkward and neither of them knowing how they should talk to each other.
"Thanks for the groceries."
"You're welcome."
"It was a kind thought. What do I owe you?"
"Owe me?"
"For the groceries."
"Oh, they cost a fortune; I'll have my accountant send you a bill."
"Suit yourself. So, who are we meeting?"
"My girlfriend." Abby let this sink in for a moment.
"Your girlfriend? What's her name?"
"Rosa. I've been doing some volunteering at the Croatian Community Centre, and I met her there."
"I didn't know there was a Croatian Community Centre."
"Several."
Keep talking Abby, keep breathing. "So - what do you do?"
"Help with the old people mostly. A lot of them came over after the war looking for relatives, but they end up alone."
"And Rosa?"
"Her family come from a village not far from my grandparents' farm. Small world, eh?" he grinned.
"Yeah." Real small.
Luka pulled up outside an apartment building Abby was glad she didn't live in. The Viper immediately attracted some attention, but a very tall and massively built young man emerged from the building and took up position at the side of the car. Luka handed him a $5 bill and led Abby inside.
"What's that all about?"
"Protection."
"What?"
"His grandmother lives here and I happened to be here when she had a heart attack. Now I get discount."
Astonishingly the lift worked and they got out at the third floor. Abby was a little shocked when he unlocked the door himself
"You have a key?" Already, she wanted to add.
"Well, it makes things easier, you know?" She knew. Abby followed him inside and watched as Luka spread his arms wide and took the woman into his embrace. She leaned back and gazed adoringly up at him, laying one hand against his face, her smile radiant. Abby didn't understand a word they were saying, but smiled when she realised that an introduction as being effected. The tiny woman smiled back and nodded and Abby couldn't take her eyes off her.
She was at least 70 years old. She spoke again to Luka and went into what appeared to be a bedroom. Abby turned to Luka who was looking back at her with the merest trace of a smile in his eyes.
"Fooled you" he said quietly.
"No you didn't"
"Yes, I did."
"Nah, I knew you weren't dating."
"Oh?"
"I got all caught up with the gossip this morning with Haleh and Lydia."
"What makes you think they'd know?"
"You're such an innocent, Kovac. They'd know. They know if someone changes their brand of toothpaste."
Rosa returned in her coat and took Abby's arm.
"Where are we going?"
"Shopping. I try to take her once a week. So I know she'll eat properly." He repeated this last phrase in Croation and Rosa waved a hand dismissively at him. He'd pulled a wheelchair from the corner but Rosa all but spat at it and walked until they reached the end of the street when she conceded defeat, allowing Luka to push. "She has angina, asthma, arthritis, a bad knee." Rosa spoke, evidently asking what he was saying, and he translated, and then laughed at her response. "She says that apart from that she has the health of a 20 year old, and she also wants to know when I'm going to get married."
It took three hours to get Rosa's shopping bought, unpacked; for gritty coffee to be drunk and pastries eaten which were so sweet that Abby could hear her teeth rotting. Before they left Luka checked her pills, looked over some bills and paperwork and fixed new light bulbs in her bedroom and kitchen. Abby accepted another pastry, wrapped in kitchen paper and submitted to a hug, the strength of which belied Rosa's apparent frailty. The old woman took Luka's face between her hands and kissed him, saying something which clearly made her emotional before releasing him with a smile.
"So," Luka said, as he unlocked the car and gave Protection the $5 dollar balance, "You like her?"
"She's very sweet."
"Yeah, but I have to be careful."
"Why? She married?"
"Worse."
"What could be worse?"
"She has a granddaughter."
"You don't think she's pretty?"
"She's 76 years old, Abby."
"I meant - oh, funny today, huh?"
"I haven't met her. She lives in Idaho or somewhere, I don't know. Actually all my old ladies have granddaughters. It's a jungle out there sometimes. But now it will be all round everyone that I went to visit Rosa with a woman."
"Glad to be of use."
"Oh, I knew I could depend on you." She knew he wasn't talking about today.
"Yeah, well, don't make a habit of it."
They were silent for a while. "And how are you, Abby?"
"I'm good, I think. It's a little weird to be back. Kerry thinks I should spend a couple of weeks acclimatizing to the real world before I come back to work. I think she's probably right. I don't feel quite real at the moment." Deep breath. "I tried to call you." He didn't answer. "I forgot the date, Luka. I'm sorry."
"No, it's OK. I helped out at the centre. Tried to avoid getting dragged along to church, but they got me in the end." His smile was less assured now. "This is a bad time for a lot of them. We got a little drunk together. Us and the priest." He looked at her anxiously then.
"What about Rosa's family?"
"Her son and two grandsons died at Vukovar. Sometimes she calls me by their names."
"She gets confused?"
"No. She's just pretending."
"Here's you."
"Come up and have some dinner?"
"I'm on at seven." Not to mention having just consumed my daily calorie allowance, he thought.
"Won't take me long. Come on I can tell you tales from rehabilitation."
"You sure? Don't think you have to talk to me about this if it's too hard." Luka's voice had sunk to almost a whisper. Do you remember what you said to me? Abby thought.
