He had been waiting for her call with equal measures of dread and
anticipation, but when it came dread got the better of him and he found
himself barely able to speak. They'd exchanged few words; brief, to the
point, and he'd known there and then how things were to be. Still, he rang
the doorbell at the arranged time and waited, and saw, when she opened the
door, that her smile on seeing him was real. They hugged, awkwardly, but
what he didn't know, couldn't have guessed, was that Abby instantly called
to mind Luka's heartfelt embrace of a week earlier.
"So. Three months."
"Three months, 1 week and 2 days."
"And counting."
"Of course."
"And how is it?"
"Hard. It's hard, but . it's good, you know?" Carter nodded.
"Sit. I cooked."
"I'm honoured."
"You'll never know ." Silence. "How have you been, Carter?"
"I've been better. And worse. I'm OK." Abby made no reply. "I'm in therapy" Carter continued brightly.
"Me too. How is it?"
"Hard. It's hard but . it's good, you know?" She laughed at that.
"We can compare stories." They both knew, in the silence that followed, that they wouldn't be doing that.
"Let's eat."
"The condemned mans hearty breakfast" he said quietly.
"And womans." she said, her smile sad.
It was as he'd expected, their connection irredeemably fractured. It was OK; he could deal with this. He could. Two birds with one stone: they were on each other's lists. It had to be done. Over dinner they'd traded small talk; she told him about rehab, he told her about therapy.
"How's your Mom?"
"Still Mom. Being good for now. How's your Grandmother?"
"Still Gamma. Being good for now."
"Coffee?"
"Sure."
"Are we going to get this over with?"
"We should."
"Me first. I'm the guest, right?"
"I don't know what Miss Manners says about two addicts pooling step 9, but I'm sure you're right."
"I want to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you. I was scared."
"Scared of what?" He hesitated. He'd thought out how he'd explain this to her, but now it slipped from his grasp.
"You were right. When you said I didn't really buy into the programme before. I did it because I had to to get my job back. If I'd committed to it properly - I wouldn't have been so freaked about you drinking again."
"That's what scared you?"
Carter nodded. "If it could happen to you - six years sober - where did that leave me. And I thought if I could turn it back it would be like it didn't happen."
"It did happen. I did it. Not my Mom, not Brian, not you. Not Luka."
Carter looked directly at her then. "You talked to him?"
"Some. Before I left. Not enough."
"I talked to him too."
"I'm glad. I don't think we did right by him. "
"No. We didn't do right by each other either, did we?"
"I don't think so. We were good friends, Carter. I'd forgotten what being with someone meant - what it --- demanded. Luka paid for that. And you --- "
"I wasn't thinking clearly. I broke the rules."
"What?"
"I fell in love." Abby looked away. "No, no, it's OK, I don't want you to feel bad about that. I thought I couldn't help it. But we can, if we try." Abby looked sceptical. "It didn't help you and Luka. I should have backed off."
"You did. And me and Luka - we just got that wrong all by ourselves." Carter shook his head.
"He was OK with me."
"Who?"
"Luka. Cooked me dinner."
"Really?"
"Really. I'm having to work hard not to like him these days." Abby smiled. "How about you?"
"Me?"
"Are you working at not liking him?" She shrugged. "He's a good friend." And he loves me she thought. "I - I knew how you felt about me, Carter, I always knew. It was a stupid game we played."
"The thing is Abby, I can't play it any more. Not with you. I mean, we didn't really settle things before -"
"I understand. You're right." Carter felt a tiny pang of disappointment.
"There's something I need to tell you." Abby went on. "The night I went to Luka's place - "
"Yes?"
"I - I hit on him."
"You what?"
"I told him I wanted to sleep with him."
"And did you?"
"Sleep with him? No!"
"No - want to?"
"Then? Yes. You may remember I was wasted at the time."
"What did he say?"
"Nothing. He called you." Carter considered this for a moment and then shook his head.
"Well, it's a good thing one of us didn't have his head up his ass that night."
"He's a good man."
"Why did you need me to know this now?"
"Because - it's who I was then. I don't think you knew what you were dealing with. You might feel better when you understand that."
"I don't."
"No. Not now. Later."
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do. Think about it. You do know."
"Is there any more coffee?"
"Sure."
"And can I have a cigarette?"
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
They'd talked until very late, and it seemed to Carter that their lives no longer intertwined, that they never really had. They ran parallel, mirrored one another, never really meeting. They were too alike. He was having a hard enough time building up enough love for himself let alone enough for two of him. But in the end some ease had been restored, and he was eventually able to ask, his curiosity genuine
"So, you and Luka, do you think you'll --- "
"What?"
"You know."
"Oh. No, no. It's too soon for me to be thinking about anything like that." Liar, she thought. And he might think twice before getting that close to me again . "No - he's - like I said, he's a good man, a good friend. And we still have some fences of our own to mend." Carter nodded. He wanted to leave now. He was tired, had done what he came to do, and the pain had not been what he had expected it to be, the pain of not feeling more pinched him. Nostalgia was one addictive substance he didn't feel inclined to indulge in.
