PART XVII
The morning they'd woken at Rosa's apartment they'd been impossibly shy of each other, worse than after their first night together. Revealing one's soul was after all infinitely more intimate than revealing one's body. She didn't remember them speaking more than a dozen words, from the minute he'd helped her to sit up, clearing her hair from her eyes, his fingers stiff with cold to the minute he left her at her apartment. She felt transformed by what she knew about him and by what she had told him of herself.
And now she didn't know where to start. All talked out it seemed.
And then she'd kissed him. She wished she hadn't done it. She was so glad that she had.
She could tell her sponsor; her therapist. She could tell Carter. No. Not that. He'd seemed to have moved past their break up, but she couldn't be sure and knew too that she didn't want to deal with his disappointment if she was wrong.
She could pretend that nothing of significance had happened. Maybe it hadn't. Perhaps he thought nothing of it. She could almost have convinced herself of it. Except for the shifts. She'd seen Kerry's paperwork, knew what he'd done. He didn't think nothing of it.
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"What time are you off?"
"Seven."
"Got plans?"
"No." No. " Why?"
"You know what day it is?"
"Yes." She said, shortly.
"I was wondering if you'd keep me company over dinner? I don't want to be alone this evening, and I don't think a meeting is the place to be feeling like this. "
"Sure, Carter. Glad to." It's only my birthday; nothing else to do.
"You OK?"
"Never better"
"See you in the lounge at seven, then?"
"You got it."
Well, some things don't change she thought. The post that morning had brought birthday cards from her mother, from Eric, from a couple of fiends, from her sponsor. Nothing from Richard. Or Luka. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
She'd been hoping not to see him, but when she went to the lounge to get her coat he was there taking his off.
"You off?"
"Absolutely. I have a date." She could have bitten her tongue off.
" A date?"
"Carter wanted some company." She paused. "It's a year today that Paul Sobricki came back to the ER." Even better. Never explain.
"Oh." Another pause. They did pauses so well, she thought. "Somewhere nice?"
"I hope so. I'm jilting my couch and the TV for this."
"Greater love hath no woman." She looked sharply at him then. But he was smiling.
"You ready?" Damn. He'd hoped not to see Luka; was about to explain; thought better of it. He had the feeling that he was interrupting something. "I'll see you out front. I have to check something at the desk." And he almost ran from the room. Abby started to follow.
"Catch you later" she said to Luka.
Luka closed his locker door.
"Abby?"
"Yes?"
He handed her a package. "Happy Birthday." And he left her.
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"What's in the package?"
"I don't know."
"Open it."
"No, it'll keep."
"Come on, open it. I'm not ordering until you open it."
Abby's hands were a little unsteady as she removed the wrapping. She laughed aloud.
"What is it?"
She held up the video cassette.
"" It's A Wonderful Life"?"
"It's from Luka.. It's my birthday." She added. She was suddenly pleased that it was her birthday.
"Today? You sure?" She didn't dignify that with a response. "God, Abby, I'm sorry."
"Don't be. This dinner is going to cost you. Big time."
It didn't escape Carter's notice that her spirits had lifted. He felt in complete control of himself, despite the occasion and had become aware of a kind of good humoured warmth toward Abby that he hadn't felt since the earliest days of their friendship. He was astonished to find that this extended to Luka and stopped for a moment to try and understand that. What the hell, he thought. Sometimes when you turn round to take stock of where you are the amount of road you've covered takes you by surprise. He was surprised now. Surprise made him bold.
"It's only seven months."
"Since when?"
"Until August."
"August?"
"A year. Since you went into rehab."
"And?" She knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Just saying."
"Well say it then!"
"You can wait that long. If you think it's going to be worth it." Abby turned to look out of the window, fighting a smile.
"You really think you've got me taped, huh?"
"Don't I?" She didn't answer that. "Abby? Don't I?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do."
"I don't."
"Yes, you do. I should hate him of course."
"Who?"
"The Maitre d'. Who do you think?"
"But you don't?"
Carter shook his head. "Too much effort. You know, for the longest time I wanted to be him."
"Be him?"
"Not literally. Be what he is."
"Which is?"
"A grown up."
She nodded. "I know."
"And the world's worst liar."
"He lied to you?"