"Yes, I could use some company. Of course I don't have a personal car bodyguard but it should be safe enough." Please.
Luka shrugged. "I'll risk it."
She'd found it difficult to sleep at first. And to eat. If she'd thought that this was going to be easier than the first time she knew her mistake now. She'd told Carter, oh, a hundred years ago, that she was a different person. "That sure came back and bit me in the ass," she thought, because it was this new person who now had to submit to the rigours of rehabilitation, and this new person hadn't done it before. No matter. She would do it. Unpack herself, finally look herself in the face. What she saw as she did this was often uncomfortable, painful, sometimes terrifying.
As time went on she faced some awful truths. Saw how she had poisoned her own life and saw too how the poison had seeped into those around her. Richard, Luka, even Carter. She recognised the blueprint for failure on which she had modelled herself but also came to the astonishing realisation that she had been loved. Richard had loved her, and she had tested his love to destruction until he became the man she though she deserved, a man only now finding himself again. Luka had loved her but she had used every weapon in her armoury to repel him until he could fight no longer. And Carter too had loved her in his way, but had needed her to be someone else. She should be grateful to him for making her realise that she could only go through this cycle so many times. When she had drunk in order to get out of it she'd realised that she did finally care enough about herself to do something.
And who exactly was she? She had thought she'd known but saw now that she'd been wrong. But she'd made up her mind that by the time this 90 days were up she'd be able to look herself in the face without turning in disgust from what she saw. And, if she wasn't able to love it she'd be willing to start trying.
As time went on the pain of living without a drink receded; the pain of self examination became more bearable and she was slowly able to discern the outline of the woman she was to be. Gradually the detail of the image came into focus and she greeted this woman without fear and without loathing and this was wholly new to her.
On the day that her therapist told her that if she was ready to go he would be willing to let her she had made her way to the telephone, but realised she had no-one to call. Carter? No, not Carter. Luka? Luka. Abby knew that she wanted nothing more than to have him waiting at the station when she returned, to go to him and to say with a smile "Still love me?", but she was suddenly afraid of what he might say and more afraid of her own response. She would do this alone. She wrote a note to Carter, another to Luka telling them she'd be back Friday and that she'd be in touch when she was ready. And then she went to pack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day dawned brilliantly grey and overcast, and the journey by train seemed endless, but oddly soothing, and it was a shock to emerge into the noise and crowds of the city. She allowed herself to smoke a longed for cigarette before taking a cab home.
Abby stood in the centre of her apartment and said aloud "OK, this is where the hard work begins." She taped the number of her sponsor at the side of the 'phone and felt better for doing that. It seemed awfully quiet and she was startled when she heard the knock at her door. It was her neighbour, partly obscured by a large bag of groceries.
"You're back."
"Yes. Just now.
"Have a good trip?"
"Sure. Very - restful." A pause. Abby looked at the groceries with raised eyes.
"Oh, your friend brought these by, asked me to make sure you got them."
"My friend?"
"Yeah, the real tall one, foreign accent - Russian or something. "
"Luka"
"That's it - Luka. Haven't seen him here in a while. Nice man."
"Yes, he is. Can I take those?"
"Sure, sure." She handed over the groceries but continued to hover.
"Well, I have to unpack. Thanks for these." And Abby shut the door firmly.
Abby unpacked the fresh groceries with a smile. No note. Typical. She should call him to say thank you. Was he working today? There was no answer at his apartment. The November afternoon was turning into evening as she turned the pages of the calendar on her wall. August. September. October. November. Today. November 19th. Today. Oh, Luka.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He wasn't at the hospital on Monday when she presented herself for a meeting with Kerry to discuss her return to work. The truth was she needed to get back; her finances were in a parlous state and if she was honest she didn't relish the prospect of very many more days alone with nothing to but think.
"Two weeks." said Kerry. "I can see that you're anxious to get back but I really think that it would be beneficial for you to spend some time at home, adjust to things." Abby opened her mouth to speak but Kerry said "I have taken it under advisement."
"Sure."
"And you know, if you need time out to talk -"
"Thanks, Kerry, I'll be fine."
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
"OK"
"I - I thought I'd fill Haleh and Lydia in while I'm here."
"Oh, I can do that if you'd prefer."
"No, it's OK. I'm a big girl." She smiled and headed for the admit desk.
He was taking a long time to answer his door. Maybe he was out. She was about to turn away when the door opened. She'd expected him to look drawn and tired and was surprised to see that he did not. He just looked absurdly pleased to see her. He'd evidently just put on his coat ready to go out. Abby found herself engulfed in a huge hug of welcome, and grinned until her face hurt.
"Welcome back!" She'd forgotten how warm his voice was.
"Yeah. Good to be home. You're going out."
"Yes. I have to see someone. Come with me?"
"Who is it?"
"Wait and see."
Abby sat alongside him in the car, suddenly at a loss for words, awkward and neither of them knowing how they should talk to each other.
"Thanks for the groceries."
"You're welcome."
"It was a kind thought. What do I owe you?"
"Owe me?"