At the door he hugged her lightly again, and kissed her cheek. As he was about to leave he turned back to her.
"Abby?"
"Yes?"
"He makes better coffee than you."
"You can go now Carter."
"So. Three months."
"Three months, 1 week and 2 days."
"And counting."
"Of course."
"And how is it?"
"Hard. It's hard, but . it's good, you know?" Carter nodded.
"Sit. I cooked."
"I'm honoured."
"You'll never know ." Silence. "How have you been, Carter?"
"I've been better. And worse. I'm OK." Abby made no reply. "I'm in therapy" Carter continued brightly.
"Me too. How is it?"
"Hard. It's hard but . it's good, you know?" She laughed at that.
"We can compare stories." They both knew, in the silence that followed, that they wouldn't be doing that.
"Let's eat."
"The condemned mans hearty breakfast" he said quietly.
"And womans." she said, her smile sad.
It was as he'd expected, their connection irredeemably fractured. It was OK; he could deal with this. He could. Two birds with one stone: they were on each other's lists. It had to be done. Over dinner they'd traded small talk; she told him about rehab, he told her about therapy.
"How's your Mom?"
"Still Mom. Being good for now. How's your Grandmother?"
"Still Gamma. Being good for now."
"Coffee?"
"Sure."
"Are we going to get this over with?"
"We should."
"Me first. I'm the guest, right?"
"I don't know what Miss Manners says about two addicts pooling step 9, but I'm sure you're right."
"I want to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you. I was scared."
"Scared of what?" He hesitated. He'd thought out how he'd explain this to her, but now it slipped from his grasp.
"You were right. When you said I didn't really buy into the programme before. I did it because I had to to get my job back. If I'd committed to it properly - I wouldn't have been so freaked about you drinking again."
"That's what scared you?"
Carter nodded. "If it could happen to you - six years sober - where did that leave me. And I thought if I could turn it back it would be like it didn't happen."
"It did happen. I did it. Not my Mom, not Brian, not you. Not Luka."
Carter looked directly at her then. "You talked to him?"
"Some. Before I left. Not enough."
"I talked to him too."
"I'm glad. I don't think we did right by him. "
"No. We didn't do right by each other either, did we?"
"I don't think so. We were good friends, Carter. I'd forgotten what being with someone meant - what it --- demanded. Luka paid for that. And you --- "
"I wasn't thinking clearly. I broke the rules."
"What?"
"I fell in love." Abby looked away. "No, no, it's OK, I don't want you to feel bad about that. I thought I couldn't help it. But we can, if we try." Abby looked sceptical. "It didn't help you and Luka. I should have backed off."
"You did. And me and Luka - we just got that wrong all by ourselves." Carter shook his head.
"He was OK with me."
"Who?"
"Luka. Cooked me dinner."
"Really?"
"Really. I'm having to work hard not to like him these days." Abby smiled. "How about you?"
"Me?"
"Are you working at not liking him?" She shrugged. "He's a good friend." And he loves me she thought. "I - I knew how you felt about me, Carter, I always knew. It was a stupid game we played."
"The thing is Abby, I can't play it any more. Not with you. I mean, we didn't really settle things before -"
"I understand. You're right." Carter felt a tiny pang of disappointment.
"There's something I need to tell you." Abby went on. "The night I went to Luka's place - "
"Yes?"
"I - I hit on him."
"You what?"
"I told him I wanted to sleep with him."
"And did you?"
"Sleep with him? No!"
"No - want to?"
"Then? Yes. You may remember I was wasted at the time."
"What did he say?"
"Nothing. He called you." Carter considered this for a moment and then shook his head.
"Well, it's a good thing one of us didn't have his head up his ass that night."
"He's a good man."
"Why did you need me to know this now?"
"Because - it's who I was then. I don't think you knew what you were dealing with. You might feel better when you understand that."
"I don't."
"No. Not now. Later."
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do. Think about it. You do know."
"Is there any more coffee?"
"Sure."
"And can I have a cigarette?"
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They'd talked until very late, and it seemed to Carter that their lives no longer intertwined, that they never really had. They ran parallel, mirrored one another, never really meeting. They were too alike. He was having a hard enough time building up enough love for himself let alone enough for two of him. But in the end some ease had been restored, and he was eventually able to ask, his curiosity genuine
"So, you and Luka, do you think you'll --- "
"What?"
"You know."
"Oh. No, no. It's too soon for me to be thinking about anything like that." Liar, she thought. And he might think twice before getting that close to me again . "No - he's - like I said, he's a good man, a good friend. And we still have some fences of our own to mend." Carter nodded. He wanted to leave now. He was tired, had done what he came to do, and the pain had not been what he had expected it to be, the pain of not feeling more pinched him. Nostalgia was one addictive substance he didn't feel inclined to indulge in.
At the door he hugged her lightly again, and kissed her cheek. As he was about to leave he turned back to her.
"Abby?"
"Yes?"
"He makes better coffee than you."
"You can go now Carter."