"No. But he's lying to you. And to himself."
"And when did you acquire this insight into human nature, Peter Pan?"
"I don't know. I've had to rethink a lot of stuff. I've looked at myself until I thought I'd go blind. Luka, he could have told me to go f**k myself, and I wouldn't have blamed him.. He didn't. At first I thought it was because I wasn't worth the effort for him, but it wasn't. He's a good man, Abby." He added softly. Damn, Hell has now frozen over.
"I know."
"You do."
"Yes"
"And?"
"I don't think it's up to me, Carter."
"Sure it is." She shook her head.
"Well, you'll grow old and die waiting for him. And I don't think I can bear to watch it."
"Then don't look."
"Abby. Just - give him a hint."
"I already did."
"What?"
"I kissed him."
"When?"
"After Rosa's funeral."
"Nice."
"I - I didn't mean to. It was for New Year."
"He believe that?"
"I don't think so. He's been avoiding me."
"No, I'm sure - "
"He changed his shifts, Carter."
He ran a hand through his hair. "Perhaps he thinks he's letting you off the hook. He knows you're not supposed to be going there right now, doesn't he?" No answer. "Brazen it out. Make like nothing happened. Maybe you'll convince him. Buy you some time at least." "I don't know. I think he's afraid of me."
"I don't blame him."
"Oh, you don't."
"No. Do you?"
"No. Not really. I hurt him. There are things I know now --- "
"Things?"
"His wife, his kids. Me."
"You?" She shook her head. Oh no, mister, you don't get to know that. Not ever.
"Go for it, Abby." He said as he looked at the bill. "Because there's no way in hell I'm standing you another dinner like this next year."
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She'd been about to call Luka and thank him for the birthday present when there was a knock at her door. For a moment she wondered; no, he was working still. It was her neighbour, almost invisible behind a huge sheaf of flowers. Carter had been kidding all along.
"These came for you earlier. There's a card. Your birthday?"
"Yes."
"Many happy returns, dear. Been celebrating?"
"Kind of. " She took the flowers and closed the door before the woman could get another word out. Smiling she opened the card.
'And these I owe you for last year. Luka'
The morning they'd woken at Rosa's apartment they'd been impossibly shy of each other, worse than after their first night together. Revealing one's soul was after all infinitely more intimate than revealing one's body. She didn't remember them speaking more than a dozen words, from the minute he'd helped her to sit up, clearing her hair from her eyes, his fingers stiff with cold to the minute he left her at her apartment. She felt transformed by what she knew about him and by what she had told him of herself.
And now she didn't know where to start. All talked out it seemed.
And then she'd kissed him. She wished she hadn't done it. She was so glad that she had.
She could tell her sponsor; her therapist. She could tell Carter. No. Not that. He'd seemed to have moved past their break up, but she couldn't be sure and knew too that she didn't want to deal with his disappointment if she was wrong.
She could pretend that nothing of significance had happened. Maybe it hadn't. Perhaps he thought nothing of it. She could almost have convinced herself of it. Except for the shifts. She'd seen Kerry's paperwork, knew what he'd done. He didn't think nothing of it.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
"What time are you off?"
"Seven."
"Got plans?"
"No." No. " Why?"
"You know what day it is?"
"Yes." She said, shortly.
"I was wondering if you'd keep me company over dinner? I don't want to be alone this evening, and I don't think a meeting is the place to be feeling like this. "
"Sure, Carter. Glad to." It's only my birthday; nothing else to do.
"You OK?"
"Never better"
"See you in the lounge at seven, then?"
"You got it."
Well, some things don't change she thought. The post that morning had brought birthday cards from her mother, from Eric, from a couple of fiends, from her sponsor. Nothing from Richard. Or Luka. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
She'd been hoping not to see him, but when she went to the lounge to get her coat he was there taking his off.
"You off?"
"Absolutely. I have a date." She could have bitten her tongue off.
" A date?"
"Carter wanted some company." She paused. "It's a year today that Paul Sobricki came back to the ER." Even better. Never explain.
"Oh." Another pause. They did pauses so well, she thought. "Somewhere nice?"
"I hope so. I'm jilting my couch and the TV for this."
"Greater love hath no woman." She looked sharply at him then. But he was smiling.