"For the groceries."
"Oh, they cost a fortune; I'll have my accountant send you a bill."
"Suit yourself. So, who are we meeting?"
"My girlfriend." Abby let this sink in for a moment.
"Your girlfriend? What's her name?"
"Rosa. I've been doing some volunteering at the Croatian Community Centre, and I met her there."
"I didn't know there was a Croatian Community Centre."
"Several."
Keep talking Abby, keep breathing. "So - what do you do?"
"Help with the old people mostly. A lot of them came over after the war looking for relatives, but they end up alone."
"And Rosa?"
"Her family come from a village not far from my grandparents' farm. Small world, eh?" he grinned.
"Yeah." Real small.
Luka pulled up outside an apartment building Abby was glad she didn't live in. The Viper immediately attracted some attention, but a very tall and massively built young man emerged from the building and took up position at the side of the car. Luka handed him a $5 bill and led Abby inside.
"What's that all about?"
"Protection."
"What?"
"His grandmother lives here and I happened to be here when she had a heart attack. Now I get discount."
Astonishingly the lift worked and they got out at the third floor. Abby was a little shocked when he unlocked the door himself
"You have a key?" Already, she wanted to add.
"Well, it makes things easier, you know?" She knew. Abby followed him inside and watched as Luka spread his arms wide and took the woman into his embrace. She leaned back and gazed adoringly up at him, laying one hand against his face, her smile radiant. Abby didn't understand a word they were saying, but smiled when she realised that an introduction as being effected. The tiny woman smiled back and nodded and Abby couldn't take her eyes off her.
She was at least 70 years old. She spoke again to Luka and went into what appeared to be a bedroom. Abby turned to Luka who was looking back at her with the merest trace of a smile in his eyes.
"Fooled you" he said quietly.
"No you didn't"
"Yes, I did."
"Nah, I knew you weren't dating."
"Oh?"
"I got all caught up with the gossip this morning with Haleh and Lydia."
"What makes you think they'd know?"
"You're such an innocent, Kovac. They'd know. They know if someone changes their brand of toothpaste."
Rosa returned in her coat and took Abby's arm.
"Where are we going?"
"Shopping. I try to take her once a week. So I know she'll eat properly." He repeated this last phrase in Croation and Rosa waved a hand dismissively at him. He'd pulled a wheelchair from the corner but Rosa all but spat at it and walked until they reached the end of the street when she conceded defeat, allowing Luka to push. "She has angina, asthma, arthritis, a bad knee." Rosa spoke, evidently asking what he was saying, and he translated, and then laughed at her response. "She says that apart from that she has the health of a 20 year old, and she also wants to know when I'm going to get married."
It took three hours to get Rosa's shopping bought, unpacked; for gritty coffee to be drunk and pastries eaten which were so sweet that Abby could hear her teeth rotting. Before they left Luka checked her pills, looked over some bills and paperwork and fixed new light bulbs in her bedroom and kitchen. Abby accepted another pastry, wrapped in kitchen paper and submitted to a hug, the strength of which belied Rosa's apparent frailty. The old woman took Luka's face between her hands and kissed him, saying something which clearly made her emotional before releasing him with a smile.
"So," Luka said, as he unlocked the car and gave Protection the $5 dollar balance, "You like her?"
"She's very sweet."
"Yeah, but I have to be careful."
"Why? She married?"
"Worse."
"What could be worse?"
"She has a granddaughter."
"You don't think she's pretty?"
"She's 76 years old, Abby."
"I meant - oh, funny today, huh?"
"I haven't met her. She lives in Idaho or somewhere, I don't know. Actually all my old ladies have granddaughters. It's a jungle out there sometimes. But now it will be all round everyone that I went to visit Rosa with a woman."
"Glad to be of use."
"Oh, I knew I could depend on you." She knew he wasn't talking about today.
"Yeah, well, don't make a habit of it."
They were silent for a while. "And how are you, Abby?"
"I'm good, I think. It's a little weird to be back. Kerry thinks I should spend a couple of weeks acclimatizing to the real world before I come back to work. I think she's probably right. I don't feel quite real at the moment." Deep breath. "I tried to call you." He didn't answer. "I forgot the date, Luka. I'm sorry."
"No, it's OK. I helped out at the centre. Tried to avoid getting dragged along to church, but they got me in the end." His smile was less assured now. "This is a bad time for a lot of them. We got a little drunk together. Us and the priest." He looked at her anxiously then.
"What about Rosa's family?"
"Her son and two grandsons died at Vukovar. Sometimes she calls me by their names."
"She gets confused?"
"No. She's just pretending."
"Here's you."
"Come up and have some dinner?"
"I'm on at seven." Not to mention having just consumed my daily calorie allowance, he thought.
"Won't take me long. Come on I can tell you tales from rehabilitation."
"You sure? Don't think you have to talk to me about this if it's too hard." Luka's voice had sunk to almost a whisper. Do you remember what you said to me? Abby thought.
"Yes, I could use some company. Of course I don't have a personal car bodyguard but it should be safe enough." Please.
Luka shrugged. "I'll risk it."