A Twisted Blue's Clues
by Starshine
Author's note: Yet another night of EXCITING insomnia! Let us see what tales of madness my mind will produce at 3:06 AM!! :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Blue's Clues. If you think I do, you're nuts.
Joe: Guess what kids! Today we have a special guest! Can you guess who it is?
Kids: ...
Joes: *gets murderous look in eyes* DAMN YOU! GUESS!!!
Kid #1: Uhhh... the president?
Joe: No you stupid bastard, it's Steve! Jesus, can't you do ANYTHING right!?
Steve: *does the little walky thing to the front of the house* Hello Joe, I'm back!
Joe: Yeah, whatever, come in.
*the scene switches to in front of the Thinking Chair*
Steve: Wow! I'm SO glad to be home! Hello Side Table! Hello Salt, hello Pepper, hello Paprika! *notices there's a new little salt shaker-dealy* I see you guys have been doin' the nasty, eh? Heh heh.. who is this little fellow?
Paprika: He's my little brother, Cumin. I hate him, he's a bastard.
Steve: *chuckles* That's so cute!
Kids: A clue!
Joe: How many times have I told you kids!? Only speak when you are spoken to, godamit!!
Steve: *looks around and notices a blue pawprint on a rope* No Joe! A clue! Look!
Joe: *grunts and looks* oh, yeah, that...
Steve: Now you know what we need, our Handy, Dandy--
Joe: *hits Steve* Hey dude, this is MY show! Fuck off, ok? *reaches into Side Table and takes out a knife, a book on how to kill prominent politicians, and a severed head. Finally he finds the Handy, Dandy Notebook* Here's the freakin' notebook. *he takes out the crayon and sloppily draws the rope* Now kids, this is a rooooope... *a close-up shot of his hand shows that he is indeed drawing a very crappy rope*
Steve: Hey Joe, don't you normally write with your left hand?
Joe: *looks down at his hand* Well, yes, but that little blue fucker bit me. *holds up his left hand, fully bandaged*
Steve: Ummm.. ok...
Joe: Now let's play Blue's Clues! *does the hand thing* *whispered:* God, I need a drink...
Magenta: Woof woof woof!
Steve: What's that boy? What happened to Boris?
Joe: What!? Boris!? Something happened to Boris!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *takes out a gun and points it to his forhead. He pulls the trigger, but only a "click" happens* Fuck, no bullet!
Steve: It's ok Joe! We'll find BOris! Don't worry!
Joe: *pouts* We BETTER!
*scene shifts to backyard*
Joe: *whispered:* Jesus, I need a REAL job! I mean, I can't even get LAID, man.
Steve: Uhhhh... Joe? We're still on the air.
Joe: Oh I don't give a shi--
Steve: Oh look! There's Pail and Shovel! Let's join them in the sandbox! *jogs over enthusthiastically*
Joe: *marches over slowly*
Pail: Welcome home Steve!
Shovel: Care for a smoke?
Steve: We're looking for clues! *looks over to Joe, then back at Pail* Oh yeah, and Boris.
Shovel: Care for a smoke?
Joe: Boris!? *starts crying*
Shovel: Smoke?
Kids: A clu! A clue!
Steve: A clue? Where!?
Kid #2: On the book!
Joe: What book? There's no book here, you stupid little turd!
Kid #3: You're holding it, dickface...
Joe: Why you little! *advances on camera*
Steve: *grabs Joe* Joe, just draw the fucking clue.
Joe: *gripes and takes out the Hand, Dandy Notebook, he looks at the book, The Art of Kidnapping* * a close up show him drawing the book, he attempts to write the title, but being illiterate, it's too difficult for him. So he gives up.*
Steve: *waves* Bye Shovel, bye Pail!
Pail: Bye!
Shovel: Care for a smoke?
Pail: *takes a ciggie and gets out a lighter*
*scene switches to in front of the Thinking Chair*
Mysterious Chorus: Mail time, mail time, mail time!
Steve: *GASP!!!!! :DDD* *sings and does his wiggly thing* Here's the mail, it never fails, it ma--
Joe: What are you doing?
Steve: *stops singing and wiggling around* Singing the Mail Song.
Joe: We don't do that anymore. *grunts while slowly getting into the Thinking Chair*
Mail Box: Here's some mail Joe. Blah, blah, blah...
Joe: *opens the mail box up, takes out the letter, and shoves it away* A letter from our friends! *rolls eyes* Who would've guessed that?
*the mail movie-dealy starts. A policeman looks at the camera and says "Kids, crime is avery bad thing, and--"*
Joe: *closes letter* Eh, no one gives a fuck what you think, pig.
Kids: A cluuuuuuuuue!
Joe: Again!?
Steve: Where, where?
Kids: Over there!
Steve: *pats his head* You like my hair? Thank!
Kid #3: No! Over there you dumbass! *Joe and Steve look at a piece of paper*
Joe: *picks it up and takes out the Handy, Dandy Notebook*
Steve: *snatches it from Joe. He reads slowly, for Joe's benefit* I have Boris. Give me two million dollars in unmarked bills or you'll never see your precious stuffed duck again! *a close-up shows that the note is signed with a blue pawprint*
Joe: Hmmmm... so there's a rope, a book, and this randome note... What does Blue want to do?
Steve: *grabs Joe* Don't you get it!? Blue stole Boris!!
Joe: She did!? That whore! I'll kill her!
Shovel: *looks through the window* Care for a smoke?
*the ending credits roll*
*Face shows up*
Face: Oh God kids, I'm really sorry. I don't know what we were thinking. Too much booze that evening. Anyway, don't sue us! [AN: By 'us' I mean, 'me'!!! Not that I've been drinking booze or anything, mind you!] And have a lovely evening!
by Starshine
Author's note: Yet another night of EXCITING insomnia! Let us see what tales of madness my mind will produce at 3:06 AM!! :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Blue's Clues. If you think I do, you're nuts.
