PART XV
This was in danger of becoming a habit. Twice now she'd kissed him out of nowhere.
"I feel like it's going to run away with me any minute." She'd been talking about the Viper. She might as well have been talking about her heart which was threatening to crack her chest. What in the name of God had she just done? A friendly kiss for the new year. She knew there'd be plenty of those tomorrow night, and that Luka would be on the receiving end of many of them. A friendly kiss for the new year. Bullshit.
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This was in danger of becoming a habit. Twice now she'd kissed him out of nowhere.
He'd stood on the street until he was too cold to bear it and made his way indoors; picked up her coffee cup and put it in the sink. What was this? A friendly kiss for the new year. If it had been Susan or Lydia or Haleh he'd have blushed a little, shrugged and thought no more about their teasing. But this was Abby. Abby didn't tease. What did Abby do, feel, think? He thought his head would split and he knew it wasn't because of the beers he'd drunk.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" She shouldn't be doing this, she needed time alone. She'd read the instructions on the packet often enough. But the time she'd spent with him, Rosa's death and the terrible and precious things he'd told her had pulled down her defences. The things he'd told her. She needed time to think those through. They had not mentioned any of them since. Waking up with his arms around her at Rosa's apartment she had not wanted to move; was aware that the last of her secrets had evaporated in the warmth of his acceptance. He knew it all now; hadn't missed a beat, and she cursed the fear, the shame and the self loathing in which she had hugged her secrets to her like monstrous offspring. But her fear and her shame and her self loathing were her defences and they were gone. And as yet she had nothing to put in their place.
If He had told her that he had slept with 10 different women each year since he'd lost Danijella she would have found it easier to accept than the fact that she was the first. The second, she corrected herself. The second woman he had shared his bed with in his whole life. She should have felt proud; she felt terrified at the implications of it, understood with dazzling clarity his confusion and doubts. Dear God.
She'd known as soon as she returned from rehab that she would fall in love with him, the longing she had resurrected before she'd left had taken hold of her in earnest. She had tried to guard against it. She was losing the fight. Surrender was not an option right now. She was faced only with retreat.
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She shouldn't be doing this, she needed time alone. He knew that. And she must know that. So. A friendly kiss for new year. He wished she hadn't done it.
When he'd woken at Rosa's apartment with Abby in his arms, as cold as he was, and as nauseous with hunger as he had felt, he hadn't wanted to move. He'd forgotten the way their limbs fitted together, how soft her hair was against his face. In the minutes after he woke he remembered their conversation of the previous night. He'd never thought he'd tell her any of those things. She'd wanted to know. He could have told her sooner. Her own revelations were less surprising. But she had sat and waited for him to deliver judgement and he'd read the astonishment in her face when it had not been forthcoming. They knew each other so little really. Knew each other so well.
He didn't understand her feelings. His own he understood perfectly. He loved her. He had never stopped loving her. Didn't think now that he ever would. He wanted her to be happy. More than he wanted her to be with him. This wouldn't do it. He should back off a little. They'd spent too much time together and it was confusing the issue. Leave her be, Luka, leave her be.
What do you think, sweetheart, what should I do?
There was no answer. There never was.
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This was in danger of becoming a habit. Twice now she'd kissed him out of nowhere.
"I feel like it's going to run away with me any minute." She'd been talking about the Viper. She might as well have been talking about her heart which was threatening to crack her chest. What in the name of God had she just done? A friendly kiss for the new year. She knew there'd be plenty of those tomorrow night, and that Luka would be on the receiving end of many of them. A friendly kiss for the new year. Bullshit.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
This was in danger of becoming a habit. Twice now she'd kissed him out of nowhere.
He'd stood on the street until he was too cold to bear it and made his way indoors; picked up her coffee cup and put it in the sink. What was this? A friendly kiss for the new year. If it had been Susan or Lydia or Haleh he'd have blushed a little, shrugged and thought no more about their teasing. But this was Abby. Abby didn't tease. What did Abby do, feel, think? He thought his head would split and he knew it wasn't because of the beers he'd drunk.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" She shouldn't be doing this, she needed time alone. She'd read the instructions on the packet often enough. But the time she'd spent with him, Rosa's death and the terrible and precious things he'd told her had pulled down her defences. The things he'd told her. She needed time to think those through. They had not mentioned any of them since. Waking up with his arms around her at Rosa's apartment she had not wanted to move; was aware that the last of her secrets had evaporated in the warmth of his acceptance. He knew it all now; hadn't missed a beat, and she cursed the fear, the shame and the self loathing in which she had hugged her secrets to her like monstrous offspring. But her fear and her shame and her self loathing were her defences and they were gone. And as yet she had nothing to put in their place.
If He had told her that he had slept with 10 different women each year since he'd lost Danijella she would have found it easier to accept than the fact that she was the first. The second, she corrected herself. The second woman he had shared his bed with in his whole life. She should have felt proud; she felt terrified at the implications of it, understood with dazzling clarity his confusion and doubts. Dear God.
She'd known as soon as she returned from rehab that she would fall in love with him, the longing she had resurrected before she'd left had taken hold of her in earnest. She had tried to guard against it. She was losing the fight. Surrender was not an option right now. She was faced only with retreat.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
She shouldn't be doing this, she needed time alone. He knew that. And she must know that. So. A friendly kiss for new year. He wished she hadn't done it.
When he'd woken at Rosa's apartment with Abby in his arms, as cold as he was, and as nauseous with hunger as he had felt, he hadn't wanted to move. He'd forgotten the way their limbs fitted together, how soft her hair was against his face. In the minutes after he woke he remembered their conversation of the previous night. He'd never thought he'd tell her any of those things. She'd wanted to know. He could have told her sooner. Her own revelations were less surprising. But she had sat and waited for him to deliver judgement and he'd read the astonishment in her face when it had not been forthcoming. They knew each other so little really. Knew each other so well.
He didn't understand her feelings. His own he understood perfectly. He loved her. He had never stopped loving her. Didn't think now that he ever would. He wanted her to be happy. More than he wanted her to be with him. This wouldn't do it. He should back off a little. They'd spent too much time together and it was confusing the issue. Leave her be, Luka, leave her be.
What do you think, sweetheart, what should I do?
There was no answer. There never was.
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