"You ready?" Damn. He'd hoped not to see Luka; was about to explain; thought better of it. He had the feeling that he was interrupting something. "I'll see you out front. I have to check something at the desk." And he almost ran from the room. Abby started to follow.
"Catch you later" she said to Luka.
Luka closed his locker door.
"Abby?"
"Yes?"
He handed her a package. "Happy Birthday." And he left her.
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"What's in the package?"
"I don't know."
"Open it."
"No, it'll keep."
"Come on, open it. I'm not ordering until you open it."
Abby's hands were a little unsteady as she removed the wrapping. She laughed aloud.
"What is it?"
She held up the video cassette.
"" It's A Wonderful Life"?"
"It's from Luka.. It's my birthday." She added. She was suddenly pleased that it was her birthday.
"Today? You sure?" She didn't dignify that with a response. "God, Abby, I'm sorry."
"Don't be. This dinner is going to cost you. Big time."
It didn't escape Carter's notice that her spirits had lifted. He felt in complete control of himself, despite the occasion and had become aware of a kind of good humoured warmth toward Abby that he hadn't felt since the earliest days of their friendship. He was astonished to find that this extended to Luka and stopped for a moment to try and understand that. What the hell, he thought. Sometimes when you turn round to take stock of where you are the amount of road you've covered takes you by surprise. He was surprised now. Surprise made him bold.
"It's only seven months."
"Since when?"
"Until August."
"August?"
"A year. Since you went into rehab."
"And?" She knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Just saying."
"Well say it then!"
"You can wait that long. If you think it's going to be worth it." Abby turned to look out of the window, fighting a smile.
"You really think you've got me taped, huh?"
"Don't I?" She didn't answer that. "Abby? Don't I?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do."
"I don't."
"Yes, you do. I should hate him of course."
"Who?"
"The Maitre d'. Who do you think?"
"But you don't?"
Carter shook his head. "Too much effort. You know, for the longest time I wanted to be him."
"Be him?"
"Not literally. Be what he is."
"Which is?"
"A grown up."
She nodded. "I know."
"And the world's worst liar."
"He lied to you?"
"No. But he's lying to you. And to himself."
"And when did you acquire this insight into human nature, Peter Pan?"
"I don't know. I've had to rethink a lot of stuff. I've looked at myself until I thought I'd go blind. Luka, he could have told me to go f**k myself, and I wouldn't have blamed him.. He didn't. At first I thought it was because I wasn't worth the effort for him, but it wasn't. He's a good man, Abby." He added softly. Damn, Hell has now frozen over.
"I know."
"You do."
"Yes"
"And?"
"I don't think it's up to me, Carter."
"Sure it is." She shook her head.
"Well, you'll grow old and die waiting for him. And I don't think I can bear to watch it."
"Then don't look."
"Abby. Just - give him a hint."
"I already did."
"What?"
"I kissed him."
"When?"
"After Rosa's funeral."
"Nice."
"I - I didn't mean to. It was for New Year."
"He believe that?"
"I don't think so. He's been avoiding me."
"No, I'm sure - "
"He changed his shifts, Carter."
He ran a hand through his hair. "Perhaps he thinks he's letting you off the hook. He knows you're not supposed to be going there right now, doesn't he?" No answer. "Brazen it out. Make like nothing happened. Maybe you'll convince him. Buy you some time at least." "I don't know. I think he's afraid of me."
"I don't blame him."
"Oh, you don't."
"No. Do you?"
"No. Not really. I hurt him. There are things I know now --- "
"Things?"
"His wife, his kids. Me."
"You?" She shook her head. Oh no, mister, you don't get to know that. Not ever.
"Go for it, Abby." He said as he looked at the bill. "Because there's no way in hell I'm standing you another dinner like this next year."
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She'd been about to call Luka and thank him for the birthday present when there was a knock at her door. For a moment she wondered; no, he was working still. It was her neighbour, almost invisible behind a huge sheaf of flowers. Carter had been kidding all along.
"These came for you earlier. There's a card. Your birthday?"
"Yes."
"Many happy returns, dear. Been celebrating?"
"Kind of. " She took the flowers and closed the door before the woman could get another word out. Smiling she opened the card.
'And these I owe you for last year. Luka'