Joe: Guess what kids! Today we have a special guest! Can you guess who it is?
Kids: ...
Joes: *gets murderous look in eyes* DAMN YOU! GUESS!!!
Kid #1: Uhhh... the president?
Joe: No you stupid bastard, it's Steve! Jesus, can't you do ANYTHING right!?
Steve: *does the little walky thing to the front of the house* Hello Joe, I'm back!
Joe: Yeah, whatever, come in.
*the scene switches to in front of the Thinking Chair*
Steve: Wow! I'm SO glad to be home! Hello Side Table! Hello Salt, hello Pepper, hello Paprika! *notices there's a new little salt shaker-dealy* I see you guys have been doin' the nasty, eh? Heh heh.. who is this little fellow?
Paprika: He's my little brother, Cumin. I hate him, he's a bastard.
Steve: *chuckles* That's so cute!
Kids: A clue!
Joe: How many times have I told you kids!? Only speak when you are spoken to, godamit!!
Steve: *looks around and notices a blue pawprint on a rope* No Joe! A clue! Look!
Joe: *grunts and looks* oh, yeah, that...
Steve: Now you know what we need, our Handy, Dandy--
Joe: *hits Steve* Hey dude, this is MY show! Fuck off, ok? *reaches into Side Table and takes out a knife, a book on how to kill prominent politicians, and a severed head. Finally he finds the Handy, Dandy Notebook* Here's the freakin' notebook. *he takes out the crayon and sloppily draws the rope* Now kids, this is a rooooope... *a close-up shot of his hand shows that he is indeed drawing a very crappy rope*
Steve: Hey Joe, don't you normally write with your left hand?
Joe: *looks down at his hand* Well, yes, but that little blue fucker bit me. *holds up his left hand, fully bandaged*
Steve: Ummm.. ok...
Joe: Now let's play Blue's Clues! *does the hand thing* *whispered:* God, I need a drink...
Magenta: Woof woof woof!
Steve: What's that boy? What happened to Boris?
Joe: What!? Boris!? Something happened to Boris!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *takes out a gun and points it to his forhead. He pulls the trigger, but only a "click" happens* Fuck, no bullet!
Steve: It's ok Joe! We'll find BOris! Don't worry!
Joe: *pouts* We BETTER!
*scene shifts to backyard*
Joe: *whispered:* Jesus, I need a REAL job! I mean, I can't even get LAID, man.
Steve: Uhhhh... Joe? We're still on the air.
Joe: Oh I don't give a shi--
Steve: Oh look! There's Pail and Shovel! Let's join them in the sandbox! *jogs over enthusthiastically*
Joe: *marches over slowly*
Pail: Welcome home Steve!
Shovel: Care for a smoke?
Steve: We're looking for clues! *looks over to Joe, then back at Pail* Oh yeah, and Boris.
Shovel: Care for a smoke?
Joe: Boris!? *starts crying*
Shovel: Smoke?
Kids: A clu! A clue!
Steve: A clue? Where!?
Kid #2: On the book!
Joe: What book? There's no book here, you stupid little turd!
Kid #3: You're holding it, dickface...
Joe: Why you little! *advances on camera*
Steve: *grabs Joe* Joe, just draw the fucking clue.
Joe: *gripes and takes out the Hand, Dandy Notebook, he looks at the book, The Art of Kidnapping* * a close up show him drawing the book, he attempts to write the title, but being illiterate, it's too difficult for him. So he gives up.*
Steve: *waves* Bye Shovel, bye Pail!
Pail: Bye!
Shovel: Care for a smoke?
Pail: *takes a ciggie and gets out a lighter*
*scene switches to in front of the Thinking Chair*
Mysterious Chorus: Mail time, mail time, mail time!
Steve: *GASP!!!!! :DDD* *sings and does his wiggly thing* Here's the mail, it never fails, it ma--
Joe: What are you doing?
Steve: *stops singing and wiggling around* Singing the Mail Song.
Joe: We don't do that anymore. *grunts while slowly getting into the Thinking Chair*
Mail Box: Here's some mail Joe. Blah, blah, blah...
Joe: *opens the mail box up, takes out the letter, and shoves it away* A letter from our friends! *rolls eyes* Who would've guessed that?
*the mail movie-dealy starts. A policeman looks at the camera and says "Kids, crime is avery bad thing, and--"*
Joe: *closes letter* Eh, no one gives a fuck what you think, pig.
Kids: A cluuuuuuuuue!
Joe: Again!?
Steve: Where, where?
Kids: Over there!
Steve: *pats his head* You like my hair? Thank!
Kid #3: No! Over there you dumbass! *Joe and Steve look at a piece of paper*
Joe: *picks it up and takes out the Handy, Dandy Notebook*
Steve: *snatches it from Joe. He reads slowly, for Joe's benefit* I have Boris. Give me two million dollars in unmarked bills or you'll never see your precious stuffed duck again! *a close-up shows that the note is signed with a blue pawprint*
Joe: Hmmmm... so there's a rope, a book, and this randome note... What does Blue want to do?
Steve: *grabs Joe* Don't you get it!? Blue stole Boris!!
Joe: She did!? That whore! I'll kill her!
Shovel: *looks through the window* Care for a smoke?
*the ending credits roll*
*Face shows up*
Face: Oh God kids, I'm really sorry. I don't know what we were thinking. Too much booze that evening. Anyway, don't sue us! [AN: By 'us' I mean, 'me'!!! Not that I've been drinking booze or anything, mind you!] And have a lovely evening!